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Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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A lot of ones have come from my best friend. She didn't mean to. She just says what she thinks. She has stood up for me about my rape to everyone including her own father (I'll get to that later)> Whenever I feel guilty she reassures me it wasn't my fault over and over. she's the one who encouraged me to go to the hospital. But words can still hurt even if unintentional.

She will NOT talk about what happened. And some of what she has said

"why didn't you scream?"

I made a joke because I had to go to court over my rape and SHES the one who told me I should call the cops and I said "this is a fine mess you've gotten me into" and she says "I'm not the one who told you to get drunk at his apartment alone."

My aunt

"well you must've wanted it a little bit, I mean didn't you know something was up when it was just you two at his apartment"

a friend (a guy friend)

"why didn't you fight back? You should lie and tell people you fought back with all your migt because it makes you seem more sypmathetic" and then I was talking about how my boyfriend felt about what happened and he said "You don't understand, your boyfriend does not see you anymore when he looks at you, he sees what happened, you are broken in his eyes and you have to suck it up and deal with it. If he wants to make out or whatever you have to get over it and do you he wants he needs it more then you now" I know for a fact all of this is a not true about my boyfriend

And the best is......

my friends' father came over at my house at 10 at night... to tell my mom that my rape was all her fault. That if she knew what she was doing I wouldn been raped! And I shouldnt made the choice to call the cops, it's not my place that my parents should decide that for me (even though im 21)

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my husband who knows everything has asked me more than onece "Who was your first" You dumby my brother, he doesn't think sometimes.

I set boundaries for when my child was born about my brother and my mother said" I just wish this could all go away, if this child died it would" It would not go away, it will never go away.

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those that say get over it, say people use theri trauma for attenton or made it up

iw orry people wont' believe me or take my pain in wrong way, i am hesitant to express myself and who is ahre this with as some people can be so cruel and evil minded.. i am traumatized for life

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Can you believe my aunt (uncle's wife) said this behind my back after I told her I knew him before: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SLEEP AROUND, YOU GET RAPED!! (Really? Cause I don't sleep around, I've had one boyfriend who threatened and stalked me a lot and plus this guy whose raped me multiple times) But thanks for ASSUMING this.

Or how about : ONLY MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE GET RAPED!! DON"T HELP HER, IT'S TOO LATE FOR HER!! SHE"S ALREADY MENTALLY ILL!! (Oh i see, since my mother is mentally ill and psychotic, then it already passed down to me since I was raped multiple times by the same person?) That makes sense...

Here's the WORST one she said to my father: IF SHE WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD, SHE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO AVOID THESE SITUATIONS!! Actually, if you were educated or went through it yourself, you would know otherwise. It affects you more as time goes by if you never told adults or anyone in authority who can get you help. You actually become more secretive and quiet about these things since you never told on anyone before! You're not even sure who to trust or believe in! In fact, is it possible that this could've happened to you so you're in denial of it cause then that means a crime was committed against you too?

How about when she passed by and heard me on the phone:WHAT KIND OF RAPE VICTIM WOULD TALK ABOUT A WEDDING?? For her info, I was in the bridal party and I had to drop out due to the situation being spread through gossip in the church thanks to my other aunt who has a big mouth and can't keep a secret from old judgmental ladies. They think you always have to be depressed and sad 24/7 and not talk to a friend about anything else but rape and sadness all day. I already had my streaks of deep depression that she missed. Maybe she would shut her mouth if she witnessed that!! AND WE'RE GOING TO FEEL EXTREMELY LONELY AND DEPRESSED WHEN WE'RE ALONE ANYWAY!! And she's never heard me on the phone when I am crying and sad in the room, so HOW CAN SHE JUDGE ME OFF OF ONE CONVO? I'm trying to feel and act normal again and she's here trying to convince me and everyone else that IT"S WRONG!!!

I think she needs therapy....

