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girlsnz

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About girlsnz

  • Rank
    Survivor
  • Birthday 06/21/1964

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Pennsylvania

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. The abuse did not take away my ability to feel compassion. It didn't take away my ability to find my husband and have 3 amazing children. It didn't take away my ability to enjoy my family; if anything, it did the opposite - I was aware how precious our time together was, and I made sure I enjoyed the time we spent together. After losing my mother and being abused by my father; I made sure my children never questioned how much I loved them, I made sure they weren't afraid to talk to me about anything, and I made sure they were never afraid of me. Definitely something I never had.
  2. girlsnz

    Masquerade

    Alice24601, I'm so sorry you are struggling with Memories. You are strong. You're sharing a part of your life that is extremely personal and that takes a lot of courage Ive told 6 people about my abuse. I shared details with 3 of the 6 and all 3 were therapist I didn't remember any of the abuse until I started having flashbacks. I haven't had a flashback for about 5 years. I still have nightmares but thank God I haven't had any flashbacks. They are terrifying. They are immobilizing. I would instantly be taken back in time in the middle of a horrific event. I would experience something that I didn't remember ever happening. I was unable to move or pull myself out of it. I could feel the pain and the fear. I could feel my father's hands around my neck as he raped me. I started to see a therapist and I learned how to ground myself in the present. To remind myself that it wasn't happening now. To remind myself that I'm safe. That's another hard thing to do; I wasn't always successful, it is always a struggle but it does get easier. My therapist helped me to process the memories. Once I processed them they lost their power over me. I remember the things he did to me- the memories haven't gone anywhere and sometimes my body still reacts. There are still things that trigger me and unfortunately I don't think that will ever go away. Today I have tools to cope with the memories that pop into my head. Today they are memories and memories are a lot easier to deal with than flashbacks
  3. Sexual abuse took away my childhood. It took away my ability to Express my emotions; took away my tears and my anger. It took away my ability to make decisions and to tell people that I disagree with them. I was so intent on making sure I met everyone else's needs that I lost myself in the process
  4. She floats I'm am sorry for everything I experienced When I told my therapist that I didn't believe the abuse really happened. She usually responded in 1 of 2 ways. She would ask me why I would make up the abuse? How would I even come up with some of the really bazaar stuff? Why did I gain by making up the abuse? Or She would say: No you're not crazy the abuse really happened. Crazy is a lot easier than dealing with the abuse, but you're not crazy.
  5. Ive been seeing a therapists (3 to be exact) for the past 20 years. I start seeing a therapist 20 years ago when my older brother died suddenly from a heart attack. He was only 44 and we were exceptionally close. I had a really difficult time dealing with his death. It took a while to work through and that led to my mothers death. She died when I was 6 years old. Some of the difficullyt i was having in reconciling my brother's death was because I was never allowed to grieve for my mother (I still havent dealt with all the feelings from my mother's death.) We stated taking about my home life when I was growing up. My therapist said that i was neglected and I became angry and argued with her. She was right. I was neglected and abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. I didnt remember any of the abuse but I soon start having flashbacks.I started to see a therapist that worked with survivors of sexual abuse. I worked with both of these therapist for years. They have both retired. I started seeing another therapist that specializes with survivors of sexual abuse about 2 years ago. She challenges me but I feel like Im stuck. LIke Im never going to get any further. What is keeping me from taking that next step? I'm unwilling or unable to express the anger and sadness that Ive been carrying around since my mother's death. I'm unable or unwilling to forgive myself for both my mother and fathers death (he died in 2015) and for the abuse. I am unwilling or unable to look at the small child within me with compassion. I just cant let go of the anger I feel for her. I'm not really sure how to get past it.
  6. I have always been successful with everything I have attempted. I have a successful career. I have been married for 17 years and have 3 children. I thought i had control of everything and everything in my life was just the way it was supposed to be. i only had one problem that concerned me. I was not capable of feeling much emotion. But other than that life was good. Then my brother died suddenly. The rug was pulled out from under me. I fell down and did not know how to get back up. I could not turn off all the pain that resulted from this loss. 5 months later and I lost a baby in my 5th month of my pregnency. Suddenly i did not have control. These horrible things were happening at i could not do anything to stop them. September will the 10th anniversery of my brother's death. I have been in counselling for 9 or those years. I have come to realize that I excelled and managed so well because I was afraid not to. I needed everything structured and controlled in order for me to feel any sense of security. I also realized I was trying to gain my father's love and approval by excelling at everything I did. Never worked- but i kept trying. I have been dealing with memories of sexual abuse for the past year and 1/2. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. Maybe I would have been better off if all of the memories had stayed buried. But I did remember and now I must deal with them because they won't go away no matter how hard I try to ignore them. To make a long story short.... Yes, I can relate to how you feel. It seems like alot of us can.
  7. I have been in the chat room a few times since it has changed-Your right no one is ever there. I could not get in at first after the chat room changed- I had to download Java from the internet
  8. girlsnz

    I'm New

    I am also new. I am so glad I found this website. I have been looking for a support group and there are none close to me. The closest is about an hour away from me. It is an answer to a prayer
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