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About AWolf74075

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  • Birthday 06/19/1981

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  • Location
    United States
  • Interests
    Music, fantasy fiction, wolves, writing, some movies, some television.

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  1. Hi Orange, I hope you get your down time when the others return. Just wanted to let you know my inbox is always open if you need to vent!
  2. Welcome, Great group of people here. Wonderfully understanding one and all.
  3. I hate that chat is down. I've been struggling with some new revelations, and some new concepts. Like for one, I am doing fine. Yeah my wife's car was repossessed. Yes it looks like a bankruptcy is my best option at the moment. Does this hurt my pride, oh yeah. Does it hurt me? Not really. I'm still working, paying the rent, we have electricity and insurance and strength, both in each other and in ourselves. If I were to die today I would know that I had not broken God's laws, only disappointed myself a few times. I'm coming to peace with myself, and my place in this world. I don't like it, where I am, so I'm looking at a few concessions today to make tomorrow possible. I don't want to continue in this same cycle with the same intensity. Traveling in small circles at high rates of speed is only going to succeed in my getting nowhere new, and making me dizzy enough to not be able to tell the difference. This is me admitting that I have been doing it wrong all these years, realizing that I have been so busy basing my worth on the judgements of others that I have short sold myself for as far back as I can remember. Whether I entered this pattern willingly, or was pushed into it by those that programmed me to do for them with disregard for self, is beside the point. It is time for me to face my dependence on the comfort in this consistency, and branch out to see what is really out there. This is me. This is my self, my soul, my warrior spirit waking. This is me. This is my today, the culmination of MY yesterdays. This is me. Twisting and turning and transforming into Tomorrow. This is me. This is far too daring to be them. This is me. With intent, and clarity of thought, Me. This is me. There is no fear here, no cause to run, no thing to lose. This is me. I can not be taken, I can not be lost, I can not be stolen. This is me. I am as strong as I need to be. This is me. I am strong because I love. This is me. I am love, of self and of others. This is me. Have you met me?
  4. Thank you tina! it felt so good to actually write something again
  5. yeah, too bad the school decided they didn't want me.
  6. Skye, That makes me irritated and saddened. All of us need to be acknowledged and loved for who we are. I don't pretend to understand DID, but if you self recognize, to me that makes you a person all unto yourself. My Mother had an alternate that was not nice, but even growing up I recognized two different people. That woman should NOT be allowed to work with people on such a vulnerable level, she has the bedside manner of a trout!
  7. So I have been intending to return to school and finish my degree. The process of application, getting accepted.. has been... frustrating to say the least. But now I am well on my way to completing my registration for my first quarter of school in the pacific northwest! Yay me, and all that. I almost didn't go through with the registration, the thought of overwhelming myself with class work, and work work, and everyday household runnings was daunting, but with the patience and observations of a few friends, I went ahead and took the plunge. The fear of failure is one of the conditionings from my father, and not one that I give into often... or so I thought. Looking back now, I'd say it's about a 50/50 ratio on my trying new things. Not this time, this is my choice, for my education, for my future happiness, he doesn't get a say.
  8. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for your feedback!
  9. I haven't posted anything new in a little while, because I am trying to write something NEW. The forms of mental guidance, programming, I don't know what to call it, that my family used on me made me believe that I was not allowed to do anything well. I used to be able to write easily, but now when I pick up a pen, or sit down to a new document, my mind tries to rebel. I'm working on getting past that "oh my God I'm not allowed to do this anymore because I'm good at it" block, and put down some new poetry or prose. I'm struggling with it, this wall looks a lot bigger than I am. I don't intend to give up. Wolfie
  10. Here you will never be alone Jixero, I haven't been a member for very long, but I have been suffering from recurring nightmares of rape, and re-surfacing memories of molestation and abuse. Here someone will understand. Sorry you need to be here, but welcome.
  11. This poem was written much more recently than the others, within the last 8 years I think. Feel free to comment if you would like. I am always open to criticism. A Ghost in This Town The good old days that have flown past; they plague my waking hours with sorrow, and my rest with nightmares of solitude. I pass in silence, like death walking, watching with patient horror as my fears become my reality. At the grocery, the mall, the theaters, eyes of every hue pass through me seeking the next wonder to behold. Wonders that I dare not see as I pass on toward transparency. My every step is shadowed with my own flavor of doubt. I know not if I have the strength to break this cycle of anxiety. My words sound hollow even to myself, my smile a deception of courage My infirmities amplify the rejection of those who scatter to every course in fear of my infection. I pass un-noticed through this place, as I live my days in translucence. I know they do not see me, I know I should not care. But though I care, I press on to define "me" So that I shall awake free of this lonely borne abasement.
  12. AWolf74075


