kyukidojen

Moderator
  • Content count

    4,933
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About kyukidojen

  • Birthday December 26

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Midwest, USA
  • Interests
    Martial arts, photography, writing, art, wildlife rehabilitation

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Contact Methods

  • MSN
    kyukidojen@hotmail.com
  • Website URL
    http://jenn-livingproof.blogspot.com
  1. New

    Hi Charli! Welcome to AS! This is a great place to start your journey toward healing. The support and insight from other members can make a HUGE difference. You don't have to go through this alone anymore. I've been around awhile, and have seen so many close friendships develop. In fact, I met one of my very closest friends here. Take your time looking around, and post whenever you want or feel able. YOU are in control of your words - you get to decide exactly what you need or want to say, and when you say it, who you say it to... AS is all about regaining a sense of control and safety in life. I look forward to getting to know you.
  2. hi

    Hi @noctambulist. Welcome to After Silence (AS). When you are here, YOU get to decide what, when, how, where, and why you share things. Take it at your own pace. Look around, read, post where you want to. I can attest to the supportive, accepting nature of this community. You have taken the hugely brave first step of posting your first post. I look forward to seeing you around and getting to know you.
  3. @pahatfi, I am so sorry you were hurt. You didn't deserve that - nobody does. And as you are probably well aware, it can have life-long implications and effects. I'm also so sorry about your husband. 42 years is impressive - I'm just starting my 13th year. I can't imagine life without him. We're here for you. This is a strong community with open arms and big hearts. We all understand what it is to be violated. And many, many of us have our own experience with intensely personal grief following the death of someone very close to us. None of us have lived your exact life, obviously, but I think you'll be pleased with the amount of understanding you find here. Not to mention the compassion and support. Welcome to AS! I'm glad you found us. Looking forward to getting to know you.
  4. @powerlesstoy, welcome to AS. I'm so sorry you endured what you did. I understand the isolation. This site is a good community - we're all different but there's this common thread between us. People here are accepting and non-judgmental. The moderating team is involved - and we are all survivors ourselves. We're all trying to heal, and we're all at different stages. I hope you're able to find the sense of community and support that so many of us have found here.
  5. Hi @Sapphira. Welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry that you've been through sexual assault. Nobody deserves that kind of pain and trauma. I think you'll find AS to be a place of healing and support and community.
  6.  I just went on tonight because I couldn't sleep and I was thinking of you and wondering how things were lately. I'll be a pocket rider  for you today if you want. I'm sorry about your injury it sounds very painful. I hope you get the help you need to begin the healing. Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers if that's OK. Kevin

    1. kyukidojen

      kyukidojen

      Thank you Kevin.  It's great to hear from you.  The scan went fine.  Now it just has to go to another city to be read, and my doc will have the results Thursday morning.

      Things have been brutal lately, but I feel like I'm finally starting to dig my way out.  I'd be lost without God, that's for sure.  Praying for you my friend.

    2. splitperson3

      splitperson3

      Thanks a lot.  Glad to hear that things went ok today.  I am tired tonight but am having sleep troubles.  Too anxious and afraid.  I took some pills to calm me but they aren't working yet.  Hope the doc on Thursday has a plan for you.

      take gentle care, 

      kevin

  7. Welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad that you found us. I think you will find the lack of judgment refreshing and the encouragement and support will give you strength.
  8. @Scared1, It's great to have you back. I remember you well. You've always been so supportive of others, and you were so open about your own struggles. A really valuable member. I've missed seeing you around. I look forward to seeing more of you!
  9. Hi @chant2012. It's good to see you. I've often wondered how you're doing. There are lots of new faces here, but also some old-hats like myself. I think the big crash scared a lot of us. I know I was really reluctant for quite a while to post things, but I've gotten past that now. The support is just too valuable to pass up. And I love helping out around here, too. Be safe my friend.
  10. It's been a long long time but signed in to take a peek it's amazing how much has changed!  Hope life is treating you kindly 

    take gentle care 

    Kez

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Kez

      Kez

      The same here you have often crossed my mind when I was away from AS. I to am forever grateful to have found the site and for those who were here when I needed them and never let me down. You were and are one of the special ones from that time. 

    3. kyukidojen

      kyukidojen

      Aw, thank you Kez.  You are definitely one of the special ones for me, too.  We saw eachother through a lot.  I know I can never repay those who helped me.  All I can do is try to pay it forward by offering my help where ever I can.

       

    4. Kez

      Kez

      I feel the same. This site and its people kept me alive and not so scared and alone. Life has taken some crazy twists but now that I've signed back in I hope maybe I can offer help and support and maybe some humor like the old days but a bit stronger in this area of my life. 

       

      I will I'll be back soon for now this girl is curling up clicking on an audiobook and ready for friends tomorrow unless we get buried with snow overnight. When I get used to the site I will find the PM's and catch up a little bit with you, are their many of the old gang still hanging around? 

