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About Goldeneye

  • Birthday 06/06/1993

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    Finance advice, hand fabrication, playing music, gaming, life

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  1. We were kids, you presented it as a game and I joined. We played it for years. You wanted to stopped, so we did. You wanted to start again years after stopping we did start again. We you, I discovered my body, I discovered what I'd like or hate to feel. I'd learn my limits. I thought it was a game and then I was use to it. You manipulated me in order to get what you wanted. Maybe you loved me more than a friend, but if so why didn't you respected me when I said no multiples time. Why did I gave you my body and why did I gave you pleasure ? Maybe cause I thought it would end faster... maybe cause I was use to it. You had my very first time, you had my first kiss, you had my first experiences. My mind still remember, you are still taking too much of my time. You are still in my dreams making them nightmares. You no longer touch or abuse me, but most of nights it's almost if it was still happening. I just don't get it. I just want it to stop. On the top of it, I even fear you sue me for what you did to me. It would just end me. I dont know if I could show to court to explain it was you that abused me. I don't think I could keep the promises I did stating I would never do something stupid to myself. I fear you. You have everything or almost related to sex. Please let me keep my life and the nice experiences I can have sometimes. Please go away, leave my mind, give me back my body. I feel like you still have it. Now, I can manage to ask my gf to stop and we stop. It's like small victories. But without you, I wouldn't need ask her if it's ok if we stop... I wouldn't have memories with you when we are trying to have pleasure together without you. Oh please, PLEASE.. go away and let me alone. I suffered enough for no reasons. I gave you my body for what 10 years ? 13 years ? I gave you my mind for another 10 years ? Now, I just can't take it anymore, leave me please leave me; and give me back my body and mind.
  2. Hello, I don't know where to start. Well, I think you are very solid, strong. First, I know how it is to be with someone like the Oompa. How many times I would twist my tongue to stay polite. So, you are good and I totally understand you want to stay in this home even with all the problems you have with it. It's sometimes hard, but keeping a good family relationships is, when possible, not a bad thing. We never know when we could need some help. For your school part, i won't talk for others, but it is an important part of your life. Where I come from, education is important and doing things we like is important too. Like I've been told, we need money to live, but it won't make you happy. So, I wish you the best to end school and to keep up with the nice grades you have. In order to work as soon as possible in your domain. I'm sure you'll be able to help plenty of people. For your home, after the reparations, if you still decide to check on Zillow and to buy another home, I might recommend you to get a qualified inspector to proceed an inspection and to provide you a report on the house. Which will help you to prevent buying a house that looks hunted due to all its hidden problems. I know how some houses can look like paradise and turns to be one hell place to live in. I wish things are getting better for you and I'm sorry for your cat. Sitting with you, if ok. Goldie
  3. Goldeneye

    I fear...

    @samantha2009 Thank you for your support and explanations. They are very appreciated. I know it's normal to collapse someway or a little to medium, but I fear the day, if it happens one day, that I could collapse and stop moving. I fear to paralyse, to be unable to get out of bed and to go to work. More I think about it, I think I fear to lose control over myself. Thank you again and I'll think about what you said. Goldie
  4. Alcohol and sadness is not a good idea. I feel I'm losing control to my emotions.... :cry:

  5. Goldeneye

    I fear...

    To collapse completely. I'm seen as a tank my my friends. They don't even know what happened during too many years... I always keep going forward, I aim and reach my objectives. During college I collapsed for the first time. I stopped college, but I kept going to school after. When I dropped, I reoriented myself. Anyways, I didn't like it. I never took a break to think, it was a continuous reflections. I ended working, went back to school and now working and studying to reach the last level of my job. Since I started writing it, I did an exam and I had 90%, so I finally reached it. But I fear to collage completely and to stop for the first time. I can't, I don't want, but it almost arrived just before we signed for the land we bought. No one noticed except my gf. I started to have flashbacks before sleeping, to do nightmares, I barely could sleep I would shake like a leaf on the morning or when touched, I would be always sad. It was a big nightmare. It took 4 months to come back to around 60-70% of how well I was before this. One day things were alright the other day I would see him and I'd go in hell. But I didn't collapse completely. I remember that time when I was being raped, but I was emotionless. It wouldn't impact at all on my mood, on my life... On my thoughts. I was that tank that my friends were and are seeing. Today, I'm fragile and I fear to collapse one day.
  6. I'm so excited to do my exam in an hour and a half. I feel sooo ready.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Goldeneye


