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I've had.. A weird week. I guess. I don't know. I feel void again. Everything is numb. I've been fighting with my boyfriend, on and off. I can't seem to get along with my dad. He constantly makes me feel guilty, or like I'm not good enough. He throws around "rape" in conversations as if it's something funny, or something that is okay to talk about. It isn't. My mother and I are distant.. I've been staying at my sister's home for almost a week. She's having problems with her soon to be ex-husband
I wrote this poem after spending an afternoon in the great outdoors. Something I never do anymore, I always feel there are too many eyes watching me. Still, it is one of my favorites out of all I have written, so I hope you enjoy! Beauty Natures greatest beauty, lies in that which is old. Barren rocks in red clay soil reflects with rays of gold. The dawn and set of the sun, will tell you when the day has begun and is done. Far away from human plight, safely here I spend the night. The waters
Another poem from my dark ages. I don't think this one particularly triggering, more observational. Hallways I walk through this dark hallway Its stones are wrought of truth. Though I walk this path with passion I've found not yet the proof That this is indeed a token of all that lies ahead. The world in barren question when all of us are dead. I walk through this bright hallway, The glare it hides the facts. The truth of generations written by the chaos. This law of nature's sale, Man i
Hi, I have come public about wha thas happened to me when I was little, i didnt mention who it was but, now people know! Unfortunately, my moms response was " that was the dimbest thing you ever did, I hope now you can be happy etc..." I now find myself angry but Im not sure at what, I have dreams of me being chased all the time now, I wake upi screaming and in cold sweats and all this sine I came out.... I now think that maybe it wasnt a good idea, it seamed to be a good one that day and I felt
Skye here. One of Copper's alters. I know the rules. Time to post. Major cussing in this one, and talk about suicide. Be careful. Oh, Dad, you are so on my shit list right now. Somehow Copper activated one of the nastier lines of code that you laid into this head. Not sure how she managed it, but the body tried to stop fucking breathing. I already knew there was at least one suicide clause in that fucked up mess on the green screen. How many of those fucking things am I gonna have to disa
A happy post for once! I was so worried about being home alone for so long, and here it turned out to be the best few weeks I've had in a while! My friends have been by my side through the whole thing, never letting me suffer in the silence. I am also VERY thankful for those of you who sent thoughts/prayers and sat with me!! I still have to do this again in December, but I have so much more confidence and less anxiety about it. Tonight is such a dreadful night. The wind is blowing so hard the
Now, I know this is unusual, but for once it's Copper blogging. Skye kindly agreed to let me use a bit of her space to clear some things up...even if it only really applies to us. After Silence TOS says that alters are not supposed to post on the boards. Some flexibility is allowed; obviously the DID thread is gonna have the occasional post from an alter. Same goes for some of the threads in Therapy Discussion forum. So I'm gonna lay out a few lines specifically for our system. (And I'm doi
So the past few days have been a little crazy but overall I've been "safer" than in the days/weeks previous to these. Friday I had an okay therapy session (by okay I mean I didn't cry and she didn't suggest I go to "respite"). We made a written plan for when I am triggered. I put it on the last page of my notebook (that i ALWAYS have with me), so I know where it is when needed. I was able to look her in the eye too. I really concentrated on it-- I told her I'm trying to do that. I think it's im
This week was a bad, the worst one I have had since the memories started to return. I survived it with few new scars, but only because AS was here, I made a post about my father and his blog, and what he published about me. A full page of fictional material created to sublimate my life into something more comfortable for him I guess. Either way, it hurt more that he refused to validate my existence, my story, my trauma, and turned it into something that vilified me and made HIM the victim. I had
:blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: I drank. I smoked. I sucked a friend off, he returned the favor. I really appreciate that especially since he's straight. And now I have to wear long sleeves. I never had to wear long sleeves before other than weather. I defiled my arm with an ink pen. My friend watched me do this. he's a bit of a sociopath and hurting myself kind of tur
I am so stressed right now - I've been offered an interview for a full time position, but firstly being under fitness to practise, I don't know if I could take on this position. Secondly, it's a full time position, and I really wanted part time as I don't know if I could cope with full time, plus it would mean that all my support that I've been putting in placewould disappear overnight since it's all Mon-Fri 9-5. I have 3 lots of counselling (though one hasn't started yet and one is due to fin
