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I'm warning that this post is about sex......TW.....please be safe whilst reading this I never posted my story. I can't...I've written it once and copy and pasted it ever since. I read it when I send it to a friend but I forget it immediately afterwards. Suffice to say that my ex husband was my problem. He was my first and only until this past week. I've lived like a nun for over 20 years....my friends understand the joke. I'm quite the innocent and never ever considered a one night stand or Tin
I've had a fun weekend but I have the underlining feeling of leaving my friend. It's not fair that others get to leave people and not look back. I used to be that way but my friend made me have feelings again. I hate him for it! I just want to run away. He hasn't done a thing to me. He's been busy lately. I told him maybe we should take a break from each other and he said no. He doesn't want me to leave. He won't leave me. He tells me this all the time. I just want to be left alone by the whole
This is my first blog and I need to get myself back in control. A good friend triggered me last week, he has no idea that he had. I didn't realise that it would trigger me but it did. Now I'm anxious all the time! I can't calm down. I'm remembering things from my ex that I don't want to. I just want it to go away. My ex-husband did this over 20 years ago. I kept it put away until this past summer, then I had a semi breakdown but I put it away again. Now this, it triggered me so bad. I can't put
I don't think I need a trigger warning on this post but I don't know.....read carefully =) How am I able to help a friend but I can't help myself? I have a high school friend that I reconnected with recently. She told me about her husband not being nice to her and her son is in high school and wants her to leave his dad. She & I talked for a long time today. I encouraged her to move forward. I've given her my attorneys' phone number. I started to tell her a bit about my marriage. I started t
Has anyone else dealt with someone who creeps you out but you have to deal with them? My sister's boyfriend creeps the beatlejuice out of me!!! He's never done anything to me but I can't stand to be in the same room as him for more than a few minutes. I can't put my finger on it but he creeps me beyond out. The first time I met him, I could barely stay in the room. I left quickly because I just couldn't stay. If you've had this, how did you deal with it? They are pretty serious and I will be hav
Do we ever get happy endings? I found a guy that I trust with my life. We are friends and he is amazing. He makes my ghosts go away. We aren't in a relationship but I feel guilty because I've been with several men since I met him. I'm not going to tell him about them (even though we agreed to tell if we were with anyone) because he got upset when I told him that a guy was going to put me up when I visit him. I wasn't going to be able to stay with him the whole time because his kids would be visi
I'm really happy right now in my life. I've been making changes and I didn't really expect results but they are happening. I'm doing things that I never thought I would ever do and enjoying them! My best friend is back. He apologised and I apologised because it's time for me to start accepting responsibility for my mistakes and to learn. I missed him with all of my heart and I know he's hurting, I wish he would talk to me. I'm going to show him that I'm becoming a better person and maybe that wi
I did it! I'm going to Europe to see my friend and kids. I'm so scared & excited!! My emotions are flying everywhere and I can't keep up with them. I'm going to look into teaching whilst I'm there also so maybe I can find a job and be able to go back and stay for awhile. I'm scared to be in an adult thing with my friend. He is helping to plan things and I'm so grateful because I'm a spontaneous girl....hopefully he can help with some of that. =) Have a safe day!!
I get scared when I'm happy for too long....it's because I expect something bad to happen. I met a really nice guy. My best friend is talking to me again!! That makes me the happiest!!! But I keep expecting something to happen to ruin everything!! Ugh! I wish I could enjoy my happiness instead of waiting for something bad to happen....am I alone in this? Anyone else have these problems? Does it ever go away? Thanks for listening to me ramble, have a safe day!
So the other day, I talked to my friend who triggered me. He is wonderful but now I feel overwhelming guilt because I told him everything that has happened to me. I think it's too much but he insists that he's fine. I don't think he is. I just want to take everything back! I don't want him to deal with my pain. Has anyone else had this happen to them?
I emailed my exchange students' counselor at school and she is now meeting with her to discuss why she is having memories of her attack. The counselor told her at the first meeting that she's new & is used to academic counseling only...I thought "oh gravy". But she stepped up, after the first meeting, the counselor did some research and is asking the right questions, she needs to work on her listening skills but I'm proud that she is trying to help my "daughter". Some of my other kids think
I finally saw the movie....I think I'm the only person in the world who didn't cry during it. I think there is something wrong with me. I don't cry much. I think it's a waste of my time and I don't really feel the emotions linked to it. Just wondering if anyone feels like this ever?
