amallison0084

My brother was my best friend he was supposed to come here this year and spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my daughter and I. since he took his life he took that away from me and from my daughter. I am still trying to find my place in the world without him. going through the recent sexual assult I would have turned to him but hes not there. im alone in my head trying to wrap my brain around everything that has happened. I just don't know how to stay strong and im exhausted. why couldn't he care enough to stay here reach out to me I would have done anything, ANYTHING, in my ability to help him and support him. but he didn't give me that chance. I lost the only family I had besides my daughter.thats what he took to his niece being able to know him and love him and in return his love for her. I don't want to have to work through this assult alone but I guess I am meant to. I don't know where else I could get the support I get here as AS. I don't feel so alone and I am so THANKFUL for this and the lovely people here. its sad to know others are hurting and been hurt but in a strange way I guess feels good that at least someone out there knows what I am going through.

well, trying to do everything in my power to make things right and mend the bridges I have burnt. not sure if it is working but I guess its going to be worth the try. Since my brother took his life in march I realize just how much I miss him in my life. I find myself doing things and then random thoughts about him sneak in. I still grieve the loss of my best friend. I am saddened because my daughter doesn't get to know him and he would of loved her. she kept him drug free for 9 months. but when in the hospital my grandmother told him that he was not welcome at the hospital. we had planned on him being there for the birth of his niece. after she went off on him he went and got high. he knew he was not allowed around my daughter until he was clean and sober. I went back to Utah when she was about 2 years old and he finally got to meet her. he loved it he played with her and that is a memory I will always have. after what happened well now 3 weeks ago, the sexual assult by someone who was supposed to be my friend. I just want to lie in the corner and cry avoid anyone and everyone. I feel so alone right now and I feel like I don't deserve the support anymore because of bad choices I myself made. I cant fix it but hopefully in time can begin to mend my bridges that I burnt. I know it will never be the same but I did this to myself I must take the responsibility it was no one elses fault just me. I have come to accept this fact, but feel so alone now. I am so tired of trying and it doesn't seem to be mending anything at this point. things have to get better it cant always be bad. it killed me when I went to Utah to burry my brother. he is buried right next to Ashlie, my oldest daughter that passed when she wasfour. therefore I had to visit her grave and I didn't feel ready. its been 15 years since I lost her and buried her but the pain was so hard to deal with. the only peace I get from this is that my brother is up there watching over Ashlie and Kim and myself..

@Capulet or @Iheartcupcakes would be able to explain it better. but it is great to know your not alone and that you have support through the holidays.

last year we did an awesome thing. holiday buddies. I think it would be a great thing to do again this year. I can not participate but it may help other members it helped me last year

I can overcome this too

i decided to take a break from AS hoping maybe i could heal and deal with myself and problems without being a burden to someone else. i have tried as hard as i could to stay away because i felt like all i was doing was upsetting others, that i didnt belong here anymore, lost and thought if i just push it out of my head it would all go away. it didnt work as much as i hoped. since i have been away several things have gone on that i guess made me come back to seek understanding and not feel so alone anymore, damn i hope this helps. somebody that was like a grandfather to me passed. he was the last support i had. i couldnt say goodbye because he was on life support and when i tried to go to say good bye it ended up hurting me and caused major memories of Ashlie when she was on life support. her birthday is coming up and i am having a hard time trying to deal with that as well. the flashbacks have gotten so bad that at times i cant even get out of bed. the depression isnt helping. i have gone days without eating and i know that is unhealthy but its something i struggle with and with everything going on im just shutting down. i dont know where to turn or who would even take the time to stand by me, i feel like im not worthy of that. that i deserve to be alone. i am just so lost in this world anymore. i dont even see me having a place with in it. i feel like all i am good for is for someone elses pleasure. that s all i have ever been good for and i have had it hammered into my head which is why i guess i am just accepting that fact. i wonder will i ever belong anywhere. i am just lost right now and trying to find my way.

