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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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I did lose part of my leg and I think of it all the time(I am an army vet). ok only broken but..

I am constantly offended that people think that homosexuality relates to pedophelia? i am a straight guy who was raped by a nut as a child. His perversion has nothing to do with my sexuality.

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oh sorry that also has nothing to do with homsexuality.

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Ok.....deep breaths.....

Hi to all.......you'll need a little brief background information to understand the sheer insensitivity of what someone said to me recently. 18 months ago I sustained a spinal cord injury in a horseriding accident - I have no sensation, function or movement below my chest/armpit level. Absolutely nothing. 3 weeks ago, just before Christmas just gone, I was raped by an ex. Just stop and get a visual on that one for a moment (wheelchair...unable to move or resist due to physical paralysis). A so-called "friend" said to me afterwards, "oh well, you can make like it didn't happen because you've no physical sensation of pain and weren't moving like you were trying to stop him"......I mean, for god's sake - my spinal cord is scr***d to start with, and it wasn't like I didn't know what was going on?!

This has made me wonder in myself whether it counts as rape in my case............'cause I wasn't able to resist and was unaware of pain due to lack of sensation below my chest. I think I've written myself into a corner now......and have only managed to confuse myself further...was this "friend" just being insensitive - or what?? Any thoughts??


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nat ....your friend was TOTALLY incensitive.....of course it counts as rape.....if someone is asleep and unable to resist or if they're druged and cant resist it also counts as rape, it doesn't matter if pain is involved.

i also remembered a few comments....hope its ok for me to say....

my witness, didn't want to give evidence and said to the cop "I banged my head and I've forgotten what happened" then he went on to say that he had told the cop blah blah blah that he doesn't want to testify..... and the cop said "I thought you said you couldn't remember anything" (ha, in the end he did give evidence, i think the cop told him to stop thinking bout himself.)

the same witness also said "well at least you know if hes that desparate (to rape me) then he cant be fu*king around."

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Hi Rachael,

Thanks for reply...In my heart I know that what happened to me was rape...as I verbally said "no" very clearly in no uncertain terms, even though I was unable to move or resist due to my previous spinal cord injury...he probably saw me as an "easy mark" for that same reason...and I wouldn't be feeling the way I am at the moment if everything was ok. It's just that when someone (who I thought was a friend) said that I could just make like it didn't happen...and that it was no big deal because I was unable to experience physical pain, it makes me doubt myself, and further shatters my confidence and faith in other people.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and own experiences with me...I've had tears in my eyes just reading the reply and realising that there are some people out there who do actually give a damn!

Go gently,

Nat :type:

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hey nat,

i think all of us wish we could just imagine that it didn't happen...well as you know it just doesn't work that way and you're friend is just talking from complete ignorance...

and i totally agree with you that you were raped by someone who felt you were an "easy mark"... I think alot of rapists rape when they think they can get away with it....they target ppl and they groom others and it seems they have no thought to the fact that they are hurting another person whether its emotionally and/or physically...

youre not alone here...take care of yourself nat.....everyone here gives a damn i guess because unfortunately we can all relate in some way

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Try to remember rape is about power and violence. Not about sex.

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The only person I've ever told and the only comment I've ever gotten:


MY MOTHER: "I don't believe you."

Edited by ivanak56
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Comment from a co-worker:

Wow your father must have had a really small co*k to be able to fit it in you at such a young age.

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<<<<<<Leah>>>>>>>> Wow i was shocked at what someone said to you. How can people be so utterly disgusting and cruel? I'm sorry to hear that was said to you.

My mother's response to when i told her what my father did to me was:

While screaming, she shouted over and over again, " Why does this have to happen to ME? I wish i was dead. Why me? I wanna die!" I wanted to say, hello, right here, this didn't happen to you, it happened to ME.

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the stupidest things people have said to me . . .

Put it in a box and bury it!

yeah its that simple .... :hammer::hammer::hammer:

Move on your letting it rule your life

jeez im sorry! 7 years of torture how dare i feel this way! :duh:

Im frineds with you but im not gonna turn my back on other people please put your differences aside for me!

yeah why dont we all be best friends sure!! p**s off :hammer:

I darent touch you!

yeh cos you can catch been raped!!!!! are you f***ing stupid!

will you be ok if i leave you now (crying ,distraught, and suicidal)

yeah sure ill just watch a comedy ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some people . . . :hammer:

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Edited by lacrymosa
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From a friend:

"What EXACTLY happened?"

(As if the details are that important...)

"I can't believe it"

(Gee, thanks...)

"That's the worst thing anyones ever told me"

(Just make me feel even worse)

"So that's why you're screwed up...it makes sense now"

(Well I'm glad you think it all 'makes sense')

"Do you still think about it then?"

(No, idiot, I can simply click my heels together and forget everything)

My dad:

"What happened? What exactly happened? Did he {insert something sexual here}?"

