Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

760 posts in this topic

From my mother " mountains out of molehills" - and then promptly forgetting it

From my sister "you must have gotten it worse than me"

From a friend "that was the past you have to move on????"

From another friend "he seemed like such a nice man"

Or worse still.....utter silence and nothing else said.

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Or worse still.....utter silence and nothing else said.

:console: (((whitedove)))

That silence is so painful. I've gotten that response before too.

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"Your mother must not have wanted it?????" - heard it a couple of times. As if a 10 yr old should be the standby????????????? GRRRRRRRR

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I was a bit suprised at this one...

I have a close friend who was sadly r*ped about a year ago now. She opens up a tiny but to me occasionally about it, and how it has affected her. Nightmares, triggers etc.

In response I have tried to open up a little bit too... I wasn't r*ped, it was assault. I think she gets the gist of what happened to me... and when she was talking about some things like nightmares I was trying to say I understood where she was coming from.. she kept saying:

"You couldn't possibly understand" and stuff that just made me sad... because it feels like my pain is seen as "inferior". I can't tell her about anything, because I KNOW she would compare me to her and say how much worse she has it.

It makes me second guess myself... but I keep telling myself that all these kind of things DO have very similar effects. Everyone is different though..

Saz x

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(((saz))))

It is painful to hear this. I am sorry - there are similar effects.

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Fortunately, none of these things were said by people close to me ... otherwise, they wouldn't be close anymore:

"Are you sure you didn't lead him on?"

"What were you wearing?"

"Why did you go there in the first place?"

"You had only been with women before ... maybe you were just curious?"

"He's so fine, he could r*pe me anytime!"

"He's so hot, he could get it anytime he wanted ... he wouldn't HAVE to r*pe someone."

* * *

All of the following were said by a former co-worker:

"R*pe victims are partly to blame for being r*ped. If I walked down the street waving $100 bills around, I'm making myself a target to be mugged -- just like a lot of r*pe victims advertise themselves as targets."

[Thanks for that revelation, Einstein. Next time I plan to walk down the street, I'll make sure to leave my body at home.]

"You can heal from r*pe if you really WANT to, but being falsely accused of r*pe can follow you for the rest of your life.

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Are you sure it was rape? I just saw the guy and he didn't have a mark on him

**Um yeah I'm pretty sure me struggling and my black eye and him forcing me to have sex with him is rape.

Why didn't you fight more?

**He hit me once, hard enough to see stars, I didn't want to get knocked out

This was the worst so far, from a so-called friend.

Well you've had sex with alot of people, so why didn't you just say yes and save yourself all this trouble.

**I hung the phone up I had no response

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Nurse: Do you mind needles?

Me: No

Another nurse: No, but she prefers razors

"you need to hit her everytime she SI"

" you sure you haven't read the symptoms on the internet and come back and told me"

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"it's not fair that I should get in trouble for f**king you up when you're already fucked up."

refering to the rape...."he made a bad judgement call"

"if I was on the jury I wouldn't have found him guilty"

"I don't think you can rape your wife"

"the last rape was a vanilla rape"

"its not the worst rape I've heard of"

"you silly girl why did you let him in the house"

"if someone gets raped more than once then there must be something wrong with them"

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from my roommate to me when i was upset a week after my rape:

"what, did you like, get raped AGAIN or something? what are you so upset about?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

from the doctor in the ER doing my rape kit:

"what the hell do you mean you're not going to report it? you want this bastard to run out and do this to other people?! this is your responsibility!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"what were you doing drunk at a party in college? you should know better."

"well it's not like you didn't like it."

"i've heard of way worse. you're lucky you didn't bleed too bad."

"you're a sorority girl, you asked for it."

why do we have to keep being victimized? some people are so heinous! :angry:

Edited by -fuerza-

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My boyfriend used to always tell me to try not to think about it, and move on/forget about it. But the one day i finally was like "u know, when u say that it makes me feel like i shouldnt be upset, and really makes me feel like crap" and he stopped saying it, and learned some more sensitive things to say, my mom tho, when i told her it happened twice with the same guy said "you let it happen TWICE?" that felt really great...

