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    NE Iowa

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  1. Hi Bonatom, I have had both m and f perpetrators. The females are harder for me to talk about. Much harder. take care... Kevin
  2. Hi. Coming back on here because it's been a bad time for me.  I know sounds pathetic.  I would have hoped after all this time working on healing, I wouldn't have the nightmares, flashbacks, strong self hate and shame attacks.  I hope you are doing ok.  Take care my friend.


  3.  I just went on tonight because I couldn't sleep and I was thinking of you and wondering how things were lately. I'll be a pocket rider  for you today if you want. I'm sorry about your injury it sounds very painful. I hope you get the help you need to begin the healing. Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers if that's OK. Kevin

    1. kyukidojen


      Thank you Kevin.  It's great to hear from you.  The scan went fine.  Now it just has to go to another city to be read, and my doc will have the results Thursday morning.

      Things have been brutal lately, but I feel like I'm finally starting to dig my way out.  I'd be lost without God, that's for sure.  Praying for you my friend.

    2. splitperson3


      Thanks a lot.  Glad to hear that things went ok today.  I am tired tonight but am having sleep troubles.  Too anxious and afraid.  I took some pills to calm me but they aren't working yet.  Hope the doc on Thursday has a plan for you.

      take gentle care, 


  4. Hi Tyler,

    Do you remember me?  We talked a few years ago on AS.  I hope you are doing well.


  5. Hi Chantel,

    I don't know if you remember me but we spoke on here several times and I always appreciated your support.  I hope you are doing well.



  6. Please only read if you are safe.  Possible triggers.

    Hi Jenn

    I hope these two weeks are ok for you.  I have been spiraling down for some time and yesterday I kinda lost it when my therapist told me that she needed to make our appointments only once each month.  I had just told her that I was feeling very hopeless about ever getting the healing I felt I need.  I know I'm whining but I feel like no one wants to help or maybe no one feels like they can help.  I'm such a mess and bouncing from one t to another feels like my inside part that is so negative is right...I am screwed up beyond fixing.  I have hurt myself a lot lately.  And the thoughts have gotten dark to where I never wanted to be again.  Nightmares both tonight and last night.  Looking out the eyes of being little and being hurt and not knowing what they were going to do next.  And then there is a pastor hat that I wear that has to be looking good for the season.  If people only knew...

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. splitperson3


      Nightmare again losing my wife and daughter on subway and having young gang punks breaking into car of train and shooting me.  It was with blanks and they laughed at me when I recoiled in fear.  Ashamed and embarrassed that I froze in fear instead of fighting them.  "Be a man" one said.  

      Heart is pounding.  I hope I didn't yell and wake anyone up here.

    3. kyukidojen


      That's a horrible dream, Kevin.  I know the nightmare scene all too well.  I often dream that something is happening to Derek and I can't stop it; for whatever reason I'm unable to move to defend him. 

      You ARE a man, Kevin.  A courageous one.  Freezing up in your dream isn't something you need to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.  Dreams aren't reality.  I know that in real life, I would ALWAYS fight to the death to defend Derek or anyone else who was in danger.  My dreams don't know that.  I think the same thing is happening in your dreams - they aren't following what you would really do.

      Even if it WAS reality, recoiling in fear as someone very convincingly goes through the motions of shooting you, is certainly not evidence of cowardice.  Rather, it's evidence of humanity - we're not cut out to die.  We don't like it.  We want to avoid it. 

      I hope tomorrow goes well for you.  I'll be in your pocket, and thinking of and praying for you.

      Be safe.

    4. splitperson3
  7. Hi.  Long time since we talked.  I have done ok but am not doing well for the past year or so due to a number of things in my life including a death of a friend which was very unexpected.  Even though I know it's not exactly true, I feel in many ways that I have spiraled down back to square one.   How are things going for you my friend?  I hope you have a good couple of weeks during this season.


