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Shefloats

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  1. I am so sorry for your pain and the abuse you’ve been through! I can definitely relate to spooking at every sound and always being in fight or flight, so you aren’t alone in that. Please know that we all care about you and hope you can find the healing and peace that you deserve. You aren’t the only one dealing with this and I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself grace. Just remember everything ends. Soon enough we’ll all be out of isolation and you’ll be back in the atmosphere you were used to. Just try it keep that in perspective. Until then, keep posting on here if it helps. Maybe it will do you good to vent. If not, that’s ok. Maybe try journaling. We are here to support you. Sending you peace and calm. Shefloats
  2. All last night I had the same dream, over and over. The man who abused me as a child suddenly got charged (by another one of his victims) and was going to trial and I was called to testify before an entire room full of people. One of the jury memebers was someone I knew. The judge kept asking me for details. The whole room was silent, listening to me and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even look up. I was so ashamed. I didn’t know how to tell them I had no evidence//that I couldn’t even remember. The judge wanted to know what he did and for how long. I knew what he did and sometimes during the dream (I had it repeatedly) I would be able to nod my head yes or no when asked these questions, but mostly I was just frozen. I had someone sitting next to me. I don’t know who. I couldn’t see his face, but he was a comforting presence to me. I would bury my head in his arm and when I could speak, I would mumble and he would repeat it louder for me. I felt so small. So small and helpless and stupid. I felt like an exhibit at the zoo with everyone watching me. I couldn’t tell them because I didn’t know and I felt like I didn’t belong there. Even if I did know how are you supposed to admit to these terrible things?
  3. Thank you for the support!!
  4. You have no idea how much this comment means to me. Thank you so much. It’s just good to hear someone else in the same situation. I just tell myself that all this pain had to come from somewhere. You can’t make these feelings up you know? And there’s really no other explanation for all these red flags in my childhood. Or maybe there is another explanation and i just don’t see it idk. The lady on the hotline seemed to see another explanation. She said for sure something happened but it could have been this or that or the other thing // but that’s not what my gut has been telling me all this time. I’m so sorry for ranting but my mind is overflowing. I can’t push it down anymore. You know?
  5. I do have some songs that trigger me. I block them out so completely that when they aren’t playing I won’t remember their names, tunes and sometimes will forget they exist altogether. But then as soon as one comes on I will completely panic. Like FREAK out! I get so uneasy and sick. I feel like the world is ending. I’d rather jump out a moving car then listen to another second of it. And these were the songs that were popular when I was 3-7. (When I think the abuse happened) is that what you mean by triggers adding to your “rape box” or am I misunderstanding? Just to be clear I have no memories with the songs.
  6. Thank you but I don’t know how you can believe me when I don’t even believe myself
  7. Thank you. I just don’t trust myself anymore. I mean this lady was supposed to be a professional. I feel like I don’t belong here. Like I don’t have a right. I’m a fraud. What if nothing happened to me after all? Then what’s all this pain been for? Why have I been like this my entire life? I know it might sound horrible but I am so jealous of people who can remember. Then at least I’d know something. Right now all I have is a million red flags from my childhood and a horrible sickness that drags me down. I have a right to know what happened to me. I want to know. I’m sorry for ranting. Maybe when I feel more comfortable I will write a post explaining why my mother and I think something happened.
  8. Hi! I’m sorry for what you have been through, but I hope that you can find support and peace. Please know that you are not alone and we are all here together.
  9. Shefloats

    Lily17

    Hi and welcome! I’m new too! I hope you will find this platform supportive and helpful. Feel free to reach out to me if you need to vent.
  10. Hi and welcome! I’m new here to and can I can definitely relate to parts of what you’re saying! You aren’t alone.
  11. I don’t expect anyone to read this. About two years ago I realized I didn’t make it up. The feeling can all at once and it was overwhelming. Terrifying. Horrifying. I was filthy, dirty, disgusting, used goods and completely ALONE. I couldn’t cope so I pushed it back down, but I couldn’t make it stop. It was always there. Dull-fever pain. You can live with it, but it makes your life miserable. Back and forth. It resurges and I push it down. I get triggered and I ignore it, or I trigger myself and sit with the pain for hours. I had a box in my mind. A maybe-rape box. A box that I told myself I made up. I joined AfterSilence yesterday and read some of the forums. I read stuff from 2004 and 2006. At times I gasped alone and jerked up in shock at how exactly I could relate. These people feel what I feel. I know they do. I know they do. I got some courage and texted a hotline. The lady told me it probably didn’t happen and now I am questioning everything I had learned to accept. Two years of trying to make peace with it and now I don’t know what to believe. Am I going crazy? Am I doing this to myself? Why would anyone do this to themselves? This is tourtue. I hate it. I would never choose this. Someone make it stop.
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