@Bluesclues. yes he is a psych doctor with an actual degree. yes he took me off ALL meds and i take 9 different medications. although i dont like being on medication the way he did it was uncalled for and in my opinion unethical. currently yes i have to take meds but do hope to come off of them if able to in the future. i was beyound pissed off but there was nothing i could do. what he did was dangerous and could have been worse than what it was. yes i told him that he was either putting me back on them or putting me in the hospital. i knew one way or the other i didnt care which but i couldnt take it anymore. i am looking into getting a different one.

i tried really hard to get the refill to last me until i was able to see him. i am still looking for a new psych doctor. as i said i think what he did was dangerous and was not thought through properly. i guess looking back yes i was demanding but i had to speak up because i knew that i couldnt stay safe anymore. i am doing better but still not where i need to be. its still up and down because the meds are getting back into my system. the nightmares have become to much to handle. i have to contact the agency twice a day again or else be put on a 48 hour hold. since i have a child i cant let that happen. so i am still trying to fight for myself. thanks for your comment it is appreciated

Well, I finally decided it was time to write again. My life has been hell to say the least for the last week. I am on medication and a lot all for my mental health. i have meds that help with my PTSD, anxiety, anti depressants, sleeping, nightmares/ flashbacks,, hallucintations/voices, a medication to help with the sideaffects and one that is supposed to inhance the meds that i take. i hate taking medication but i know i need them and have come to accept that fact. well, i pick up my meds for two weeks at a time. so naturally i go in last thursday to pick them up. they werent ready and they had already tried to reach my psych doctor twice with no answer. ok thats fine. so they were not ready. so i called on friday to make sure they are ready to pick up. i got the shock of my life. the doctor refused to fill them until he saw me again. that is bullshit i was beyond pissed. i have just spent the entire weekend awake for five days i had no medication in my system. i didnt think i was going to make it through it. i had to make arrangements for my daughter to stay some where safe in case i had to go into the hospital. it got bad couldnt eat couldnt sleep, the voices got out of control as did the hallucinations and anxiety. well, i had both therapy and seeing the doctor on tuesday. i feel so bad for my therapist. by the time i saw her i was so out of it i didnt know which was up and which was down. i dont remember our entire session just bits and pieces. i was so out of it that i remember talking about my hair and sitting there crying because it was dirty. i dont remember much more. i do know tuesday when i see her again i will be apologizing to her because i know that it couldnt have been a comfortable or easy session for her. i finally got to see my doctor later on tuesday. i went in and before he could even say i word, i said look we have two options today. we are either putting my meds back into my system or he needed to admit me to the hospital i knew i had gotten to the point i could no longer keep myself safe. he said he didnt like me off my meds because i was demanding. im like no kidding put yourself in my shoes and lets see how you handle it.i asked him why he did this and although in a way i understand why but there should been a safer way to go about this. his reasoning behind it was because he was not the original doctor who prescribed them and he wanted to make sure i needed them. Really, why the hell do you think im on them?!! i do understand but really should have been safer about it. i am looking for a new psych doctor because im not risking going through this hell again, im just not strong enough. thankfully i am back on them but they are not at the proper doses he had to put me on three of them on a lower dose to start with. one is the nightmare/flashback one. and he said that it will be a few days before i start feeling better. i just am pissed how this went down. other than that, i ahave been struggling with self harm. i feel so alone anymore i dont know maybe i am beyond help and i know for sure i dont deserve it. i feel like all i do is cause more damage even when im trying not to. my mind is still on fast forward. oh well, all i can do is hold on for the ride. i maybe on my own but for now i guess that is how it is meant to be.

During the last couple months my life has fallen apart and my heart shattered to many times to count. i am just done trying to pick up the pieces its like a puzzle and they wont fit anyway. i used to think i was a good person but i guess that was a lie i told myself to keep going. im coming to the realization that im not a very good person but rather some would say toxic and that hurts to say, but like they say the truth hurts. i dont know where to go from here. i guess realizing the things that i am i am begging to question my behaviors that lead to the assults. example... if i hadnt gotten into my moms cabnet that day maybe the assults from her never would have taken place, i understand yes i was four but i should have known there would be consequences to my actions and although i could never have guessed they would be what they were, i did deserve that punishment. i wanted to look at adult things thus my mother teaches adult things. no i question with the other sexual assults even the most recent. what could i have done different to keep it from happening, did i show an interest, i dont know it just sucks that when all said and done i did this to myself and have NOBODY to blame besides myself. i wanted this entry to mean something and i guess it didnt go where i wanted it to other than continueing to realize the truth of the matter, and yes it is crushing to know that im not a good person in anyway shape or form never have been never will be i will always just be toxic.

