I am not new to this community. I have tried to do a blog before but failed at it. Recent events have brought me back here and I feel that it is important for me to do this. My therapist said a blog is kind of like a journal entry and you can write whatever, so I think I will share the recent events that have brought me to do the blog and a bit about my background.
At the age of 4 I began to be sexually abused along with my brother by our babysitter, mother and her many boyfriends. Growing up in foster care from the age 6-10 some of the abuse continued for me and at times with him as well. At times it was forced on us together at others I went through it alone. At the age of 10 I was adopted by my aunt and uncle but my uncle also assulted me. I was put back in foster care at the age of 12 after suffering a miscarrage, due to my uncle. At 15 I was r***ed and got pregnant with my eldest daughter and had her just after i turned 16. Sadly when she was four she was in a car accident by a drunk driver and passed away. A year later i had my youngest daughter and child that was also the result of a r*** by my best friends husband and my ex-wife. i have been sexually assulted a couple times since then. the most recent was 6 months ago. i am in the court process again and am personally tired of doing and going through it.
i have been seeing a therapist for the past two years and working on the csa and recent assults ive been through. We have just actually now gotten to the point of being able to do a trauma line and start working on that csa. Recently my brother that i suffered the csa with and through took his life. leaving me behind saying that it was too much for him to handle and that he wasnt strong enough to deal with the pain and memories anymore and hoped i was able to. So, because of this our work has been put on hold so to speak trying to deal with his passing and work through the grief and the guilt that is going along with it. I say guilt because i have been working on it and fought so hard to do so and break the cycle of abuse with my daughter. I hope that i can do justice through therapy and that i am strong enough to get through it.
I have seen and been through a lot of abuse in my life sexual,mental, emotional, and physical. it has made me who i am both the good and the bad. I am hoping by sharing my story and my thoughts i will be able to give strength to others and maybe find some strength for myself that i need so desperately right now.