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Capulet

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Blog Comments posted by Capulet


  1. @Iheartcupcakes - that woman lives in so many of us here - it truly IS heartbreaking how many of us are that very same woman.  I am proud to call you my friend, too.  You're an amazingly strong force, Amy.  :throb: Thank you, friend, for holding my hand through this.

    @MzKeys75 - Thank you, dear....I never really thought of it that way - of being my own superhero that night - I can honestly say that in the moment, I felt the complete opposite of a superhero....I felt helpless and vulnerable enough that night to be able to see very little light at the end of that tunnel - but in hindsight, I do see how I did everything I needed to do in order to just arrive at the point where I could go to sleep and END the day.  I know a lot of mistakes were made that night, but even superheroes falter in judgement, decision-making, etc.  It took me a long time to forgive those missteps, and to realize that I did everything I thought I needed to do in order to survive.  I appreciate your words, very much!!!

    @2Siamese - I didn't know that about you!!!!  Bravo to you for working with the deaf and hard-of-hearing community.  Our community NEEDS more people like you, who can help raise awareness on this!!!!  I don't know too many deaf or hard-of-hearing folks who have been through SA/similar hardships but am SURE they exist.  Where there is lack of support, there is indeed increased silence. :(  We should definitely talk more on this, someday!

    Thank you all.  My heart is truly blessed to have my AS family.

    Love,
    Cap


  2. Thank you so much, @Amsekhmet - I have seen SO much growth in myself since coming back from a lengthy hiatus a couple years ago.  It truly helps me to have ingrained myself back into this community and to have the support of the folks here who have gotten to know me and who have always, even if unaware of it, motivated me and encouraged me to be a better version of myself.

    Not sure about bravery/courage - feeling a lot of mixed feelings about it all and it's hard to specifically pick those two out of the mix, but at the very least, I'm hoping to be brave enough to post the intro later. :)  

    Thanks again, sending huggles!

    - Cap


  3. @goldraindrops

    Thank you so much!!!!  Knowing that my friends are close by and are holding my hand through all of it (even if just mentally) truly does help this process.  All of it.  :throb:

    It makes perfect sense about the sleepless nights.  Thank you.  I needed that reminder!

    Although this weekend has been full of activity (nothing fun, sadly, my 'activity' consisted of some yard work and walking/jogging around a track near the house) I did manage to write up a little something - somewhat of a prologue/introduction of what is coming in three additional installments.  I'm just putting the finishing touches on that and will likely be posting it early next week.  My standing OCD is preventing me from posting it before I've read it over a hundred times - and until I've applied any and all necessary tweaks before doing so.  

    Man, telling your story isn't for the faint of heart!

    I AM tired, though.  I think sleep will be a little more forthcoming tonight.  My body hurts, but I have to blame that on the amount of mowing I did!

    Hoping your weekend is going well!! :)

    Love,
    Cap


  4. :lol:

    Thank you, AKB!!!!  The throat-punch on my behalf is very much appreciated.  She'll not see it coming, that's for sure.

    I agree, it's a transformation.  That's a good term to use for it. :)  It's been a gradual change all along, but I've finally reached a point in this process where the changes are more noticeable, and, at times, uncomfortable.  All part of the process, I suppose, but better now than never.  

    Sending hugs back!!  :throb:


  5. @goldraindrops - so right you are about things not always being what they seem.  I just wonder how others can sound so convincing. :)  I know for some of them, it IS genuine...and there's always a layer of sadness on Mother's Day.  I know this will eventually be a deeper sadness when my mother is no longer living...that'll be a different ball game, but I will jump that fence when I get to it.   I cannot help wishing I could be a part of that small percentage whose mothers did right by them.  Guess I can take comfort in knowing my kids are.

    @AKB - Mr. Hollis has some very, VERY wise words!  I appreciate your sharing them.  

    I was actually thinking of you this Mother's Day, given all the recent developments with your parents - and was sensing that you were also struggling.  I understand completely your decision to not have human children - but am glad you decided to be Mama to your fur-baby - Sasha's a very lucky girl! :)  Also agree wholeheartedly that my family here on AS has been a truly exceptional surrogate family, for you guys are who I can be most 'real' with!!!  I don't know what I'd do without you all!  

    Love to you both and thank you for your kind words. :throb:


  6. 3 minutes ago, Iheartcupcakes said:

    The other woman is the skank but not him? If he gets away from her he will find another. We all know that. Cheating is something inside the cheater and it has nothing to do with not being around one woman. If he wants to cheat, he will whenever, wherever. 