Well today is Mother's Day and i have been blessed with two little angel girls. although my eldest pasted away i am still now and always will be her mother. my youngest is growing up so fast. mothers day is a bitter sweet day as for one of my angels in heaven and one with me it makes it a sensitive day. my youngest is at that age where she has a million questions about her big sister because she never got to meet her in person. she wants to see the pictures of her big sister and makes comments like she looks like her. well the questions dont get easier that is for sure. so being mothers day my little one made me a card, well two cards. she said she was sorry it wasnt a true card and i told her the one she made is better than any you could buy from a store and that put a smile on her face, which made me feel so proud of her. so anyways, she handed me the first card and said that it was from her. now mind you she is 13 so not a young child. but it was still sweet. then she handed me the second card and it took my breath away and put me in tears. she signed it love your angels, then signed her sisters name and hers. i was so over whelmed with emotions and i broke down and cried. my daughter patted me on the back and said sorry. i looked at her and told her she did nothing wrong it was beautiful and wonderful and meant the world to me. for me this was a learning lesson. that although we may not all be together in our hearts we are. today was special and i will always remember the kind jesture my daughter did from her heart.

Well, as my last entry said i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother recently to suicide. i thought things were getting better, needless to say "SHIT" hit the fan. i extremely close to him and i thought we didnt keep secrets from one another, until this happened. I dont know what to think anymore. i still feel so lost. i know its "ok" to grieve but during this process i am finding myself more and more upset not only with myself for seeing the signs but also for him not reaching out. that is how this came to be. i only check my mail once or twice a month because i really dont get much mail. i went out to get the mail over the weekend and got the mail. i was beyond surprised when i saw a letter from him post marked the week before he took his life. i didnt open it and just sat there and cried. i finally decided to open it and read it. it turns out that my brother didnt just do this out of no where. he wrote in the letter that he wanted me to be strong and understand what happened that pushed him that far.it was all new to me because he never told me things were getting that bad for him and i never asked because everything seemed fine when we talked. its like how stupid could i be its not like ive not been on that same ledge before. that is not an excuse and i know that. i wonder so much if i had gotten that letter earlier if he would still be around. would i still have my best friend would i been able to give him the help and support he needed. i dont know how else to think of it other than this. i let him down i wasnt there for him when he needed me the most. so many nights of tears and memories surround me now. i dont want to get up i just want to lay in bed and hide from the world. such a beautiful soul and kind person has been taken from this world. i have to carry on but right now every time i think i have my feet planted and i can start moving forward something happens and i feel like im taking 2 steps back. the anger is still there and dont know when it will go. but now im even more angry knowing I could help him and i screwed up i wasnt there. im not exactly sure how to deal with this and i wish i wasnt in the position to do so but i am so i have no choice it happened now i have to find a way to deal with the emotions that come from this.

as i sit here and contemplate if i am going to even try to put words down today. Its like i dont know how to express myself anymore. i feel so lost and so alone anymore. i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother. this loss has been devestating for me and im having trouble as to where i do go from here. i really only have the support of my therapist, thats my support system, thats a lot of people huh? i cant turn to my parents for help because i put them both behind bars. its not like i had a choice they did what was inappropriate and they have to face the music now. i watch my little girl sit there and wonder did i ever get to be as content as she is as a child. i dont remember even being cared about outside the relationship my brother and i had. and being loved was not in the cards with my mother. i ask myself what or who i would be if i didnt go through the events-traumas that i had to go through. then i realize that those events have helped mold me into the person i am becoming today. so would i change it.. hmm that one is tricky. i guess its kind of 50/50. i wish nothing happened especially the first time with my mother. however that is the single most painful trauma i had to face, but it taught me the kind of mother i wanted to be and learned then and there what being a parent is not. i was talking to someone i guess will just call a "friend". i was told about a person who downloaded child porn. this hit a nerve but i was going to hear them out. my friend said that this person deserved a second chance because its not like he touched a childed. they then proceeded to tell me that its not that bad also because its not like he committed murder. the was the end i blew up. really??!! in my opinion especially after all i have seen is just beccause you dont touch a child or act on the impulse you are still very much in the wrong. that child went through hell and you download it so you can watch, seriously, come on people. i was then asked cant you just feel empathy and forgive them. i flat said no way in HELL would i ever. i dont get people in the world today they seem to be more and more disgusting. well almost time to go get kiddo, hope all is well with others.

