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About vakry

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    I'm not crazy my mother had me tested ~Shelly Cooper TBBT

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  1. Hello!

    Welcome to AS! You have a wonderful positive attitude
  2. Hello.

    Any forum. Just 10 total. Welcome to AS
  3. 52 Year Old Guy In Californina

    Welcome! I'm also hailing from the sunny state!
  4. A Trigger Warning List?

    What I like to do is say trigger warning and explain what might be in the post I think could be sensitive ... Example: Trigger warning: contains self harm - not graphic or graphic. Trigger warning for profanity. Trigger warning for graphic detail of abuse. A run down of what I think might trigger. If I am not sure it's a trigger I will put the warning anyway and again the topic I plan to bring up and let others decide if they want to read. Most my posts will have a trigger warning or should have one. See my name I'm a walking trigger warning. .. I also want to take a moment to urge self care. This is really important. This is a site for survivors to get support. The topics all over the forum aren't going to be very pretty. Please ground yourself or do something nice or prepare for triggers. Moderators do the best they can and we as a community do best as we can, but the fact is being a survivor and talking about issues is going to bring up a LOT of nasty things I wish we didn't have to go through. Coming here sometimes might not be safe. There are days, weeks, and months I don't come here because it is not safe for me to read certain things. Sometimes avoiding those particular forums that could trigger me isn't enough. Sometimes the list of recent topic titles will trigger me. And that is OKAY for me and for you to take a break at anytime. I urge self care. And when I say titles that trigger me are not at all in any violation or need an official trigger warning. I often struggle with the words doll and uncle.. certain holidays. Some days those normal every day words bother me. Sometimes like right now I'm good with those words. I don't want anyone avoiding or censoring themselves with those words. Use them. I do have self care methods in place that help me if I do get triggered I urge everyone that has triggers to look for something that helps them that's safe and effective and more than one something. A tool box. The more tools you have the better.
  5. You know it's bad when numb is the only way to function

    1. Ember



    2. vakry



  6. Having a hard time breathing

  7. Having a hard time breathing

    1. NorskyCourtney


      So sorry, Vak. Sitting with you, if you need.

    2. Ember


      I'm sitting with you too J! Gentle hugs to you my friend.

    3. vakry


      thank you

  8. outta control

    1. Ember


      Here for you (((J))). Just remember that God is still in control. He will never leave you nor forsake you and that is His promise. In your darkest hour you can rely upon that.

  9. My Teal Trigger

    The color trigger has been around for since I can remember. At first ... I got a memory of having a teal shirt as a little boy at a playground, but no context as to what significance the color is. People that wear bright teal shirts trigger me. Not too many people like this color so ... it has not happened often thankfully. I bought a rainbow wig with teal in it. that made me uncomfortable, but I was okay with that. I put teal in my signature for a while. I went from uncomfortable to perfectly okay with it. I did a number of things with teal. It seemed like it was no longer a trigger. Then someone wore a bright teal shirt and it triggered me worse than ever before. I reworked trying to associate teal with better things and seemed again okay. Now I'm starting to think maybe there is more to the trigger than a teal shirt... something teal and glittery as me feeling horrid. .... arg. Will it please end?! I like that color! I just wish I didn't want to throw up every time I saw it. I already have enough problems between anxiety and hypoglycemia and such that make it difficult for me to eat or not want to. ....
  10. I don't care what they say... God is with me.

    1. Ember


      What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

      Romans 8:31

      ...I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

      Matthew 28:20

      So we say with confidence, "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"

      Hebrews 13:6

    2. vakry


      Thank you, Liv :)

    3. vakry


      That's exactly what I mean.