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Hmmm let me think...There's the classic 'Did you like it?' ( I was nine years old!!!!)....and I think I've had the 'Did you tell him no?'

Those are the only ones I can remember right now.

Sigh.

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i feel the most invalidating thing is people trying to hug you when theyv just been invalidating or insenstive or cruel. i feel so bad when peolple try and invade my space and be so over personal when clearly the last thing i want is them anywhere near me. i hate it just as much when people do that online also, it feels like touching, like a violation of personal space and it makes me feel sick. its so dismissive and shows that they clearly havnt heard me or have any genuine regard for me and my right to space

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You have not integrated your sexual abuse yet???? :shrug::shrug::shrug: Like what is that supposed to mean? Since told this person off numerous times.

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Once I finally got up the nerve to tell my ex-stalker's gf that he'd done stuff to me in my sleep. I felt like I needed to at least warn her, or something. And she was like "I don't get it, you're making it sound like he r*ped you." Um YEAH that was on purpose. I can't be too mad at her because she had problems of her own and he'd done some of the same things to her too she hadn't processed yet. But that line still sticks in my head.

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when people deny the truth, and deny their own responsibility, thats hugely invalidating

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"There was no breach of confidentiality"

Ah, yes there was. Just because it was legal doesn't mean it was right. And I got hurt because of it. Thanks for believing me.

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This is a good venting post...here are some of mine

"I've told you for years that alcohol is evil. If you weren't drinking, this never would have happened. You have to remember that there are consequences for your actions"- Mom

From "friends"

"If you get drunk at a frat house dressed like that you're asking for it"

"You weren't even raped, it's not that big of a deal"

-you're right, sa is just a picnic

-"Just because you said no doesn't mean anything. You could have pushed him off"

- "Are you sure you didn't want to? Maybe this is just your way of coping with feeling guilty"

- "That's nothing compared to what some people go through"

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I think what hurt the most was when my sister responded with "well, he said he didn't do it" a while after she found out what he had done to me. As if she just expected him to admit it.

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My mom: "He would NEVER want to hurt you!" Really?

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"When did you realize he was intentionally abusing you?"

(From my mom- mostly she was just ignorant. I think she meant what made you think he was sadistic instead of just out of control. I'm not sure. It just sounded really stupid to me.)

My Reply: "Well....he was sexually abusing me..."

Edited by melsv

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Oh, yeah...I also forgot to add, "Everything happens for a reason."

I think that's one of the worst ones...

WTF?????!!!!

Edited by melsv

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____ grew up in an abusive home too, but she grew out of it. She knows how to love. You don't. Everything you say and do -

(pause as I punch him in the face, then immediately crumple into a ball and sob, shocked by what I just did - because I DON'T do that)

I don't think you understand what I was trying to say, he said calmly. I let him continue, even though I knew what would come next: Everything you've said tonight indicates to me that you are nothing but a victim. It's all you'll ever be. I thought you'd be better by now. You're worse.

Minutes later, I screamed to him that he was an abuser. He said, "I'm not the one beating people in the face", and left.

There was more, but anyway, he's a jerk. :tear:

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Originally posted by Clarissa

Another stupid thing someone said was "if you didnt try to look good, boys wouldnt pay that kind of attention to you".... um, yeah, well hygiene is just a little important, dont you think?

....hmmm....sounds like we know people in common. Like if we look all gross and nasty people will leave us alone, how nice. I have had this one said to me many times...it pisses me off every time.

The one I always got and still get at times is: "I see why he picked you, you're really pretty."

Was that supposed to make me feel better?!?! People really don’t think before speaking do they?

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I told my best friend about my most recent assault and she said "you need better friends" and I told her my only friend at the party had left and I didn't know but he couldn't have done anything if he had been there so she told me I was "dumb for going to a party with strangers" and I told her I had gone with a friend so she once again replied "you need better friends" so I said "I have good friends and their better than you" we havent spoken since.