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oh, this one was said by a friend who knows nothing about what i went through. i think if he had known he might not have said it.. but it still hurt. me and my two friends were sitting talking about the romeo and juliet movie, cuz all the english classes read that book, and watched the movie. so my one friend is like "oh me and braden had so much fun watching that movie in class, we kept yelling stuff at the tv. im all like "JUST RAPE HER ALREADY, THATS WHAT WE PAID FOR" how horrible is that. my whole opinion of him changed after he said that. cuz he was laughing like it wasnt nething.. :cry::cry::cry::cry:

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haha i just keep remembering more.. these were both by the same friend.. i told him the story (it was consentual sex until about halfway thru, and then i said stop and he didnt) and how my rapist (who was an ex bf) kept saying it wasnt rape (cuz obviously thats what he would say!) and my friend goes "well.. its not TECHNICALLY rape, but its still f*cked up, he should have stopped when u told him too" actually it is TECHNICALLY rape.. but w.e

and this one, which i know wasnt meant to hurt me, but it still did.. i was explaining about why me and my bf havent had sex and how i want to but cant and explained about flashbacks and triggers and hes like "aww common laura u know he wont do that to you, hes not like doug, u shouldnt let what happened ruin the good things in life" haha obv i know he wouldnt do that to me, otherwise i wouldnt be dating him :blink: and its not like i LET the flashbacks affect me.... they just do. duuhh

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when i told my mom a few days ago about what happened recently

"this can't happen so many times to the one person, i think you're making it up"

no. just. f*cking. NO!

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When I was 16 something happened to me and when I told my mom she said WHAT WERE YOU WEARING! Are you serious are we in 1945! She didnt mean to be like this I love my mom but that made my mind up about the way she views women's rights. Sad I thought so much more of her before that and I think now she realizes how wrong it was but years later when I was abused by my boyfriend her and my Dad were in agreement that I must have liked it since I stayed. So maybe she doesnt see me at all. I have heard it all my new boyfriend told me to get over the abuse I suffered for 6 years because it had been awhile since it happened and I should just start getting over it. How do you get over a flash back or feeling like you cant breathe? I guess I should've asked him for instruction.

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My personal favorites:

~ Friend's younger sister was r*ped, her sister stopped talking to her. I took her under my wing, 6 months pass, let her move in. Within a month, she had party, her drunk friend passed out on couch, I come home, lock my door, go to sleep, her drunk friend opens up door to stranger knocking in the middle of the night, passes back on couch, KM gets r*ped, friend's little sister stops talking to me, blames me, calls me names, offers to talk to his D.A., makes up lies in statements, and is willing to purger herself on the stand against me. 2 things she said that I LOVE.

"You've gone nutty since this happened and I'm not the only one that thinks you've lost it. Obviously your counseling isn't working. I dealt with my r*pe, it took me like all of two weeks."
And... In the statement for the judge, I quote:
"I witnessed 'KM' giving him or*l s*x in the week prior to the r*pe. I don't believe her, she's lying. (then later in the statement) She deserved it"
NONE OF WHICH IS EVEN REMOTELY TRUE and severely affected my case.

~ Coworker and friend: raped by boyfriend years ago, found out mutual coworker/her friend r*ped me, and found out that I reported it.

I can't believe that she would do this TO him. I can't believe that SHE would ruin HIS life.
And in the next paragraph state how "f***ed up" she still is because of her r*pe.

~ The guy who r*ped me slept with anything that moved. I knew a lot of girls/coworkers who told me they slept with him. There were two times I was out with one of the girls he was sleeping w/ and we left the bar and went to his house, watched TV, and then I went home. They would stay and do their business or not... I don't know, nor did I care. His D.A. when speaking to the judge that day in court:

"KM is known as a pimp. She would coerce girls to come over to (assailant's) house and force them and assailant into sexual acts."
At least I'm the pimp and not the ho, right? ;) jk

~ Friend who assailant was sleeping with for over a year at time of r*pe. After she finds out he r*ped me, I allow her to come over. She had been calling and texting him that night to booty call. Instead he chose to break into my apartment and r*pe me. She is very upset.

