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Where the waters do not curve.

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wolfennights

So starting this month I've been on one dose of Wellbutrin right when I wake up and two doses four hours apart of Adderall, each per day. I've noticed I get really anxious and depressed if I am alone after my second dose wears off. Some nights almost suicidal. Two weeks ago over the weekend meds wore off and I got so anxious and hopeless that I self harmed for the first time in years. The next morning I had to have someone talk me out of committing suicide (as in, I was seriously considering it but I worded it to them that I was just triggered and tempted to self harm) and walk me through some grounding techniques. Then the next day in the evening I was feeling ignored by some friends and didn't wanna walk home alone, so I kept trying to hint that I couldn't walk home without someone to stop me from thinking some REALLY BAD thoughts when crossing over the bridge to my house. They were able to talk to me and calm me down (even when I wanted the two of them to tell me how much they hated me and wanted me to go away permanently).

My mood has been all over the place this last week. At least the last two days have been good. I got one exam  grade back Monday that I failed, two more exams on Tuesday that I failed. Wednesday morning I just did not want to see or be seen by anyone. I went to class anyway and got back the exam itself, but was too self conscious to ask for help from ANY of my classmates. I was feeling ignored again by the same friends and had to leave to go to my car and cry. But then once the friend that I am seeing casually messaged me and walked with me around campus, I felt better. They (singular) are still hung up over their ex (the other friend) so I understand them being in their own little world and not paying attention to me. I expressed to them my concerns and we were able to compromise. Their ex is also my roommate, so it's really hard to say if I am jealous of my roommate for having someone who loves her so strongly or if I'm jealous over my casual partner because I'm catching feelings for them.

My weekend is looking up. I didn't sleep much last night but I am still feeling the (platonic) love and affection from last night, which is enough for me. I have a lot of projects to do, but I actually feel confident I can do them compared to the weekend from two weeks ago. I hate being so dependant on my friends for love and affection, but I've been alone for such a long period of my life that I need constant reminders from my friends they appreciate me. I've always struggled with the fear my friends secretly hate me and are just tolerating my existence, but not when I am around my casual partner or some of my other friends. My fears have been assuaged more and more over the last month the more I talk about my feelings of paranoia, and people have been inviting me out more it seems. So that's nice. It's hard to say what effects from the meds have been helped, worsened, or have stayed the same. Like, they say "alert your doctor if you have suicidal thoughts." But I have always had them, and my PTSD and focus are so much better on these meds. It only gets that bad if I hyperfocus on my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness, which I have successfully avoided this week through friends and therapy.

wolfennights
(tw to myself: graphic memory details of child on child sexual abuse, don't read unless you're in a good place)
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When my brother and I were young, we used to play with Barbies and makeup. I also used to cover my entire waist with a towel when stepping out of the shower and would pretend to be a princess when playing with this one kid, Tyler. One day, we were playing a game, and Tyler made me do things that I had repressed. The only thing I could remember for the longest time was him holding me down while spitting on my face and kissing me, and him exposing himself to me. I only recovered the memories of what happened afterwards last year and have had PTSD flashbacks from those memories since.
 
A couple years later, I asked my mother if it were possible the doctors were wrong and I had been born a girl. Around that timeframe my brother also came out as gay. When he was outed to me five years later at school, I started to unlearn my parents' homophobia and began to support him, but because I couldn't remember who hurt me (bc I thought it was him for what seemed the longest time) I denied the memories I had not repressed AND my trauma bc I wanted to support him.
 
Ten years later, my brother got back in touch with the guy, I remembered who he was AND started questioning my gender. My acceptance of my trans womanhood has also meant accepting my childhood trauma, and it has been really tough over the last two years. But at the same time, the last two years has been the most like myself I have ever felt.
 
I don't talk to my family like I use to. My dad says "you don't know what it's like losing a son." Mom: "Did you even ask if I wanted a daughter? You'll never know what it's really like to be a woman!" She also blamed my brother My brother, who was slapped by my mother after he came out: "Listen, man "girl," mom sacrificed everything for you! Go on and be a radical feminist, you prick!"
wolfennights

(tw to myself: lies your mother told you, do not read unless in good place)

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So many times while i was living at home and I would get less than a B in a class my parents paid the tuition for, I would feel so awful. Because I keep wasting their tuition money. Because it's so stressful for them thinking about my future. Because my mother "turned down a job offer for you." They would never listen to me about my anxiety or adhd and would accuse me of making excuses. So many times I thought to myself "I'm a selfish, lazy piece of shit and I should just kill myself so my parents don't have to deal with my bullshit."

wolfennights

(graphic) why me???

We were only kids you sicko. What makes you think that I wanted to do that? Did you do that to your sisters too? Does your wife know? Do your kids know? Why do you get to be happy and have kids while I'm here feeling disgusted by what you did. I screamed for you to get off of me as you drizzled spit on my face and kissed me forcefully. I can feel your body on mine and I go into convulsions, thrashing my neck and legs around, bumping my limbs together til they hurt. You made it out like it was a game, like you were my prince, like your penis getting erect was a magic trick. Who knows what you made me do to you.

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