loveable

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About loveable

  • Rank
    SA, CSA, INC and Rape Survivor

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    USA

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. You shouldn't have to deal with this Rapha. I'm so sorry
  2. I think I should change my name back to what I really am. "unloveable" 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. snmls

      snmls

      Me too Loveable. We all have and it doesn't make us crappy people or unloveable, it just makes us human.  Be kind to yourself. :hug:

    3. loveable

      loveable

      :hug: Thank you @snmls  :tear: I just feel extremely disappointed in myself. I mean things I did as a kid still replay over in my head...silly stupid things. Like I was over at my crushes house when I was a kid. His mom told me I needed to eat. I didn't and was hungry later and his younger brother and I we got a bag of chips down and were munching on them and she came in and snatched the bag away and we got scolded. I feel like maybe I should be able to laugh about it now, but I can't even now I feel humiliated over it and the look in her eye :cry: so when I really screw things up :sadang:

    4. snmls

      snmls

      I still feel humiliated over things I've done as a kid too.  I know it doesn't feel good to remember them or think about them.  But remember those memories and moments don't define you.  

  3. Feeling worthless. I don't know how to keep friends. I end up doing or saying something that pushed people away. :( 

    1. LuthienTinuviel

      LuthienTinuviel

      You aren't worthless <3 

  4. Hey wanted to thank you about yesterday. Hope thinks alright with you if you ever want to talk someone to listen am here

    1. loveable

      loveable

      Anytime and thank you, I appreciate that, same goes for you too.

  5. Hello LaSol3 and welcome to AS! I have found this a very therapeutic place where I can get my feelings out. I think you have to make at least 10 posts, or comment 10 times on others posts before you can access chat which is where I have made friends. It's nice to be able to talk to a community of people who actually understand. You are not alone! Sorry for the reasons that bring you here. I support your healing 100%!
  6. Welcome to AS BeesKnees Congrats on your precious little one! I can imagine how concerned you are for the safety of your child! Sending you lots of support! Here is a post that has many good articles on understanding the various reactions to CSA and I feel it may help you to understand what you are going through better and offer you support! Hope it helps you as much as it has helped me I support your healing 100%
  7. Welcome! Sorry for the reason that brings you here. I have found a lot of support here Lets do this! Lets heal!
  8. Bambi, Welcome! I support your healing 100% and thought these articles might assist you in finding comfort and bring peace to your heart! Sitting beside you in support And here are some gentle safe hugs, if you want them
  9. Welcome! I'm sorry for the reason that brings you here. I think you will find AS very supportive! I wish you peace of mind and healing for your heart
  10. I agree completely with QC! This was so beautifully put We can't do anything to change the past, all we can do is keep moving forward and let those things mold us into better people. Like my aunt once said...and still says to keep reminding me. "You don't hate your parents, You hate their actions, what they did and you have the perfect example of how not to be, so learn from it and don't treat others the way they treated you." I have a lot of regrets things that I did as a child but I am learning and in the process of forgiving myself because I recognize I was only a child who was reenacting learned behavior, I child can't possibly know and understand how the things they do as a child will affect them later on in life. I can relate to this very much. I find that my mind has "disquieting thoughts" and it is hard to sort out what I want to say to God. I find it helpful that I write my prayers down on paper. It gives me time to think about what I really want to say and convey...to open up my heart wide and just not hold anything back. If I try to pray silently I feel overwhelmed because there is a lot of pain and a lot of cussing in my head. I don't want to treat God disrespectfully so it helps to sort out my thoughts on paper. Then I can really open up and say the deepest things on my mind. lol....I use to hold back what I was really feeling and thinking even though I know God knows all our thoughts, so now I just let it out. It's got to the point that I can even talk about my strong feelings for someone. I mean God created us to feel those feelings, he wasn't embarrassed to create them, so why should I be embarrassed to talk about what it makes me want to do when I feel them?! lol I understand where you are at, I was there too with the foggy, shadowy memories. Your body and brain are trying to process what happened to you. Eventually it will come out and you will know and be able to differentiate between what is actual and what you perceived through the eyes of a child. I can think of a few things that happened to me that were scary in this... Once I was asleep and the deepest core of me screamed out RAPE ME! I felt so scared about this..why would I say that? It freaked me out at first. It made me panic. My mom once told me "You wouldn't have wanted me to stop the abuse" and "that is how little kids learn" after this weird screaming of "RAPE ME" internally I thought, maybe she was right...but then I realized to the deepest core of me, that is all I felt I deserved. It also took me back to an abuse where my cousin had me get on top of his sister, he had our vaginas lined up and he would stimulate me a little, then her, then me until he made me hold it in while giving her relief. I felt their sexual energy but he suppressed mine. Then to add insult to energy he literally slapped mine out of the way and went after his sister. It has caused me to have a complex. Any time I feel rejected by a guy I like it takes me back to this painful moment in time that just lingers inside of me. It's the worst pain ever to have to feel. I also had creepy night terrors where I felt like I was raping my mother. Finally the memory I suppressed came out the actual event that took place and made me feel this way. I felt like a rapist because of what my father made me do to my mother. He had me touch her, I didn't understand why and when I asked why he said, "Don't question me little girl! Just do what I say" "children are suppose to obey their parents" and since children are supposed to be obedient to their parents, I did..but I still wanted to understand it, so I took my other hand and touched myself there. It felt good and I couldn't get enough. I thought to myself, "Oh, daddy just wants me to make mommy feel good" When I learned later that this was wrong, I felt like a guilty rapist. I felt like my father had trained me to be a dirty rapist and I felt so angry. How can a father do such a thing to his child? To raise her in confusion and insanity. To twist the scriptures and tell me to do something God hates because I'm suppose to be obedient to my parents! WOW as incensed as I am about this I can only imagine how God felt seeing what was happening. I can only imagine how enraged he is. But I also know he is patient and kind and does not desire anyone to be destroyed and so I must strive to be like him and see how he is able to bring me justice and at the same time extend a loving helping hand to those who have brought me such pain. I leave it in God's hands! I am with you in the journey to let God turn us into something good. We can chose to let our past make us bitter, or we can snuggle up next to the great potter and let him mold us into something useful so we can continue to help others.
  11. 20151025-163408.jpg

    From the album unloveable

  12. Wire Wrapped Pendant

    From the album unloveable

  13. Pink Topaz Wire Wrapped Pendant

    From the album unloveable

    Thanks for letting me share my jewelry designs with you. I am thankful to have a craft that helps keep my mind off of the CSA and allows me to heal.This is a natural pink topaz stone that I wired wrapped using sterling silver wire and is not soldered, but a continuous piece of wire that was shaped by hand to encompass the stone to make it into a pendant.