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girlsnz

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Blog Comments posted by girlsnz

    girlsnz

    Posted · Edited by girlsnz

    TW

    I'm not sure, I haven't talked about with any of them. I definitely know that he abused me and my niece (my stepbrothers daughter.)

    I have 1 memory of my father abusing both of us. He started to grab me and she begged him to take her instead. He abused her and made me watch, when  he was finished he picked up and took me into his bedroom. 

    I have several memories of my oldest brother and father abusing me at the same time.

    I have a memory of my trying to make my youngest brother hurt me, my brother fault back and my father threw him out of my room. He and I were exceptionally close - both of my other siblings were both jealous.

    My father made it pretty obvious that I was his favorite.

    I also know my sister was furious when she found out that I had POA and that I was the only 1 in the will.

    I'm not sure if that answered your question 

    girlsnz

    Posted

    @mango_star1

    Thanks for sending me healing energy.  

    I have thought about using medical marijuana,  even went to a doctor and got a prescription.  I found out that I would have to complete an application on a desk computer  at my home. If the application is approved the state will send documentation, once I receive the docs, I can go to a dispensary and  buy the marijuana. I would have to follow up with the dr every few months.

    Just seems like a lot of work. Maybe I'll try again Thanks for sharing- I would definitely try it if it was an easier process

    girlsnz

    Posted

    @Viceless

    Thanks for the books, i'll take a look.Some of it may be psychosomatic -  Looking at your list of books - I don't think I have read any of John Sarno, but I have read "The Body Keeps the Score." by Besel Vad Dr Kolk - I agree, it is a very good book.

    i know some of it is from the abuse - I had a broken bone in my lower back - doctor told me it had been broken for a very long time - probably was broken when I was a child - my father did like to throw me around.

     I blame the damage to my neck on my father as well, not sure if it is fair, but he picked me up by neck several times and he also used to choke me. 

     

    :ThankYou:

     

    girlsnz

    Posted

    @Viceless and @mango_star1

     

    Thank you both for your support. It means a lot to me

    @Viceless i think I have read a John Samos book - it's been a while and i dont remember the name of the books - seems like it may be time to read them again.I'll check the documentary and the the book, "When the  Body Says No." I would welcome any other recommendations. 

    @mango_star1  I am also hesitant to see a woman  therapist - so far I've been ok with a male doctor. I trust the neurosurgeon - he has performed 3 surgeries on my spine - 1 lumbar and 2 cervical.My entire cervical spine is fused; the surgeon told me not to let anyone adjust my neck - there is just 2 much hardware and a chance that something could go wrong. Because of this I'm really afraid to go to a chiropractor. My daughter sees a chiropractor - Ive talked to her and she agreed with surgeon. 

    I can't imagine seeing a male therapist. I don't think I could ever feel safe with a man. I know i would never be able to close my eyes with a male therapist - it's difficult with a woman therapist - it would be impossible with a man in the room.

    I've looked into Marijuana, unfortunately its not covered by my insurance.

    I'm not a big fan of opioids either - especially when the label states that you can become addicted even if you follow all of the directions and take as directed. I dont like the idea of having it go into my blood stream 24/7. I took the patch off this evening to give my body a break. The fact that we lost our oldest son to an overdose about 2 1/2 years ago doesnt help.

    Thank you again for your support; you have both given something to think about.

    girlsnz

    Posted

    @RubyRosie

    Please be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are valid, no matter how unpleasant they are. Processing this junk takes time. It's not fair to judge your progress when you are doing your best to heal.

    Sitting with you, if you like.

    And again, so proud that you are here. Your needs matter. Your pain matters.

     

    Thank you so much for your support - Im sorry you are experiencing flashbacks. 

    You are right - it is not fair to judge my progress - but i do it all the time. I started to remember repressed memories of the abuse in 2007 - 13 years later and it feels like I should be a  lot further in my recovery than I am. Everyday life has gotten in the way of my recovery - there was too much going on, took everything I had to get through each day. Things have calmed down and I have been able to work on the effects of the abuse. I have started have flashbacks again - IL guess my body thought I was in place where I could handle the memories.

    Thank you for sitting with me :)

    girlsnz

    Posted

    @BrightSide @RubyRosie

     

    I had a session with my T on Saturday - we went over a lot of stuff - it really helped. I read the flashback to her - it was difficult but I got through it. She told me that I have made a lot of progress; when I first starting having flashbacks I wasn't able to ground myself - now I'm able to get myself grounded and convince myself that I am safe. This last memory wasnt nearly as bad as some of the ones I have had in the past.  

    My legs are shaking as I write this - so i guess I haven't convinced my body that the abuse is safe to think or write about. The fact that I cant control it is extremely frustrating.

    I have been having a lot of flashbacks over the past couple of weeks; its all new memories coming back to me. It is a little disheartening, I have experienced a lot of flashbacks; I wasn't expecting any new stuff to come up.

