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About TurtleWhisperer

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    *The stars saved my sanity*
  • Birthday 09/12/1993

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  • Interests
    Video games, Quilling, Hunting, Fishing, Baseball, Bowling.

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  1. I was planning on returning to AS and being more active, but I'm not sure I will have enough spare time. We will have to wait and see. So my BIG news is that I am going to have a baby! While I am really happy and excited, I am also scared. I am 12 weeks and have been off my anxiety medicine for about 8 of those. I haven't found a replacement for my medicine yet, I've just been suffering through it. Withdraws from Lexapro are HORRIBLE... "brain zaps" and dizzy spells were worse than the "morning" sickness that soon followed. After the baby I don't know if I will get back on it, but I will need something. For now I use a lot of the tips in the post on here called "Emergency Self-Soothing Kit and Crisis Survival Strategies." Me and my boyfriend, the baby's father, are living together and have a good relationship. While he still hasn't figured out how to handle my anxiety attacks or my triggers, he does love me and doesn't hurt me. I try not to think of the "normal" fears of becoming a first time mother. Being a survivor and raising a child, protecting them from the monsters that I know live in this world, giving them room to grow and allowing them to leave my sight, those are the things that I really fear. I look up to any mother or father that never lets their trauma affect their children.
  2. I haven't been on here in ages and I just wanted to make a quick post while I'm stable enough. I want so bad to visit AS everyday and reconnect with you all, but everything is a trigger and I can't. I'm sorry for that. I am at a horrible place right now. I really thought once I got back on my medication (lexapro for anxiety) that I would get back to my "as close to normal as I can be." But that hasn't been the case. Suicide is a constant thought I want it and actually expect it, self harm/Injury is at an all time high for me, and self hate has always been an issue but now I even hate my body, even the parts I used to like. I graduate from college next week, however I will be returning to take a few extra classes over fall/spring 14-15. I am heading to Ohio shortly after graduation to spend the summer with my family. The relationship problem is still rearing it's ugly head. I have made some progress with opening up to my "crush" CS, but there are ZERO signs of that working out. I managed to tell another friend, I couldn't even use the "R" word, but at least she knows. ALSO! My one friend, EB, that I managed to tell *part of* my story to, has been EXTREMELY wonderful with asking if I'm ok and if I'm being triggered. It's amazing to have her around so much, she's like a guardian for me and I never feel alone or unsafe as long as she's there. So that's pretty much it, I really hope I get back to AS eventually, I miss you all so much and I hope you're all doing okay. I will try to get on from time to time and at least check my notifications and messages. Take care
  3. In the last few months I feel like I have aged years. Growing up I did not have a perfect family, but until I was about 12 it seemed like it. My parents weren't really supportive of my choices when it came to anything, but they were always there and always loved me. My mom has a very strong family value, even when the family is feuding she claims them and loves them. As I've gotten older though I've realized that her side of the family is, her family. Not mine. Hers. It's almost as though I'm not even part of the family that I was born into. Which hurts a lot. Not only does she treat me like an outsider, but so do my aunts. My grandmother varies, and thankfully my grandfather fully accepts me. So with no support from my mother or her family, and my father's family being hours away, all I have is my dad. He does what he can, but being that we don't have a great relationship, I don't live with him, and he works a factory job 7 days a week + overtime, I can't ask for much from him. My mother has decided since there is no sign or hope of me getting married anywhere in the near future, and we can't stand each other, it's time for me to leave. So with no support, no job, no credit, a pitiful savings, and a packed college schedule, I have to find myself a home. I know this isn't the hardest thing I've been through, but it's up there. To add insult to injury I live in the middle of no where. Rural is an exaggeration. We don't even have apartments. You either build a house, buy a house, or live in a trailer park. Trailers are decently priced, but I'd be better off living in a box under a bridge before I moved into such an unsafe environment as that. But with me having no credit and struggling to establish any, I probably can't even have a box. I am honestly terrified, not of leaving "home," because frankly I hate this place anymore, but of doing all this without any help. I always expected to live on the lot next to my sister (and across from my mother) and build my house myself. I never thought I'd be this desperate and alone. No one can even give me advice. My friends are the only people I have, and all but one of them still live with their parents, so all they can do is cheer me on. I don't have an adult figure that I could learn from. I don't have a shelter of any kind in my area that I could go to and learn. I don't even have a professor at school that I would be comfortable asking questions to. I just want help and options. Not this. I don't want any of this.
