There is an ocean in my soul

It's not your fault your friends left you. Its not your fault your brother became addicted to drugs or that your dog passed away. I know you hung out with those two girls because you so badly wanted to be them, to walk in their shoes, to be a real girl. Your worth isn't based on what she thinks of you. Her deciding to be friends with the bullies or let her brother hit you with a stick was not okay. It doesnt matter if they were only playing, those things hurt and she didn't seem to care. But trust me, you are a real girl deep down, and there is an amazing group of women friends waiting for you down the road.

I'm gonna make a tally here for every time I feel good, calm, accomplished, positive, or okay.

For the last week, it has been five times. This is the fifth. I'm working at my pace, no one else's. I am enough. :]

So starting this month I've been on one dose of Wellbutrin right when I wake up and two doses four hours apart of Adderall, each per day. I've noticed I get really anxious and depressed if I am alone after my second dose wears off. Some nights almost suicidal. Two weeks ago over the weekend meds wore off and I got so anxious and hopeless that I self harmed for the first time in years. The next morning I had to have someone talk me out of committing suicide (as in, I was seriously considering it but I worded it to them that I was just triggered and tempted to self harm) and walk me through some grounding techniques. Then the next day in the evening I was feeling ignored by some friends and didn't wanna walk home alone, so I kept trying to hint that I couldn't walk home without someone to stop me from thinking some REALLY BAD thoughts when crossing over the bridge to my house. They were able to talk to me and calm me down (even when I wanted the two of them to tell me how much they hated me and wanted me to go away permanently).

My mood has been all over the place this last week. At least the last two days have been good. I got one exam  grade back Monday that I failed, two more exams on Tuesday that I failed. Wednesday morning I just did not want to see or be seen by anyone. I went to class anyway and got back the exam itself, but was too self conscious to ask for help from ANY of my classmates. I was feeling ignored again by the same friends and had to leave to go to my car and cry. But then once the friend that I am seeing casually messaged me and walked with me around campus, I felt better. They (singular) are still hung up over their ex (the other friend) so I understand them being in their own little world and not paying attention to me. I expressed to them my concerns and we were able to compromise. Their ex is also my roommate, so it's really hard to say if I am jealous of my roommate for having someone who loves her so strongly or if I'm jealous over my casual partner because I'm catching feelings for them.

My weekend is looking up. I didn't sleep much last night but I am still feeling the (platonic) love and affection from last night, which is enough for me. I have a lot of projects to do, but I actually feel confident I can do them compared to the weekend from two weeks ago. I hate being so dependant on my friends for love and affection, but I've been alone for such a long period of my life that I need constant reminders from my friends they appreciate me. I've always struggled with the fear my friends secretly hate me and are just tolerating my existence, but not when I am around my casual partner or some of my other friends. My fears have been assuaged more and more over the last month the more I talk about my feelings of paranoia, and people have been inviting me out more it seems. So that's nice. It's hard to say what effects from the meds have been helped, worsened, or have stayed the same. Like, they say "alert your doctor if you have suicidal thoughts." But I have always had them, and my PTSD and focus are so much better on these meds. It only gets that bad if I hyperfocus on my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness, which I have successfully avoided this week through friends and therapy.

(tw to myself: lies your mother told you, do not read unless in good place)

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So many times while i was living at home and I would get less than a B in a class my parents paid the tuition for, I would feel so awful. Because I keep wasting their tuition money. Because it's so stressful for them thinking about my future. Because my mother "turned down a job offer for you." They would never listen to me about my anxiety or adhd and would accuse me of making excuses. So many times I thought to myself "I'm a selfish, lazy piece of shit and I should just kill myself so my parents don't have to deal with my bullshit."

You are not alone
It was not your fault
You don't need to imagine those things anymore

You are worthy of love
People can be your friends, family
You don't need to torture yourself

Your sexual desirability does not define you

We were only kids you sicko. What makes you think that I wanted to do that? Did you do that to your sisters too? Does your wife know? Do your kids know? Why do you get to be happy and have kids while I'm here feeling disgusted by what you did. I screamed for you to get off of me as you drizzled spit on my face and kissed me forcefully. I can feel your body on mine and I go into convulsions, thrashing my neck and legs around, bumping my limbs together til they hurt. You made it out like it was a game, like you were my prince, like your penis getting erect was a magic trick. Who knows what you made me do to you.