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the chains tighten



Well, I've been trying to think of how to write this entry and even more on what to title it, still not sure the title is correct, but I am trying. Since, my brother, who i when through child sexual abuse, physical mental and emotional abuse with took his life the nightmares have come back. they seem to be of the abuse that we went through together. they went away for so long. i dont understand why they have come back now. i have been dealing with the abuse in therapy, well until now because of the stop in progress due to the suicide. i havent self harmed in over a year, i now use a rubber band when i want to self harm and it helps and has kept me from doing things that can lead to permament damage. anyways, since all this has happened, i have had thoughts and urges to go back to doing worse, i havent, but the thoughts and urges ARE there. i have told my therapist this and we are making a plan on what to do when things get bad. i called the crisis line through the agency i go through for the  place i go to get my meds and case management, my therapist is no longer there. anyways, their brillant idea for me to not hurt myself was to suck on sour candy.. really i understand that it "might" be a distraction but it does nothing for the urge or to manage the need for that pain.

tomorrow is thanksgiving. it is the first holiday without my brother. i dont know how to handle it. i havent figured out how to make peace with his suicide. i havent figured out how to deal with the loss of him. i have his ashes so i guess in a way he will be there for it but its not really the same is it? sounds cheesy now that i read that but oh well, it was my chain of thought. i wish he was here, i need him so much. i dont understand it at all. i dont know how to continue with out him. My daughter is heart broken as well. we always imagined thanksgiving or any holiday with him again would be the best thing and best time. that is just a dream now. for me until i got his ashes it was just like we were out of touch and that he was still here that he would be coming back. once i got his ashes it became final. he is gone, there is no chance of him coming back.

as far as therapy goes, we are not really getting into things too heavy because of the holidays. we are dealing with them as they come up. i told her that this holiday season was going to be hard because i was going to be alone and really needed extra support just wasnt sure how or where to turn. i am leaning on my support system but they are also busy because it is the holidays, which is perfectly understandable. its hard to be alone, makes things harder and makes things more depressing. i told my therapist i am trying to break the chains, but the chains are tightening.

thats its for this entry sorry if it makes no sense like i said im doing this like its a journal entry thats what my therapist told me to write a blog like so hopefully fingers crossed she was right.


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