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About this blog

This blog is an ongoing collection of my realizations, story, and memories as they resurface. TRIGGERING!! ⚠️ 

I currently see myself as an "enigma - full of mystery and repressed memories". With time, processing, recovery, and healing, I believe my true self can be unveiled. :meditationf:

Entries in this blog

 

“Tell Me You’re Mine” - FM

This is a journal entry I have held private from posting to my blog for the past few weeks. It is extremely embarrassing, nauseating, and upsetting to write about. However, the body memories and flashback became so vivid that I needed to release it. My T says, the more I suppress or hide experiences like this, the more power I am giving  my shame. So here it is. ____ A couple of months ago, if you asked me about my relationship with my art teacher FM, I would have said he was smart and

Enigma87

Enigma87

 

Unveiling My Truth - "IR"

I wrote a first draft of this earlier in a blog I keep hidden as a mental and emotional release. I was ashamed of what happened and have felt guilty thinking I was to blame for having frozen when forced, and being much older than the guy this happened with. I had no idea what to call this. However, I think I am ready to break the silence on this. So here it goes… ____ My younger sister had just gotten married, and I was ready to get away after being engulfed in all the planning. I was

Enigma87

Enigma87

 

These Are My Burdens To Carry

I have desperately tried to take responsibility for my own life and be perfect, and deal with my issues in private. But I had a breakdown... Now my parents see me for the wreck I am. God, now "I" see myself for the wreck I am. They think I'm a mental case that does not put faith in God enough anymore. They say I'm an alcoholic and cannot fathom why I would ever want to slice my flesh like that, or threaten to take my life. They shake their head at me as if I am some sort of disappointment. 

Enigma87

Enigma87

 

The Day My Teacher Comforted Me

This memory resurfaced on the same night in conjunction with the memory of my having mercy on my father for hurting me. This memory took place the day after I “Had Mercy on My Father”. I was still recovering from the blow to my head and had sore spots on my body from where I slammed into the wall, and fell to the ground. I was still confused as to why he gave me the option to turn him in. Was it reverse psychology? Or did he really have a change of heart? I was so distracted at school the n

Enigma87

Enigma87

 

The Day I Had Mercy on My Father

This memory resurfaced last night while trying to fall asleep in bed. I think I was 15 and my sister was 10 at the time. It was Sunday morning. We were getting dressed to go to our Sunday Meeting at our usual place of worship. My mom was out of town for the weekend. My father is the coordinator of elders (equivalent to a church’s pastor). He said we needed to leave in 10 minutes. I came downstairs ready. I walked into the kitchen, where he was straightening his tie. He made some remar

Enigma87

Enigma87

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