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About girlsnz

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  • Birthday 06/21/1964

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  1. TW I'm not sure, I haven't talked about with any of them. I definitely know that he abused me and my niece (my stepbrothers daughter.) I have 1 memory of my father abusing both of us. He started to grab me and she begged him to take her instead. He abused her and made me watch, when he was finished he picked up and took me into his bedroom. I have several memories of my oldest brother and father abusing me at the same time. I have a memory of my trying to make my youngest brother hurt me, my brother fault back and my father threw him out of my room. He and I were exceptionally close - both of my other siblings were both jealous. My father made it pretty obvious that I was his favorite. I also know my sister was furious when she found out that I had POA and that I was the only 1 in the will. I'm not sure if that answered your question
  2. My father died 5 years ago and yet he continues to effect my life. I guess a brief recap is needed for this to make sense My mother died in January 1971. My father remarried in September 1971 From the first time my sister met our stepmother until her death 2 years ago; my sister was disrespectful and didn't make any effort to have any kind of relationship My oldest brother and sister saw my parents for about an hour 3 times a year. My younger and I made an effort to keep our parents involved in our lives 1997 my youngest brother died suddenly from a heart attack My youngest child was born in 1999 In 2000 my parents changed their will. They removed my 2 remaining siblings and left everything to me. They also assigned me as their POA. My parents told me this when the change was made. They also told me not to give in and give anyone else anything. They also told that I also had medical POA, they wanted me to follow their wishes regarding care and end of life decisions. We discussed what they wanted and I was not to let anyone make those decisions 7 years my stepmother had severe dementia. My father wasted taking care of her properly and he wouldn't accept any help. My husband and I took her to a crisis center and convinced my father that we didn't have any choice. I sat on the floor in the hospital listening to her and cry to go home. I still feel incredibly guilty for placing her in a nursing home even though I know it was the best choice ( she was so dirty that she had e coli. A few months later we found out that my father had prostate cancer. It so far advanced that it was terminal - it making it's way up his spine. We kept him home as long as we could, but eventually we had to put him a nursing home as well. It was then that I figured out what a difficult position my parents put me in. My sister was angry because I had medical POA and the nursing home wouldn't change anything regarding his care without checking with me and they wouldn't discuss his medicine with her at all. I told them that they could discuss his care and condition with any family member but any procedure or change of medication could only be reviewed or approved by me. I had several reasons for this decision - at first i let the nursing home discuss his medication and any procedure wit other family members. The nursing home got a lot of pressure to change his medicine or to do certain procedures from my family, especially my sister. For example - he lost conciousness a few times before he died- I was pressured to put a feeding tube in. I knew my father didn't want that so I didn't give permission to have a feeding tube placed. He later regained consciousness, he confirmed that he did not want a feeding tube. Family members wanted him to have an MRI to find out how much longer he had. Again I said no. He freaked out the last time he had an MRI, I wasn't going to put him through it again just so they would have a better idea of how much time had. My sister continuously told me to move my stepmother into a cheaper nursing home. Her logic - her level of care didn't matter because she couldn't remember any thing anyway. I didn't move her - I want to be well cared for regardless of what she was able to remember. After my father's death my sister would periodically call me to see if my stepmother was still alive. She wanted her inheritance. I knew that there wouldn't be anything left, the state had a lien on the property for her care. I told my sister that - I guess she isn't believe me I sold the house after my stepmothers death - all the money went to the state. My sister didn't believe that all of the money went to the state and accused me of stealing her inheritance. She pushed me a little too far and I forwarded her a copy of the portion of the will showing that she wasn't left anything. She and by brother haven't talked to me in 2 years. I never told her because I knew there wasn't anything left. I didn't think she needed to know that she wasn't in the will. Now here we are In July 2020. My aunt called me and told me that my brother had died suddenly Thursdat morning, cause of death still hasn't been determined. My sister is very upset and told everyone not to let me know that he died. She was going to have him cremated and bring him home without any kind of viewing or memorial for him - again to keep me from finding out or to say goodbye if I did find out. My aunt is going to let me know when COD is determined or if my sister decided to have some sort of memorial service for him. I'm. Completely overwhelmed- trying to deal with my brother's death and my sister's behavior. Not being able to say goodbye and Delhi's life's devastating. I've never had to mourn like this before. It dawned on me yesterday that she has told my entire family about his death, she told them not to let me know about his death and everyone agreed not to tell me that my brother died, all except 2 of my brother's sister and 1 cousin. What has told them about me that is so bad that they would agree to this? Could there ever be a valid reason not to let me know? I believe my parents thought they were doing something really nice for me when they wrote the will. They had no idea that things would go the way they did but they had to know how my how my sister would react when she found out she wasn't in the will.
