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    Music, song writing and singing, photography, reading, history, friendships. Doing something today that my future self will thank me for.

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  1. Thank you @Hope321 - your kind words mean so much! I've always held that 'I'm OK mask' on, since I was a kid, but I knew I needed to speak up, be honest and say how I really felt to get the help I need. My voice has always been so quiet when I have tried using it with the doctors, and with each 'brush off', over so many years, it just made me smaller. This year has been a turning point though. It's all because I've been working through my past, rewriting my part in the story and feeling like I matter enough to ask for help and persist with it now. Breaking the silence certainly has a positive
  2. How did you feel the first time you were validated? From my own experience and so many others I know, the answer seems to be 'relieved'. Living with a truth you know to be real, all by yourself, can be lonely, tormenting, frustrating and confusing. Then you find a voice, risk using it and someone says, "I believe you". They then offer support you never thought you deserved or were entitled to, they validate your trauma and the aftermath you carry and offer the comfort you've craved for far too long. Your strange behaviours are finally understood and that relieves the pressure to perform in you
  3. I'm back after a challenging flight during my 'migration' journey from 'old me' to 'new me'. @Hope321 and @BrightSide - thank you for your Holiday Virtual Gifts! They were seen, hugely appreciated and have made me smile during a difficult few weeks. I've got a virtual gift for you both and will post them soon. I've got so many updates to share! Hope they'll explain why I've been invisible, and why I'm back here with my AS friends now. You've all been in my thoughts, hope you've all been ok. Festive wishes coming your way from a butterfly whose wings are feeling a little stronger. 

    1. BrightSide


      :butterfly: glad your doing OK, sending safe hugs if you would like friend :friends2:

    2. Hope321


      I’m glad you are doing okay! I have been thinking about you and want you to know you are very cared about. 

  4. I woke up this morning with the usual nest of 'bed head' hair plastered across a slightly puffy, 'pillow wrinkle' marked face that hasn't worn make-up for 10 months and had a revelation of sorts - and it relates to the fact that I couldn't give a flying shite that I continue to look like a bit of a mess throughout the day. What others see on the outside has never been a priority to me (or my husband...thankfully), and I certainly don't judge a book by its cover, but comments can hurt, cause/feed damage and be triggering when deep-seated, complex issues are involved. Those dreaded co
  5. Thanks @Capulet - I'm pleased it brought a smile to your face! I smiled and giggled when I read your kitchen account. 😉 Maybe your son and daughter are just risk assessing the food! 😄 That's what my brother always told my mum he was doing when we were at home in our teens. 😆 Thank you so much for your kind words about G - he really is a treasure and the complete contrast to the man who caused so much torment. And thank you for your congratulations! I'm enjoying the new role and it's going well. 'Alpha male' seems to have calmed down a lot thank goodness, but I think it may have som
  6. Triggers: the unwelcome hand that flips the switch on a time machine and forces you back to moments you crave to forget. I never thought I'd fully grasp the meaning of it all until this year when I started putting the puzzle pieces together. Many of my strange foibles and reactions to situations over the last three decades now sit in the 'bigger picture' perfectly when I look at my jigsaw as the final image takes shape, but plenty are still a mystery. Over many years, even through childhood, certain songs and genres of music set me off into a spiral of tears, grief and panic. For as long
  7. This is so well written @Hope321 - what an honest blog entry. I admire the way you cared for your daughter when she mention T... and through your sensitive persistence you found out what was bothering her. You talk about how all this triggered you and how it made you feel - I can understand why. Because of your experiences (and simply because of who you are as a good person) I can see how you'd be SuperMum when spotting signs, knowing your kids and keeping them safe... and that is indeed a superpower to be valued. I'm so sorry the Behaviour Specialist reacted the way she did - it sounds
  8. @Hope321 - thank you so much! You've validated the importance of that external change and how it reflects/symbolises what's felt inside. I love your words, they ring so true. I'm so pleased that you had that new haircut and style as you finished college! It's so lovely to read how it marked such an important beginning for you, and how your new 'do made you feel. I'm delighted too that you found that freedom through it as well. I wish you more positive shifts as you move forward on your path. Thanks so much again.
  9. @Hope321 - thank you for celebrating with me! Your words really mean a lot, thank you. I'm pleased the news of my GP has helped you - it's people like that who help restore your faith in humanity and give you hope when reaching out for help. I'm so sorry you've suffered too many betrayals from those you trusted, I understand how this can make it extremely difficult to trust others. Unfortunately there are some utter shite bags out there, but thankfully there are also good people with empathy who strive to help and support. It's about finding those supportive people (and discovering them by cha
  10. @Nedders - thank you so much for your encouraging words, and I gratefully accept all hands to hold... thank you. I'd like to offer to be here for you too (if ok) - this is a tough process isn't it, and your fellow survivors on here understand what it's like. The aftermath is so complex and multi-layered. I found something quite piongant the other day when preparing an article for work; it's in relation to mental health and the road we walk on while we're heading towards being in a better place. The piece I found included this quote: 'Every step we take may seem so small, but when we look back
  11. @Hope321 - I'm so pleased the words have been a help, and your words are beautifully put and so very apt: This speaks volumes and I'm so pleased you've added it to this post. Thank you! I offer you support and friendship whenever you might need it. Thanks so much again.
  12. Thank you @Capulet ! I have indeed enjoyed the hair-free dinners! 😉 While wearing my new bob, someone said, "Oh, you've lost your lovely long hair! What a shame!" So I stood as tall as I could and said, "Oh, just ignore the hair and focus on the fact my eyes are smiling, at last." I wanted to tell him to 'f**k off' but I thought a calmer response would be more appropriate. 😆
  13. Emotions are a tornado of unpredictable twists and gusts aren't they, and they're frightening when we've never allowed ourselves to be near them before. As these whirlwinds gather strength, they collect debris that swirls around us and occasionally whacks us round the head as we strive to keep our balance and avoid harm. Then the tornado passes leaving a flattened landscape, and we rebuild, add new, stronger reinforcements to the fresh structures that help us feel safe and wait for the next one. Emotions are fresh and unfamiliar when the 'I'm fine mask' doesn't fit any more, and it's tou
  14. Rocky... Rollercoaster... Recovery... so many words beginning with 'R', and some are easier to face and say out loud than others. On the phone this morning, while leaking from my knackered eyeballs like a burst water pipe, I just said a word beginning with 'R' to my GP. I can't believe I actually said it. He's been our family doctor since I was 10 and has watched me grow, shrink, struggle, adapt, cope, fall apart, mend, break again, come back stronger and then melt into puddles of new catastrophe over the years. My family and I are very thankful that he's the opposite of a shite do
  15. The mugs! Oh, those damn mugs. I'd very much like to sit and have coffees with you - and will be pleased to see those mugs of manipulation pushed back where you can't see them! Oompa sounds like hard work. I really hope you're feeling better after the awful ordeal you've been through, it's horrible feeling so crap and I hope you're contuing to mend. Sleep, food (and no guilt messages on mugs in your face every time you make a coffee!) are good medicine. It was good to read you're feeling a lot better and have more energy now. I do like the way you write. I'd very much like to read
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