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Me, Myself, and the Voices in my Head

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vakry

My Teal Trigger

The color trigger has been around for since I can remember. At first ... I got a memory of having a teal shirt as a little boy at a playground, but no context as to what significance the color is. People that wear bright teal shirts trigger me. Not too many people like this color so ... it has not happened often thankfully. I bought a rainbow wig with teal in it. that made me uncomfortable, but I was okay with that. I put teal in my signature for a while. I went from uncomfortable to perfectly okay with it. I did a number of things with teal. It seemed like it was no longer a trigger. Then someone wore a bright teal shirt and it triggered me worse than ever before. I reworked trying to associate teal with better things and seemed again okay.

Now I'm starting to think maybe there is more to the trigger than a teal shirt... something teal and glittery as me feeling horrid. .... arg. Will it please end?! I like that color! I just wish I didn't want to throw up every time I saw it. I already have enough problems between anxiety and hypoglycemia and such that make it difficult for me to eat or not want to. ....

vakry

Train Wreck

I did it to myself. It is my fault. I am okay taking the responsibility. It does not harm me to do so. I own it. I don't put my sins on the devil I don't blame other people. I blame myself. I did it. I just have trouble un-doing it.

It's my fault they are texting me. It's my fault I answer. It's my fault I've cheated with them. It's my fault I didn't cut ties. It's my fault I'm a bit of a w**re. Ya, I didn't just do it to do it. There was some manipulation here. I don't just give it up for free. There is a price. Price depends on what I want. The more sadistic and twisted their fantasies are the higher the price. The more they want it... the higher the price. The sooner they want it... even higher. I'm a w**re.

It's my fault. Do not take that from me. There is power in me owning this. I like owning it. It doesn't degrade me in away way. Does not cause me to self harm. It is not at all in any way unhealthy for me to own the fact it is my fault.

I don't want to blame the programing. I don't want to talk about my past and it's responsibility on it. Seriously, if you didn't I was assaulted you'd gladly let me own it, wouldn't you? I don't want it to be about rape. I want to own it. I own it I have power. That's why I like to own things. It feels like I have control and power. Can you really argue I mean truly argue that I don't have some sort of responsibility in this? It's my way of getting control. That's what it's about. Am I any different than my main abuser? Seriously. Just because they are willing to have sex and capable of consent doesn't make what I do right. I negotiate the terms. I withhold sex if there is nothing to be gained. What is offered worth degrading myself for... I'll do it. I do value myself. Just not in any healthy way. I know people want to fuck me. I can pick them out of a crowd. Thanks to my creepy uncle I've learned how to spot them. I can even tell about their level of kink too. I'm never wrong. It's mostly about their comfort level in telling me what they desire. I already know. It's fun to play coy though. I know exactly what they want and how. I sense it. No one has ever complained. In fact most want more after a taste.

I've even made guys question their orientation. Hun... just because I dangle doesn't mean you're gay. I'm ambiguous and a bit of kinky bit*h when I want be. You think I'm girly on this site... hahahahhaa. You haven't seen nothing. Not even a taste. I can do a girly giggle and moan like a chick. Probably not thinking of me as a guy in the moment.

I am what you want me to be. What you perceive of me.

There is a lot of meaning behind every one of my poems. They aren't just about what is there.

vakry

I Wish I Were A Drunk.....

Tired of people mentioning my sleeping patterns. Days like this I want to regress so hard back into my habits. At least when I was a drunk I didn't give a shit what people said and when I was drunk no one tried to pawn off responsibilities on me or relied on me. I have an entire history of not being able to be relied on that. I kinda want to keep that reputation. Leave me the fuck alone!!! It's not my problem. It's not my obligation. No, I will not be guilted or conned into it. I will do it out of the kindness of my heart on my own in my own way and time not on your fucked up watch. You don't own me. I got a life. Might not be much of one but I do have one and that needs to be respected. I am not a fucking dog you can call at will. Now if you communicated like a proper decent human being and remember I have my own obligations we'll talk. Until then back the truck up and shut your hole.