      @samantha2009 and @fallenstar and others: I'm so proud of myself ! I received my grade and I had 90%. So, I'm no more an apprentice. :)


    3. fallenstar


      WOW 90% that is amazing!! Congrats to you!! Really glad you are proud of yourself for all the hard work you put in paying off 😊👏👏

    4. samantha2009


      @Goldeneye 🖤🌻 congrats friend! I am so happy for you 

  7. I'm here, somewhere, crawling in the dark of my mind.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Goldeneye


      Like yesterday evening, depressed. I had a few hours of happiness, thought.

    3. BrightSide


      Im sorry Goldeneye your feeling so low. Sitting with you if you like?, your not alone. B

    4. Goldeneye


      Thank you

  8. Hello Samantha, You may think you are just a shell and a burden... a ghost ! But it ain't the case. You are full of qualities, you have good memories hidden somewhere, trying to go over the bad ones. We see you as you are, even if you don't think you are seen. When we have long bad moments, we think it's all. But when sun's finally light our days, we may realise life doesn't just stop there. Never forget you are smart, beautiful, a good mother and wife. A super great friend, you are such a helpful one. You always have the good words. And you've et are a burden even if you think you are. You are too supportive to be it. Sorry if I haven't see your post before today. May I ghost with you ? Goldie
  9. I don't know why, but I'm worried of a good friend. She's not having good time and she underestimate herself. I hope she'll read this post and understand it's her. We started to chat on a question I asked her and we kept answering each other. We talk of everything and nothing. We talk of our days and sometimes of our problems. I think she's becoming to be on of my best friends in only a few weeks. It's weird.. sometimes I'm afraid it's a dream.. in all the friends I had, most of them are now only contacts. She's a great friend, a great mother and a great wife. She's comprehensive, she always have the good words and the tricks. She lacks of self-esteem. For me, she worth a lot since she's a friend... A best friend I should say. I told her things only my gf know... Not my family, not my friends. I trust her. But now I'm worried about her by her status, by her feelings. She's smart, kind, polite, intelligent, supportive, she have a nice personality, good music taste, interesting and more. What are the chances I found someone like her. I have other good friends, but I don't know, I never chat that much to someone. Edit: Well, looks like I over reacted... But I still think this of her.
  10. The first time I had some regardless of rape, it was with my gf. I wanted to wait to the marriage, but looks like it happened before. Our first time, I was cold as a rock and completely absent. I was in memories of r***. It took me some times to appreciate it a little. I'd say I ended addicted. I remember before losing my sex drive, it was almost annoying myself. If I would approach my gf and if she didn't wanted, I would m***** so it could clear the... need. I never wanted my gf to feel the need. So I hide to do it. When I met her, she thought it was the gf job to satisfy her boyfriend. I told her if she don't want, we would not have some. It's not suppose to feel as a job. I like to see the pleasure in her eyes. Now she know it's not a gf job. When I came back at my parents home, I worked a little, we were stopped by covid 19 and I saw him during the confinement. I started to have flashbacks, memories were and are back.. I sleep lot less. I remembered he'd touch me when I was gaming. Looks like I associated having an erection with this. Since, my sex drive is down. I came back at my gf home, so I could get better and I feel safer with her. I realised last week that my relation with sex changed. First I have no more or almost no more sex drive. Now I feel like loving and hating sex. I have problems with something I was appreciating a lot, chills out of sensual touches. Now, like a long time ago it triggers me a lot. It almost paralyse me. I try to get it better, but it doesn't seem to work well. There is a part of me that want sex and loves it and another part that hate it and doesn't want some. I think I started to use sex to hurt my feelings... I don't exactly know... Sometimes I don't want some, but I push myself, I love it, but it hurt some feelings. It's 6h14am, I haven't sleep yet and I just feel sad. I feel all mixed up. My life was go going so well before I went back there. I hate him. I don't want to give him my pleasures and my happiness, but I feel like I am... I feel like he own my body... It's a nice sunny morning with birds singing and I just feel like it's a dark and rainy morning. I.. I realise I ain't going well at all. I just want to cry in a dark corner, alone. I want to hide and to be seen. I think I'm broken again. I'll stop here I think I'm losing control on my mind. I'll save this and continue and publish it later. It's all mixed up. I'm all mixed up. Maybe I should erase this.
  11. Goldeneye

