JustSam

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About JustSam

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    England

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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746 profile views
  1. Hi @AmazonianPrincess welcome to AS
  2. What prevented me from healing is that I never addressed it. I've believed that it was my fault, not that bad, no one would believe me anyway, etc. He told me it was OK and I thought he believed it, I thought everyone would, they'd think I was overreacting. I felt so ashamed so I stuffed it down. Now I feel ashamed that I still let this affect me. I thought it wasn't that bad, that people go through a lot worse without letting it affect them this much, I should be over this by now. I've discovered that so many of these beliefs were based on fear and misinformation, and no longer stand up to scrutiny. I'm starting to chip away at the silence, and hence at the shame, and I really feel now that I am starting to heal.
  3. Thank you @limbodante, it's a work in progress
  4. Random thoughts on forgiveness

    I've been thinking about forgiveness. I don't forgive them, if I saw them about to be hit by a bus I think I'd hesitate to shout "look out" and I'm pretty sure I'd smile to myself after. I don't really care what this says about me. But given that that is unlikely to happen; I'm no longer angry that they're out there, un-smooshed by buses, living a life. I just hope that they're surrounded by people who have corrected their view of the world and their place in it. I hope their attitudes towards others have dramatically improved. I think everyone deserves a second chance (within reason) and if they're now functioning members of society then I can live with that. If they're the same arseholes then that's not my fault or concern, I can't change them and I can't keep punishing myself for that, I just hope that bus finds them, Soon.
  5. @limbodante you are not an idiot for putting your trust and hope in someone you loved, that is perfectly normal in a relationship. She's the one who abused your trust and used your hope against you. You did nothing to deserve the way she treated you
  6. @ResilientHeart I'm sorry I made you cry! Safe hugs if ok. I'm so sorry he put you through that, he does sound like a monster.
  7. What was he thinking? Why did he do it? Did he hear me? Did he realise what he was doing? Did he care? Would he care if he knew how it would effect me? ^I wrote this a while ago. I wasn't happy with it but I wasn't sure why. I got a bit stuck. I've just looked again and found the solvent: I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS! I know the truth. I know that he was fully aware that I didn't want to. Hence I know he raped me! I don't need him to confirm that, I don't need anything from him. 😊 unstuck
  8. New

    Hi @sasperella31 Welcome to AS.
  9. Hi @jsl6 welcome to AS
  10. Hi @Beachmom welcome to AS
  11. Hi @PhoenixRising84 welcome to AS
  12. That it is not (as I've tried to believe) "just something that happened a long time ago". It is something that still makes me feel sick inside every day. That the effects run much deeper than they could imaging, deeper than I ever thought before I started really looking, and probably deeper still than I am currently aware. That So very many things can be a trigger, and this can change depending on how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling low, Everything makes me think about it and feel even more sh!t. Mostly I just wish people understood rape. I wish thay knew that it isn't 'normally' like what you see on the news. 75-90% of the time it is someone you know, a date/friend/boyfriend, not a stranger at the bus stop, it happens at their house or your own, somewhere you should have felt safe. That freezing is as 'normal' a response to this as 'fight or flight'. I wish people just knew this, I wish I'd known this.
  13. @StrugglingMama I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I've been told that this self-doubt should ease if I can stop blaming myself and see that this didn't happen because I made a bad judgement. I'm not sure I can believe that after all this time I can change like that. I can but try @Free2Fly I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. I think you matter. You matter more to me than most people in the world do because you're part of my community (AS) (if ok)
  14. I still feel like I can't trust my own judgement, it can be crippling at times, I feel stuck, unable to make even a simple decision for fear that I'll get it wrong and fear of the consequences if I do. I know now, logically, that it wasn't my actions or my choices that caused the assaults but sub-consciously I still fear making the wrong choice and worse still- letting myself and other people down with my wrong choices. I hate feeling like 'they' have such a big part in my life, my thought processes, my choices. I'm very uncomfortable with anything even remotely linked to abuse, rape, etc. I avoid conversations, I avoid relationships and getting close to people in case they somehow see, somehow know what I'm hiding. I isolate myself even from people who might understand. I'm distracted because I can't stop obsesing about this. I just don't know how to deal with this. I feel trapped under his weight still, the weight of his (W) decision. I'm scared because of threats I heard 15 Years Ago! I'm afraid on a daily basis that L will turn up in my life demanding what I owe him, what I promised, that he will finally follow through with his threat to rape me. I'm scared of shadows and things that go bump in the night in case it's him. And I'm so frustrated with myself for being so afraid, I should be over this, I bet he is. I hate that I feel like I'm wasting time I should be spending on my current life, that I'm letting everyone down by not being over this. That I'm just using this as an excuse for being sh!t at life. I hate that this guilt and shame, that I can't seem to shift, even though I can logically see that it shouldn't be mine, makes me feel like I'm doing sh!t, when I can see that objectively I'm doing pretty well. I should be able to feel good about that.
  15. Hi Bella, welcome to AS