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Everything posted by girlsnz

  1. Mom, I sat in the chapel and tried to talk to you. It was difficult to imagine you were there because you haven’t been here in a long time. As much as I begged and pleaded with you to come back; you never did. All the times I needed you; you were never here. Why would you be here now? I guess I can concentrate on what I would say to you if you were here; if somehow you came back and I, as an adult, could talk to you, what would I want to ask you? Why? That would be my first question. It would be the start of so many of my questions Why didn’t you prepare for your death? Why didn
  2. TW I'm not sure, I haven't talked about with any of them. I definitely know that he abused me and my niece (my stepbrothers daughter.) I have 1 memory of my father abusing both of us. He started to grab me and she begged him to take her instead. He abused her and made me watch, when he was finished he picked up and took me into his bedroom. I have several memories of my oldest brother and father abusing me at the same time. I have a memory of my trying to make my youngest brother hurt me, my brother fault back and my father threw him out of my room. He and I were exceptio
  3. My father died 5 years ago and yet he continues to effect my life. I guess a brief recap is needed for this to make sense My mother died in January 1971. My father remarried in September 1971 From the first time my sister met our stepmother until her death 2 years ago; my sister was disrespectful and didn't make any effort to have any kind of relationship My oldest brother and sister saw my parents for about an hour 3 times a year. My younger and I made an effort to keep our parents involved in our lives 1997 my youngest brother died suddenly from a heart
  4. @mango_star1 Thanks for sending me healing energy. I have thought about using medical marijuana, even went to a doctor and got a prescription. I found out that I would have to complete an application on a desk computer at my home. If the application is approved the state will send documentation, once I receive the docs, I can go to a dispensary and buy the marijuana. I would have to follow up with the dr every few months. Just seems like a lot of work. Maybe I'll try again Thanks for sharing- I would definitely try it if it was an easier process
  5. @Viceless Thanks for the books, i'll take a look.Some of it may be psychosomatic - Looking at your list of books - I don't think I have read any of John Sarno, but I have read "The Body Keeps the Score." by Besel Vad Dr Kolk - I agree, it is a very good book. i know some of it is from the abuse - I had a broken bone in my lower back - doctor told me it had been broken for a very long time - probably was broken when I was a child - my father did like to throw me around. I blame the damage to my neck on my father as well, not sure if it is fair, but he picked me up by neck sever
  6. @Viceless and @mango_star1 Thank you both for your support. It means a lot to me @Viceless i think I have read a John Samos book - it's been a while and i dont remember the name of the books - seems like it may be time to read them again.I'll check the documentary and the the book, "When the Body Says No." I would welcome any other recommendations. @mango_star1 I am also hesitant to see a woman therapist - so far I've been ok with a male doctor. I trust the neurosurgeon - he has performed 3 surgeries on my spine - 1 lumbar and 2 cervical.My entire cervical spine is fu
  7. I've had a rough couple of days. I had Covid for the entire month of May. I've started feeling better; and then I woke up Monday morning barely able to move. My back hurts, pain radiates around my body and into my chest. My ribs hurt, I have pain going into my arms and my legs. I cant take a deep breath, I cant talk very long, or stand up or sit down or I get really bad chest and back pain. I've had issues with my spine for the last 10 years. I've had 2 neck surgeries and 1 lower back surgeries. I know I currently have 2 herniated discs in my thoracic spine and 1 in my lumbar spine.
  8. @Mitchi Welcome to AS, I'm glad you found us. I found that everyone on the website is very supportive. Telling your story can be very difficult and helpful. It is a big decision - I would suggest that you take your time - don't push yourself to share more than your comfortable sharing; but you can certainly write as much as you want on AS without worrying about being judged by anyone. I also find it hard to look someone in the eye when i share difficult things - I think I do this because I feel guilty that somehow it was my fault, or that I won't believed, or that I will be ju
  9. @TheLionQueen Welcome, AS is a safe and supportive place. You can find a posts similar to what you are going through - you are not alone.
  10. girlsnz

    Losing The Fight

    @Viceless This says a lot, for me it shows the hell where someone who experiences CSA lives. Many of us have experienced all of these things. Your drawing says so much - it reveals so many secrets.
  11. May be Triggering - Need Support and possibly pocket riders 

    This has been a tough week; I get worse as Father's Day approaches.I was born on Father's Day; and my birthday is on Fathers Day this year. My stepmother's birthday was on June 26th. When my parents were alive we would celebrate together on one day. I miss them this time of year.