"I did this to him, now he did it to you. He always wanted me to put my hands over his throat and mouth or vice versa. Since I do it to him, he did that to you. I did this to you. I just don't understand why he doesn't like me. Why did he choose to come over here to be with you and not me? Why won't he like me, why didn't he choose me that night?"
At which point I kept comforting her the whole night. Then she turned on me and lied in statements to the judge about me and stayed with him. I won that night, right?

~ Ex-boyfriend of off and on 5 years. Within two weeks after my r*pe in a phone call.

"You know 'KM', what you need to do is get out there and start "f***ing". "You can't let r*pe get in the way of you f***ng."
Don't even get me started on this boy's ignorance.

~ Ex-boyfriend I was with when I was r*ped:

#1. I was leading up to trial in a couple weeks. I knew my assailant had three opportunities to postpone the trial. I checked my mail one day before I was meeting up with ex. Assailant had postponed it. I was devastated and angry but kept on about my business. I show up. Ex knows it got postponed. I immediately ask about how he's doing and we preceded to talk about him for the next half hour. He then asks me about the postponement and why I'd be angry about it. And I still am calm and pleasant and say... It's just frustrating because I feel like I'm trapped in this process bla bla bla, and I just need to feel angry for the moment and then I'll be good. It's just how it goes. He says

"You were expecting this. I knew it would happen, everyone knew it would happen, even you. I don't think you should be angry. I just don't understand why you are angry, It's not like (assailant) RE-RAPED you or anything!!! Get over it.
I've never felt the wind or my soul knocked out of me from a comment in my life until this one.

#2 Told me a couple months ago that his 'boys' had asked him "If it was worth it to sleep with someone who was r*ped." He then tells me, his answer was:

"NO, I wouldn't recommend it. *shurgs* But I don't regret it in my case."
I forgot that we are all lepers, my bad! ;)

~ My r*pist when he FINALLY got off me and wanted to cuddle. I asked him why he would do this to me. His response delivered with a smirk and a tone:

"Because I knew you didn't want to."
I will never forget the sound of his voice or the delivery in how he said it to me. :angry:

Grr.... KM

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Wow! Those are some harsh blows you've had to endure.

I think a lot of people are just too darn naive by the meanings of words. If you say to someone you know how much pain you feel when you accidently have the hammer hit your thumb instead of the nail, people who have experience that, can identify with the pain. :hammer: But when you mention rape, many dont understand because they haven't had the horrible opportunity of experiencing something you have no control of. That's why i say they are naive, they don't have an understanding what words really mean and what they can cause in damage, because they dont understand and haven't experienced it. And are too darn fixated in their little care-free, unsympathetic lifestyles that they will never see, cause they are too darn naive and stupid. But we have to be greatful that we are so much more than those people, we are intellegent, empathetic and knowledgeable and we have to have people in the world like them to make us realise how much we have and how little they see in life. But still they are idiots and there's not much hope for people like that.

Thanks for sharing with us....

:hug::hug::hug:

Jess

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KM,

I was so infuriated as I read those comments. How incredibly rude, insenstive,and down right invalidating.

I am sorry they were said to you..........and I am sorry that you had the opportunity to cross paths with such f*ckers. (((((((((((((((((((KM)))))))))))))))))))))

I have had some doozies:

"Melissa lead him on. She asked for it." peeps at school

"Melissa was older she was in control" various people at school

"She always had a lot of guy friends and flirted all the time." stupid people at school

"There is no way she was raped because she is still living everyday. I know I were raped I would probably kill myself." a very good friend of mine when I was in high school

"Move on. What is done is done." My very own mother

"Lets not let this get out around town. I don't want my name out there as the mother of the girl who got raped." My mother

"See what you get for making out. You were destined for it." my friend in the neighborhood

Referring to my childhood:

"Melissa you shouldn't dwell on this. You cannot change it. Afterall it happened a long time ago."