(Why does it matter so much..the fact is that it happened, why are the details so important?)

"Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell me?"

(I was 8. As if I even knew what was happening, let alone put it into words)

"Where were you? How could it have happened?"

(YOU tell ME. I was a child... how the hell should I know why I was where I was?)

Another friend:

"I wouldn't have thought it would have happened to you. I mean you don't seem effected by it..."

(I didn't realize I had to fit a certain criteria in order to be a victim of csa..)

I've also had many other remarks in regard to sexual assault, such as:

"It's because you're pretty"

"It's flattering really, a lot of guys must think you're pretty" etc etc

Argh there is so much ingnorance in this world, I just feel numb :unsure:

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My dad again when I was crying the other night that I wanted to drop the charges against one of my abusers:

"Well, if you want him to get away with it fine."

:hammer: Oh yeah you know that made me feel better...

Edited by AmyLyn
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I joined a "support" community about 4 years ago (online). It was more generalized than this site, and centered mainly around PTSD for former military members. After several months, I finally attempted to put my story into words and post it. I was terrified of anyone reading it, and went back and forth afterwards, debating about whether I should delete it. I left it for a few days, and some people left supportive responses or said that they understood or had experienced something similar.

But one comment stood out. It said, "that reads like soft porn". That response devastated me. I immediately deleted my post and left the community. I couldn't believe anyone could say something so vile and cruel. I'm sad to admit that I've been silent about my past since that day. I know intellectually that I shouldn't give anyone that much power over me, but emotionally, I'm petrified about sharing my history.

That is awful, I also had an experience with my feelings being invalidated on another survivor board! It took me a long time to open up again, I am glad that I did though. Everyone here has always been supportive to me.

From a friend:

"What EXACTLY happened?"

(As if the details are that important...)

My mother said this to me, I felt like she needed the details to decide for herself if it was rape, but most likely, she would explain it away and add it to her pile of denial with everything else.

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things my husband actually said...

"if you hadnt flown down there for the wedding, and if you hadnt drank at the wedding, it would never have happened"

" if you hadnt been drunk you could have fought him off, did you really try?"

And he wonders why i just told him after 1 1/2 years!!!

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things my husband actually said...

"if you hadnt flown down there for the wedding, and if you hadnt drank at the wedding, it would never have happened"

" if you hadnt been drunk you could have fought him off, did you really try?"

and the final blow...."I dont know if I believe u cause u didnt call the cops"

And he wonders why i just told him after 1 1/2 years!!!

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My Mom:

"I'm getting to be in my golden years, it's time to just drop this. You know? Put the past in the past."

(I guess mending broken ties from the past is out of the question)

My Aunt:

"I don't get it, none of the other kids seemed screwed up about this except you. I don't know why you had to be the one to take it personally."

(maybe they are affected by this, but because they're still under her control there's never any room for healing.)

My Ex:

"Just don't think about it, that's what I would do. If you don't think about it, it won't affect you."

(If it was that easy I would have, but it's not. People who say things like this just bother me.)

My Sister:

"Yea, well you think you had it bad."

(as if what I went through doesn't matter)

High School Friend:

"really? That sucks, so you're not a virgin anymore? I thought you were a virgin."

(can't tell this girl a secret - obviously)

An Ex-Friend talking about her boyfriend

"Maybe I can talk him into giving us a back massage" (I then explained that it would make me feel uncomfortable because it triggered me, then she replied...) "well you don't have to worry about him, he's safe." (I then told her I still didn't want to have it done and she said...) "why not?" (She then proceeded to laugh and make a funny face at me in front of others.

Edited by Haullie
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One of my Ex's said:

Just think...how many ugly girls do you know...that gets raped...

( yeah cuz you know that really makes me feel pretty... :angry: )

My mom said:

Are you sure you weren't dreaming?? You always did have crazy dreams....

( yeah I really was dreaming that your husband beat me and molested me.... :duh: )

My cousin (one of my abusers) said:

Oh you know you liked it...you kept coming back to see me.....

( oh yeah I liked it...that's why you had to gag me and beat me up to stop me from screaming and to punish me when I told...and I was coming back to see my grandmother...so let me guess you are her now??? :tear: )

Edited by Moon Wolf
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Why don't you get over it, forget it and move on?

Its your fault you're not coping. If you would just deal with it, it wouldn't be a problem.

You act like you're something special, all you did was get raped.

How do you think you'll move on when you always obsess about it?

Get over yourself, it can't have been that bad.

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"If your curiousity got the best of you it's ok."


Oh yeah...You know I was curious about getting raped...



Edited by molly9119
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Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, all these ignorant, hurtful comments piss me off royally.

the most hurtful things said to me were:

Are you sure you weren't flirting with him? I was most certainly not...but, even if I was...would that ever give him the Right to rape me?


Why are you so hung up on it now? I'm not shithead...I'm just telling YOU now...I think about it everyday!



Edited by against the current
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