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TW My confusing relationship with my father

girlsnz

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THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

The 5th anniversary of my father's death has past and I survived. 

All of the doubts I had this past week about whether my father could ever hurt me - they were unsubstantiated. 

Last night while trying to go to sleep - flashes of abuse appeared in my head. I was small, maybe 5 or 6. I'm standing in front of his bed, he is directly behind me. He pushed my head down on the bed, he becomes frustrated because I'm not tall enough.. He picks me up and puts me on the  bed. He has my knees bent under me as he pushes my head down to the bed to keep me from moving. He stands behind me, reaches under me and starts touching me. When my body starts to react he penetrates from behind. I feel intense pain, I try to pull away but he holds me in place. He tells me if I don't stop crying, if I don't stay still, he will give me something to cry about. I don't remember what happened before or after this, I'm guessing it wasn't good.

Seems whenever I question whether the abuse really happened something else comes back. Its almost like mind responds to my doubts- new memories come back just to make sure I know that my father did abuse me. I feel terrified as I'm reliving the abuse. My chest is tight and my eyes start to burn - no tears, never any tears as they were also forbidden. Tears always escalated the abuse - tears made him angry - and that was never good.

I managed to ground myself and get to sleep. I slept well - no nightmares, but the memory has been haunting me all day. My next appt with my therapist isn't until next Saturday. I'm thinking about texting her and asking if I can talk to her this week. I'm always a little hesitant to ask, but I guess the worst she can do is say no.

Just wandering if the flashbacks will ever go away for good 



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Im so sorry for what you went through Girlsnz. And that it is coming back to you like this over time. I hope your therapist can talk with you earlier, your right there is no harm at all in asking.

You have been so very brave in sharing your memory here I hope you can verbalise it as well when you need to with your therapist and that speaking out is helpful for your processing. Sitting with you if you would like? B ❤

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@BrightSide

Thank you 

I usually journey several times a week.  I'm not very good at expressing myself verbally,  I usually read my journal to my therapist when I  cant find words to express myself.

I am hesitant to contact my therapist,  I feel like I'm being a baby- I feel like I should be able to use the tools I've acquired and handle it myself.

My therapist tells me to be careful with my shoulds- judging myself doesn't help. I'm hesitant to ask anything from anyone. I think it stems from my lack of self esteem. My father made sure I knew that I wasn't worth much; his old messages are still inside my head waiting for any opportunity to reinforce his message 

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Im glad that journaling helps you so much and that you can read it to your therapist when you need to.

I too struggle to ask for extra support when I need it, I dont want to seem needy - a learned response from my childhood is I must not need or want anything, I must not bother anyone. But like you said she can only say no and really she just wants to help and support you so if she can she will. Our therapists are not our parents and will not think or respond like them.

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@girlsnz

Thank you for being brave enough to share this memory. I hope that you find the inner strength to ask your T for extra support when you need it.

I struggle with not wanting to be too needy, not wanting to take up too much of my T's attention, not feeling I deserve it (it's hard to explain- it's not like I'm taking/stealing therapy away from another person to ask for support).

I can just sit here with you if you like. I'm sorry you're hurting. I know that pain and I'm sorry you're in it.

RR

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@BrightSide @RubyRosie

Thank you both for your encouragement. 

I texted my T and asked for a session this Saturday. It toke her a little while to respond, so of course I thought she was angry, that I was annoying, or that I just didn't deserve her help. She responded this morning - she wasn't angry or annoyed. She didn't think I was undeserving of her help. I have a session scheduled for this Saturday.

Thank you both for providing support - It feels good to know that you are both sitting with me.

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Im so glad you reached out and she responded. Well done youb for being so brave. I hope that your session on saturday goes well. Ill pocket ride for extra support if you would like? B

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@girlsnz

I am so proud of you for asking for help. This is a victory. I know that can be very hard sometimes. Asking for anything opens yourself up to be rejected. It feels risky.

It seems like sometimes it's easier for me to advocate for others than for me to advocate for my own needs.

Sending you good vibes,

RR

 

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@RubyRosie

I agree - it is so much easier for me to advocate for others. Fear of rejection often keeps me from advocating for my own needs. I was conditioned to believe that my needs didn't matter.

I'm hoping that if I continue to push myself and ask for help and I continue you receive a positive response, that my experience will change. I'm hoping that  I will eventually be able to ask for help believing that I am worthy of that help. 

Thank you for the good vibes :) 

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@BrightSide @RubyRosie

 

I had a session with my T on Saturday - we went over a lot of stuff - it really helped. I read the flashback to her - it was difficult but I got through it. She told me that I have made a lot of progress; when I first starting having flashbacks I wasn't able to ground myself - now I'm able to get myself grounded and convince myself that I am safe. This last memory wasnt nearly as bad as some of the ones I have had in the past.  

My legs are shaking as I write this - so i guess I haven't convinced my body that the abuse is safe to think or write about. The fact that I cant control it is extremely frustrating.

I have been having a lot of flashbacks over the past couple of weeks; its all new memories coming back to me. It is a little disheartening, I have experienced a lot of flashbacks; I wasn't expecting any new stuff to come up.

 

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@girlsnz

I am so proud of you. Asking for help when you need it is a hard thing to do. I'm glad she was able to support you.

I have been having more flashbacks lately. It's hard because I feel like I should have processed this stuff by now. But that's just me judging where I should be on my healing by now.

Please be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are valid, no matter how unpleasant they are. Processing this junk takes time. It's not fair to judge your progress when you are doing your best to heal.

Sitting with you, if you like.

And again, so proud that you are here. Your needs matter. Your pain matters.

RR

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@RubyRosie

Please be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are valid, no matter how unpleasant they are. Processing this junk takes time. It's not fair to judge your progress when you are doing your best to heal.

Sitting with you, if you like.

And again, so proud that you are here. Your needs matter. Your pain matters.

 

Thank you so much for your support - Im sorry you are experiencing flashbacks. 

You are right - it is not fair to judge my progress - but i do it all the time. I started to remember repressed memories of the abuse in 2007 - 13 years later and it feels like I should be a  lot further in my recovery than I am. Everyday life has gotten in the way of my recovery - there was too much going on, took everything I had to get through each day. Things have calmed down and I have been able to work on the effects of the abuse. I have started have flashbacks again - IL guess my body thought I was in place where I could handle the memories.

Thank you for sitting with me :)

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@girlsnz Im so pleased your T session went well, its really positive that you are managing to ground from your flashbacks better, but it is still very hard to be having them continuously and to be recieving new memories through them. Im sorry that you feel you should be further along in your healing, it makes sense that this could only be done when your everyday life was less chaotic. I think the same has happened to me. Keep fighting to heal Girlsnz, we are here for you. B ❤

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