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  1. GRAPHIC After I returned home from Vegas, I went straight to working and trying to stay as busy as I could so I didn't have time to think or be alone. It was 2012 and I was working on and off for a few different restaurants and sometimes I even worked two different restaurants a day; working double shifts just to try to stay as busy and surrounded by as many people as I could. I would even hang with friends from work as much as I could just so I didn't have to be alone after. I was always terrified and on edge. He had insinuated that he was going to make me do things with him again. So
  2. GRAPHIC I have decided to write about the individual experiences I have had with other questionable situations I was in. Some of these things have really been bothering me and I hope giving them an actual written outlet besides a snippet of "oh, this happened too but it's not a big deal" because it is really bothering me lately. I think it had been overshadowed by my more violent trauma. My head is spinning with self blame, shame, grief. I just wish I could have realized things and spoke up for myself more. Some of these things I wrote a little about in previous entries but I just
  3. REALLY GRAPHIC It has been a long few weeks of intrusive, random memories coming back to me that I for some reason never put a lot of thought into back then or blocked from my mind for whatever reason. Plus the pieces of memories I have that don't have a beginning or an end to their story and it only makes it more confusing and uncomfortable. Just need to jot them down as I remember to make sense of my thoughts so it doesn't become too hectic in my head I remember inappropriate things he did as a teacher in high school: -Talking about how he had a large di*k (wtf. everyon
  4. Hi everyone, I did read the rules, though I’m still unsure of what I can really say. Apologies in advance if I do anything wrong. Last week I was raped. I’m not ready to go into specific details, but I am having a really hard time and I don’t know anyone that has been assaulted so I’m really struggling. I’m safe now and at home. I sort of know the person who raped me, we had seen each other around campus. I accepted a ride because it was cold out, and that’s where things went wrong. I chose not to go to the hospital and I haven’t told anyone. I’m still in a lot of pain physicall
  5. Hi all, I'm new here and excited to get started on my journey of healing. It's been five years since I was raped by my partner at the time and have gone to therapy consistently since. I hope from this online forum I will find some inner peace that I haven't been able to achieve on my own. I'm proud of myself and how far I have come over these past 5 years, but will it ever stop replaying in my mind? Looking to help others and for some guidance from those who can give me some tips! Blessed to be here and thankful to have found this outlet to help.
  6. I am not new to this community. I have tried to do a blog before but failed at it. Recent events have brought me back here and I feel that it is important for me to do this. My therapist said a blog is kind of like a journal entry and you can write whatever, so I think I will share the recent events that have brought me to do the blog and a bit about my background. At the age of 4 I began to be sexually abused along with my brother by our babysitter, mother and her many boyfriends. Growing up in foster care from the age 6-10 some of the abuse continued for me and at times with him as well
  7. Also posted in Share Your Story: Installment Two: The Party I am now fast-forwarding, (or rewinding, depending on how old I was in your minds upon completing reading of the first installment) to when I was seventeen years old as I bring to you all, installment 2 of my story. This is the full, uncensored version of what was shared back in 2007. One would think that as time goes on, you’re likely to forget some details. While that may be the case for some, I WISH that was true for me. Time has gone on, but in some ways, remained stationary – frozen, almost
  8. GRAPHIC For eight months total, DS still kept talking to me here and there, never giving up. Asking again if he could see me when he came home for military leave. This stressed me out so much because as much as I liked him, I was too ashamed to meet him in person. I didn't want him to see me. Or know me, for real. I didn't want to be taken advantage of again. Or him regret meeting me. Worse, I didn't want him to like me still for some reason and I end up ruining his life in one of the millions of ways I thought possible already. He must have told his father about me (!) because his dad
  9. GRAPHIC In 2011, I was not with N anymore. We were still friends and had hung out a few times. Probably slept together one or a few of those times because I didn't care about me. I was working a lot. Sometimes two jobs, double shifts. Trying to stay busy. At this point, I was living in my grandmas house again. I had a lot of alone time since they were not home for chunks of time. My grandma worked a lot and her husband worked for an airline. They also traveled a bit. I liked the privacy and the solace though. Until the second rape. As unreal as it still feels to think about and type. F
  10. GRAPHIC MARCH 30, 2009 It was a dreary day. End of March my senior year. I decided I wanted to skip my morning classes this day because my boyfriend wasn't coming that morning anyways. We had our own building on this high school campus for this college program I was a part of. It was on the corner of campus, but sort of isolated from the other buildings, of course. I smoked some weed across the street where everyone smoked cigs before school. I was alone though. I remember walking around outside, calling N and he didn't answer. I wanted to skip that morning and go see him but instead
  11. My husband is amazing. But recently he read my very personal, private journal without my permission. Needless to say he is now traumatized and even though he is a veteran who has his own traumas, this is what has sent him into therapy. I feel so much shame and guilt. One thing that has come up is the fact that the one thing he knew about me in high school was that "I would have sex at school in the parking lot". I never ever would do anything like that. I was a virgin until 3 months before I was raped. I had absolutely no experience. I was, however, raped in that parking lot. And that has