  4. I still have the house to myself for a little while longer and I'm dreading my mother's return. I was really hoping to be further along with my house hunting than I am. CS has been coming over A LOT. I like the company but he's starting to drive me insane. This afternoon was okay though, but that's because he was inside watching a movie while I was outside shoveling snow and doing chores. As soon as I came inside he was at it again. Little stupid things. Making dumb jokes and not taking anything seriously. Then again, maybe I'm being too serious and need to lighten up? I can never tell. Either way, I'm glad to be alone for the next few days. The company was great when it kept away the night terrors, but now they are coming back regardless of who is here with me. Is it wrong to want to be alone so much? I love being at school with my friends and get upset if I don't get to see them, but then I turn around and jump for joy when they say they can't come over for a few days. I feel like I'm being a bad friend. I just need the space, I need to breathe. I need a break from friends, a break from this place, a break from life. How am I supposed to share a house with my roommates like this??? Growing up sucks....
  5. A happy post for once! I was so worried about being home alone for so long, and here it turned out to be the best few weeks I've had in a while! My friends have been by my side through the whole thing, never letting me suffer in the silence. I am also VERY thankful for those of you who sent thoughts/prayers and sat with me!! I still have to do this again in December, but I have so much more confidence and less anxiety about it. Tonight is such a dreadful night. The wind is blowing so hard the doors keep popping open. I'm not a fan of wind being that we're in the middle of the woods and trees are very close to the house. There are plenty of things going bump in the night, but I couldn't care less about any of them. I have my best friend (and crush) CS by my side, watching movies, playing video games, and crashing on the couches until classes tomorrow. Last night EVERYONE was here! It makes me feel so good to know that these people genuinely care about me. I haven't been able to say that for... wow... I don't know when... I don't know if I've ever been able to say that. I'm not going to say "If it weren't for them..." or any of that stuff, because I don't want to be relying on them. They aren't there to catch me if I fall, they aren't there to help pull me up, they are there because we all care about each other. We cheer each other on, lend a helping hand, or just send good vibes to each other, BUT only when we can. I know that my friends from a different county can't be there on a whim, I can't even say that about the ones who live 2 minutes from me. But if they can't, someone will, and if they missed out on being there, they always make it up to you. I felt like I was never there enough for them. Like I was the "taker" in all of our relationships. I think these last few weeks was my way of saying thank you, and I'll try to step up. The same goes for all of you. I've been keeping to my blog, not checking up on you guys. I'm slacking!! I'm going to try and pick back up, you guys deserve it! Thank you all again, so much! -TW
  6. ((*Pre-Warning! I do NOT tell my story in this entry, I talk about telling my story to someone else, so, no worries!*)) So, I live with my mother and she's gone away for training for work....for the next 8 weeks. The original plan was that she got to come home every weekend, but that has now changed. She called tonight and said she can't come home this weekend.. or next... and she's not sure from there on. There are so many reasons why I hate being home alone. During the day and even early night, I do fine. But somewhere around 9 or 10, something changes and I can't do it. Holy crap. I just Unrepressed. He showed up a little after 9 and had me in the car by 9:45. Wow. --- Ok, I'm calmed down a little bit from that...that's crazy. So, Sunday night was the first night alone and I did horrible. Crying, bad bad thoughts, self-harm, so much picking that it hurts to pick up anything. You can understand why I didn't even want to come home Monday night. But I couldn't leave my puppy to turn into a popsicle outside and starve my cats. My night class is with EB, and she afterwards she walked me to my car like always. She had been texting our mutual friend RM (Who has been in love with her since high school) and she was finally going to admit to him that she liked him. So we got in my car to stay warm and girl talked the evening away. Around 10:30 we went into town to get a bite to eat, and then I drove her back to the school. We were having that "Oh! Before I go, I gotta tell you..." conversation and like everyone all the time, she brought up CS (Best friend and who I really really like, but he doesn't know it.) I told her what I always do, "I can't do relationships" "It wouldn't work anyways" etc. *He told me that morning that he was getting deployed and I was devastated, still am, can't talk about it* But I realized that she didn't know that yet, so I told her and started crying. She asked me why do I always say that I can't do relationships. Something in me pushed me to tell her the truth. I didn't tell my whole story, just basics... but it was enough that she can kinda get a grip on my situation. It felt so weird talking to her like that. Me and EB aren't that close. My group at school, we're all best friends, but we have friendships inside friendships, if that makes sense. EB and my cousin AO are close, while me and KM are close. We realized that apart from car pooling for a 45 minute drive to the city 2 semesters ago, we'd never been alone together. EVER. and here I was telling her my story. She shared some of her past too, which made me feel like she wasn't just being nosy, she genuinely wanted to get closer to me... and that makes me so happy. It will be awkward tomorrow, seeing her again, and everything could still backfire right in my face, but I think it's worth the risk. After that, I came home and screamed and bawled my eyes out (Everything I was holding in during our conversation, I didn't want to scare her off) That wore me out enough that I fell right to sleep, and slept all the way through the night!! Woo hoo!! Tonight I'm pretty tired, and I only have to sleep until 6, so I hope I'll get a few hours in. The other 8 weeks though? That's another story...