    But I also have a bad feeling when I think about Father's Day or my birthday. No memories; I just feel apprehensive and scared. I don't know if he abused me; just because I have a bad feeling doesn't mean anything happened. 

    But it certainly feels like something happened. My body is reacting as if I'm having a  flashback but there are no memories.

    It feels like there are memories; but I'm trying really hard not to let them break free - I really don't want to remember anything else. But the feeling isn't going away. I know that I will feel better once I get through Sunday. I'm tired of struggling with this every year.

    The obvious thing that comes to mind is that the abuse is a birthday or Father's Day gift; or maybe both. Is that too obvious? Am I taking the fear and uneasiness and letting my imagination run away from me? I don't want to get beyond the feelings; in fact I want the feelings to go away and not come back.

    Something happened yesterday; it seems to be making everything worse.

    I found out that a man from my church died. I have known him all of my life; I grew up with his children. He was always a kind, patient, gentle man. I always felt safe around him. Looking back he is what I would want for a father if I got to pick my own father. He was 93 years old and up until about 6 months ago he would take meals from the church to a homeless shelter. 

    I never let anyone in;i never allow anyone to get close to me, I never allow myself to care about anyone. I didn't realize how much I cared for him until he died. I wont be able to attend his funeral - which really makes me sad. 

    I go back to the doctor tomorrow, I guess it's really today, I'm not looking forward to that either - more back manipulation - guaranteed. 

    I feel like I am all over the place; but I could you see some support this week - unless until I make it through Sunday.


    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. MeBeMary
    3. girlsnz


      @Capulet @BrightSide @MeBeMary

      Thank you all for your support.

      Dr's appointment was not as bad as I was expecting - no back  manipulation today.

      Dr  spent my appt pushing and pulling on my neck head, back, arms, and legs. Seems like it just makes everything worse. He also reviewed MRI results from last May and showed me several herniated discs.

      My cervical spine is fused from c2 - T1. You would think it would be impossible for me to  have a pinched nerve in my neck when the whole thing is fused. But I  do.

      The bottom of my lumbar spine is fused as well. Ive go another herniated disc there as well. 

      I have 2 more in my thoracic spine

      He wants his partner to do a guided spine injection in each area.  Ive had them before - they can be triggering and they haven't helped. if it does not work this time; I think i may just live with the pain.

      The only problem with that is the pain can be triggering. Pretty sure my father is responsible for most if not all of the issues with my back.Just one more reminder of what he did to me. 

      I'm still worried about Sunday. I did text my T and she is going to meet with me for about 30 minutes tomorrow. Once again I was really apprehensive about asking; and once again she agreed to see me. 

      Thank you again for sitting with me and pocket riding - I really appreciate it.

    4. girlsnz


      May be triggering

      I had trouble falling asleep last night; every time i closed my eyes there were snakes moving all around me. My T suggests when this happens I should tell them to go away and if they don't listen - stab them with a knife if they get to close. This use to work all of the time, but not so much anymore.. 

      Last night I was afraid to confront them. They were huge - they terrified me. I didnt think about stabbing them - i couldnt move. They were close but they werent touching me. They were yellow and white. The snakes werent trying to attack me but they were very large and aggressive.. They were traveling off of the floor - gravity wast effecting then. It seemed like they were going back and forth between here and some sort of alternate world - As they moved a part of them would disappear and then reappear as they continued moving in circles.

      I had to keep opening my eye in order to feel safe. I keep repeating to myself - They are just rumors of memories I've already won.It helped calm me down a little bit but I was still afraid to close my eyes.