    April 2020

    Note to myself, new entry at top. 2020-04-28 I’ve sleep from around 1h30 am till 9am. A good night of sleep would be 10h and I know I didn’t sleep well cause I moved a lot and my blanket are all around. I remember a little of my dream. Today, I walked after diner with my mom and did nothing after oh a public chat and the nice chat with that good friend. The public chat went well, the first time since I’m using the new chat. I may not end chat mod, but I really want to help people in here. Today I feel like I don’t want to do anything. I almost went earlier to bed. But now it’s midnight minus 15 min and I’m not very tired. I think the good effect of seeing my gf is fading out. I’m, again, out of sexual desire, I barely can touch myself, I realise I actually almost feel nothing now. I’m just here, an empty bag. It doesn’t bother me since I feel nothing… or almost. 2020-04-27 I’ve sleep 14h, but I don’t feel that much rested. I walked with my mother during the afternoon and I felt good all day long. I watched tv after supper, a friend called and I had a nice chatting with a good friend since before I started here journal. She helps me a lot and she underestimate herself. I hope one day she’ll see herself like she is really. I went to sleep around midnight, it took around 1h or 1h30 min before I could fall asleep. 2020-04-26 I woke up afraid. I don’t remember what I dreamed of, but know I remember I tried to touch myself all over my body and I stopped when I realised it was still too hard. My boxers are like a line I can’t cross. After a certain time, I kicked myself out of bed so I could start my day. Thx I’ve done it; the feeling went away. I had 2 toasts as a breakfast and a coffee. After diner, I had a haircut and I look younger than yesterday. I found training weights in our house, so I used it. It was different than regular exercises, but it remembered me old souvenirs. I like the feeling after a workout and I like the shake I have. It’s not like the other one. That one is due to pushing my limits. 2020-04-25 Today there was a group chat on ‘’Self-Compassion & Forgiveness’’ and I thought it would be great if I’d join. I let a lot of place to others in these chats, because I think they need a lot more help than I do. I know I will continue to go forward. I never had a T. I’m still going forward even if sometimes, I have to admit, it’s hard. I joined it full of motivation and left at the end. I was, I am sad. I just want to cry and I don’t know why. Maybe I should of talk more of my own problems. I thought I had a problem if forgiveness. I just can’t forgive myself for now. It’s easier to forgive him than myself. Maybe because I have a high perspective of myself. I know I’m good, I know I have a great memories, I good at all I want to do. Maybe I ain’t the best, but I seriously don’t care. A lot of people have low self esteem, some have voices that say bad things on them. I have the opposite problem, I have high esteem of myself, that’s why I can’t understand I let that happen for that long. I knew I didn’t like it; I knew it was hurting me and it took years for me to make it stop. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t going well during a few months I would cry all night long to make it stop one day… A month or 2 before my 18 yo anniversary. I just want to cry. I just realise before forgiving my self I need to accept I wouldn’t probably be able to change how it went and I could not take any other decision. It’s just so hard to release the anger. Even more when I have a flashback and I totally lose control over things I loved. I have enough of shaking that much. It feel like I was so scared, like if it was so cold... It bothers me. 2020-04-24 I’ve sleep for long hours and I felt was more rested than the last days/weeks. I took a good coffee, we cleared e-documents we had forgot to do for the bank to send docs to the layer for the land. I lunched, I helped my mother to move boxes of tiles and I made a wrong move. I didn’t bend my knees enough so I hurt myself. I felt a very big pain when I bend, and I dropped a few inches. I don’t know if I’ll train today, it hurt. I noticed I have no more sexual desire. I only have some with her.. How, I don't know. TRIGGER WARNING, Descriptions 2020-04-23 This morning, I went to my gf home to pick her and to go to the bank to sign documents. It went well and we went back to her home where we lunched. We hugged and I was shaking, she noticed. After, we made 2 cappuccinos together and we cuddled. It was the first time in 5 weeks. Then we went a little farther and it went wrong. I had no sexual desire for a few weeks and I was with her, it as different. I told her it could be hard cause I tried to touch myself and my body denied my own touch... Normally, it would have been sweet, but not this time. I thought, after almost 9 years and let say 8y of going well that my body was mine and I had full control over it. But it looks like I'm back to our first time, but I'd say it was worst... A part of me wanted it and another was afraid and disgust. Plus, physically I had some pains they disappeared when I left. What's wrong... I was shaking even more like very much like even my teeth were knocking. She was touching me and when she'd do chills on me, I would have a big uncontrollable