My family

"Therapy is for crazy people." friends

"We have put you in and out of therapy and hospitals. Why should this time be any different." parents

"There is no way any of this happened to you. YOU are too strong." various people

"Rape only happens to people who walk down ally ways late at night. Were you walking down an ally way late at night." my father

"Ewww, who would rape you?" my father

"Learn to keep your legs shut and this kind of stuff wouldn't happen." various people

"If it happened that way why didn't you press charges?" my friends.

Too much more I could list. But these I won't forget.

:angry::hammer:

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It's just terrible what people say. Maybe they should say nothing instead of something hurtful? I think among the most astonishing thing ever said to me was by my mother-in-law. She felt it was a magnificent gesture on her part when she "forgave me" for being raped. :ohmy: They'll never get it and we can't help them to understand it. It's something lacking within them, not with us. That's why this site is so important. We get it and it doesn't have to be explained to us for us to get it. Thank heaven for this site! :clap:

:throb: Ashleigh

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the boy who raped me said that "there is no such thing as date rape, you can't rape someone you are dating." his friend joined in the converstation "ancient chines proverb...woman run faster with her dress up than man do with pants down." they thought they were so clever. same rapist at another social event we both attended "she (meaning me) just needed a little help giving it up, but it turns out she likes it rough" that was his justification why he needed to hit me. i just realized i could go on and on. how sad is that.

for all of us who have endured the well meaning comments made in ignorance and the hurtful comments made out of fear and/or spite :bighug::bighug::bighug:

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I was afraid this was too vulgar for AS, so I censored it a bit. Thank you all for reaching out to me and letting me know that you hear me passed the vulgar words. I don't know if I have a lot of words today because I am bawling my eyes out, but I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I haven't experienced this in a while! But I wanted to give some love, cause I feel it from you guys! :(:)

(((((((((((((Vowelgal))))))))))))) :ohmy: How horrible that you had to run into him enough to hear any of those horrible, awful comments! It just isn't right... it is almost insanity! I hear you about the on and on. They accumulate... they seep in... we may forget... but I think they are there somewhere inside us. Most everything is backwards about sexual violence i.e. us having to deal with others' stupidity about it or in your case... having to hear ANY words out of his mouth. Hugs

((((((((((((Ashleigh))))))))))))))))) My lord! I am glad she 'forgave' you. :angry: That makes my stomach ill. I wish they would just shut up! lol Where did they miss that intuition gene, where they 'get' that they probably shouldn't say anything because they don't have constructive things to say. Or even farther fetched.... it isn't about THEM. That's asking a lot, I know! :wink: Hugs

((((((((((((Melissa)))))))))))))))) I hate ignorance! I can hate others words. I am sorry you had to hear such harshness at such an impressionable age... High School is grueling enough in some ways! Did you ask your Dad if he grew up in a barn when he made that alley comment? ;) jk That is just how old school that comment is.

((((((((((((((((Jess)))))))))))))))))) I needed to hear your reply this morning. I woke up in tears and your thoughtful feedback touched my heart. I appreciate you being fair about them not knowing; I agree. I also appreciate you saying that they are naive, stupid, idiots, and not much hope for them; it always makes me feel better when I mentally karate chop someone or give them the gift of re-naming them in my head (F'n f'r, s**th**d, B****, idiot, arse). :P

Again, thank you guys...

KM

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Too many to list here. :(

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(((((((((((((((((((((KM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((KM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

:hug::hug::hug:

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hearing these comments is literally making my stomach turn and repulsive, not to mention infuriating..most importantly disugsted. i am sooo sorry to you all who have had to endure that kind of invalidation...no 1 ever ever ever deserves it...these people don't get it..and hope they never do...but just...pisses me off. i've heard some harsh ones too....but yeah.

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