Sorry to be posting so much after such a long time away....I still need to put that into words. I'm so excited because my best friend arrives on Saturday!!! As a friend used to say....I'm as excited as a puppy!!! I can't wait to see him and the weird thing....I want to give him a hug!! He's been through so much with me & he's still there for me. He supports me no matter what, he gives me strength and helps take the pain away. He's no idea how much he means to me or how much he has helped me
It's taken me until today to finally express how I feel about the visit the other day. I had to go for a pelvic ultrasound and mammogram. The pelvic ultrasound was an internal one. She put the camera inside me and kept moving it around...to say it was uncomfortable is the least!!! She said she couldn't find my ovaries so she had to do the outside ultrasound also! She asked why I was having it done and was surprised that I didn't know why. I was so uncomfortable and felt so violated. I don't know
Today I did it.....I told my best friend everything. He knows more about me than anyone else in the world!! I have a new problem now.....he has my control. I used my story as control over everything. If something didn't work out right, well, it must be because I have this huge secret that no one knows about....now he knows. I'm scared. He will never hurt me, that's not what scares me. What scares me is he was strong enough to handle everything. I call him Superman because that is who he is to me
The closer I get to telling everything to my friend the worse I get. I have gnawed my fingers until they have bled. Now I want to control my eating also. I haven't had these issues in forever. Why are they bubbling up now? I literally bite my fingers in front of anyone & everyone....it looks so professional. The food issue started today. I can't have people tell me that I'm losing weight or I sabotage it. I gain it all back. A different friend tells me every time she sees me that I look like
Losing my best friend has caused me to rethink my behaviours, I'm being more positive. Over the past several years, I've been pushing myself to try new things and leave my comfort zone. Last night was the biggest thing I've ever done......I met someone and had a great night with him. I did things I haven't done in a very long time. The only problem was he knew that I've been hurt. He allowed me to say no to anything I didn't want to do. Ja, I know I was so lucky to find him and for him to be as
Things change, life changes....I've had so much in the past few months that my head is spinning. I lost some very close friends that I trusted. It threw me for a spin. I don't trust easily and then to have them leave without any notice is very difficult for me.
He's here & I'm so happy. I had a breakdown yesterday. I was so scared for him to come. I wanted to send him back home. He traveled here from Europe to see me but I couldn't handle it. He doesn't know how bad I got. I had another friend talk me down but it was really hard for her & me. She said I wasn't allowed to hurt him that way. I am glad she made me see him. He is the best person but he deserves better. I feel so comfortable around him. He makes me feel safe & I need that right
It's been awhile since I posted on my blog so I'm doing it now. I'm home alone this week because of stupid tests for the doctor. I have the pelvic ultrasound tomorrow and the mammogram on Wednesday. On Friday, I will see my new doctor. She is very nice. She's my daughter's doctor also, so we have already met. I'm hoping that everything is good. I've cut out most sugar from my daily life and it was much easier than I thought. I'm just days away from leaving for Europe to see the guy I really like
So it's been a bit since I wrote anything....I thought I was doing better but then I slip down the slope again. I don't know why I do the things I do. I keep doing things that I know are wrong and stupid. The other night, a guy I was suppose to hook up with but we missed each other....probably a good thing. He texts me out of the blue. Asks if I want to make money....I knew I should've said no but I was curious. Stupid, stupid, stupid.....He just wanted photos. I've always said no but he was ann
I've started talking about it again and now I'm anxious. Why am I always anxious? I'm going to see my best friend from school in a few weeks and I'm afraid I will say something and ruin my holiday! I hope I can keep my mouth shut!!!
I'm anxious as it is because of recent events but today I got an email that I've wanted for a long time. I have been asked to teach English in Austria. It's what I had wanted before last Friday. I would be near my friend and we would be able to hang out together and stuff but since he left....this feels wrong. His friend still wants me to do this so I'm trying to arrange for a visa....there are no embassies in Vegas. On the internet, it says I have to go to LA to get visas. If I follow through o
I'm so nervous!! Today I have to see the girlie doctor....it's the first time in a very long time. I don't like getting the internal exam done or any part of it. Plus, I have to get an AIDS/STD test. It's because I'm seeing someone and we want to show that we are clean but I'm petrified of needles!! I'm so scared that I'm going to pass out! Anyways, I'm just so scared today! I could really use some support. Thanks & I hope everyone has a safe day
Why is it when I talk about what happened, I get angry? I get angry at people who didn't have anything to do with what happened to me. I especially get angry with my friend. Is it because he is male? Is it because I want to push him away? Is it because I think it's ok? I really don't know. I just know that what he's hear hurts him. He feels so bad for me but can't do anything about it. Why does he make me feel better even when I'm mean to him?? Why do I still feel so alone even though he knows e