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Does that fu*king IDIOT of a boss know you could nail his balls to the wall if you pressed the issue?!?!?! I would be tempted to talk to Human Resources about "sensitivty training"... bet he'd shape up then! Not to mention the reference to your best friend could be perceived as sexula harrassment what an inconsiderate jerk, to say the least. Sad thing is, I've heard female coworkers make comments about women who come into the ER post-rape... to the effect of:

"Well, if she wouldn't have been at the bar/back alley/bad part of town, this would have never happened!"

AND these are NURSES?!?!?!

How can people be so cruel and thoughtless? I guess I just should hope and pray it never happens to them... and someday when I have the guts, speak up about my own past.

*Sigh *rolls eyes

Do you work in the ER? I hope to be a sane Nurse when I get through Nursing school.

I am a nursing student, and I had an instructor tell me" You have to leave your emotional baggage at the door if you ever expect to make it through Nursing School." Uh, b*tch I am trying. I got triggered putting a Foley Catheter into a male dummy. And I ran from the room screaming and crying. But at that time I didn't tell her I'd been raped only 3 months ago. I just kept my mouth shut and managed to move on to the next chapter in the program.

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"It could be worse" - of course it could be worse! :duh:

No matter how bad anything is, it could always be worse but seriously, someone says that and I hear the sentence completed as follows:

"It could be worse, it was only r*pe"

A lot of that is probably me doing the minimizing thing but still - arrggghhh!!!!

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When I was upset my mother said "What's wrong with you now? Is it about that old sh*t again". (She's still with my stepfather)

A colleague in work "We don't have depression in South Africa, we have this thing called 'getting over it'" Just a random comment

at uni a friend told me what a mutual acquaintance, who I know didn't like me, said - "she's making it (the abuse) up. If it really happened she wouldn't talk about it or be in contact with her family" - my response now is "1. Not talking is damaging, 2. He stole my childhood, I'm not losing my family too." I was so low at the time my thought was what kind of person does she think I am, what have I done to give her such a low opinion of me that she thinks I'd make it up?

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"It could be worse" - of course it could be worse! :duh:

No matter how bad anything is, it could always be worse but seriously, someone says that and I hear the sentence completed as follows:

"It could be worse, it was only r*pe"

A lot of that is probably me doing the minimizing thing but still - arrggghhh!!!!

Its them doing the minimizing in my oppinion. I hate it when people say that too

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My list:

*triggering*

Said by an ex friend of mine the morning I got home from the hospital ( a neighbor came into my house while I was sleeping) , and had called for support:

"So what do you want me to do about it?... Do you want me to fix you?"

Like I'm a broken toy?

Said to me by a nurse as I was crying hysterically in the "quiet room":

Your too old to be reacting this way, grow up.

Other comments I've gotten:

Why are you allowing these things to affect you?

Its not what happens to you that matters, its how you react.

You are completely responsible for what happens in your life.

Other people have bad lives too, you think your so F*cking special?

Your too sensitive, you need to be stronger.

I think PTSD is a made up illness. Everyone goes through bad sh*t, how come its only the few who seem to have problems? They're just weak, that's all.

Your just looking for someone to take care of you.

(Said to me by an ex friend who was still living with parents at the age of 28, with no car and no job - oh BTW I was living in my own house and working full time and going to school full time - yet I wanted this person to take care of me????)

If you don't forgive both you and him are going to hell.

Said to me by a family member who knew about my childhood rapes but did nothing to stop them:

"I've gotten over it and moved on, why can't you?"

and

"I think you need to stop thinking about your own pain for a moment and think about your poor father, maybe try to understand the pain he must have been in to do these things. Understanding where he's coming from might help you get over it" :!: HELLO!!!!

Said to me by a family member who is a sponsor in AA:

"You know, we have a saying for situations like this : "Quit your stinking thinking"

Did I mention she used to also do rape crisis telephone lines?

:shrug: I dunno, maybe I just attract all the "smart" people.

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