I'm tired of now that I'm sober people act like I cannot function. yes, I struggle sometimes to even get out of bed, but I do function and at my worst 10x better than the assholes that treat me like I cannot. When I'm at my best I can do laps around lazy ass bit*h that treats me like I don't function. What I do in an hour takes her ALL day and she doesn't have an excuse! Same job same capability level. I can get it done in an hour. She's there all day. But the fact she's there all day makes it seem like she's doing more than I am. Bullshit. Looking busy and being busy are two completely separate things. I'm not going to shoot the breeze with people that nickpick my entire life. I'm not going to be pals with people that pick the ONE thing I'm actually good at and rip it apart. Ya.. look how fucking well her kids turned out. She has NO room to fucking talk to me about being a parent. NONE! I am ace when it comes to those kids and they aren't even biologically mine. It's a choice not an obligation. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I WANT to be a parent. She never did and still doesn't even now that they are grown and thinks she knows a lot better than me. Fuck that. I'm twelve steps ahead of her in that department. I got it in the bag. Proof should be in the fact the bit*h herself compliments how well behaved they are. Who do you think does that? Where do you think they got that? Hmm... wasn't her. Yet some how I don't have it together. I have it more together as a drunk than she ever has had it sober. Haha!! That's how sad it is. And she's giving me advice. Thankfully she doesn't bring up my drinking. nothing to bring up. I've slipped a couple times but nothing more than a weekend or a heavy night... each specifically picked without the kids. They are not in my care when I'm drinking. I got it more together than I'll ever get credit for by this woman. I think it's because I'm not a woman. I really think that's what her beef is. I think she rather the kids be raised traditionally. She's okay with homosexuals but don't think they should have families kind of thing. It's funny because recently another family member decided to get pregnant and she's a lesbian. Oh my god that's got to burn her biscuits. She's made a comment that at least D tried to be with a woman and guess since that didn't work out .. lol. She has NOOOO clue. It's so funny.

God. I want to move out of this fucking town!!! People wonder why I'm depressed and so hard on myself? I got the whole fucking village picking away at me!!!!

D even started in on it.... arg... omgsh you're so secretive. He's always commenting on how secretive I am. Like he can fucking talk. He leaves I don't hear about him for hours. Never know when he's going to be home. He doesn't tell me what people text him or what he's doing on the computer. At least I told him about AS. At least I show him some texts and even read it off to him. I've fucking screen capped them and showed them. I've showed him my fucking Facebook. If he logged into his fucking account he'd see almost exactly what I'd see.. minus the private messages, but every picture, joke, everything posted on my walll and everything he would have complete access to. ya I'm totally fucking secretive. Mostly I'm just annoyed at the fact he thinks I'm going to want to cuddle or have sex with him after he's been out all day not knowing shit about him. Or thinks I'll give it up if he doesn't tell me he's leaving later. Ya tonight he asks if I want him to come wiht me to class, if not he was thinking about cooking the kid's dinner. Well cook the kid's dinner!!! They need you a lot more than you need to be with me at class. He's got friends with classes the same night he can fucking check up on me. he can fucking facetime my ass and see I do go to class. Not really all that secretive. I stupidly mention going to the bank and suddenly he has to go. Pissed my mom off and she's told him so. She watches the kids when we're away. I'm like... um... He didn't need anything at the bank. I just needed to sort out my bank card. I leave my receipts in the glove box and he can see my bank statement got nothing to hide. It's to that point I'm like... can I just move out and take the kids and you can be free? I mean really?

I'm frustrated. Don't fucking dare say shit about what I should do with my relationship. It is MY relationship. Only Dimitry and I get to choose how it goes and it's none of anyone's fucking business. just so you know the rant is entirely biased and out of context. No one knows shit. I do it on purpose. I don't tell people his side. I don't tell all the intricate details of the relationship on purpose. Gives ya no fucking power to tell me what to do with it. It's MY relationship. No advice is welcome. It's a rant. If we (Dimitry and I) want it to be a train wreck that's our prerogative. If we want to split we'll split. If we want to salvage we will. Between us. I will not fucking tolerate any one daring to suggest he's controlling, abusive etc just based on out of context and biased rants I give. He's none of these things. I opened up my life to him because I wanted to. I let him see things because I want to. He did not ask. He didn't guilt me or anything. I did it to attempt to salvage the relationship. Ya all the good it's doing.... He's had the utmost respect for my privacy. He just makes stupid comments because I've been disappearing on him a lot and not really wanting to spend time with him. See told you there is a lot more to situation than you know. I'm not innocent. I'm a devious little fuck. I got a dark side. I am a lying, flighty, squirrely, irresponsible, cheating, manipulative fucktard. People seem to forget that about me. I have a LONG history of being the kind of bastard most people do not want around. Just because I was abused, neglected and sexually assaulted does not excuse my behavior. I'm tired of people thinking I'm this hero and a nice guy. I'm the anti-hero. I'm a bit of an asshole. If we were in person betcha you would put up with me for long. You will hate me. That drunk on Hunger Games. That's me. Even sober aint that great. Being sober just makes me more aware of bullshit going on and care more. But not enough to really be worth too much compassion. It's more pathetic actually. And I don't like arguments on that fact. Just because I'm being hard on myself doesn't mean I'm giving up or throwing in the towel or I'm hurting myself. I'm not going to hurt myself if someone agrees with me. I'd be like damn straight! Or.. well as straight as an S, but we got something going there at least. Call me names. I don't care. Don't walk on eggshells around me. It just pisses me off. Tell me how it is or just fuck off.

