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The closer I get to telling everything to my friend the worse I get. I have gnawed my fingers until they have bled. Now I want to control my eating also. I haven't had these issues in forever. Why are they bubbling up now? I literally bite my fingers in front of anyone & everyone....it looks so professional. The food issue started today. I can't have people tell me that I'm losing weight or I sabotage it. I gain it all back. A different friend tells me every time she sees me that I look like I've lost more weight. I think I've gained a ton. Anyways, I was suppose to tell my best friend the final chapter of what I remember...the closer I got to the time, the more my mind started telling me what an ugly, disgusting, fat cow I've become. I didn't want to eat my lunch. I didn't eat much & haven't for the rest of the day. My friend wasn't able to hear the rest today so I have to wait until tomorrow to tell him. My anxiety level is so high!!! Another friend says I need to take a break. I'm getting to stressed out. I'm afraid to take a break. I'm afraid of what will happen. I can't stay like this. I want everything back to the way it was before I started remembering & talking this summer!! I need this to go away.


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