JustSam

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About JustSam

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    England

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Hi @Beachmom welcome to AS
  2. Hi @PhoenixRising84 welcome to AS
  3. That it is not (as I've tried to believe) "just something that happened a long time ago". It is something that still makes me feel sick inside every day. That the effects run much deeper than they could imaging, deeper than I ever thought before I started really looking, and probably deeper still than I am currently aware. That So very many things can be a trigger, and this can change depending on how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling low, Everything makes me think about it and feel even more sh!t. Mostly I just wish people understood rape. I wish thay knew that it isn't 'normally' like what you see on the news. 75-90% of the time it is someone you know, a date/friend/boyfriend, not a stranger at the bus stop, it happens at their house or your own, somewhere you should have felt safe. That freezing is as 'normal' a response to this as 'fight or flight'. I wish people just knew this, I wish I'd known this.
  4. @StrugglingMama I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I've been told that this self-doubt should ease if I can stop blaming myself and see that this didn't happen because I made a bad judgement. I'm not sure I can believe that after all this time I can change like that. I can but try @Free2Fly I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. I think you matter. You matter more to me than most people in the world do because you're part of my community (AS) (if ok)
  5. I still feel like I can't trust my own judgement, it can be crippling at times, I feel stuck, unable to make even a simple decision for fear that I'll get it wrong and fear of the consequences if I do. I know now, logically, that it wasn't my actions or my choices that caused the assaults but sub-consciously I still fear making the wrong choice and worse still- letting myself and other people down with my wrong choices. I hate feeling like 'they' have such a big part in my life, my thought processes, my choices. I'm very uncomfortable with anything even remotely linked to abuse, rape, etc. I avoid conversations, I avoid relationships and getting close to people in case they somehow see, somehow know what I'm hiding. I isolate myself even from people who might understand. I'm distracted because I can't stop obsesing about this. I just don't know how to deal with this. I feel trapped under his weight still, the weight of his (W) decision. I'm scared because of threats I heard 15 Years Ago! I'm afraid on a daily basis that L will turn up in my life demanding what I owe him, what I promised, that he will finally follow through with his threat to rape me. I'm scared of shadows and things that go bump in the night in case it's him. And I'm so frustrated with myself for being so afraid, I should be over this, I bet he is. I hate that I feel like I'm wasting time I should be spending on my current life, that I'm letting everyone down by not being over this. That I'm just using this as an excuse for being sh!t at life. I hate that this guilt and shame, that I can't seem to shift, even though I can logically see that it shouldn't be mine, makes me feel like I'm doing sh!t, when I can see that objectively I'm doing pretty well. I should be able to feel good about that.
  6. Hi Bella, welcome to AS
  7. It made me feel weak because I couldn't stop it. I always thought I was a strong person, physically and mentally. The fact that I was so scared, I couldn't even make him understand that I didn't want it (how I saw it at the time) made me feel So weak and pathetic. How could I expect anyone to understand, to care, to help me if I couldn't even help myself? I felt like that was my fault for going back to him/staying with him, I felt weak for thinking I needed him. I felt like I couldn't trust myself because I hadn't been able to see that I shouldn't have been there and I hadn't listened to my guts when I felt that something was wrong. I couldn't trust anyone around me (if my boyfriend could do that to me what was everyone else capable of?) I couldn't trust myself, my body, my instincts, my decisions. I felt damaged and dirty inside, I hated myself. I didn't want to get to close to anyone for fear that they'd see, there'd know what I'd allowed to happen. It's only now that I can see why I felt the way I did, at the time I couldn't face what had happened and I just thought I was crazy or being an over dramatic teenager.
  8. I told My best friend and my boyfriend (now husband) because I couldn't keep it in, I was having suicidal thoughts, cutting myself, I'm not sure I would have survived with this eating me away inside. I didn't Talk to them back then but I told them about the rape. They're the closest friends I have and have never made me feel judged. Still I found it so very hard to speak to them again recently when this all came back up. I don't remember what happened the first time I told them. I know I didn't want to really talk about it, so I don't think they asked. Recently when I told them I was struggling again (after a LOT of Dutch courage) they were very supportive, offered to talk/listen, asked me how counselling was going. They didn't treat me any differently, didn't make me feel judged. I told my counsellor too when I went. ....it's just dawned on me that I've had a lot to drink most times before talking to people I know about this.
