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About CopperPhoenix

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    I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
  • Birthday 12/06/1977

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    A bit of everything

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  1. Hey Copper & Co, we miss you around here....hope you do decide to one day come back to AS. Ssssssparkles!! 

    1. crushedflower


      i miss you, too, Copper!

  2. My name is Andi, one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules of After Silence, and I will do my utmost to heed them. In this post I briefly mention SI. I have been around for a while, but deep Inside. I handed the first T the body went to...or at least the first who was worth the ink on her diploma. So it makes perfect sense to me (and my sense of balance) that I first resurface on the way to Aqua's. I like Aqua. We (me and Copper mostly) raised some very serious questions to her, and got some solid answers. It's not often that you can get a real, honest, answer out of a therapist, especially when you bring up issues of diagnosis and professionalism. It's nice to see a T who isn't afraid of our intelligence. It's even nicer to work with a T who makes it clear that we can push all we want...she'll push right back! I was able to give her some background, details of things that the others had skimmed over. Couple of names, couple of hard-to-ignore facts. And she talked about how every single person who has sat on my side of the desk has questioned her sanity. Judging from some Internal reaction, today was the most brutally honest about that subject that Copper has ever been with any T. On the downside, this makes two strong, dominant adults in the System who have SI issues. (Skye does too, but while hitting qualifies, when I say SI, I almost always mean cutting.) She got through Thanksgiving on stubbornness and guts...between the two of us, things are likely to get...interesting. Oh well. It is what it is, and we are what we are. -Andi
  3. Today needed comfort food, so I cooked Low and Slow Chicken.
  4. I did a crossword puzzle while I waited on my ride to T.
  5. Haven't done it yet, but am debating fixing an actual meal for my bedtime snack. Haven't eaten much today and am actually hungry! Anyhow, for me today I sat and messed around on Pintrest for 2+ hours.
  6. Woke up feeling funky, so we stayed home and slept rather than going to the House of Worship.
  7. Skye here. I am one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will adhere to them as best I can. This post carries a large TW. Tuesday's flashback was bad enough. Not much for details, but long on emotion. Days later and I can still feel Jet's cane coming down across my shoulders! But today...lord. We uncovered another part of why all of us hate being so cold. Can I get a ticket for Egypt, please??? 'Cause I want to go swimming in DeNile. Copper panicked halfway into the FB, so I rode (and wrote) it out. I really want to tear up those pages. Remembering a beating courtesy of Jet was bad enough. But this new one... *deep breath* I'm forcing myself to put down at least the basics. Maybe sharing will make them seem more real. The memory Copper ran away from involved Rev "calling out" a specific Insider and doing sexual things with her. To her. And the body. Damn. And here I thought that was one line he didn't cross. How silly of me. Not sure if I'm gonna force Copper to read what I wrote. May just hand it to Aqua. Most therapists give their clients homework. We usually are the ones to give stuff to her to read and come back to! But still. Kid's doing better, but she's still at the edge of her strength. If I'm not willing or able to handle this FB, there is no way I could fairly expect Copper (who is quite a bit younger than me) to cope. That is what T's are there for. I wish we didn't have to wait 'till Tuesday. I want to hurl.
  8. I took physical care of myself (selves) after the double-whammy of T and a massive FB. Wrapped in a blanket with stuffies and our special hat that Aqua gave us. And I just stayed in my room after poking my head out to let New know we're okay. But mostly I stayed put and looked at pretty stuff on Pintrest.
  9. Writer, I do not know who you are, only that you are one of my Company of Insiders. If I could, I would say this to you directly, but I can't. Still. Thank you. The Dreamer read and heard your words. And I am thinking. -C
  10. Thanks, Angie. And feel free to call Jet and Rev anything you like-- even Teacher calls Rev an asshole from time to time! You are right, anger was never an emotion any of us were allowed to express. Any rebellion at all was rapidly snuffed out. I think it shocked Rev the first time I (and it was me that time!) really fought back. I screamed his insults right back...but he was still bigger, and the end was still ugly. But I think it shocked him when his tame little broken thing proved it had claws! As to that little featherbrained starlet... *sigh* I know she's young, and very sheltered. There are folks in my System who would have said the same things at 17. All innocent and naive and stuff. It could be that the starlet thinks that because Daddy says it's okay, that negates any negative impact her dancing may have. I hope she grows up, comes to see the damage she's doing...hope it happens swiftly and with as little trauma as possible. I don't wish the pain of any kind of SA on anyone...but I do wish that something would open her eyes to the way the world works. Guess I'm just bitter. It's a little less pronounced with me, but most of us feel about as pure as yellow snow.
  11. Skye here. One of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will heed them. *****This post carries a lot of Trigger Warnings, including CSA, and religion. You have been warned***** I just saw a bit on TV about some idiotic little starlet who is publicly announcing her plan to remain a virgin until her wedding night. She flaunted her credentials as a Christian and the values her (too-exposed reality TV show) family. She posted a list of tips on her blog...cute, really. She says to stay out of your boyfriend's bedroom, and keep him out of yours. Because "All alone in a bedroom with the door closed and just the two of you? Nothing good can come of that!" No fucking shit, Sherlock. If you don't want sexy-time to happen, it is generally considered wise to stay out of private spaces with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Or the same, if you roll that way...but this little featherhead's family frowns on homosexuality. It goes against the aforementioned "family values." Funny, her daddy opposes same-sex unions, but he was fine with his little girl gyrating on the stage of Dancing With the Stars. *deep breath* Not