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    Montreal, Quebec
  • Interests
    Meditation, kung-fu, yoga, reading.

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  1. I Broke The Silence , Now What ?

    Hi, I have come public about wha thas happened to me when I was little, i didnt mention who it was but, now people know! Unfortunately, my moms response was " that was the dimbest thing you ever did, I hope now you can be happy etc..." I now find myself angry but Im not sure at what, I have dreams of me being chased all the time now, I wake upi screaming and in cold sweats and all this sine I came out.... I now think that maybe it wasnt a good idea, it seamed to be a good one that day and I felt relieved but now, I m not sure anymore. Its as if I have created my past all over again, I think about it allot more then before and its affecting me, me as who I use to know does not exist anymore, who am I ? I dont even know anymore so, my question remains..... WHAT NOW? Kung fu
  2. Newbie

    I believe you have found the right place... Welcome
  3. I Am New And Think I Am Ready To Begin Posting

    Hello Ancestreel, congratulations on making the step to speak... I want you to know that you are not alone. I too have been molested and I am still trying to figure out if I was raped even... I m still not sure about that one since its all very confusing in my mind because I was so small. I do thank God for this site, it made me realize amongst many other things, that I am not alone and I hope that it will do the same for you. So whenever you feel the need you are ready to share your story, we are here to listen and support you . God bless xxxx KungFu
  4. Destroying Myself

    Hi Hayatee, how are you today sweetheart? I hope you are doing better and better each day... just remember, when we hit the bottom, there is only one place to do and, that's UP Take care, Ana

  6. Destroying Myself

    Sweetheart, I don't know what happened to you and it really doesn't matter but, I'm sure that no one deserves to treat themselves like this. You are in this world for a reason as we all are ! Yes, while we are here we will suffer some more then others but, it doesn't change the fact that we are still alive therefor we have the right to have a full and happy life regardless of what others have tried to take away from us... you need to love yourself first and foremost, you are what is important not your therapist and what she might think of you. You are not a waste of time, this is what she studied for and if she is as good as therapist as you say she is, she will be glad with the fact that regardless of everything else, you take the time to go see her, even if its to be in silence. Maybe you should start writing down what you want to say and give it to her for her to read, maybe you don't have the words to say out loud and its easier to write, just try to get what you feel out there to her so that even if you don't speak she knows what is going on with you and in your heart. You have to look in the mirror and give yourself credit, you have survived, you are in control of what happens to your life from now on. Nothing that you do to yourself will take away what you feel, you can drink, take pills even try to slice away the pain, but it will always come back until you LOVE yourself enough to take the help you need and take charge of your life... I tell myself all the time, maybe what happened to me is part of the reason why I am here, maybe it had to happen to me so that I could help others, make your life count, make a difference with your experience, turn such an UGLY thing into a positive aspect of your life. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you will find peace and love yourself again. YOU ARE NOT ALONE !
  7. I Want To Find Peace.

    Its been a long time since someone molested me last, I was 16 years, the last time I woke up with him touching me. Just writing this down makes me nauseous. As far back as I can remember I was always molested by someone in my family, I really don't remember the first time it happened and who it was so, it makes me sick to think that I could have been 3,4,5,6 years old when they first started touching me and I don't know. I remember one of my brothers the first time he touch me, I was probably 7 years old or less, I really don't remember, its like my past comes to me in bits and pieces. Anyway, I didn't feel right about it but he told me that he touched me like that before he loved me more then my other brothers and that what brothers and sisters do when they love each other but, not to tell anyone or my mom would get mad that he preferred me over my sister so, being a KID I felt special and never told anyone. As I got older, he touched me more and made me touch him which I hated. Since this to me was a "NORMAL" thing kids do when they love each other, I let one of my other brothers touch me as well and didn't tell no one and, after that it was a cousin ( male) and then 3 female cousins after that. At one point they were all molesting me at the same time in my life and I never told anyone, to me even though I didn't like it, a little attention was better then no attention at all "that's what I thought" until, I started high school and started talking to a friend about boy friends etc.. she told me that her brother molested her and she couldn't deal with it...without telling her, I realized that what my brother and cousins were doing to me was not ok, its not because I was special.... I started avoiding my cousins with success but, I couldn't avoid my brother, I remember being 13years old and him making it a game of catch to take me to his room, I was so mad and afraid at the same time that he would catch but, all he did was laugh and say "I'm going to catch you" as if it was an innocent game of hide and seek. I remember hating my mom for not being there and my sister for ignore me as I screamed for him to leave me alone, I felt so alone, thank god for my grandma, I would hide in her room because I knew it was a place no one would go into, I would go there whenever I could but she would lock her door when she would go out so I was stuck again running from him, I even hide in the attic at times...I remember being so afraid of the dark but I would rather be there then to let him catch me. Today, I am a grown woman with allot of anxiety issues, I have to take medications to be able to do my day to day life and the worst thing is that I still see him, he comes over to my house and my moms house. This year, he asked me to forgive him for what he did, and he told me he would never forgive himself for it. I think I forgave him a long time ago because when I think of him or see him, I feel nothing but petty, he is a miserable person and an alcoholic, he has lost his wife and kids and has slept in junk yards and park benches, he is receiving all that he planted years ago. So, I don't hate him but, what he and the others did to me has scared me so deep that it affects my life in every level. I don't trust anyone, I always think that if a man is being nice to me he wants something in return, I cant stop in one job, every time I find a job that I like I manage to lose it "ALWAYS!!" sometimes I think that subconsciously I don't think I deserve anything good, that's why I manage to always lose what I love, I drive people away because of how controlling I am. I want to stop this, I want to be "NORMAL" and most of all I want to find PEACE.
  8. I Thought It Was Over...

    Hello everyone, Its been 20 years since I was sexually abused and rapped by several people. The thing is, I thought that it was over, you know the anger and the guilt and the emotional roller coaster etc. To my surprise a few weeks ago I came to the realization that I was not over it at all, it still hunts me some what and I don't know why. I guess I feel kind of stupid to still feel this way even after so many years... When does it stop, will it ever stop? I just want a normal life without my past. Thank you Ana