    1. sassmaster2000


      I read your message this morning but couldn't figure out how to get back to it. I'm completely unfamiliar with this new site. Is our thread private?

      I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you're not doing well. Praying for comfort as you grieve and heal.

      I'm doing pretty well. Still in therapy, which I desperately want to be over. T says I'm not there yet, so I keep going.

      Are you still in the same job?

      Blessings to you my friend.

    2. splitperson3


      Yes I am still here in Iowa and doing the same job.  I am not sure our thread is private as I've been gone from AS for a time.  Thanks for kind words and take care.

  8. Hi Jen.  I am not well.  Today I ran into a person from the past and the smile I got from them was the same smile that was there when I got hurt a lot.  I am ashamed and hate me so bad right now.   Sorry if this isn't supposed to be on here I don't know what to do.  I did call a hotline this afternoon.  I didn't even know that this person lived this close to me (1 hr away).  Or maybe they don't live there I don't know.  I feel sick

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. splitperson3


      I made it therapy yesterday.  It was ok but we are still learning about trusting her still so when she asked about having the parts inside speak to her and when she asked if I wanted to get rid of the parts there was a huge reaction within.  Sigh...she is still learning and so are we. I hope you are doing well.  No more blood being coughed up so that is a relief.  Lots of dreams last night again.  Take care Jen

    3. kyukidojen


      I am glad you made it to therapy.  It's hard, building trust.  But it is work worth doing.  I am also glad there is no more blood being coughed up.  That's a scary symptom.

      I'm sorry about the dreams.  It's not fair that you have to deal with stuff even in your sleep.

      I'll be thinking of you and cheering you on.  I know you can continue to be amazing.

      Be safe my friend.

    4. splitperson3


      Trigger Warning:  please read only if you are in an ok place.  I understand if you can't read or say anything right now.  I know you have your own hurts from your life and that it may be hard right now.


      More blood got me to go back to doctor for a ct scan and nodules were seen on right lung which appear benign.  Night before last several thousand dollars were wrung up on my debit card in fraud charges of phone purchases, airline and bus tickets, French wine and all kinds of other purchases by a person or people in the southern USA.  Fortunately my bank is covering the fraud.  It has happened a lot lately the bank said to me.  Went to therapy last afternoon and the part of me that controls inside, is very angry and is super critical of me came out.  I am so embarrassed and hopeless this night.  Just awoke from a dream of something bad that happened to me in real time when I was little and then in dream I hung myself at the church.  I hate me.  I really do feel bad about running to you again with this all but feel spinning out of control again.  I can't talk to my wife as she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't believe in inside parts of me.  Just pray, please, if it is ok with you.

  9. Hey there Kevin. I know birthdays can be a trigger for many survivors and I apologize. I have been debating whether or not to wish you a happy birthday because I didn't want to bring up a day that may trigger you... But, I felt it was rude if I didn't say anything. So, "Happy Birthday!!!" in the best way possible. I hope you did something good for yourself today! Sometimes on anniversary days, we have to make good memories in place of the bad ones and let those...

    1. chant2012



      ...define the 'bad/triggery' days. I hope this is not offensive. Blessings, love, prayers, and support to you! :)

      Much love and support, your friend, Chantel ♥

  10. Yes I would be interested and would hope that it worked out for me to be involved. Thanks for the idea!
  11. Welcome to After Silence Tina. There are alot of good people here. I hope you find what you are looking for in here. Feel free to share as you feel able to share. Take care...Kevin
  12. splitperson3


    Its sad that the one for my area in Decorah, IA is "Services for Abused Women and Their Children". Just saying...
  13. Welcome... I am a guy too, 52, and I hope you find some healing here. There are alot of very supportive folks here. take care, Kevin
  14. Welcome to AS Sam. I hope you find support and healing here. Kevin
  15. Welcome to AS. There are many fine folks of all ages here. Feel free to share more as you may wish. I hope you find your healing. Kevin
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