  12. How did you feel the first time you were validated? From my own experience and so many others I know, the answer seems to be 'relieved'. Living with a truth you know to be real, all by yourself, can be lonely, tormenting, frustrating and confusing. Then you find a voice, risk using it and someone says, "I believe you". They then offer support you never thought you deserved or were entitled to, they validate your trauma and the aftermath you carry and offer the comfort you've craved for far too long. Your strange behaviours are finally understood and that relieves the pressure to perform in you
  13. I woke up this morning with the usual nest of 'bed head' hair plastered across a slightly puffy, 'pillow wrinkle' marked face that hasn't worn make-up for 10 months and had a revelation of sorts - and it relates to the fact that I couldn't give a flying shite that I continue to look like a bit of a mess throughout the day. What others see on the outside has never been a priority to me (or my husband...thankfully), and I certainly don't judge a book by its cover, but comments can hurt, cause/feed damage and be triggering when deep-seated, complex issues are involved. Those dreaded co
  14. I'm on a roll, it seems, with these blogs. I simply have too much time to think these days. It seems it's all I do. When something baffles me - this is my drawing board. I'm reminded of the evidence room whiteboard with scribbled notes and pictures and the strings connecting one to the other....that is an accurate assessment of my brain right now. There's all this information, all these images. I know there's more to it, and so I'm constantly and obsessively going over it. Over, and over again. First off, I wanna thank those who provided me with the requested hugs and who checked i
  15. Hello everyone, I'm conflicted about feeling joy that this site exists, but i am happy to have found you all. You can refer to me as Chump. I am here because I know I have been denying myself by avoiding seeking support outside of therapy, but I have known for a while that I need it. This pain and weight has been affecting ever fiber of my being and I am struggling to figure out who I am in the aftermath. I'm a survivor of sexual assault and rape and I really have not been able to open up much about it, even in therapy now that I realize it. I hope being here will help me and others feel
  16. Hello, all. Did you all enjoy NOT hearing about my schoolwork? I hope so, because I HAVE enjoyed not bitching about certain classes and papers that I really didn't want to write. Of course, these were for the 'required' classes not pertaining to my social work major and it would only be natural for me to complain about those. I will say though, that when I return to campus in a couple weeks, I'll be TRYING to refrain from giving my (former) Government professor a glare for giving me the only B grade of my last semester - it was a damned B-PLUS, he couldn't have let me have the A-minus
  17. Writing out these thoughts has been tough, not just because I'm finally coming to terms with a part of my childhood I forso long hoped would just disappear, but I'm having trouble putting it down in words. And I know that at some future date when I am comfortable with the idea of sharing this blog's contents with Ls and Lb, I don't want to hurt them more. Even now, all these years later, I'm trying to shield them from the pain my csa may cause them. I know I'm not responsible for it. I cannot continue to play the roll of preschooler RR, taking care of everyone else's feelings like my own don't
  18. My whole life there has been a safety net underneath me put there by mostly well-intentioned people. The thing is that my whole life the safety net has had some major flaws in it. Holes big enough for me to fall through. One of the tenants of good touch/bad touch education is to empower kids to not keep the secret of csa to themselves. A major problem with this is that some "bad touch" was ok. How do you explain in a clear way that an exam by a doctor is different than the "tickling secret" you have with your creepy uncle? Again, we are back to spanking-yes, Rubbing-no. How do you empower
  19. I think it’s time. Let me back up a bit. First, I want to say hello to all of you and say that I hope you’re enjoying the impending holiday season! I love the holidays and I’m looking forward to my mini vacation next week. That being said, I want to let you all know that I am taking a few days away from AS. If you’re someone that I see around a lot on the boards, or talk to frequently, just know that I will return! I am leaving next week to drive to Nashville, Tennessee for a church conference. I am SO looking forward to this! I’m going to meet new people, see old friends, and enjoy a bre
  20. It's june already.. my birthday just around the corner.. i don't know what to do.. how to deal with my trauma... i was raped a week after my birthday.. my trauma already come out and haunted my days.. i don't have anyone to talk to.. imsomnia .. depression.. I don't wanna talk to my family.. they don't even believe me.. how will i cope with this situations.... 😭😭😭 Lately i can't sleep.. i feel worthless.. useless.. i hate my self... i can't do this.. Anyways.. i don't have others choice .. i need to struggle.. no one will help me.. only me.. myself.. To everyone that on
  21. When I posted my story I wasn't prepared for the response I had so I appreciate every one of you that reads this. I feel less alone. So now I want to open up more to everyone. The first So most people know when you say no to someone who wants sex or say stop i don't want this it's considered rape. Well not me. My ex BF raped me I said no. I said stop. He didn't listen. If he would have done it with a condom maybe i would have been okay with it i don't know. I missed my period that month and went a few weeks thinking i was pregnant. I also suffered really severe stomach pains. Where was he then
  22. I can't stop it. I can't stop making myself bleed. It's getting worse, it's running down my legs just like when I was child. I don't know why I do it. But I keep doing it I need to stop. It's already so damaged It's so fucked up. I'm so fucked up.
  23. I'm not sure which to believe, first. The fact that I received an email from the University that I applied to transfer into this coming fall - at 12:02am in the morning. Someone was apparently in the office VERY late, despite this coming week being Spring Break... Or.... .....that I've been accepted for the Fall 2019 term and will be working toward my Bachelor's of Science in Social Work. I've previously made this goal of mine known - but until a few nights ago, it was simply that - just a goal. I knew that there were going to be additional processes behind it. There
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