  11. Please only read if you are safe.  Possible triggers.

    Hi Jenn

    I hope these two weeks are ok for you.  I have been spiraling down for some time and yesterday I kinda lost it when my therapist told me that she needed to make our appointments only once each month.  I had just told her that I was feeling very hopeless about ever getting the healing I felt I need.  I know I'm whining but I feel like no one wants to help or maybe no one feels like they can help.  I'm such a mess and bouncing from one t to another feels like my inside part that is so negative is right...I am screwed up beyond fixing.  I have hurt myself a lot lately.  And the thoughts have gotten dark to where I never wanted to be again.  Nightmares both tonight and last night.  Looking out the eyes of being little and being hurt and not knowing what they were going to do next.  And then there is a pastor hat that I wear that has to be looking good for the season.  If people only knew...

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. splitperson3

      splitperson3

      Nightmare again losing my wife and daughter on subway and having young gang punks breaking into car of train and shooting me.  It was with blanks and they laughed at me when I recoiled in fear.  Ashamed and embarrassed that I froze in fear instead of fighting them.  "Be a man" one said.  

      Heart is pounding.  I hope I didn't yell and wake anyone up here.

    3. kyukidojen

      kyukidojen

      That's a horrible dream, Kevin.  I know the nightmare scene all too well.  I often dream that something is happening to Derek and I can't stop it; for whatever reason I'm unable to move to defend him. 

      You ARE a man, Kevin.  A courageous one.  Freezing up in your dream isn't something you need to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.  Dreams aren't reality.  I know that in real life, I would ALWAYS fight to the death to defend Derek or anyone else who was in danger.  My dreams don't know that.  I think the same thing is happening in your dreams - they aren't following what you would really do.

      Even if it WAS reality, recoiling in fear as someone very convincingly goes through the motions of shooting you, is certainly not evidence of cowardice.  Rather, it's evidence of humanity - we're not cut out to die.  We don't like it.  We want to avoid it. 

      I hope tomorrow goes well for you.  I'll be in your pocket, and thinking of and praying for you.

      Be safe.

    4. splitperson3
  12. Hi Jen.  I am not well.  Today I ran into a person from the past and the smile I got from them was the same smile that was there when I got hurt a lot.  I am ashamed and hate me so bad right now.   Sorry if this isn't supposed to be on here I don't know what to do.  I did call a hotline this afternoon.  I didn't even know that this person lived this close to me (1 hr away).  Or maybe they don't live there I don't know.  I feel sick

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. splitperson3

      splitperson3

      I made it therapy yesterday.  It was ok but we are still learning about trusting her still so when she asked about having the parts inside speak to her and when she asked if I wanted to get rid of the parts there was a huge reaction within.  Sigh...she is still learning and so are we. I hope you are doing well.  No more blood being coughed up so that is a relief.  Lots of dreams last night again.  Take care Jen

    3. kyukidojen

      kyukidojen

      I am glad you made it to therapy.  It's hard, building trust.  But it is work worth doing.  I am also glad there is no more blood being coughed up.  That's a scary symptom.

      I'm sorry about the dreams.  It's not fair that you have to deal with stuff even in your sleep.

      I'll be thinking of you and cheering you on.  I know you can continue to be amazing.

      Be safe my friend.

    4. splitperson3

      splitperson3

      Trigger Warning:  please read only if you are in an ok place.  I understand if you can't read or say anything right now.  I know you have your own hurts from your life and that it may be hard right now.

       

      More blood got me to go back to doctor for a ct scan and nodules were seen on right lung which appear benign.  Night before last several thousand dollars were wrung up on my debit card in fraud charges of phone purchases, airline and bus tickets, French wine and all kinds of other purchases by a person or people in the southern USA.  Fortunately my bank is covering the fraud.  It has happened a lot lately the bank said to me.  Went to therapy last afternoon and the part of me that controls inside, is very angry and is super critical of me came out.  I am so embarrassed and hopeless this night.  Just awoke from a dream of something bad that happened to me in real time when I was little and then in dream I hung myself at the church.  I hate me.  I really do feel bad about running to you again with this all but feel spinning out of control again.  I can't talk to my wife as she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't believe in inside parts of me.  Just pray, please, if it is ok with you.

  13. At this time, there is no specific moderator assigned to this section. But that does not mean we are not around to help you. If you have questions or concerns, you can feel free to comment here, post in the Help Desk section, or send a PM to one of the board moderators. Board moderators' names can be found by scrolling to the bottom of the page and clicking on the purple "Moderator" link. Thank you for being part of After Silence.
  14. Hi Darren. Welcome to AS. I hope you find as much support and healing here as I have found for myself. To be supported and understood is truly beautiful. Take your time getting to know us. There's no pressure to share anything you're not ready to share. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.
  15. Hi. i just saw that you are into martial arts, xo am I :) It took me awhile to be able to grapple cos i hate being touched but after nearly a year i love it. I do Kiado Ryu Martial arts with my 8 year old son. I have learnt so much about self defence and self discipline. I have just started teaching the new kids, mostly 5-7 year olds the basics and i love it.

    from Boop (Esther)