StrugglingMama

I think a good therapist could help you with all the things you mention above. Therapy is especially good for learning/practicing how to talk about it in a safe place where no one else has to know what you're saying except the two of you. My therapist really has helped me so much in being able to see things from a less distorted perspective - her 'objectivity' about a rape that I was sure I was to blame for made me see things in a new light.

We're basically the same person. Just wanted to tell you that Check out the post I just made:

Hi Dani, so many of us here understand the feelings you're feeling and have tried to keep everything inside and hope it would just go away. It takes courage to reach out. You'll find a ton of compassion and support here!

sitting with you

Welcome to AS - you'll find a ton of support here. I'm a fellow anxiety/depression sufferer so you're right at home here.

So many hugs to you, Marta. I'm so very sorry he hurt you - none of this was your fault.

Hitting the 20 year milestone was intense for me, too, and was right around when I joined AS last summer. Welcome, you'll find a lot of support here.

One of the biggest repercussions of the rape that I cannot shake after all these years is not trusting my own judgement. Specifically, not trusting that I am a good judge of character. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and not see the bad in people, but internally I am always second guessing myself. I am also indecisive to a fault, I cannot make decisions and so I lean on others to make them for me or advise me before making even simple decisions. Hugs to you, as I think we really relate on this topic.

I am afraid of not being believed. Of being told I should "put it behind me" and "move on". I am afraid people will think I led him on and because I was drunk that it was my fault. I am afraid of hearing the words "it could have been so much worse, it was so long ago, you're giving this one incident too much power." I am afraid of being pitied. My fears don't equal the weight of my shame though. I am more ashamed than anything. And I can't really explain why.

As you know, it happened a long time ago for me, so when I finally told someone 1.5 years after it happened, I disclosed to a close friend first. Then my other best friend. Then two more best friends (I have a tight crew of 5 girlfriends). They were all understanding and supportive. With their help, I figured out a plan for how to tell my parents. Then once I told my parents - which was hard though I don't remember the details of how that conversation went other than that they cried and were supportive - I started going to therapy (since I was young, I needed their financial help/insurance to

I could have written every word you wrote, JustSam. I have felt the EXACT same way too many times to count. Word. For. Word. Just know you aren't alone. I grieve for the person I might have been, too. I imagine this confident, cool, happy other me that could have come to be. If I had a nickel for every time I had a self-loathing thought about freezing rather than fighting, I'd be a millionaire many times over. Freezing is the most common response to being raped (just in case you weren't aware) but our society loves the fighters, and even the flight-ers who escape somehow. The freezers... well,

Welcome, this is SUCH a safe space. I think you will a lot of comfort here.

It's so timely, because I just wrote this crazy email to my T yesterday, in a much less eloquent way than you put it: I really struggle with trusting my intuition or feeling confident in my perception of things, I think largely because of my inability to see danger coming when I was 18 and a new college student. I just don't trust myself and I look to you or E or my boss or or my mom or whoever to confirm that what I'm thinking or feeling is appropriate, and if it isn't, I attempt to self-correct. I hate that I still feel like I am a poor judge of character - it makes me question everythi

Welcome. This is the safest space ever. You will find lots of comfort here. No need to push yourself to find words until you are ready.

I relate to this post so much.