Today I did it.....I told my best friend everything. He knows more about me than anyone else in the world!! I have a new problem now.....he has my control. I used my story as control over everything. If something didn't work out right, well, it must be because I have this huge secret that no one knows about....now he knows. I'm scared. He will never hurt me, that's not what scares me. What scares me is he was strong enough to handle everything. I call him Superman because that is who he is to me. I just had to get this off my chest. I told someone & they are ok. They don't think I'm disgusting, ugly, vile, nasty.....so should I still consider myself this way? He says that I was forced to do the things I did with my husband, but if it's your husband.....is it really considered force? At some point, I have to admit I allowed the things to happen. I said no but I still allowed it to happen. I'm confused and scared and worn out and need my best friend by my side. I want to look into his eyes and see that he doesn't feel any gross, disgusting, ugly, vileness towards me and then I want him to hug me. That's what I wish.