  12. @fiercekitten Welcome to after the Silence - So glad you found us. I am sorry ex abused you and Im sorry that you have to interact with him. I have found that the people on AS are always supportive and kind. I just wanted to say Hi and welcome.
  13. @Dreamer24 Welcome - Im glad you found After the Silence. It helped me accept that I was not alone - I can always find something on AS that is similar to what I'm experiencing. I found that everyone is so supportive and kind. Take your time and do what you feel comfortable with. Please reach out and message someone if you would like Sitting with you if ok
  14. @RubyRosie Please be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are valid, no matter how unpleasant they are. Processing this junk takes time. It's not fair to judge your progress when you are doing your best to heal. Sitting with you, if you like. And again, so proud that you are here. Your needs matter. Your pain matters. Thank you so much for your support - Im sorry you are experiencing flashbacks. You are right - it is not fair to judge my progress - but i do it all the time. I started to remember repressed memories of the abuse in 2007 - 13 years later and it fee
  15. @BrightSide @RubyRosie I had a session with my T on Saturday - we went over a lot of stuff - it really helped. I read the flashback to her - it was difficult but I got through it. She told me that I have made a lot of progress; when I first starting having flashbacks I wasn't able to ground myself - now I'm able to get myself grounded and convince myself that I am safe. This last memory wasnt nearly as bad as some of the ones I have had in the past. My legs are shaking as I write this - so i guess I haven't convinced my body that the abuse is safe to think or write about. Th
  16. @RubyRosie I agree - it is so much easier for me to advocate for others. Fear of rejection often keeps me from advocating for my own needs. I was conditioned to believe that my needs didn't matter. I'm hoping that if I continue to push myself and ask for help and I continue you receive a positive response, that my experience will change. I'm hoping that I will eventually be able to ask for help believing that I am worthy of that help. Thank you for the good vibes
  17. @BrightSide @RubyRosie Thank you both for your encouragement. I texted my T and asked for a session this Saturday. It toke her a little while to respond, so of course I thought she was angry, that I was annoying, or that I just didn't deserve her help. She responded this morning - she wasn't angry or annoyed. She didn't think I was undeserving of her help. I have a session scheduled for this Saturday. Thank you both for providing support - It feels good to know that you are both sitting with me.
  18. @BrightSide Thank you I usually journey several times a week. I'm not very good at expressing myself verbally, I usually read my journal to my therapist when I cant find words to express myself. I am hesitant to contact my therapist, I feel like I'm being a baby- I feel like I should be able to use the tools I've acquired and handle it myself. My therapist tells me to be careful with my shoulds- judging myself doesn't help. I'm hesitant to ask anything from anyone. I think it stems from my lack of self esteem. My father made sure I knew that I wasn't worth much; his ol
  19. THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING The 5th anniversary of my father's death has past and I survived. All of the doubts I had this past week about whether my father could ever hurt me - they were unsubstantiated. Last night while trying to go to sleep - flashes of abuse appeared in my head. I was small, maybe 5 or 6. I'm standing in front of his bed, he is directly behind me. He pushed my head down on the bed, he becomes frustrated because I'm not tall enough.. He picks me up and puts me on the bed. He has my knees bent under me as he pushes my head down to the bed to keep me from moving.
  20. @Sabbymo Welcome I've never experienced dizziness, but I believe we all handle the anxiety resulting from the abuse in our own way. We all find ways to protect ourselves from the horrible things that have happened to us. You are incredibly strong. You survived the abuse and had the courage to tell your friends and your sister, and your mother. I'm sorry that they didn't support you. I've never had the courage to tell anyone about the abuse until I was in therapy for several years. I still have not told anyone in my family of origin about any of the abuse.
  21. The abuse did not take away my ability to feel compassion. It didn't take away my ability to find my husband and have 3 amazing children. It didn't take away my ability to enjoy my family; if anything, it did the opposite - I was aware how precious our time together was, and I made sure I enjoyed the time we spent together. After losing my mother and being abused by my father; I made sure my children never questioned how much I loved them, I made sure they weren't afraid to talk to me about anything, and I made sure they were never afraid of me. Definitely something I never had.
  22. girlsnz


    Alice24601, I'm so sorry you are struggling with Memories. You are strong. You're sharing a part of your life that is extremely personal and that takes a lot of courage Ive told 6 people about my abuse. I shared details with 3 of the 6 and all 3 were therapist I didn't remember any of the abuse until I started having flashbacks. I haven't had a flashback for about 5 years. I still have nightmares but thank God I haven't had any flashbacks. They are terrifying. They are immobilizing. I would instantly be taken back in time in the middle of a horrific event. I would experience somethi
  23. Sexual abuse took away my childhood. It took away my ability to Express my emotions; took away my tears and my anger. It took away my ability to make decisions and to tell people that I disagree with them. I was so intent on making sure I met everyone else's needs that I lost myself in the process
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