  7. Thank you for reading and replying guessangelina. I applaud you for being able to even be around him. I get an anxiety attack when I even THINK I might see him. Him and M are still together to this day. He once said that I was the only girl she didn't like because I was the only one she had to worry about him leaving her for. I hear she still doesn't like me. I wonder if she knows what he did? You don't have to answer if you don't want to of course, but I'd like to ask you a few things. Aren't you afraid he might do it again? How do you manage to have a "relationship" with him? How do you not hate him??
  8. It's been a while since I've posted anything on AS. I have logged on several times, but as soon as I tried to read a post, I'd trigger. Everything has been so crazy lately. Anxiety attacks, blood boiling anger, breakdowns, plenty of crying and general drama. The past has been beating at my brain a lot too, which makes everything so much worse. Long story short, I got out my old cell phones and was going through text messages. I shouldn't have done it, but I did. At first it was simple texts from friends that I have lost contact with, so it was more nostalgic than anything. Then there was two sets of messages that made me implode. The first was the day of my best friend's death. They were from/to a mutual friend of ours. He asked how J (Best Friend) and the other boys in the wreck were, and I had to break the news to him. It seemed so surreal to type that, and it still feels surreal to read it now. The second set was from him. My attacker. I had a vague memory of something on my phone from him, but I had no idea of these. They were sent after the attack, and started as him begging for me to text him back. (I don't think I replied, I may have deleted some of my texts to him, but since some still existed, I doubt that.) Then the tone changes, he's mad at me... wait.... he is mad at.. me? I tried to read as much and as deeply (Understand, not just read) as possible. He was mad at me for "blowing him off" and "just using him as a toy." I said something about him not caring about me, and he'd never know how bad he hurt me. He said that he didn't want to tell me about her because then I wouldn't have "got" with him. And that's when a repressed memory was *unrepressed*.... We were driving back through town, after it all, he was taking me home. I remember him saying, "There's something I need to tell you." I looked up at him just as we were passing the bank. I can't remember his words exactly, but I know he told me that him and M were dating. I remember I started to cry again. I immediately thought about being in her position. She thinks she has a perfectly normal relationship with this man she loves, all the while he snuck out to R his ex-best friend. I cried for her. I cried for me. I cried wishing she knew about me. In the texts he said that he broke it off with her temporarily before the carnival (I live in a town of 200 people, it's the biggest event of the year) just in hopes to get with me again. My heart sank. What if it had happened AGAIN that night?! That night was very eventful. He got into a fight with my friend MW. Though again I can't remember details. In the parking lot A held me while I screamed and confronted him for the first time since. I'm getting off subject. My point is, after reading all this, it made me feel like he didn't know it was r****. It makes me question every memory I have of that night. What really happened? Does he know what he did? Or worse... do I know what he did? Questioning if I was even r****d that night, makes me question everything about my life. I was already struggling with the "who am I?" but now... now it's so much worse...
  9. I don't understand what is happening. All these emotions. All at once. I can't breathe. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to die. I can't even express it. So much going through my head. I start crying at nothing. I don't mean little things, I mean NOTHING. My mom hands the phone to me: I start crying. I look in the bathroom mirror: I start bawling. Fell asleep when I got home. Another nightmare. Futuristic stuff. He was a "bad guy" but I loved him. I tricked him into killing himself. Told him he would "respawn" like a video game, it was new technology. I helped him shove my knife in his throat. I screamed and cried once it was done. I grabbed him hand and told him I was sorry and that I loved him, but it had to be done. I could see his face, but I don't know who he was. That part bothers me the most. I woke up crying, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep and somehow bring him back to life. What is wrong with me now?! Maybe my medication isn't working anymore? (Lexapro for G.A.D.) Maybe it's because I have been receiving so much positive attention lately. Normally that just makes me really angry. Which would explain why I keep being hateful to my mother. The girls and J say that C likes me. (yes, I'm an adult, but I still take relationships in a very middle school way.) That makes me even more mad. They know I like him. They know I've liked him since I was 7 and we played minor league together. Now they think he likes me back. How? How could he like me? Sure, he's my best friend and knows a lot about me that others don't. But on the other hand, there is a lot he doesn't know. KM says I should give it try, "date" him and try being a good girl. I was like that once. I had a fiancé that I was madly in love with. He knew EVERYTHING about me. We were dating long distance when my trauma happened. He moved to my county just to protect me. Besides my trauma, he was my first. I trusted him more than I had ever trusted anyone in my life. Until he lied. Years of love, passion, planning, and trust. gone. His entire life prior to us meeting was a lie. everything. The man that I love? Never existed. So of course, like 99% of us, I have trust issues. Now, I'm not saying C would hurt me like that. Heck, he is as close to perfect as I've ever seen. (He doesn't smoke, drink, cuss. He's a virgin. Never even had his first kiss as far as we know.) But I would hurt him. Taking such a pure, innocent "boy" like that, and stick him with a troubled, broken, wh**e like me?? Hah. But they don't get it. The girls and J can't understand what is so wrong with me. They can't understand why I don't deserve to be happy. Sure, I've hard enough pain to last me a lifetime (literally) but I've also caused a lot of pain. C needs someone as innocent as him. I don't know who I need yet. I'm starting to think no one. I have someone as broken as me. But he's not broken in the same way as me, and just as he can't understand my brokenness, I can't understand him. If you read this, thank you. Funny how you start on one thing and end on a completely different one.