That's all I want some fucking honesty. you want my help tell me. you want me to fuck myself I got the lube. you want to fuck me.. well pick a number. I got a long list of people that want to fuck me... some in a nice way and a lot of them not so in a nice way.

vakry

Poem

broken hearted betrayed questions never sated

Pain never ceases desires never lost

Contentment in misery rising

verbal vomit splattered too far

of a dark splotch staining the soul

marked the number of days

withering grace burning hate

seething pain engorged mental strain

vakry

Get It Together

-trigger- profanity at very end.

Bring it in. Lock it up. Bars and all. Chain in it. Hold it inside....

Please let's be my old self to-night....

He is there. Deep inside. trembling and scared. It's safe for now. It will hold.

Check the deadbolts thirteen times. Come on James.

Come and show. I need you....

Smile. Laugh. Joke. It's not fake. It is you. You're not a liar it is true.

God... come on. You can do it. Get with it.

vakry. valkerie. valhalla. strong and true this is you

You've gone through worse. You made it thought the storm. you can do this.

I'm such a liar. This is not working. I just want to rip my hair out and scream fuck you!

vakry

I Wanted To

tape it up shut the door lock it up keep it in

real painful pill to swallow

posion inside. weeping seeping

locked in the night

prisoned in sick thoughts

I long since lost my fight.......

I long since lost my fight

vakry

I Hate Me Right Now

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I drank. I smoked. I sucked a friend off, he returned the favor. I really appreciate that especially since he's straight. And now I have to wear long sleeves. I never had to wear long sleeves before other than weather. I defiled my arm with an ink pen. My friend watched me do this. he's a bit of a sociopath and hurting myself kind of turns me on too. My day is complete.

vakry

Embarrassing

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TRIGGER

I'm incredibly horny. And it's not in a good way. It's not the kind where a little tugging and release would be enough. This is usually what leads to my self-harm. Sadly because if I have sex I know it will trigger me because of this feeling. It's stupid. I don't understand it. I'm sick. Really sick in the head. If you knew the images running into my head that cause this....

vakry

I'm Incredibly Gay!

Haha! Yeah I know that's not a news flash. lol. But I was re-reading some things I posted and jeez... I burst in the flame! lol! That's got to be annoying. It's hilarious to me seeing that.

vakry

Stutter

My stuttering has gotten worse and noticeable. I even repeat words often in text so it's got to be a weird in my mind kind of thing and it's driving me crazy! I did it in class today during a presentation. I've NEVER struggled with presenting and there was less people in that class than ever.. it was just a handful of us. Most out sick.

vakry

I.am.not.suicidal.

Oh I've wanted to die. I still have moments I would rather be dead. But I can't take my life. I can't. And guess how I know I cannot kill myself. I wanted to.

My dad had a loaded gun on top of the refrigerator. I knew the gun was there, but I didn't know it was loaded... until I wanted it. He was always locking up guns and making sure ammo was not stored in the same place. He had safes and cases and trigger locks. I never thought to check. One day I remembered it was there. I grabbed a chair and reached up for it. It was in a cloth case. I unzipped it and opened it. It's shiny silver. It's weight and chill of the metal in my hand. I brought it down. I extended my arm and pointed it at a mirror. That's when I saw... it was loaded! I opened her up and sure enough. Fully loaded. I started to put it to the side of my head, but I changed it. I put it in my mouth. I put a finger on the trigger. I squeezed gently and released. I gasped. I had no idea I was holding my breath until that moment. I stat there a good hour with a barrel in my mouth just crying. Eventually, I slowly pulled it out and carefully put it back where it belonged exactly how I found it. I repeated this exercise for two weeks with the exact same results. Insanity is repeating the same thing and expecting a different result.

