THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING
The 5th anniversary of my father's death has past and I survived.
All of the doubts I had this past week about whether my father could ever hurt me - they were unsubstantiated.
Last night while trying to go to sleep - flashes of abuse appeared in my head. I was small, maybe 5 or 6. I'm standing in front of his bed, he is directly behind me. He pushed my head down on the bed, he becomes frustrated because I'm not tall enough.. He picks me up and puts me on the bed. He has my knees bent under me as he pushes my head down to the bed to keep me from moving. He stands behind me, reaches under me and starts touching me. When my body starts to react he penetrates from behind. I feel intense pain, I try to pull away but he holds me in place. He tells me if I don't stop crying, if I don't stay still, he will give me something to cry about. I don't remember what happened before or after this, I'm guessing it wasn't good.
Seems whenever I question whether the abuse really happened something else comes back. Its almost like mind responds to my doubts- new memories come back just to make sure I know that my father did abuse me. I feel terrified as I'm reliving the abuse. My chest is tight and my eyes start to burn - no tears, never any tears as they were also forbidden. Tears always escalated the abuse - tears made him angry - and that was never good.
I managed to ground myself and get to sleep. I slept well - no nightmares, but the memory has been haunting me all day. My next appt with my therapist isn't until next Saturday. I'm thinking about texting her and asking if I can talk to her this week. I'm always a little hesitant to ask, but I guess the worst she can do is say no.
Just wandering if the flashbacks will ever go away for good