  9. I'm afraid to feel exposed. I'm afraid people will see me differently, as weak, damaged, I'm afraid they will pity me. I'm afraid to face unintentionally hurtful comments that can be made by well meaning people who just don't understand. I'm afraid that people will believe that it wasn't my fault. I'm afraid they will see the guilt and shame I feel, they will see that part of me feels responsible still, and they won't understand. I'm afraid that if people know it will be completely real for me, I'll never be able to hide from it and believe it didn't happen ever again. Im afraid that I will still feel the same, guilty, and that their belief in me will make me feel like a liar, like I'm making it up. What if I really did imagine it, my memories have been wrong before, what if it didn't happen the way I think....
  10. Hi @Foreverflashbacks Thank you for your comment. I'm so sorry that you can relate to this. Nipping to his hotel to drop off his stuff doesn't sound at all like leading him on. The first no should have been enough to stop what was happening.
  11. I find it quite difficult to think about it most of the time. If I try to it feels like my minds pulling away from it. My gut reaction to thinking about the rape is to feel trapped, scared, panicked and unsafe, or to feel nothing, numb, disconnected. I went through all these emotions during the assault. I also feel very guilty, especially over certain parts, parts where I feel like I lead him on and let him think that I was OK with what he was doing. It makes me feel sad for the person who was lost, the person who never I was, who I could have been if this hadn't happened. I'm sad for the girl I was, for all the pain/shame She went through after the rape, blaming herself, hurting herself. I feel defeated, crushed, used. I feel so confused, I wish I understood why he would choose to hurt me like that, what was going through his head. It makes me feel sick inside. I feel betrayed that someone I trusted could do that to me, and betrayed by myself for believing it was my fault so easily, for freezing up, for going along with it rather than face the truth and fight. I feel so guilty, I should have fought, I should have confronted them after. I didn't, I let them get away with it and maybe think they could get away with it again. I feel like I let down every girl in their lives by doing nothing to alert them to the danger.
  12. As I've said, I don't feel like I think much about the actual events. When I had counselling it was suggested that my imagined scenarios were a way of me reliving what happened/ how I felt, without actually facing the truth. I feel like I'm lying when I say that my daily life is affected by this, when I don't even have many thoughts about what really actually happened. The main 'memory' I have of my rape, of W, has no visual, no real sense of my physical self. I just remember the sudden fear, panic and confusion. I hear my weak, panicked little voice saying, "no, no" (as he forced himself inside me). I remember feeling so utterly crushed, so lost in that darkness, so alone, so confused. Like nothing in the world could ever make sense or ever be right after this. I sometimes feel like I'm still trapped in this dark, lonely, scarey place. The memories I struggle with most are flashes of L's face, the one I saw when I told him I wanted to break up. I could see that he wanted to hurt me but I couldn't understand what was happening at first, this version of him just jarred so much with the person I thought he was. The way he just, informed me that he could have sex with me if he wanted, there was nothing I could do about it, so calm on the surface but that terrifying danger behind his eyes. I know I was breaking up with him, but I still cared about him. The hatred and malice I felt from him in that look cut right to my core. I felt so guilty that I'd upset him so much, I thought he really was the lovely guy I believed him to be and I'd brought this hatred out by hurting his feelings
  13. Thank you @Caraaa of course I don't mind. FYI it was in reading the letter back to myself that it really hit home. I hope you find it helpful.
  14. I think about it (them?) directly at least once or twice a day, but most of my thoughts are indirect. What ifs. I find it hard to face the truth, to think about what actually happened. But the what ifs are so hard to stop, it's like I have to imagine the entire scenario, I can't stop till it's over, but it's never over. It doesn't end. I imagine being raped by strangers, acquaintances, friends, but mostly by Luke. I'm so scared that he still believes I owe him because I agreed to stay "friends with benefits", that one day something will happen in his life and he'll decide to act on this.
  15. @StrugglingMama that was very eloquently put. I totally understand feeling like a poor judge of character and doubting yourself. It only dawned on me recently how much I hate, and therefor avoid, making decisions. I think maybe the big decisions I've had to make in my life in the few months leading up to my (whatever you'd call it) depressive/anxious phase may have been my trigger, or at least a contributing factor. I understand feeling sick of yourself too, I get like that all the time ("yea, we get it Sam, shut the fu*k up already). My counsellor told me I'm too harsh on myself, I think that go's for a lot of us, please try to be kind to yourself, I know it's hard. Im not surprised that your therapists insight: "I'm not sure he wouldn't have raped you some other time, even if it hadn't happened that night. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it." was a shock to you. This could easily have applied to me and I have never Ever consideres it either. I do believe that healing is possible, don't give up hope. I do think that personally I need to reevaluate what healing means though. I will never be the person I was, I wouldn't even remember how. I will never be the person I thought I was going to be, nothing Ever go's to plan, that's life. I need to learn to get to know, and make the most of, the person I am. Warts and all. Which includes identifying and finding better coping mechanisms for my issues. Which can seem like a mammoth task but when taken one step at a time no mountain is insurmountable. (I'm in a strangely positive mood today) I hope you're feeling a bit better Did your therapist reply to your email?