rejection reaction. I no more like them even from her. If I'd be too passionate, I would start to shake even more. It wasn't a good experience; I was saying sorry almost every 2mins. Or she'd say sorry for being use of doing chills. I had a moment where I was calm and could... But after a moment I started to shake and she told me a few times I could stop whenever I'd like. At a moment I stopped and told her she was right. Sometimes during it, I would look away and she would bring me back. I'm so lucky to have her understanding me and taking her time. If she didn't know, I don't know how I would have explained her why I wasn't able anymore. That's how s*x became one of my 2 favorite things to something, for the moment, I somehow dislike. I loved to do, more than others, this and driving a car with a Manuel transmission. My gf told me at the end that she doesn’t want I to keep bad memories of it. I don't know why I waited that long to stop even if I was no more comfortable. Maybe I hoped it could pass and I would enjoy like before. 2020-04-22 Today, I waked up during night and with my alarm clock, because I had an appointment with the bank. It well and took half the time. I tried to practice trumpet, but I as offset in my sound. I was getting grumpy so I said maybe this evening and same result… It’ll go to tomorrow. After, I went to do my jogging. It took 25min and I gave all I had to give. The feeling after is ahhh thank you my dear brain to produce endorphin. It relaxes me and send my on a nice little cloud. A good day, I needed it. I hope it’s a new start. If it just lasts a day, well. It better than nothing. 2020-04-21 Yesterday during night, I had a chat with a friend and it helped to sleep better and it helped me to relax. I was feeling light at the end. She gave some tricks because I don’t know how my gf will react to some new things. She’s very supportive, but I was afraid. She’s intelligent, helpful and kind. I slept again on the ground, but today (22nd), I’ll try to sleep in my bed. 2020-04-21 I went to sleep pretty early but after around 5 hours of ‘’sleep’’ I was waking up and now I’m here, I’ve done a weird dream or I might say a nightmare where I was bullied. It remembers me old unpleasant souvenirs. When I woke up, I opened my eyes like if I was already awake… I woke up at 4am….. I’m so tired, I’ll go for a round 2 When I went to sleep, it was like yesterday, Fixing the dark and nervous at sleeping. I feel like I’m prepared and waiting for something to happen. But this time almost no memories and no flashback. It’s now been a few days I’ve realise I have no more sex drive (libido), I’m a little afraid of it. It never happened before. I’m tired... My gf is afraid of how I am and asked to let her alone again in 2 days. She knows it almost happened long ago, just before she was my lovely half. I had the knife in the kitchen aiming myself, but something didn’t let me end this. Looks like a part of myself didn’t want to die. I afraid to make my family sad and how awful it would have been for my mother to find me in a blood bath. I won’t let her alone. I a little afraid to see her and to feel no sexual will. A lot of times, when we see each other after a long time it ends… but I’m afraid to tell her I feel nothing at the moment. That I feel nothing for her nor for anyone else. I don’t want her to be worried about me even if I never been like that, I never not slept for that long, I was very sad at night, not afraid and nervous… It finally took 3 rounds to have around 7h30min. I went on the floor to try to sleep better… Because when I lay on my bed on my side like I usually sleep, it remembers when something was happening and I keep focusing. It's like if my mind was waiting for something to happen. So, in going down, it still remembers me something, but I put a box in font of my face so well, nothing could be there and it relaxed me just enough to sleep for round 2-3. I feel bad, tired, triggered, ashamed, anxious, scared. It's just getting worst. The only good thing I don't have any headache. Today, I played trumpet I was fully relaxed finally. I was in my bubble, in my paradise. I thought I could sleep... At the moment I closed my eyes, I was getting nervous. To relaxed, I' trained and took a bath after. I felt so safe I almost felt asleep. I'm so fucked up these days. I can't continue like that for the rest of the time I'm here, but I don't know hat to do. I told my mother about the police car in the path I was walking she told me you shouldn't go there. I said it's legal and what could happen there ? I understand what she's saying, it could be dangerous. But it looks like I don't care even if I should and I want to go there at night it's like a need... TRIGGER WARNING Since I have no more sex desire, it's weird. I tried to touch my body like just to do some chills all over my body but I do a repulsive reaction. It's not pleasant at all. Like when my gf and I tried it for the first time. I'm no more comfortable with that type of touch anymore. It's like if I was going back, but with new side effects. I feel like I'm totally losing control over my own body. I sleep less and less, I have to sleep on the ground with a box in front of me, I'm almost always anxious, scared, I'm no more comfortable with chills, memories are back, I have no