D was a cutter and not a poser about about. He cut along the vein and then mutilate it until he lost consciousness. He very nearly died. Twice. So, I thought that might be interesting. One swift swipe. It barely scratched! I put some rage into it. It cut like a poser. Diagonal and across and it barely bled. It really didn't do anything for me. Yeah, I figured that wasn't going to work out for me.

My best friend hung himself. Why not honor him? Yeah, that wasn't happening either. I swung and found myself fighting it. I managed to right myself and yeah.....

Then I decided to take some pills and have some alcohol. I threw up pretty quick. And the thought of doing it again made me gag. I've never thrown up as hard as I had that night I swallowed pills. And you know I'm an alcoholic so... not a stranger to puking. It was so bad I couldn't swallow even one pill for YEARS after without activating a gag reflex. I couldn't even do chewable vitamins without wanting to gag. How messed up is that?

Sorry to be crass, but activating a gag reflex is rather a feat. I'm no stranger to deep throat. Oh yeah, there was no accident why I put a gun in my mouth. I thought it would be the most poetic way to die.

So yeah. My brain, my survival instincts and even my body rejects suicide. So I can't. No matter how bad I get.. I just cannot take that leap. So, lacking the ability.... I had to find other ways to deal.

vakry

Therapy

I've been poking around in the therapy part of the board. I remember my brief sessions in the past.

You know what I think a best friend is all the therapy I need.

I'm in a serious *%^% it mood. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. My family seems to worry. I don't know why. I don't say dark things around them. I mope around and want to cut a few branches off the family tree, but if you knew them you'd get it. I don't have a lot of family so cutting some branches is a serious thing. I'm more likely to connect my fist in some faces than kill myself. Fist in face is a long shot. I have never hit a woman. Ever. But my sister does make me want to.

vakry

Song

Lock eyes from across the room

Down my drink while the rhythms boom

Take your hand and skip the names

No need here for the silly games

Make our way through the smoke and crowd

The club is the sky and I'm on your cloud

Move in close as the lasers fly

Our bodies touch and the angels cry

Leave this place, go back to yours

Our lips first touch outside your doors

A whole night what we've got in store

Whisper in my ear that you want some more

It's a song. I didn't write it and it would be mortifying if anyone knows/figures out what this song is called or the rest of it. But the only real meaningful part that matters is what I pulled. The rest... well.. if you really wanna know.... haha!

vakry

Wits End

blog-0787028001380572080.jpgHow do people do it? I cannot ask the right question to save my life. Maybe because I don't like pointed questions.. so I don't ask any? Of course everyone else loves asking the right questions. Sometimes, yes, I need that one person... that when I say, "I'm fine." They look at me in the eye and call, "Bull." But there's been waaay too much of that lately.

I'm reclusive. I barely go out. I've skipped school and such so I don't have to deal with more than I can. I'm expert at dodging people, keeping them at arm's length and even pushing them away if they get too close. And it worked for a while. Now that's not working. Even people I've done that are trying to hang out with me. It's to a point I do not have a moment alone. I used to.... okay.

At school I used to be alone on break. For a whole 11 weeks on break I'd go of course find coffee or something. Ever since I've been sober coffee has been my thing. Ditch one addiction, gain another. Then I'd park my hide behind a building and I'd call one of three people. The only three people until recently I'd ever call just to have someone to talk to in the last eleven years. I got friendly with a total of three people in classes (helps to have a vague sense of friendship to know if they'd be good at group projects) and cordial with four others that are D's friends. That's how it worked all quarter and I LOVED it. I'm social and perfectly capable of it. I just choose not to.