  3. @mango_star1 Thanks for sending me healing energy. I have thought about using medical marijuana, even went to a doctor and got a prescription. I found out that I would have to complete an application on a desk computer at my home. If the application is approved the state will send documentation, once I receive the docs, I can go to a dispensary and buy the marijuana. I would have to follow up with the dr every few months. Just seems like a lot of work. Maybe I'll try again Thanks for sharing- I would definitely try it if it was an easier process
  4. @Viceless Thanks for the books, i'll take a look.Some of it may be psychosomatic - Looking at your list of books - I don't think I have read any of John Sarno, but I have read "The Body Keeps the Score." by Besel Vad Dr Kolk - I agree, it is a very good book. i know some of it is from the abuse - I had a broken bone in my lower back - doctor told me it had been broken for a very long time - probably was broken when I was a child - my father did like to throw me around. I blame the damage to my neck on my father as well, not sure if it is fair, but he picked me up by neck several times and he also used to choke me.
  5. @Viceless and @mango_star1 Thank you both for your support. It means a lot to me @Viceless i think I have read a John Samos book - it's been a while and i dont remember the name of the books - seems like it may be time to read them again.I'll check the documentary and the the book, "When the Body Says No." I would welcome any other recommendations. @mango_star1 I am also hesitant to see a woman therapist - so far I've been ok with a male doctor. I trust the neurosurgeon - he has performed 3 surgeries on my spine - 1 lumbar and 2 cervical.My entire cervical spine is fused; the surgeon told me not to let anyone adjust my neck - there is just 2 much hardware and a chance that something could go wrong. Because of this I'm really afraid to go to a chiropractor. My daughter sees a chiropractor - Ive talked to her and she agreed with surgeon. I can't imagine seeing a male therapist. I don't think I could ever feel safe with a man. I know i would never be able to close my eyes with a male therapist - it's difficult with a woman therapist - it would be impossible with a man in the room. I've looked into Marijuana, unfortunately its not covered by my insurance. I'm not a big fan of opioids either - especially when the label states that you can become addicted even if you follow all of the directions and take as directed. I dont like the idea of having it go into my blood stream 24/7. I took the patch off this evening to give my body a break. The fact that we lost our oldest son to an overdose about 2 1/2 years ago doesnt help. Thank you again for your support; you have both given something to think about.
  6. I've had a rough couple of days. I had Covid for the entire month of May. I've started feeling better; and then I woke up Monday morning barely able to move. My back hurts, pain radiates around my body and into my chest. My ribs hurt, I have pain going into my arms and my legs. I cant take a deep breath, I cant talk very long, or stand up or sit down or I get really bad chest and back pain. I've had issues with my spine for the last 10 years. I've had 2 neck surgeries and 1 lower back surgeries. I know I currently have 2 herniated discs in my thoracic spine and 1 in my lumbar spine.; tr I've been dealing with the effects of the herniated discs for the past couple years. I went back to the neurosurgeon who did all of my surgeries. He doesn't want to do surgery to correct the herniation in my thoracic spine - its more complicated and has a higher risks than anywhere else on the spine. I've been seeing an orthopedic doctor for the past 6 months - trying to control the pain and avoid surgery. I already had an appointment scheduled Monday afternoon. The doctor does Orthopedic Manipulation - he does manipulation, moving bones and muscles to their correct place to relieve pain. He worked on me for a while. He said he did all that he could do; the remaining pain was from the pinched nerve in my thoracic spine. He wants me to have an injection in my back to relieve the pain - I've already had 2 injections - neither helped at all. He has given me Fentanyl patches for the pain. I dont like how they make me feel; they take the edge off of the pain but that's about it. I called the neurosurgeon this morning and left a message; his PA called me back and reviewed my symptoms - she is going to schedule a MIR and follow up with an appointment after the results are received.. I'm just really disheartened; I was just starting to feel better and this suddenly gets a lot worse. I'm really afraid I'm going to get the MRI and go to the doctor and he is going to tell me that there isnt anything wrong with me. I'm going to feel really foolish if that happens I felt really foolish last summer when I went to see him about the thoracic herniation. He told me there was a small herniation but it wasn;t effecting my spinal cord. He told me that he didn't want to do surgery unless it became worse. He did tell me to call him if it got worse - it feels a lot worse since last summer. But what if I'm just imaging it? What if I am just being a baby? I'm going to feel really stupid if that happens.
  7. @Mitchi Welcome to AS, I'm glad you found us. I found that everyone on the website is very supportive. Telling your story can be very difficult and helpful. It is a big decision - I would suggest that you take your time - don't push yourself to share more than your comfortable sharing; but you can certainly write as much as you want on AS without worrying about being judged by anyone. I also find it hard to look someone in the eye when i share difficult things - I think I do this because I feel guilty that somehow it was my fault, or that I won't believed, or that I will be judged for what I said. I'm sorry that you have suffered - you didn't deserve it. Please be kind to yourself.
  8. @TheLionQueen Welcome, AS is a safe and supportive place. You can find a posts similar to what you are going through - you are not alone.
  9. girlsnz

