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My father's influence in my life continues


girlsnz

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My father died 5 years ago and yet he continues to effect my life. 

I guess a brief recap is needed for this to make sense

  • My mother died in January 1971.
  • My father remarried in September 1971
  • From the first time my sister met our stepmother until her death 2 years ago; my sister was disrespectful and didn't make any effort to have any kind of relationship My oldest brother and sister saw my parents for about an hour 3 times a year.
  • My younger and I made an effort to keep our parents involved in our lives
  • 1997 my youngest brother died suddenly from a heart attack 
  • My youngest child was born in 1999
  • In 2000 my parents changed their will. They removed my 2 remaining siblings and left everything to me. They also assigned me as their POA. My parents told me this when the change was made. They also told me not to give in and give anyone else anything. They also told that I also had medical POA, they wanted  me to follow their wishes regarding care and end of life decisions. We discussed what they wanted and I was not to let anyone make those decisions 
  • 7 years my stepmother had severe dementia.  My father wasted taking care of her properly and he wouldn't accept any help. My husband and I took her to a crisis center  and convinced my father that we didn't have any choice.  I sat on the floor in the hospital listening to her and cry to go home. I still feel incredibly guilty for placing her in a nursing home even though I know it was the best choice ( she was so dirty that she had e coli.
  • A few months later we found out that my father had prostate cancer. It so far advanced that it was terminal - it making it's way up his spine. We kept him home as long as we could, but eventually we had to put him a nursing home as well.
  • It was then that I figured out what a difficult position my parents put me in. My sister was angry because I had medical POA and the nursing home wouldn't change anything regarding his care without checking with me and they wouldn't discuss his medicine with her at all. I told them that they could discuss his care and condition with any family member but any procedure or change of medication could only be reviewed or approved by me. I had several reasons for this decision - at first  i let the nursing home discuss his medication and any procedure wit other family members.  The nursing home got a lot of pressure to change his medicine or to do certain procedures from my family, especially my sister. For example - he lost conciousness a few times before he died- I was pressured to put a feeding tube in. I knew my father didn't want that so I  didn't give permission to have a feeding tube placed. He later regained consciousness,  he confirmed that he did not want a feeding tube. Family members wanted him to have an MRI to find out how much longer he had. Again I said no. He freaked out the last time he had an MRI, I wasn't going to put him through it again just so they would have a better idea of how much time had.
  • My sister continuously told me to move my stepmother into a cheaper nursing home.  Her logic - her level of care didn't matter  because she couldn't remember any thing anyway.  I didn't move her - I want to be well cared for regardless of what she was able to remember. 
  • After my father's death my sister would periodically call me to see if my stepmother was still alive. She wanted her inheritance.  I knew that there wouldn't be anything left, the state had a lien on the property for her care. I told my sister that - I guess she isn't believe me
  • I sold the house after my stepmothers death - all the money went to the state. My sister didn't believe that all of the money went to the state and accused me of stealing her inheritance.  She pushed me a little too far and I forwarded her a copy of the portion of the will showing that she wasn't left anything. She and by brother haven't talked to me in 2 years. I never told her because I knew there wasn't anything left. I didn't think she needed to know that she wasn't in the will.

Now here we are In July 2020. My aunt called me and told me that my brother had died suddenly Thursdat morning,  cause of death still hasn't been determined.  My sister is very upset and told everyone not to let me know that he died. She was going to have him cremated and bring him home without any kind of viewing or memorial for him - again to keep me from finding out or to say goodbye if I did find out.  My aunt is going to let me know when COD is determined or if my sister decided to have some sort of memorial service for him.

I'm. Completely overwhelmed- trying to deal with my brother's death and my sister's behavior.  Not being able to say goodbye and Delhi's life's devastating. I've never had to mourn like this before.

It dawned on me yesterday that she has told my entire family about his death, she told them not to let me know about his death and everyone agreed not to tell me that my brother died, all except 2 of my brother's sister and 1 cousin. What has told them about me that is so bad that they would agree to this? Could there ever be a valid reason not to let me know?

I believe my parents thought they were doing something really nice for me when they wrote the will. They had no idea that things would go the way they did but they had to know how my how my sister would react when she found out she wasn't in the will.

 

 

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I'm not sure, I haven't talked about with any of them. I definitely know that he abused me and my niece (my stepbrothers daughter.)

I have 1 memory of my father abusing both of us. He started to grab me and she begged him to take her instead. He abused her and made me watch, when  he was finished he picked up and took me into his bedroom. 

I have several memories of my oldest brother and father abusing me at the same time.

I have a memory of my trying to make my youngest brother hurt me, my brother fault back and my father threw him out of my room. He and I were exceptionally close - both of my other siblings were both jealous.

My father made it pretty obvious that I was his favorite.

I also know my sister was furious when she found out that I had POA and that I was the only 1 in the will.

I'm not sure if that answered your question 

Edited by girlsnz
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