more sex desire, patience is low since I don't sleep much or sleep but feels like I didn't. I'm ashamed, I feel guilty of just letting the ''one last time'' continued for so many times, I just can't forgive myself, never. He was saying ''it's just a game'' and ''it'll stay between us'', I just want it to stop… 2020-04-20 Slept for what ? I don’t remember but I think it’s like 9h and a half, but I felt like my brain doesn’t sleep. When I go to sleep, I fixed the dark and it can last long time and when I close my eyes, my heart beat accelerate and I get nervous. It’s like if I was afraid of sleeping. I had memories wile fixing… I lost my patience wile playing trumpet both times, but I was able to calm down the 2nd time. Wile I was walking I dark path in a mix of forest and plain, a car went on it with a huge led spot, I went on the side and it was just a cop. He totally scared me. He stopped and said you are walking ? I said yes and he continued. I've extended my walk in the street of the suburb after to relax a little... 2020-04-19 Last night wasn’t what I was expecting. Well, I did get in bed at the time I wanted after a short trumpet practice. But it took an hour to fall asleep. I had those memories/flashbacks. I even remembered new things I’ve forgotten a long time ago. So, it took me about an hour to be able to relax enough to close sleep a few hours. I was awake just before 7am. I thought I’d sleep for like 10 hours or 10 hours and 30 minutes. I’m now exhausted and cannot sleep anymore. Last night I was distressed, afraid, sad, not safe, I was shaking, my headache came back, it was just a long nightmare. It took myself an hour to calm down. Now, it’s too early and I feel sick, sad. I don’t know why, but I can’t cry. It’s like if I couldn’t release some pressure. Trigger warning --) details Flashback/memories When I go to sleep, I normally fall at sleep on my left side. But it’s facing his home. He’s not exactly the neighbor of my neighbor. There is my neighbor, a street that forms a T with our and his house is facing our street. It’s like if the wall of my bedroom would no longer be there nor my neighbor's house. I'd just be sucked in his house and see what happened in there. From the beginning to the end. It happened there for so many times. Multiple times a week for a long time. It went progressively from my 5-6 yo to my 17 when I made it stopped. Most of my memories are when we were in his wardrobe and I was sucking him and I remember the taste and the smell because it wasn’t clean. Well, it was after… Sometimes he would push on my head and it would hit my throat and would miss air and I’d have to push back to breath. There’s another one he almost came in my mouth; he was saying don’t worry I’ll tell you. There was a weird contraction so I removed my head and it went on the wall… and I’ve cleaned it... Another one that comes a lot, we would play a videogame, ask me to do something for him and he would use this to touch me and to unclothe me. Then, he would want to do a ‘’69’’. Though, I was sucking he would just a little and I would do the hour of it. At the end, I was managing to be facing the tv so it would at least change my mind. I remember the feeling after having my mouth wide open for a long time, it was hurting my jaws. He hasn't the smaller one... I remember me coming back feeling dirty even after cleaning myself multiple times. There are other things I don’t want to type. Maybe another day I’ll be more comfortable. I see them a little differently each time because it happened too many times. I know I was saying no multiple times sometimes, but this it’s not in there. I feel so disgusted of myself how could I do this and why the $%?&* I'd clean his mess... I think I'm going to be sick because of it, but I ate nothing since 8pm... I can’t get out of my bedroom because I shake too much, I hope it’ll stop, I just don’t want to explain it to my parents again. I’m tied, I need sleep, but I can’t. I thought it would be a nice sunny weekend home but it is turning into hell. The worst is I've mostly forgive him, but I can't forgive myself. Rest of the day: Even if I didn’t sleep much, I had a good day when I calmed myself. Parents said I looked a little nervous, but I’ve managed to dodge. My patience was shorter when I practiced music, but I've managed it. I went to the mail, I cleaned the pool and I practice Trumpet songs, I try to remember the music sheet I don’t have with me and I practice long sounds, this relaxed me for a moment. This evening, around 9pm I went for a run/walk cause I had to relax… I cried on a park bench out of sight beside a road for bicycle and for walking people. It’s in the dark, far from the look… Perfect for me to cry in peace. I’m back and I just wonder if I’ll ssleep tonight. I took a decaf coffee before sleeping. I've sleep around 8 hours, I've trained my back. I've practice trumpet and I've supper. I almost lost a good friend, she missed understood something and I've practice trumpet. She (my trumpet) was sounding so well. I'm getting better, I'm happy about that and I took news of my good friend and and we reconciled. I took a coffee and I line up to go to sleep, hoping for a nice night of sleep, like yesterday would be great. 