     

    girlsnz

    Posted

    @RubyRosie

    I agree - it is so much easier for me to advocate for others. Fear of rejection often keeps me from advocating for my own needs. I was conditioned to believe that my needs didn't matter.

    I'm hoping that if I continue to push myself and ask for help and I continue you receive a positive response, that my experience will change. I'm hoping that  I will eventually be able to ask for help believing that I am worthy of that help. 

    Thank you for the good vibes :) 

    girlsnz

    Posted

    @BrightSide @RubyRosie

    Thank you both for your encouragement. 

    I texted my T and asked for a session this Saturday. It toke her a little while to respond, so of course I thought she was angry, that I was annoying, or that I just didn't deserve her help. She responded this morning - she wasn't angry or annoyed. She didn't think I was undeserving of her help. I have a session scheduled for this Saturday.

    Thank you both for providing support - It feels good to know that you are both sitting with me.

    girlsnz

    Posted

    @BrightSide

    Thank you 

    I usually journey several times a week.  I'm not very good at expressing myself verbally,  I usually read my journal to my therapist when I  cant find words to express myself.

    I am hesitant to contact my therapist,  I feel like I'm being a baby- I feel like I should be able to use the tools I've acquired and handle it myself.

    My therapist tells me to be careful with my shoulds- judging myself doesn't help. I'm hesitant to ask anything from anyone. I think it stems from my lack of self esteem. My father made sure I knew that I wasn't worth much; his old messages are still inside my head waiting for any opportunity to reinforce his message 

    JustSam

    Posted

    The abuse did not take away my ability to feel compassion.

    It didn't take away my ability to find my husband and have 3 amazing children. It didn't take away my ability to enjoy my family; if anything, it did the opposite - I was aware how precious our time together was, and I made sure I enjoyed the time we spent together. 

    After losing my mother and being abused by my father; I made sure my children never questioned how much I loved them, I made sure they weren't afraid to talk to me about anything, and I made sure they were never afraid of me. Definitely something I never had.

    Alice24601

    Posted · Edited by girlsnz

    Alice24601, I'm so sorry you are struggling with Memories. You are strong. You're sharing a part of your life that is extremely personal and that takes a lot of courage

    Ive told 6 people about my abuse. I shared details with 3 of the 6 and all 3 were therapist

    I didn't remember any of the abuse until I started having flashbacks. I haven't had a flashback for about 5 years. I still have nightmares but thank God I haven't had any flashbacks. They are terrifying. They are immobilizing.  I would instantly be taken back in time in the middle of a horrific event. I would experience something that I didn't remember ever happening. I was unable to move or pull myself out of it. I could feel the pain and the fear. I could feel my father's hands around my neck as he raped me. 

    I started to see a therapist and I learned how to ground myself in the present. To remind myself that it wasn't happening now. To remind myself that I'm safe. That's another hard thing to do; I wasn't always successful, it is always a struggle but it does get easier.

    My therapist helped me to process the memories. Once I processed them they lost their power over me. I remember the things he did to me- the memories haven't gone anywhere and sometimes my body still reacts. There are still things that trigger me and unfortunately I don't think that will ever go away. Today I have tools to cope with the memories that pop into my head.  Today they are memories and memories are a lot easier to deal with than flashbacks 

    Shefloats

    Posted

    She floats

    I'm am sorry for everything I experienced 

    When I told my therapist that I didn't believe the abuse really happened. She usually responded in 1 of 2 ways.

    She would ask me why I would make up the abuse? How would I even come up with some of the really bazaar stuff? Why did I gain by making up the abuse? 

    Or

    She would say: No you're not crazy the abuse really happened. Crazy is a lot easier than dealing with the abuse, but  you're not crazy.

    Capulet

    Posted

    Ive been seeing a therapists (3 to be exact) for the past 20 years. 

    I start seeing a therapist 20 years ago when my older brother died suddenly from a heart attack. He was only 44 and we were exceptionally close. I had a really difficult time dealing with his death. It took a while to work through and that led to my mothers death. She died when I was 6 years old. Some of the difficullyt i was having in reconciling my brother's death was because I was never allowed to grieve for my mother (I still havent dealt with all the feelings from my mother's death.)

    We stated taking about my home life when I was growing up. My therapist said that i was neglected and I became angry and argued with her. She was right. I was neglected and abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. 

    I didnt remember any of the abuse but I soon start having flashbacks.I started to see a therapist that worked with survivors of sexual abuse. I worked with both of these therapist for years.  They have both retired. 

    I started seeing another therapist that specializes with survivors of sexual abuse about 2 years ago. She challenges me but I feel like Im stuck. LIke Im never going to get any further. 

    What is keeping me from taking that next step? I'm unwilling or unable to express the anger and sadness that Ive been carrying around  since my mother's death. I'm unable or unwilling to forgive myself for both my mother and fathers death (he died in 2015) and  for the abuse. I am unwilling or unable to look at the small child within me with compassion. I just cant let go of the anger I feel for her. I'm not really sure how to get past it.

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