    Losing The Fight

    @Viceless This says a lot, for me it shows the hell where someone who experiences CSA lives. Many of us have experienced all of these things. Your drawing says so much - it reveals so many secrets.
  10. May be Triggering - Need Support and possibly pocket riders 

    This has been a tough week; I get worse as Father's Day approaches.I was born on Father's Day; and my birthday is on Fathers Day this year. My stepmother's birthday was on June 26th. When my parents were alive we would celebrate together on one day. I miss them this time of year.

    But I also have a bad feeling when I think about Father's Day or my birthday. No memories; I just feel apprehensive and scared. I don't know if he abused me; just because I have a bad feeling doesn't mean anything happened. 

    But it certainly feels like something happened. My body is reacting as if I'm having a  flashback but there are no memories.

    It feels like there are memories; but I'm trying really hard not to let them break free - I really don't want to remember anything else. But the feeling isn't going away. I know that I will feel better once I get through Sunday. I'm tired of struggling with this every year.

    The obvious thing that comes to mind is that the abuse is a birthday or Father's Day gift; or maybe both. Is that too obvious? Am I taking the fear and uneasiness and letting my imagination run away from me? I don't want to get beyond the feelings; in fact I want the feelings to go away and not come back.

    Something happened yesterday; it seems to be making everything worse.

    I found out that a man from my church died. I have known him all of my life; I grew up with his children. He was always a kind, patient, gentle man. I always felt safe around him. Looking back he is what I would want for a father if I got to pick my own father. He was 93 years old and up until about 6 months ago he would take meals from the church to a homeless shelter. 

    I never let anyone in;i never allow anyone to get close to me, I never allow myself to care about anyone. I didn't realize how much I cared for him until he died. I wont be able to attend his funeral - which really makes me sad. 

    I go back to the doctor tomorrow, I guess it's really today, I'm not looking forward to that either - more back manipulation - guaranteed. 

    I feel like I am all over the place; but I could you see some support this week - unless until I make it through Sunday.


    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. MeBeMary
    3. girlsnz


      @Capulet @BrightSide @MeBeMary

      Thank you all for your support.