  11. Train Wreck

    sorry... I didn't mean to dredge up your past with my stupidity
  12. Train Wreck

    I did it to myself. It is my fault. I am okay taking the responsibility. It does not harm me to do so. I own it. I don't put my sins on the devil I don't blame other people. I blame myself. I did it. I just have trouble un-doing it. It's my fault they are texting me. It's my fault I answer. It's my fault I've cheated with them. It's my fault I didn't cut ties. It's my fault I'm a bit of a w**re. Ya, I didn't just do it to do it. There was some manipulation here. I don't just give it up for free. There is a price. Price depends on what I want. The more sadistic and twisted their fantasies are the higher the price. The more they want it... the higher the price. The sooner they want it... even higher. I'm a w**re. It's my fault. Do not take that from me. There is power in me owning this. I like owning it. It doesn't degrade me in away way. Does not cause me to self harm. It is not at all in any way unhealthy for me to own the fact it is my fault. I don't want to blame the programing. I don't want to talk about my past and it's responsibility on it. Seriously, if you didn't I was assaulted you'd gladly let me own it, wouldn't you? I don't want it to be about rape. I want to own it. I own it I have power. That's why I like to own things. It feels like I have control and power. Can you really argue I mean truly argue that I don't have some sort of responsibility in this? It's my way of getting control. That's what it's about. Am I any different than my main abuser? Seriously. Just because they are willing to have sex and capable of consent doesn't make what I do right. I negotiate the terms. I withhold sex if there is nothing to be gained. What is offered worth degrading myself for... I'll do it. I do value myself. Just not in any healthy way. I know people want to fuck me. I can pick them out of a crowd. Thanks to my creepy uncle I've learned how to spot them. I can even tell about their level of kink too. I'm never wrong. It's mostly about their comfort level in telling me what they desire. I already know. It's fun to play coy though. I know exactly what they want and how. I sense it. No one has ever complained. In fact most want more after a taste. I've even made guys question their orientation. Hun... just because I dangle doesn't mean you're gay. I'm ambiguous and a bit of kinky bit*h when I want be. You think I'm girly on this site... hahahahhaa. You haven't seen nothing. Not even a taste. I can do a girly giggle and moan like a chick. Probably not thinking of me as a guy in the moment. I am what you want me to be. What you perceive of me. There is a lot of meaning behind every one of my poems. They aren't just about what is there.
  13. I Wish I Were A Drunk.....