2020-04-18 Last night, I prayed Wishes to thank her for her support. I don’t know why but I almost forgot her. I read a message I sent to Winter where I was saying I just heard the news a few years ago. But I didn’t remember the news, so I wrote a pm to a good friend, Field8, she explained me what happened. I don’t understand why I don’t remember… I think that I shouldn’t have asked her, its maid her cry and if I knew, I’d prefer never know than the make her remember her lost friend. 2020-04-17 Yesterday, I had a big headache… Been a few days it’s there. The light was hurting my eyes and I started to feel my heart beat so I decided to go to bed earlier than the earlier I was aiming. I took 2 ibuprofens and I went to sleep. So, I went to sleep around 11pm and I woke up at 11h45 this morning. I as still tired, but lot better. I’ve diner some soup and my mother realised I was abnormally shaking. She was looking at the soup getting out of the spoon. So, I told her oh that’s my normal shaking (I normally shake more than average but doctor says it’s still normal). Sorry for this little lie, but I didn’t want questions. I didn’t notice this morning since it was lot less than the two days before. After I took coffee and I was at rabbit speed. The headache was back around 2pm. I’ve cleaned my library and my room and I’ve workout today. The feeling was good. After supper I did a jogging and I walked in the forest. I was a little stressed but nothing happened and the place have changed in the few years I haven’t been around. A branch almost ended in my eye that is still ok just at like 6’ from the road. I’ve got lucky on that one. I don’t to damage that eye since other one received a little piece of metal which has needed a doctor to remove it and I’ve lost a bit of my perfect vision on that one. So, my left eye compensates and glasses wouldn’t change anything. So, it’s been a good day and I think I’ll play trumpet with a mute to not wake up everyone before going to sleep. Maybe I’ll dream of playing my trumpet in a big band like I was doing it 9 or 10 years ago. Now that I think about it, the headache left after workout. 2020-04-16 I’m back at parents’ home for five weeks now. I haven’t seen my girl friend since almost a month and it’s hard. She’s my super hero. She helped to get out of this manipulated life to satisfy his pulsion and his needs. It’s been 8 years and 9 months that we are together and without her it’s harder when I have downs. I sleep better when I know she’s near me. It’s like if nothing bad could happen to me. Until about a week from now, it was almost like if I never been… But since a few days, I feel myself sinking in the darkness. I have this headache that leave when I take pills for my head but that is back the next day. When I joined AS, I could take 2-3 bottles to control my headaches per year. Now, it’s around one bottle. That one doesn’t want to leave and it get stronger and I start to feel my heartbeats in my head. It’s perfectly timed with my down… I think it's the fact that I'm here and their are plenty of memories/trigger for me in here. What made it start, that's a question I'd like to answer. Maybe because I saw him a few times. Who knows. The 14th, I had a flashback when I went to sleep. Yesterday, I waked up shaking like a dead leaf, but I had no flashback before sleeping last night. Today, I waked up weak and shaking like a dead leaf again. I was tired even after 8-9 hours of sleep. I had no motivation so I drag my feet to the bath and I’ve lay in it for a long moment. I’ve finally pushed myself to clean and to get out to do my day. I’ve diner after it and I’ve chat with Samantha. She’s very supportive and is a great friend. The kind I’d like to have irl. Because I don’t want my gf to handle it all alone, I look for other support. I don’t want to worry her. Knowing I should get better soon. My mother and I went outside and we walked for about an hour. After, I took my car for a 5 minutes drive since we are confined so I wont end with a dead battery or other surprises. When I was back, I listen to a little of music and after I tried to play trumpet. But I couldn’t cause I was too triggered and I could not focus on my music sheets or even on doing the good notes. So, I took a nap. I almost felt at sleep, but my alarm rang. It was almost supper time. I was no more shaking and I was more relax with my head less in pain. After supper, I’ve played trumpet and a friend called for advice so I gave him. A good friend suggested I could do a blog like a journal since it’s my gf’s laptop and I don’t want to let the logs in here. At least the new pass protection is better than in the old time. Years ago (I feel old buy saying this), it was easy to bypass. Thank you for the suggestion.
  12. Hello Mason, I'm Goldeneye/Goldie and it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry you had to go true this. Take your time, there's no stress, no hurry here. When you'll be ready, we will be here to listen and to support you. You are not alone, I too feared what my family would have said and fear what friends would say. Just remember it wasn't your fault and you are not alone. Take good care, Goldie
  13. He looks like a perfect husband. May you two be together for life.
  14. Thank you AS, with out you and your community I don't know if I would still be here or if I'd be able to continue. I owe you much. 


