Viceless

I went to the chiropractor tonight. I saw a different guy than normal cuz I changed the time last minute. He seemed like he was in a hurry. It was the fastest adjustment I’ve had and he didn’t tell me what he was doing before he did it. He had me stand against the wall and then basically pressed himself against me multiple times. In my mind I’m thinking “STOP!” but I couldn’t say anything. My mind was racing and I started thinking back… Then he has me lay on the table and basically laid on top of me. I was back in the past but trying not to think about it and tell myself that I was safe even t

It’s so hard when no one in our lives understand. I’m sorry you have no one to turn to in your every day life but I think every person on this site would listen to you if you needed to talk. It’s painful watching them live these great lives untouched and happy when we’re going thru hell because of them. I’m sorry you know how that feels. I‘m here if you need it. Your not alone in how you feel or your situation. I’m glad you posted.

I try to draw the bad stuff then add the good stuff in after to calm myself down. I kept going back and forth thinking of more bad stuff. I was triggered yesterday and got a phone call today that just made me feel “naked in front of a crowd”. I guess drawing helps me realize that I’m confused and struggling going back and forth really trying to keep myself out of the dark place.

@Celia Thanks you for sitting with me. @Charlie.1 I don’t know why I didn’t get notified but I’m just now seeing this. Thanks for your thoughts. My therapist never tells me what I should do but she’s having me read a book on forgiveness. I would like to just let it all go and stop carrying the burden, but i can’t get there for some reason. It’s funny you saying I’m good at art cuz I just google clipart pictures and trace:) thanks tho:) I feel pressure to get thru this but i think maybe i need to slow down. I’m doing the best i can right now.

I either find a way to forgive or I literally don’t survive this. I barely made it thru the day. Feelings of not surviving were really strong. It’s all too much to carry alone. I either let it go or I go. It’s all just building up. I think I might actually be at the end of my rope.

Wow your an amazing writer. I can feel the pain of where your coming from in the way you word things. Your post really hit home for me. I’ve been dealing with other peoples opinions about me and what I’m not doing enough of...lately but they don’t know what happened or what I’m going thru. Actually, a couple people do but because it never happened to them, they just don’t get it. I’m sorry you are in the same place. It’s extremely hard and can feel so hopeless. I know your not finding comfort from people close to you but I hope you can find it here. I’m with you in this pain and would always t

It’s really hard to give ourselves a break most of the time. One thing that’s really helped me when I can’t acknowledge I wasn’t to blame at 5-6 is to think of one of my nieces or other 6 yr old kids I know. That makes it more obvious to me. I would never blame one of them. Same for your situation. I can think of a few 12-16 yr olds and the thought of them being blamed for something a teacher did to them would be outrageous.

You have nothing to be sorry for. This is the place to share all your secrets...and I agree with your therapist about the less secrets, the better for you mentally and physically. I’m sorry for all your teacher did to you. He abused his power and your not to blame. It’s amazing that you excelled in art...even with all of that going on behind closed doors. It goes to show how resilient you are. You survived. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure that was extremely hard to make public.

Sometimes all the therapy, self care, learning to see things differently...feels like a waste. My therapist asked me where I could be myself. I realized I’m not even myself some times when I’m alone. I can’t let my guard down with myself. Faking it till I make it isn’t gona work tho.

I know I’m suppose to find something good or change the picture somehow but I see nothing good coming out of all of this.

I feel like a little kid again with no options... I’m stuck unless I want to lose everything, which I don’t.

Chronic pain takes such a toll on my mental health. Obviously it affects me physically but some days it’s just really hard to not give up.

I’m sure some of it could be related to the abuse as well. I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced. Your right, it isn’t fair. You deserve better.

The Dr John Sarno books I’ve read are “the divided mind”, “the mindbody prescription” and “healing back pain”. I would read “the divided mind” last. It’s a bit technical. “Mind over medicine” by lissa rankin is another great book. She has a website as well. “the body keeps the score” by bessel van der kolk is a good one. There’s an app called Curable that stems from the psychosomatic philosophy and also The Pain Cure Clinic is an online company helping people with chronic pain. You can talk to them for free before deciding if you want to try their method. I obviously don’t know enoug