I don’t expect anyone to read this.
About two years ago I realized I didn’t make it up.
The feeling can all at once and it was overwhelming. Terrifying. Horrifying. I was filthy, dirty, disgusting, used goods and completely ALONE. I couldn’t cope so I pushed it back down, but I couldn’t make it stop. It was always there. Dull-fever pain. You can live with it, but it makes your life miserable.
Back and forth. It resurges and I push it down. I get triggered and I ignore it, or I trigger myself and sit with the pain for hours. I had a box in my mind. A maybe-rape box. A box that I told myself I made up.
I joined AfterSilence yesterday and read some of the forums. I read stuff from 2004 and 2006. At times I gasped alone and jerked up in shock at how exactly I could relate. These people feel what I feel. I know they do. I know they do.
I got some courage and texted a hotline. The lady told me it probably didn’t happen and now I am questioning everything I had learned to accept. Two years of trying to make peace with it and now I don’t know what to believe.
Am I going crazy? Am I doing this to myself? Why would anyone do this to themselves? This is tourtue. I hate it. I would never choose this. Someone make it stop.