    1. samantha2009


      Thank you for being here 🖤

    2. snmls


      You are always welcome here and we are glad to have you as part of this community. 

    3. Goldeneye
  15. Goldeneye


    Sometimes, I wonder why did I go back there, I know I said I was use to it since it lasted around 10 years, but I knew I didn’t like it… I should of knew it would happen. Why would it been different than the day before? Why there’s a part of me that keep appreciating him ? He just used me. Did he knew what he was doing ? I love myself on a regular basis, but on that point, I hate myself and I’m far from forgiving myself. I was never drunk (except once but it was long after him, but I drank in his /$%?&* memories… Idiot I could be, I was sick as fuck that day, I don’t know if it was that or the sh*tty milk had turned and I just realised during my lunch). And I’ll never drink that much anymore. I never touched drug. So, I’ve done it being fully conscious on what I was doing but too idiot to stop before something broke in me or was it too late. I feel like if I would have been a junkie, knowing it was bad, but still going in case it would be different that time. Maybe I was liking if I was going there again and again… I'm sorry, I.. I... Maybe my mother was right long ago when asked multiple time if I was gay. I had to say I'd leave so she could stop, b but I love my gf but Idk maybe I'm just tired, but I stuck with these thoughts and I don't know how to manage them. It's like if I had pause for a few years and a train would hit and say do you remember me… ? Sorry s.. sorry I'd like to forgive myself but I don't know where to start. I'm scared, I'm exhausted and I thought I was out of it once and for all. Now I fall back exactly where I was. I realize that I still want a lot of it and that it eats my mind little by little. I lost faith in religion a long time ago, I only believe in myself and in a few people. Unfortunately, I am starting to lose faith in myself. I just know I lost my path and it's getting worst over time. I'm now losing things I thought I had recovered. Goldie
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