  10. T = Therapist SI = Self Injury SH = Self Harm TW = Trigger Warning, or in my case TurtleWhisperer ;) Those are the basic ones I think. Are there certain ones you were wondering about?
  11. Being that I was homeschooled all my life, college has really been a new experience. Over the past 5 semesters I've learned that college doesn't just teach you things about certain subjects, it teaches you about yourself. Introduction to Psychology was a HUGE eye opener. My teacher had a way of figuring out that one thing you're keeping hidden and working it to the surface and helping you cope with it. There were about 25 people in that class, and he knew everyone of us better than we knew ourselves. So much happened during that class... I had my first public panic attack... I unrepressed memories... I cried in front of others for the first time in years... It was just supposed to be a college course. Get in, get an A, graduate, get out. But,, it was more like a therapy session for all of us. One that we needed, some more than others. My next psych course, Abnormal Psychology, was with the same teacher. It was the same way. At the end of the course I had asked for extra credit. He told me to write a paper. Subject? Me. What made you the person you are today.... oh my gosh... I have been struggling with that question ever since my trauma happened... I couldn't hold it any longer... I wrote it down... everything... that horrible thing that now defines me as a person. ... So tonight, In Children and Families, when we thought we would simply turn in our Self-Socialization Sketches and be on our way, my sketch that just happened to have some info about my trauma, our teacher says that SURPRISE! You get to present them NOW! To the WHOLE CLASS! The class that has a best friend, an enemy, and plenty of strangers. How did I do? Wonderful. I have been tongue-tied all day, but when it came to choosing the perfect words to describe what I'm going through, it all flowed perfectly. My college career is just beginning, but in the few short semesters that I've been there, I can already see a progress. Again, not just in my basic subjects, but in myself. I have went from being the girl who took a 20 minute bathroom break in the middle of class just to sob my eyes out in the stall, to a girl that can say, almost with confidence, that I am a survivor of sexual abuse to strangers that I have to face 3 days a week. I know I'm not even close to the "Road to Recovery" but at least I'm starting to see it off in the distance.
  12. TurtleWhisperer


    LOL! As soon as I read the first sentence the song started playing in my head! Oh goodness, that's embarrassing! Thank you for the much needed giggle tonight!
  13. Lots on my mind tonight, thought this would be the perfect time to start this blog. Can't sleep due to nightmares. Last night's makes me not even want to close my eyes tonight. This boy, that I really don't know what to call... I suppose he's my boyfriend? (It's extremely complicated and I'll spare you the details.) He says he loves me, but I beg to differ because in my eyes he doesn't even know me... or at least the "real" me, because I don't even know her. I don't think I have feelings for him, I used to, but now I'm not sure. I let him get close because he is screwed up too. Only problem is, he not the same kind of screwed up. When I tell him that I don't want him sticking around long enough to see the real monster that I am, he assumes I'm a thief, addict, killer, etc. and he's okay with that, because he is or was too. He's a decent guy, he has a screwed up past but he's doing a great job of staying on track. He deserves a girl who can appreciate him and love him back. I'm not that girl. I will never be that girl. I don't have that ability. I've tried so hard to tell him that I'm not what he needs, that I'm not what he thinks I am, but he can't understand. It's getting to the point that I'm just going to have to be mean about it, and I don't want to. He doesn't deserve this. I hate getting close to people. We just both end up cold and alone. -TW
  14. Sorry you have to be here, but so glad you've found us! I already love your mindset and I hope you acquire your dreams! -TW
  15. Ah, thank you very much Shortcake! I'm excited to try it out
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