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I Hate Me Right Now

vakry

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I drank. I smoked. I sucked a friend off, he returned the favor. I really appreciate that especially since he's straight. And now I have to wear long sleeves. I never had to wear long sleeves before other than weather. I defiled my arm with an ink pen. My friend watched me do this. he's a bit of a sociopath and hurting myself kind of turns me on too. My day is complete.



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I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time vakry. We all slip up sometimes, it happens. The way I see it is that tomorrow is a whole new day. Forgive yourself and try again.

Please try and look after yourself!

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Oh and before the pen I was playing with a lighter too. He's a pyro as well so.... I told someone not him or anyone I've fucked.. I forget what exactly.... something about my drinking... not that I was just that I am an alcoholic and slipping... this was before all the above. And of course they aren't so they don't get it, but told me to try to keep it to a minimal. It is rare I can stop at one! And if I do stop at one it causes the urge to start drinking again.... yeah I can curve it maybe to one that night, but the rest of the next day... and so on I think about it. I want it. I crave it. So, drinking just one isn't healthy for me. It's a disease. Then they went on and on about how they rarely drink in detail. Hey, asshole... um way to make me feel more like shit. And want to drink more! Such the wrong person to come out of the alcoholic closet to. Not that I ever been in that closet. I try to minimize this and hide to the extent it is a problem... but I've been pretty open about the alcohol thing... it's because it takes focus off other issues. People always expect me to have this dark secret. And unless they damned special I ain't telling them shit about what skeletons are really in my closet. So... I tell them the lesser and more obvious stuff so they think that's really all there is to it. I am so fucked up. The only good part is I can pick what I reveal. Someone need to know something to get off my back about my issues I drag up something from my murky depths of my black heart to either scare them away or get them thinking that's my deepest darkest secret. Please. That's barely scratching the service. Like my pitiful pen marks on my arm. My fucking poser marks. I can't commit to anything. Ya this might be the only time you hear of me actually defiling my arms. I'm sooo not going into detail about my SSI... I think you get enough of an idea anyway. Surprisingly I didn't do that. I have been expecting since that post to really work that one over hard. But.... no. My drinking, my smoking, my slutfest and pitiful non-commital form of SI appears. I am so in a nasty mood. Ignore me. I'm talking out my ass.

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