I have never thought that I would be able to be controlled, cant think of a better word, by someone else, let alone not realize it was taking place. I was so very wrong with this thought. I don't know how many times I sat and seen others go through that and always said I wouldn't let that happen or that would never happen to me. Well....it did!! I have I guess you could say an online support group/system. One day I signed in and someone sent me a picture of a teddy bear saying giving you hugs. I thought it was cute and was down at that time so I made sure to thank the person for that kind gesture. Well, this went on for about two weeks log in new picture. One day this person actually decided to talk, well type, to me. They seemed very caring and supportive. The way it was put to me, was that this person rode in like a knight in shinning armor, I did not see that, I was just greatful for the support. We started talking more and more every day. We talked about random things and some serious things. Then it I guess took a wrong turn and I didn't realize what was going on. They started to give me I guess orders but I took it as just trying to help me. I had to change my profile and set it to private and then was told who to allow to see my profile besides them. I put someone that I had been talking to on it and they totally filipped out and was told to remove and block that person. they kept telling me they were trying to help and protect me and these are the only people that are safe to talk to. One night a lets say "CREEP" messaged me. I became terrified because I was having my life threatened and had no clue what to do to get rid of the person so I could feel safe. I turned to this particular person for help. They in return went to someone else and finally was told how to block him from any further messages. I was really shaken and began to question the people I had turned to and talked to, I felt like I didn't know who was "safe". So, they went and told several people not to talk to me that they were the only one that could help me and in time they even got me believing it, not sure how or why. Well the behavior just kept escalating slowly and I wasn't seeing a problem. Another person did however and immedently took it to the admin. I ended up getting a message from admin. I was scared when I saw who it was from because I thought I had done something wrong. (fun fact you don't tell someone with anxiety that you need them to be calm while reading some.. nope that throws up red flags and am unable to be calm.. not a good idea). I finally opened the email and read it. They had stated that several people were concerned about me and this other person because they seemed to be "controlling" my every move. The admin had done a safety check and became very concerned, I wasn't because I wasn't seeing this happening they were just trying to help me is what I continued to tell myself. Admin wrote down what was going on that was controlling.. even to the point where I asked if I could go to the bathroom or go to bed. I always apologized to them and so much more. They wrote that they needed me to picture a scene that this was going on to someone else and asked if I would tell another person that this behavior was safe and appropriate, and there is NO way on this earth I would tell someone else that it was healthy and ok. Admin asked me to talk with my therapist and get her opinion on if she thought it was healthy or controlling and corecieve and I did. After a lot of rereading the message and a ton of thought I finally decided that I needed to get away from this person. So, admin had offered to let me change my identlty as a whole and continue from there, they don't accept multiple accounts so I figured it was serious enough that I needed to. I made one final post that said I was leaving the site and in essence became a "new" person. I do struggle to think if I made the right choice because I know by me leaving I hurt the other person and that saddens me I don't want to hurt others and I know I can be challenging to work with and they took so much time to I thought help me. it makes me sad because it did happen and had said it never would. I am very disappointed In myself for not seeing the signs. I have ended up having to change profile and stop using my original email account. I don't know if im trying to say something I think I just wanted to put it out that even if you don't think it couldn't happen to you, it can and this was a huge wake up call for me. I am still tryin to grieve the loss of my brother and cope with the emotions of seeing my daughters graveside for the first time since I buried her. it has taken a toll on me but this to shall pass right?