    Why Bother Counting Anger transparent- veils loosely as the noose around the symptoms of imbalance that plague my fading youth. My hands, callused with pointless work, my mind blurred with blind pain. Sorrows born from the pain of others, feed the flickering flames of my now listing spirit. If all could be beautiful, or all could be lost, why then do I insist on counting every cost?
  13. AWolf74075


    I wrote this poem after spending an afternoon in the great outdoors. Something I never do anymore, I always feel there are too many eyes watching me. Still, it is one of my favorites out of all I have written, so I hope you enjoy! Beauty Natures greatest beauty, lies in that which is old. Barren rocks in red clay soil reflects with rays of gold. The dawn and set of the sun, will tell you when the day has begun and is done. Far away from human plight, safely here I spend the night. The waters clear, the sky so blue, Everything a perfect hue teasing eyes with lost delight. I want to stay here all my life safe and sound. To be perfect too.
  14. AWolf74075


    Another poem from my dark ages. I don't think this one particularly triggering, more observational. Hallways I walk through this dark hallway Its stones are wrought of truth. Though I walk this path with passion I've found not yet the proof That this is indeed a token of all that lies ahead. The world in barren question when all of us are dead. I walk through this bright hallway, The glare it hides the facts. The truth of generations written by the chaos. This law of nature's sale, Man is rather frail, and as such will fail. I have walked through many hallways none are quite the same Their contemplations differ, for the season, and the name. But life is of this nature, it's all part of the game. Walk them all again, you'll find no two the same.
  15. This week was a bad, the worst one I have had since the memories started to return. I survived it with few new scars, but only because AS was here, I made a post about my father and his blog, and what he published about me. A full page of fictional material created to sublimate my life into something more comfortable for him I guess. Either way, it hurt more that he refused to validate my existence, my story, my trauma, and turned it into something that vilified me and made HIM the victim. I had such an outpouring of love and support from my brothers and sisters here on AS that I was able to turn the blow to my already wounded psyche, and today I am in such a better and stronger place for it. Hugs to everyone on the house! ((((((AS))))) Friday I had my first discernable panic attack. We were on the freeway, luckily I wasn't the one driving when it happened. It was raining a little bit, nothing out of the ordinary for Washington, and traffic was a little thick but not too bad. Out of no where I became convinced we were about to crash into another vehicle. We weren't even close to the other cars on the road, but that didn't seem to make a difference. We were going to hit them, and I couldn't breath right. I started to sweat, and my heart started to pound, and my mind went fuzzy, and my vision started to blur around the edges. For the rest of the afternoon, when we were in the car I was absolutely certain we were going to crash into something, another car, an overpass post, a curb, a tree it didn't matter, if I could see it, we were going to smash into it. The feeling lasted long after I had gotten home, ready for work, and had in fact driven myself to work... sweaty palmed and hyper alert. It was the most concrete evidence I have to date that I am ultimately vulnerable to these memories of "ancient" history, at least emotionally. Like I said, a very bad week. But after my wife came to me, woke me up, angry and upset having just read an entry on my fathers public blog condemning me as a sl*t and a w**re, and a manipulator, and a monster, I woke up feeling ashamed, angry, weak, pathetic, loathsome, and dirty. As soon as my wife left for work, I went into the kitchen and picked up a bottle of rum. I looked at it for a very long minute... then put it back in the fridge. I am not that person any more, I will never conquer my demons if I am not 100% in control of myself. I would rather be a slave to my demons, I didn't create them. Acknowledging what happened to me, and joining the After Silence site, has by far been the hardest and most rewarding thing that I have done in recent history, and I hope that I can contribute as much to the others here as they have already contributed to me. Thank you for validating my existence as a viable human being, giving me strength, understanding, and hope. God Bless us, every one.
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