New quarter starts just as the last one had. One this time D's friends are inviting me everywhere and starting to wonder after me declining all the time. The three friends I made last quarter are in my classes again and now following me around at break.. to the point what the frag. Seriously. I could find some oddball corner and suddenly one of them will appear and want to sit with me most the break. So, then I cannot call anyone because I don't want to talk about things with people around... hence the odd corner. I could hang out in my car they'd find me. I could go to any of the restaurants, gas stations, or stores anywhere in vicinity and it is hard NOT to run into one of them. I could even go crawl into the bathroom and eventually some one is going to notice. It's like they have me on gps. It's rather annoying.

Recently I had a complete meltdown and two of the four friends of D's noticed. Do you know how hard it was to lock that up from him? Don't get on my case about how I should tell him. I don't have to tell anyone shit. And worse one of them likes my personality.... likes and in the first stages of in love.. only I dangle so it's not going to work. Not that I'd want it to. I just hate it when people love me and care about me. I am a sociopath. Morality is meaningless and pointless to me. However, I don't like hurting people. It's not morals. I just am a sucker. I got that annoying white knight complex. And even that isn't wholly fair. A damsel in distress I'll ride to her aid and manage to at least make her smile. A guy.. well it's kind of awkward. I don't understand why. I'm gay. You'd think I'd have the white knight complex. And don't you dare fragging go there with me being the damsel in that situation. Don't. Just don't go there. I'm a guy! I might be in duress, but I'm still a man. Why is that so hard for people to see?

How do I deal with it?

I get it. I'm likable. It's fraggin annoying. I don't want to be liked. Part of me doesn't really think I deserve it. They don't know what I've done and even when I tell them they accept it. I thought I was the sociopath. Seriously. I can bury it deep in whomever I want... single, married, prostitute... no one really cares about any of that. They actually worry more about me. What about the relationships I've destroyed?. The family I've broken apart? What about the prostitute? I'm sure she's got some sap story. I doubt she's always dreamed about selling her body. What about the time I've crossed lines? I'm living with a guy and playing parent to his kids.. same guy I've buried it deep in his girlfriend while they were together and not just once or a phase. Nope. And she's the mother to those kids. And he not just forgives me but allows me to bury it deep in him too. Shockingly she's totally okay with me "taking her place." I mean... what? What is wrong with people? Seriously... if he started seeing his ex I'm pretty certain I'd be bitter about it. Yeah, I don't work fair. And ALL of this makes people worry MORE about me rather than less. What? WHAT?! Which means they like me more... how does that work?

The only time this ever becomes an issue is when there is a pregnancy and it's unclear who the father might be. Everyone looks at me. I don't even have to sleep with her and I'm accused like it HAS to be my fault. And people hate me for a while. But then eventually they get over it and it's back to as it was before... and weirdly they trust me more if I hadn't touched her. If I hadn't slept with her it's because she didn't want to or the opportunity didn't strike. I could actually be alone with someone and nothing happen. I'm annoyingly defensive when nothing actually happens too. If I don't defend myself that's when it becomes a worry. I won't defend my actions. No point. So, I buried it deep in someone's wife. Yeah, that takes a special kind of.... yeah. Yet, I'm expected to say something for myself. What? You tell me. I don't know. I have issues.

The only thing is I'm not in love with any of them. I've been in love with D since I was sixteen! That has not changed in all this time. I haven't loved anyone the way I love him. I know I got a real nice way of showing that. So, it's not going to be a full blown affair. I know I kind of suggested it. But I actually didn't get with D until LONG after his ex and he split up. SEVERAL years after the fact. I'm annoyingly honest about shit like that.

So, somehow that makes it right in peoples eyes?

Hate me please. It's easier for me. I don't know how to deal with everyone liking me and wanting to help me.

vakry

The Partner

blog-0115838001380264044.jpgLove sucks. I know it's bad. I rather do meaningless relationships than be in love. It's easier. I knew before I got into it that I really shouldn't be in a relationship. It's just not something for me. I don't know how to make it work. I don't know how it's supposed to work. Does it even work? Most people I know are divorced more than once or unhappily in a relationship or just so much going on the relationship really is the least of the problems. I don't know what healthy is. The cards are stacked against me.

I don't want him near me, but I don't want him to leave me either. How does that work?

I want him faithful, but I cannot be.

I want don't want him touching me, but I'll throw myself at him?! Rejected. Part because I see other people and part because he doesn't want to hurt me. But then the awkward question.. if he actually accepted the offer then what kind of mess would I be in?

None of it makes sense. How do I make it make sense?

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