    I agree with you, 200%.  I don't know how everything's gonna play out between the two, but I know that for me - this is absolutely unforgivable.  But yes, he's a man-skank in my book, now. I also agree that cheaters very, VERY rarely change - he's already admitted to no longer being attracted to my sister (they were high-school sweethearts) and now that he's been fooling around elsewhere for a little while, it's looking like less of a 'mistake' (what he claims) and more of a desire to just not be with her anymore.  :shrug:  I just hope that if they DO decide to part ways, they remain civil for the sake of their daughter, who is not even 2 yet.

    19 minutes ago, Iheartcupcakes said:

    I am so sorry you have to put up with that. I am glad you stand your ground and protect yourself with that boundary. He doesn't deserve you or your peace. 

    Thank you!!!! :throb:  I want him to die with this on his conscience.  For me to go and say 'hello' to him would automatically make him think that things 'are cool' between us.  They're not, they never will be.  And I'm not in a position where I want to stand there and 'listen' to what ELSE he has to say, anything beyond the 'hello.'  I think I'm more likely to lose my shit and expedite his death process.  I don't look good in orange, so I'm sticking to these boundaries I've set for myself - and staying away. :)  

    I'll skip the 'hello' and say 'goodbye' when he's finally in a box.


  7. :throb:  School prep is going.  Registering for classes on 6/13. :)  Looking forward to it!!!!  Four months away!

    Thank you, sweet friend, for the kind words.  While little can be said about my mother, the mental image of snatching that wooden spoon and snapping it in half over my knee is a nice one.

    Sending you love and hugs, hoping things are going well for you this week!


  8. @goldraindrops - thank you, dear friend.  It means so much to hear that - I've heard it before but it's pretty easy to lose these positive affirmations once the doubts start to sink in.  It's been a wild week of me becoming used to the idea of life as I know it changing in the Fall.  Now, I'm trying to self-affirm that change isn't necessarily bad - it's just going to take some adjusting! :)  

    There's no turning back, now, though - the 'hold my place' fee has been paid. ;)  As stated somewhere else - onwards and forwards!  The only direction to go from here.  Thank you for your love and encouragement, friend.  :throb:

    @Angelbee - I will likely be messaging you at some point to ask how your experiences were while studying Social Work! :)  Thank you so much for your good thoughts and your well wishes - they mean a tremendous deal to me - and I appreciate hearing from you.  


  9. Bail money not needed.  :up:

    Thank you, though, @2Siamese - it's good to know that if I ever needed a get-me-outta-jail fundraiser, you're my girl! 

    My mother is not happy about overall not being able to sway me anymore - but I am at the point where I can no longer make certain others AND myself happy at the same time.  

    I went for it.  I got myself a Jeep!  New entry to follow, with a delayed update. 

    Hugs!
    Cap


  10. 2 hours ago, Healing4Life said:

    The other thing that strikes me about this post is how I can relate to keeping people at arm's length, then being surprised when they stay there even though I want them closer.  For instance, I recently lost my job (couldn't handle the PTSD symptoms at work) and the people I had worked with for nearly a decade don't speak to me anymore.  I didn't do anything wrong, I was just anxious.  Then it occurred to me that I made sure I didn't get too close to anyone.  They'll just hurt me.   Well, it worked.  They don't seem to care I'm gone.  

    YES!!  This is another thing that is very difficult to explain, but you've nailed it.  I am sorry this rings true for you, too. :(  It is NOT a nice feeling, AT ALL.

    If only there was a way to state this to others - "I want to keep you at arms' length, but I also want you to keep trying to get closer to me."  It seems...I don't know - almost as if it's a selfish, inconsiderate thing to ask, if we're being honest with ourselves.  So we don't, and we kind of hope others pick up the vibe on their own.  :shrug:  Not having a whole lot of luck with it, though - am seeing that the results are repetitive and if I expect something to change, I'm going to have to start shortening that arm!  

    Hope all is well for you - thank you for reading and for providing this valuable feedback!  I appreciate it greatly.

    Warmly,
    Capulet

     


  11. Thank you, dear @forestmistheather!!!  

    My counselor does not know me very well just yet.  But I think she might be onto something based on the one official visit I recently had with her - perhaps this assignment was presented to me as a way to prove that point that I VERY rarely I think about myself, my own future.  I have been sort of 'going with the flow' for as long as I can remember.  Others' happiness - most especially the happiness of my loved ones, take priority over my own.  It's always been a 'if you're happy, I'm happy' kind of thing with all of them. 