I'm scared and annoyed today. Scared because I went to a fitness to practise hearing with my friend, and as nice as everyone was, that was a very serious very harsh process, that could easily result in her not only not being allowed to become a nurse ever again, but also being stuck off from many other professions. I have to face one of these hearings next year, and I really don't want to. I'm annoyed because my counsellor yet again just doesn't seem to be listening to me. I've already told
This is a short I wrote while having a very rough time of it. They had put me on the overnight shift at work, and the lack of human contact followed by the nervousness when there was a customer, put my little heart and mind through the ringer. This is the best description of the meloncholy madness I have ever been able to put into words. That sick feeling is starting in my gut again. The greasy, oozy discontent that opens the floodgates of self-doubt, contempt, and loathing. My attempts to halt
This is Skye, one of Copper's adult alters, though we prefer the word "Insider". I know the rules. I will adhere to them. And yes, Copper is present to make sure I behave. (Damn it!) Enough disclaimer. I've got a post to write. Dear Dad, You are a real piece of work. I could write whole books on the quiet cruelty, the million ways you made me feel like I was as useless as gum stuck to a subway platform. I could talk about how you made feel like I was losing my mind, making mountains out
Hi guys, I don't have anything creative from my high school angsty days to put up today. Rather re-reading those poems has brought about a bit of a painful revelation. I'm NOT alright. I'm not crazy, or broken, suicidal... I don't know what I am. I can't identify any emotion in myself at all. My wife says this isn't how she feels ever, she knows if she is happy, content, sad, angry, vulnerable, hurt etc.... I don't have a clue how to define what or how I am feeling from one moment to the next. U
I feel people can only love and tolerate one "version of me". The Lady Boss. The happy, supportive, random/spontaneous, quick, straight-forward girl that will tell you what's up. The girl who appears in control, confident and quite dominant. The girl many men feel threatened by and others chase after because they can't have her. You know this girl with the tucker mouth, but who is insanely intuitive, intelligent, nerdy, with a loud laugh seeming like a cackling hyena. She's not afraid of anythin
Today has been a day of mixed...everything... but especially emotions. All last night I woke up gasping for air, or feeling like I was still being held down so I'd wake screaming. I remember when I was a kid they told me "You just have a vivid imagination." but in reality, I think the bogeyman I feared was more than just a dream... especially considering the memories that have been bombarding me lately. I've tried different things to help... no TV before bed, less (almost no) caffeine, prayer,
I hate panic, really hate it. You know what, today I had such a positive day planned (not that it wasn't). I had an appointment with a company to enrol on a programme to help me back to work, a chat with a lady from the local mental health charity about voluntary work, and another chat with a person about accessing work as well. Yet on all three, I started to get panicked, and wanted to cry. I don't understand it. It's not like any of them were remotely threatening - they were all lovely.
This is a short character sketch I did few months ago when I was feeling very triggered. It unfortunately paints a pretty accurate picture of my time as a teenager. The character's name is Amalya, and she has developed into someone that seems quite a bit like myself. So here goes a little personal vulnerability in prose. She woke in a panic during the night. Adrenaline pulled her violently to her upright even as her eyes were opening. Darkness met her gaze as she stood poised on the balls
I'm 22 years old- that may be about the only thing everyone I know can agree on- that 22 years ago I was born. My name is a complicated matter because I have chosen to go by first and middle and try to ignore my last name altogether. Here I request you call me Story at least for now. My name on After Silence comes from my belief that our stories, unleashed upon the world can change it. There is a reason we've all be told "Do not tell." "Do not share". "No One Will believe you". Because our stori
Today I'm exhausted. I can't keep my eyes open. Fatigue is killing me again, what's with this damn thing. I made some phone calls about uni stuff and did some reading about it. I also went to the Chaplaincy which was nice, and was helpped by someone there to find all the relevant regulations and documents. It seems from someone I spoke to that I may have a case under disability discrimination law. But I'm not sure whether I'd want to go down this route or not, it seems a little heavy hande
Shadows thicken, darken deep- Writhing, twisting, turning, burning. Striving deeper inside my mind, my tired soul responds in kind. Shadows thicken, darken deep- phantom shapes, I do retreat. They follow, flowing past my grasp, like water from a broken glass. Things which might have been are lost inside my mind. Those chances gone for all of time. Shadows thicken, darken deep- torturing my spirit. I lash out, to no avail I see now that I shall fail. Shadows thicken, darken deep- Phantom shadows
