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  1. What he said to me has been repeating in my brain a lot recently, apparently writing it out can help so here go’s: L ”Can we have sex, one last time?” S *shakes head? Says no? Definitely a negatory response. L *grabs wrists/pushes S back / applies handcuffs S (A moment of panic, one wrist free, what would happen if I tried to fight him off? mind floods with possible outcomes: freedom....beaten then raped.....running naked onto a busy street....the anger in his eyes, he’s trying to hide it but he can’t.... no wrists free). “L I don’t want to do this” L “Yes you do” *tickles S* S (Don’t play along, don’t laugh) L *looking even more pi$$ed off* S (He’s getting more angry) *tiny giggle, “L I don’t want to” L *switches to pinching S nipples* S (Grit your teeth, don’t play along) L “I can give you pain or pleasure it’s your choice“ S “I don’t want to do this” L “You decide or I will” S “I don’t want to, please let me go” L “ I could just have sex with you now if I wanted, there’s nothing you can do about it” S (Brain shocked into complete blankness, mouth acting totally independently: “or I could just give you a blow job, but you’d have to take the handcuffs off me first” L Looking pleasantly surprised, “really? Ok” takes off the handcuffs S (Brain reeling, trying to catch up, good plan, now we can run, but he’s still staring at me like a hawk watching some kind of small prey animal, where would I run to totally naked? Brain gives up and temporarily shuts down, body does what’s expected of it under his glare, then breaks down crying...)
  2. Hi @luckyladybug I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to this, I must have missed the notification. Since I wrote this, a few years ago now, I’ve had some counselling and done some research, I have a much better understanding of what happened and why I reacted the way I did and I’ve let go of a lot of the guilt I was carrying. I still think about it almost as much but a lot of the time now the narrative of these thoughts is Much different. I’m standing up for myself more in the aftermath of the assault, confronting the people who assaulted me or using my story to speak out and educate others. It’s still kind of relentless and not something I particularly want to be thinking. I Think at this point it may be something a kin to OCD and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop these obsessive thoughts but I am happy I’ve changed the narrative (for the most part) and made the progress I have.
  3. @Free2Fly @waterlily13 thanks for your comments. I wrote this 3years ago and, while there may have been a few ups and downs in between, right now I’m still in exactly the same boat 🙁
  4. @just_trying welcome to AS. I'm sorry you have reason to be here. As far as I've seen everyone On here is very supportive and understanding, I have no doubt you will have the same response.
  5. I don't know. I don't currently have a therapist, I'm considering restarting. I'd like to be able to accept it as part of me, to love myself and enjoy my life, to get past feeling guilty and obsessing about this. To live, free from the little voice in the back of my head convinced every little noise is Luke come to make good on his threats, blaming me, shaming me. Making me feel like nothing I do could ever be good enough because every decision I make is affected/tainted by what happened to me. I'd like to be able to talk about it, even vaguely, even online -anonymously, without panicking. I want to be able to use my experiences to support and help others.
  6. Hi @AmazonianPrincess welcome to AS
  7. What prevented me from healing is that I never addressed it. I've believed that it was my fault, not that bad, no one would believe me anyway, etc. He told me it was OK and I thought he believed it, I thought everyone would, they'd think I was overreacting. I felt so ashamed so I stuffed it down. Now I feel ashamed that I still let this affect me. I thought it wasn't that bad, that people go through a lot worse without letting it affect them this much, I should be over this by now. I've discovered that so many of these beliefs were based on fear and misinformation, and no longer stand up to scrutiny. I'm starting to chip away at the silence, and hence at the shame, and I really feel now that I am starting to heal.
  8. Thank you @limbodante, it's a work in progress
  9. I've been thinking about forgiveness. I don't forgive them, if I saw them about to be hit by a bus I think I'd hesitate to shout "look out" and I'm pretty sure I'd smile to myself after. I don't really care what this says about me. But given that that is unlikely to happen; I'm no longer angry that they're out there, un-smooshed by buses, living a life. I just hope that they're surrounded by people who have corrected their view of the world and their place in it. I hope their attitudes towards others have dramatically improved. I think everyone deserves a second chance (within reason) and if they're now functioning members of society then I can live with that. If they're the same arseholes then that's not my fault or concern, I can't change them and I can't keep punishing myself for that, I just hope that bus finds them, Soon.
  10. @limbodante you are not an idiot for putting your trust and hope in someone you loved, that is perfectly normal in a relationship. She's the one who abused your trust and used your hope against you. You did nothing to deserve the way she treated you
  11. @ResilientHeart I'm sorry I made you cry! Safe hugs if ok. I'm so sorry he put you through that, he does sound like a monster.
  12. What was he thinking? Why did he do it? Did he hear me? Did he realise what he was doing? Did he care? Would he care if he knew how it would effect me? ^I wrote this a while ago. I wasn't happy with it but I wasn't sure why. I got a bit stuck. I've just looked again and found the solvent: I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS! I know the truth. I know that he was fully aware that I didn't want to. Hence I know he raped me! I don't need him to confirm that, I don't need anything from him. 😊 unstuck
  13. JustSam


    Hi @sasperella31 Welcome to AS.
  14. Hi @jsl6 welcome to AS
  15. Hi @Beachmom welcome to AS
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