    You are correct, though, I do notice that it's way easier to consider where everyone around me will be in three years while I still  struggle with what I'll be doing for the rest of the week!  I will for sure give that alternative approach a shot...it will require a bit more soul searching but I know that eventually having more confidence (and to be without that automatically-guarded perspective) in deciding where I'll be in three years IS possible.

    Thank you for the luck and the feedback, it is greatly loved and appreciated. :hug:

    - Cap


  12. Thank you, @Kmkz - believe it or not, I didn't make the connection that this was DV, until earlier this year.  I've always been under the assumption that the 'violence' part always alluded to physical violence, to beatings at the hands of a family member.  The emotional, mental and verbal beatings were what I was so used to, those became a 'normal' occurrence.  I knew it wasn't right, it wasn't healthy, but accepted that it was his way of being the bully he is.  He would tell me, 'that's how I am.'  He would then turn around and do something nice for someone else, something that would make him out to be the 'nice guy' that we already knew he was not - definitely messes with the brain.  And while married, I didn't have the freedom to be around others, to experience what others' relationships were like.  

    I'm definitely wiser, now.  I'm glad it didn't take my kids very long to pick up on some of these things - there's still hope for them - and I don't believe for one second that my son will ever treat a woman the way his father treats his wives.  And I know that my daughter will NOT marry a man who exhibits the same bullyish traits as her father does.  In fact, I joked with the Son and told him that if he learned anything from his father, it's how NOT to be. :)


  13. Dear @rosedust,

    Thank you so much for reaching out!  While I'm so sorry to hear about your past and what you've been through at the hands of your father - and that you've had some similar reactions, it IS a small relief to know that I am truly not alone and that others have made the same type of mistakes.  I am so, very glad to hear that you've got a supportive husband!  He's right - you know...it does us no good to dwell on past mistakes - we cannot go back and correct them.  What is done is done.  We CAN, though, move forward with what we've learned from them and we CAN grow!  

    It's important to keep the lines of communication open with those who truly love us (despite some excess baggage) and to remind ourselves that we certainly DO deserve their kindness, their support and their affections.  We've had enough negativity - it's time to hold onto the healthy, the positive, everything that makes our hearts truly happy.  I know it's tricky because so much of that negativity was so deeply ingrained in us, some of it for years!  So it's not by a long shot easy to start believing that we deserve good things.  But we do, I'm convinced of it.

    Absolutely any and all feedback is loved and appreciated. :)  So, please, if anything else resonates, please don't be shy!  We're all trying to figure stuff out.  Plus, the company is great!

    Safe hugs, hoping you are having a great weekend.
    Cap

     


  14. 51 minutes ago, Redness said:

    Do you have a blog on here ?

    I do!  It's called A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate. :)

    Link here:  

    That will be the very first entry.  Blogs on here read from the most recent, so I found the first entry and sent you there - at the bottom of each entry, you'll then be able to read the next, and so on.  

    I love feedback, so would love to hear your thoughts! :)

    Hope your weekend is awesome. :)


  15. Hi, @Redness and congratulations on your first blog entry.  I, too, am a frequent blogger and find that it's the way I best share what is going on with me internally; I'm a deep thinker and sometimes it takes me a few days to process everything in order to spill it all out. :) 

    Anyway - I am so sorry that you've endured so much pain, suffering and overall ugliness in life.  There are a lot of not-so-nice things in mine, too - but you are SO, VERY right in that we are shaped by our experiences and grow stronger from them.  Without the negative, it becomes harder to see the positives.  

    It sounds like things are currently going well for you and I'm very glad to hear that. :)  I am beginning to make some changes in my life too and these are not easy - if they were, I likely would have made them years ago. But the most important thing to remember is not how long it's taken to regain control over our lives, but simply that we're doing it.

    Looking forward to getting to know you.

    Cap


  16. Hi, @Kmkz...

    It wasn't bad.  I have found that I am pretty much unspook-able when it comes to Haunted Hotels, but anxieties tend to mount whenever I am around a group of people.  

    However, it's on my list of things to 'fix.'  If a total fix isn't possible, at least a partial one is in order - I'm feeling that I've arrived at a point in my life where I am going to run into this problem on a more regular basis if I don't work toward building up my tolerance for group settings.

    Hope you're doing well!! :throb:
    Cap

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