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17 - I am not failing, I'm just trying to do too much


RubyRosie

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So, it's been a few days, almost a week really, since my last venting via blog.

I was feeling so much like I am failing my niece and nephew. Like the stress of all of this getting to me and why can't it just be like when they were little. When they were preschool age it was easy to motivate them. I had fuckin energy to spare. Wtf happened!?!

Just really judging the eff outta myself, ya know?

But, here's the thing... I'm not the same person I was back then, and neither are they. I have been getting down on myself for not being able to somehow replicate a whole team of teachers and support staff. Wtf RR? Do you hear how high your expectations for that are?? Like, somehow, by things not going as smooth as they would at school... that's me failing?

The kiddos literally have teachers, classroom aides, speech and occupational therapy specialists, one on one tutors to help with math and reading skills, and I'm over hear setting that bar so fuckin high and getting down on myself when shit falls apart.

Not to mention, PEERS. They have FRIENDS at school. Half the reason you don't act like a total jackass at school is because of peer pressure. You don't want to be whispered about. They stopped giving a damn what I think months ago. How am I supposed to compete with the power of potential embarrassment and fear of being gossipped about? I can't. Simple as that. I can't.

There's so much stuff about communication in class that gets missed with online learning. In person you can instantly tell that your students are just not paying attention. You can tell if two of them are fistfighting. You can tell if one of them is so distracted by something that they haven't heard a word you've said. Just so much stuff.

I'm sick of being screamed at. I'm sick of being ignored. We need help. I'm going to address stress management again with their teachers. Seriously, I didn't see all of these behavior problems coming. Just didn't see it. But literally if you take a kid outta their support system for half a year it makes sense that it's going to have an effect on them.

I'm done for now,

RR

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@RubyRosie - I would say that to cut yourself some slack is needed, but I think that we're all capable of being way too hard on ourselves, and I dare not be hypocritical! :)  

Just wanted to offer some support and check in.  How have you been doing these last few weeks?

- Cap

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Thank you for asking @Capulet. I appreciate it. Things have been very stressful. I've been having a horrible time sleeping, and the PTSD symptoms are awful. All I can say is thank goodness for people answering the crisis line when I call. It helps to remember that they volunteered for the job. I hate feeling like my mental health challenges are burdening people I love. I know how that sounds...but still, it's how I feel.

I've been writing a blog post about it but it's going slow. Maybe I'll finish it this weekend?

Again, thanks for asking,

RR

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