now, Skye. This is not the blog for that rant. Bi or not, this particular post runs deeper. Even if I had not had consentual sex with a partner or two, I could never claim to be "pure" for my wedding night. The body I reside in was first penetrated long before it hit puberty. And not to be too graphic, but even barring the partners I chose...well. There is no way I can even dream of calling myself, this body, a virgin. If it can be done sexually, it has probably done to this lump of flesh. Rule 34, made literal. Those in this body had no choice about it. Fighting earned pain at best...and the worst doesn't bear thinking about. So we learned to comply, to be "good girls" and to please the people we were told to please. We split and split and split again, just to endure the violence and perversion that was our day to day life. At the moment, nobody in our System is interested in marriage, but if it should happen...what? Am I to be ashamed to be "impure"? Condemned to wearing a gown of grey or peach or ivory because I can't (according to tradition) wear white? Am I to be shamed because I "did not wait"? Am I ashamed of the people I chose to be intimate with? Of course not. And frankly, those details don't matter to anyone but us and our hypothetical partner. That doesn't bug me in the least. Were those specially chosen people the only men who had relations with this body, I wouldn't care about dimwits who preach about the virtues of waiting. Everybody is entitled to their own beliefs, after all. But what bugs me is knowing that I never had the choice. By the time this body was 8, we knew how to please a man, knew what to expect and how to follow orders. And frankly, 8 is probably overshooting quite a bit. As I type that, someone is offering me a wisp of a memory that we couldn't have been more than 5 in...and possibly as young as 4. I know that bad things happened to the body even younger than that...but I'll stick with 8, because I have memory of the body being used sexually around that age. Little Blondie on TV can flaunt her beliefs all she wants to, but not all of us have the option of waiting. If I confronted her with our story, even a toned down version, would I be sl*t-shamed? God knows, this body has been used by enough men. And even if I choose to ignore the stuff that happened before puberty, when I was too physically small to fight...what then? The abuse continued well into my 20s. I was fully adult by then, and had the curves of a well-built woman. I was nearly 6 feet tall barefoot, and could probably have tied most of the people I was told to please in knots. But I did not. The body obeyed for the same reasons it always has. We like to eat. We like clean water and access to warm blankets when it's cold. So even as an adult, this body walked tamely into sexual encounters with many, many people. I wouldn't mind if I had chosen to play my "V-card" with the man of my choosing. Then it would have been a matter of my choosing. Then I would have been able to say yes...or no. But that option was taken away from me when I was too young to choose. And it galls me to see that little girl (I can call her that 'cause I am almost old enough to be her mother!) dancing around the stage in her skintight short-shorts turn around and preach abstinence. I'd like to challenge her, ask if a rape counts as "not waiting" for marriage. I'd like to ask her what message she thought she was sending swirling her pelvis around on national TV. Dance is art, yes...but even if Daddy approved of the choreography and costume, that particular dance...well, the main adjectives I've heard or seen about it are "racy" and "sexy". The words she used hurt. She (so far as I know) still has the option to remain celibate until her wedding night. I don't. We don't. If one of us falls in love, we cannot bring a pristine body to the wedding bed. Frankly, I think there's an absurd amount of weight put upon female virginity...but that is not the point. The point is that I am both sad and angry. A featherheaded teenager rambled on about the importance of waiting (don't be in his bedroom! Pray before each date!) while I struggle through the aftermath of a lifetime of abuse. To put that in perspective, this body was used by whoever felt like it for more years than this little dancing girl has drawn breath. She's entitled to her views, but it hurts to hear 'em. I would like to take an (almost) pristine body to my wedding bed. But it ain't gonna happen. It makes me sad, and angry.
  12. Skye here. I'm one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules of AS and will do my best to adhere to them. I hate it when Aqua gets sick. And I'm about ready to stop scheduling podc appoints on Tuesday mornings so we can see Aqua in the afternoon (thus saving a trip). Virtually every time we have tried to make that work, we've got a call from Aqua's office saying she's unwell. Like today. Fortunately, I'm in decent shape. Most of us leader-types are. With one blazing exception. Copper. I was able to coax her to the surface long enough to eat a donut....though it took quite a bit to call her that close. And as soon as the treat was gone, she slid back into her dark Inside hidey-hole. I'm not even sure if she heard the call from Aqua's office. I don't know for sure if she is aware that we're back home now, instead of in Aqua's waiting room. I'm being good. I ate breakfast. I got us a footlong from Subway and ate half, setting the other half aside for supper. Even got us some of their good cookies for our bedtime snack. Considering the fact that my first response to stress is to restrict my food, that's quite an accomplishment for me. In a few hours, we'll put Elf in the driver's seat and let her finish getting our space up to snuff for Inspection. We will do all the things that need to be done to keep the house running smoothly. We'll tidy and organize and even talk to New (even though she annoys the crap out of me). We'll get all our art stuff confined to one space and toss empty paint tubes and dried up glue sticks. Maybe it's for the best that Copper be hiding. Inspections trigger her. And, of course, the whole Halloween thing. Why, why, why did Aqua have to be sick three days before Halloween??? We will be okay, no fears on that. But this is tough. I guess I am ready and willing to front as long as Copper feels the need to hide. But I've got a sneaking suspicion that we're not gonna see her again 'till Aqua asks about her...next week. Yeah, I can do it, especially with Orange and Mally backing me up. That's not the point. The point is that Copper has fled the scene and I am worried about her. But for now all I can do is make sure that all our obligations are met. This is gonna be one hell of a long week.
  13. I remember you, Real. Welcome back
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