    Tired of people mentioning my sleeping patterns. Days like this I want to regress so hard back into my habits. At least when I was a drunk I didn't give a shit what people said and when I was drunk no one tried to pawn off responsibilities on me or relied on me. I have an entire history of not being able to be relied on that. I kinda want to keep that reputation. Leave me the fuck alone!!! It's not my problem. It's not my obligation. No, I will not be guilted or conned into it. I will do it out of the kindness of my heart on my own in my own way and time not on your fucked up watch. You don't own me. I got a life. Might not be much of one but I do have one and that needs to be respected. I am not a fucking dog you can call at will. Now if you communicated like a proper decent human being and remember I have my own obligations we'll talk. Until then back the truck up and shut your hole. I'm tired of now that I'm sober people act like I cannot function. yes, I struggle sometimes to even get out of bed, but I do function and at my worst 10x better than the assholes that treat me like I cannot. When I'm at my best I can do laps around lazy ass bit*h that treats me like I don't function. What I do in an hour takes her ALL day and she doesn't have an excuse! Same job same capability level. I can get it done in an hour. She's there all day. But the fact she's there all day makes it seem like she's doing more than I am. Bullshit. Looking busy and being busy are two completely separate things. I'm not going to shoot the breeze with people that nickpick my entire life. I'm not going to be pals with people that pick the ONE thing I'm actually good at and rip it apart. Ya.. look how fucking well her kids turned out. She has NO room to fucking talk to me about being a parent. NONE! I am ace when it comes to those kids and they aren't even biologically mine. It's a choice not an obligation. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I WANT to be a parent. She never did and still doesn't even now that they are grown and thinks she knows a lot better than me. Fuck that. I'm twelve steps ahead of her in that department. I got it in the bag. Proof should be in the fact the bit*h herself compliments how well behaved they are. Who do you think does that? Where do you think they got that? Hmm... wasn't her. Yet some how I don't have it together. I have it more together as a drunk than she ever has had it sober. Haha!! That's how sad it is. And she's giving me advice. Thankfully she doesn't bring up my drinking. nothing to bring up. I've slipped a couple times but nothing more than a weekend or a heavy night... each specifically picked without the kids. They are not in my care when I'm drinking. I got it more together than I'll ever get credit for by this woman. I think it's because I'm not a woman. I really think that's what her beef is. I think she rather the kids be raised traditionally. She's okay with homosexuals but don't think they should have families kind of thing. It's funny because recently another family member decided to get pregnant and she's a lesbian. Oh my god that's got to burn her biscuits. She's made a comment that at least D tried to be with a woman and guess since that didn't work out .. lol. She has NOOOO clue. It's so funny. God. I want to move out of this fucking town!!! People wonder why I'm depressed and so hard on myself? I got the whole fucking village picking away at me!!!! D even started in on it.... arg... omgsh you're so secretive. He's always commenting on how secretive I am. Like he can fucking talk. He leaves I don't hear about him for hours. Never know when he's going to be home. He doesn't tell me what people text him or what he's doing on the computer. At least I told him about AS. At least I show him some texts and even read it off to him. I've fucking screen capped them and showed them. I've showed him my fucking Facebook. If he logged into his fucking account he'd see almost exactly what I'd see.. minus the private messages, but every picture, joke, everything posted on my walll and everything he would have complete access to. ya I'm totally fucking secretive. Mostly I'm just annoyed at the fact he thinks I'm going to want to cuddle or have sex with him after he's been out all day not knowing shit about him. Or thinks I'll give it up if he doesn't tell me he's leaving later. Ya tonight he asks if I want him to come wiht me to class, if not he was thinking about cooking the kid's dinner. Well cook the kid's dinner!!! They need you a lot more than you need to be with me at class. He's got friends with classes the same night he can fucking check up on me. he can fucking facetime my ass and see I do go to class. Not really all that secretive. I stupidly mention going to the bank and suddenly he has to go. Pissed my mom off and she's told him so. She watches the kids when we're away. I'm like... um... He didn't need anything at the bank. I just needed to sort out my bank card. I leave my receipts in the glove box and he can see my bank statement got nothing to hide. It's to that point I'm like... can I just move out and take the kids and you can be free? I mean really? I'm frustrated. Don't fucking dare say shit about what I should do with my relationship. It is MY relationship. Only Dimitry and I get to choose how it goes and it's none of anyone's fucking business. just so you know the rant is entirely biased and out of context. No one knows shit. I do it on purpose. I don't tell people his side. I don't tell all the intricate details of the relationship on purpose. Gives ya no fucking power to tell me what to do with it. It's MY relationship. No advice is welcome. It's a rant. If we (Dimitry and I) want it to be a train wreck that's our prerogative. If we want to split we'll split. If we want to salvage we will. Between us. I will not fucking tolerate any one daring to suggest he's controlling, abusive etc just based on out of context and biased rants I give. He's none of these things. I opened up my life to him because I wanted to. I let him see things because I want to. He did not ask. He didn't guilt me or anything. I did it to attempt to salvage the relationship. Ya all the good it's doing.... He's had the utmost respect for my privacy. He just makes stupid comments because I've been disappearing on him a lot and not really wanting to spend time with him. See told you there is a lot more to situation than you know. I'm not innocent. I'm a devious little fuck. I got a dark side. I am a lying, flighty, squirrely, irresponsible, cheating, manipulative fucktard. People seem to forget that about me. I have a LONG history of being the kind of bastard most people do not want around. Just because I was abused, neglected and sexually assaulted does not excuse my behavior. I'm tired of people thinking I'm this hero and a nice guy. I'm the anti-hero. I'm a bit of an asshole. If we were in person betcha you would put up with me for long. You will hate me. That drunk on Hunger Games. That's me. Even sober aint that great. Being sober just makes me more aware of bullshit going on and care more. But not enough to really be worth too much compassion. It's more pathetic actually. And I don't like arguments on that fact. Just because I'm being hard on myself doesn't mean I'm giving up or throwing in the towel or I'm hurting myself. I'm not going to hurt myself if someone agrees with me. I'd be like damn straight! Or.. well as straight as an S, but we got something going there at least. Call me names. I don't care. Don't walk on eggshells around me. It just pisses me off. Tell me how it is or just fuck off. That's all I want some fucking honesty. you want my help tell me. you want me to fuck myself I got the lube. you want to fuck me.. well pick a number. I got a long list of people that want to fuck me... some in a nice way and a lot of them not so in a nice way.
  14. cant be strong when I need to be when I want to be