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my heart is breaking



Well, yesterday  was my first Thanksgiving without my brother. As ive written he took his life a couple of months ago. so thus leaving this my first holiday without him. we went through csa together so pretty much everything in my mind and logic should be a peace of cake after that. Boy was i way off track and wrong. i thought i would be able to handle it with style and grace. after all i had his ashes so in a way he was there in "presence". also along that line he was there in spirit that should have been enough for me or anyone i guess. well it wasnt for me. i was so used to even if we werent "together" on the holidays we would call eachother." happy thankgiving bro, wishing you where here. love you miss you im so grateful to have you" a few simple words i know. but those words mean everything now. they are words that i dont get to say anymore to the person on the other end on the line because he isnt there. no one is

my heart is breaking it is shattered. i feel like ive been hit by a sack of bricks and i cant stop crying. i cant seem to find comfort. everyone is telling me remember the good times and things. well i am. even the good memories hurt right now. the one thing i hate to do is cry and that is all i am doing is crying. its like its a flood of tears. im so tired but cant sleep. i wonder if he is looking down on me. i wonder if he knows how bad im hurting right now. how much i miss him. how much i love him.

i feel so alone and cant seem to find comfort nor support any where so thought maybe writing may help who knows maybe someone will have words of encouragement. 


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