      Dr's appointment was not as bad as I was expecting - no back  manipulation today.

      Dr  spent my appt pushing and pulling on my neck head, back, arms, and legs. Seems like it just makes everything worse. He also reviewed MRI results from last May and showed me several herniated discs.

      My cervical spine is fused from c2 - T1. You would think it would be impossible for me to  have a pinched nerve in my neck when the whole thing is fused. But I  do.

      The bottom of my lumbar spine is fused as well. Ive go another herniated disc there as well. 

      I have 2 more in my thoracic spine

      He wants his partner to do a guided spine injection in each area.  Ive had them before - they can be triggering and they haven't helped. if it does not work this time; I think i may just live with the pain.

      The only problem with that is the pain can be triggering. Pretty sure my father is responsible for most if not all of the issues with my back.Just one more reminder of what he did to me. 

      I'm still worried about Sunday. I did text my T and she is going to meet with me for about 30 minutes tomorrow. Once again I was really apprehensive about asking; and once again she agreed to see me. 

      Thank you again for sitting with me and pocket riding - I really appreciate it.

    4. girlsnz


      May be triggering

      I had trouble falling asleep last night; every time i closed my eyes there were snakes moving all around me. My T suggests when this happens I should tell them to go away and if they don't listen - stab them with a knife if they get to close. This use to work all of the time, but not so much anymore.. 

      Last night I was afraid to confront them. They were huge - they terrified me. I didnt think about stabbing them - i couldnt move. They were close but they werent touching me. They were yellow and white. The snakes werent trying to attack me but they were very large and aggressive.. They were traveling off of the floor - gravity wast effecting then. It seemed like they were going back and forth between here and some sort of alternate world - As they moved a part of them would disappear and then reappear as they continued moving in circles.

      I had to keep opening my eye in order to feel safe. I keep repeating to myself - They are just rumors of memories I've already won.It helped calm me down a little bit but I was still afraid to close my eyes.

  11. @fiercekitten Welcome to after the Silence - So glad you found us. I am sorry ex abused you and Im sorry that you have to interact with him. I have found that the people on AS are always supportive and kind. I just wanted to say Hi and welcome.
  12. @Dreamer24 Welcome - Im glad you found After the Silence. It helped me accept that I was not alone - I can always find something on AS that is similar to what I'm experiencing. I found that everyone is so supportive and kind. Take your time and do what you feel comfortable with. Please reach out and message someone if you would like Sitting with you if ok
  13. @RubyRosie Please be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are valid, no matter how unpleasant they are. Processing this junk takes time. It's not fair to judge your progress when you are doing your best to heal. Sitting with you, if you like. And again, so proud that you are here. Your needs matter. Your pain matters. Thank you so much for your support - Im sorry you are experiencing flashbacks. You are right - it is not fair to judge my progress - but i do it all the time. I started to remember repressed memories of the abuse in 2007 - 13 years later and it feels like I should be a lot further in my recovery than I am. Everyday life has gotten in the way of my recovery - there was too much going on, took everything I had to get through each day. Things have calmed down and I have been able to work on the effects of the abuse. I have started have flashbacks again - IL guess my body thought I was in place where I could handle the memories. Thank you for sitting with me
  14. @BrightSide @RubyRosie I had a session with my T on Saturday - we went over a lot of stuff - it really helped. I read the flashback to her - it was difficult but I got through it. She told me that I have made a lot of progress; when I first starting having flashbacks I wasn't able to ground myself - now I'm able to get myself grounded and convince myself that I am safe. This last memory wasnt nearly as bad as some of the ones I have had in the past. My legs are shaking as I write this - so i guess I haven't convinced my body that the abuse is safe to think or write about. The fact that I cant control it is extremely frustrating. I have been having a lot of flashbacks over the past couple of weeks; its all new memories coming back to me. It is a little disheartening, I have experienced a lot of flashbacks; I wasn't expecting any new stuff to come up.
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