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BrokenRoots

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    Survivor

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  1. So much has happened since the last time I blogged. To tell you the truth, I don't even know when the last time was that I just sat down and wrote. I've been on vacation on and off the past month so everything is kind of blurry in my mind. Well, more so than it usually is anyhow. . . I broke up with my boyfriend of (almost) three years. I miss him terribly. We still talk all the time.. It's just, weird. And complicated. I wanted to break up with him to make things easier on both of us but now it seems like everything is ten times more weird. I have court coming up in March. I'm scared to death
  2. I'm not so sure that I feel as if my boyfriend blames me for what happened, it's more that he blames himself. To me he is a constant reminder of that night. I'm sure I'm a reminder to him too, but he doesn't outwardly show it.. I just can tell that he treats me differently. I feel it. It makes sense that he probably wants a fresh start. He suffocates me, tries to control me. I just can't have men telling me what to do. I don't like it, and I don't like being forced into things. Long story short, I'm not happy with him anymore.. And I guess I just wanted to say thank you for your insight &
  3. First off, I want to say that I'm sorry for what you've gone through and still are facing each day. It's almost been two years for me, and I feel somewhat the same as well. I look back at the "old me" and it's like I have all of these memories but they're from a person who was someone else. I don't even have an emotional attachment to some things, they're just there. It's difficult to go through each day this way. Difficult is an understatement even. It's hard to NOT be afraid walking around in public. I completely get that. What helps me (a little anyhow) is exaggerating the differences betw
  4. I feel unhappy. I've been with my boyfriend for three years this coming January, but lately it's felt like we've been growing apart. Not just lately, I suppose.. But since I was raped. He was there that night, He was asleep, while I was pulled away and silently.. Well, I don't have to go into detail. I know he blames himself for not awakening. I know it isn't his fault either, but for a long time I placed a silent blame on him inwardly.. I know it isn't his fault, it was just so easy for me to target my anger, confusion, and hurt towards. I've long since realized that only my perpetrator is to
  5. BrokenRoots

    *tw*

    I feel like crying. I've had a hard week emotionally. I've been trying really hard to be social and part of my family and friend circle, and it's taken a big toll on me mentally. The past few nights I've been having flashbacks/body memories each time I close my eyes to sleep, so then I end up just staying up later until I literally pass out from exhaustion. I've been having vivid dreams. Most sex based or sexual assault based, others just bizarre. I feel ready to just shut down again and crawl back into my comfortable solitude but I know I can't be that person forever. I've been drinking a lo
  6. BrokenRoots

    Numb

    I've had.. A weird week. I guess. I don't know. I feel void again. Everything is numb. I've been fighting with my boyfriend, on and off. I can't seem to get along with my dad. He constantly makes me feel guilty, or like I'm not good enough. He throws around "rape" in conversations as if it's something funny, or something that is okay to talk about. It isn't. My mother and I are distant.. I've been staying at my sister's home for almost a week. She's having problems with her soon to be ex-husband, so I've wrapped myself up in her problems instead of my own. I've been avoiding myself. Avoiding w
  7. (((Forest))) - I'm sorry today was rough, and that your T and you can't seem to connect. I went through that before I switched mine so I can completely understand. Though today was rough I'm sure there is something you will be able to do to relax yourself and give your mind some positive vibes. BrokenRoots
  8. I. Am. About. To. Break. I need to cut. I swear I need to. I don't understand what's holding me back. There's just something within me that's screaming at me to put down the blade. I keep listening to that voice, too. I read the "If you want to start cutting" thread on the self harm forum. I think that "letter" is partially the reason I'm so afraid. Reading that entry sent chills down my spine. The vivid details made it feel as if I was reliving a chapter of my life I'm not sure I want to relive. I don't know what to do. The beginning of last night was such a good few hours. I met up with my
  9. I'm at the point where I look forward to reading your feedback. Thank you, Forest. I will read your blog right after I finish replying here. I know I need to do what's best for me, it's just hard to. I've always lived up to everyone else's standards and it's difficult to just stop doing that. I'm trying though. My partner is very nice, he just has a huge soft spot for everyone in need and that really impacts our relationship a lot of the time. He's taken advantage of over and over and I just can't stand by and watch. I will try having a heart to heart. Talking is difficult BUT if we can work
  10. I think I'm missing a few for anxious, but I'm not sure what else to add. If you think of anything else that would be great. Thanks Forest. BrokenRoots
  11. I just need to vent, and if there's no one that I can vent to where I am then typing to myself should suffice, I hope. Ick. There's so much that's just been dropped like a bombshell on me this week. Some things I can't even talk about.. Not yet, anyhow. Here goes though. I just need to get stuff off my chest. 1 - I'm worried about my sister. She has a nasty divorce coming and her lovely hubby is making threats both towards my sister as well as my niece and nephew. I know it's not my place to get involved completely, but I can't help but have concern for my family. It angers me that he's treati
  12. Is there a sexual assault center in the city you live in? The therapists who work in these centers are very easy to talk to and sessions are often offered free of charge to those in need. (((Forest))) Here to support you BrokenRoots
  13. You have a beautiful gelding. My mare has personality as well, though I'm more than thankful to have her. Horses are very therapeutic animals! Also, it's okay to fall once in a while, as long as you get back up! BrokenRoots
  14. Today I feel grounded. It's refreshing.. Comforting even. My last private session with my therapist we talked about coping techniques and skills that I've learned. My sessions with her are slowly coming to a close and she wants to make sure that I have all the tools I need to face the outside world alone. I'm not sure that I'm completely ready for that, but I've been taking baby steps towards reacquainting myself on the outside and so far I think I'm doing alright. Anyhow, for this blog I'm going to try and do a "practice run." Feedback and suggestions are more than welcome, and appreciated a
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