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Found 24 results

  1. Breaking the Silence

    Hello everyone, I am new to AS and this is the first time that I have reached out for support online. I am hoping to connect with others who understand what I have gone through without judgment. I am also eager to hear the coping strategies that everyone uses on their road to recovery! It has been 5 years since I was abused and I am finally speaking about it! I look forward to meeting and chatting with all of you!
  2. New to This

    Hi everyone. I was nearly assaulted over 3 years ago by someone I thought was a friend. I have "dealt" with it as best as I thought I could without reaching out for help. My two most precious people in the world, my husband and my mom, have been enormously supportive. But, I feel like talking to other survivors will help me and hopefully I can be helpful or at least provide an ear/pair of eyes to them as well. I have grappled with what I now see is very common in survivors, especially questioning if I was actually assaulted, guilt and self-blame (this one has been extremely tough), shame (even now I'm going the online route instead of a face to face group), depression, PTSD symptoms, and some of the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced. I recently moved across the country, away from where I lived my entire life and everything I have ever known and changed my line of work. Part of this was to help "forget" what happened. This new experience has opened my eyes in 2 ways. 1. There is no forgetting it, so I need to FORGET THAT IDEA and 2. I need some kind of closure on this and feel this forum will help me figure out what this looks like (a more direct confrontation (long story), therapy, etc). I'm open to any ideas/comments/insights. And please know I'm here for everyone, anytime.
  3. Well, I'm here. How I got to this point is a long story, which I'm still writing down. But I am glad to have found this community to have support whenever I need it. So thank you and thank you in advance for the support.
  4. Hello. New here.

    Hello folks. I’m Alexander, 32, from Virginia. I am a survivor, but having a lot of trouble thriving as of late. I was directed here by a crisis text line after having a nightmare about past abuse. I would get further into what has happened in the past, as well as my story, but I don’t want to trigger anyone. I’m glad to be here, and hoping to receive the kind of support I’ve been looking for.
  5. I Just Got Here

    Hey, I'm Sid, I just turned 21, I live some place very cold. My favorite things to do are watching Youtube for hours on end while cuddling a stuffed elephant (doesn't have a name yet) and my kitten Anatastia! I'm constantly surrounded by soft and fuzzy things and I have coffee instead of blood in me! Please feel free to come say hi! -Sid
  6. Hello

    Just popping in to say hello. I think I made the account a while back but just finally came to visit today. Not really sure what I'm here for as not too sure how ready I am to talk yet, but wanted to say hello regardless Edit: Also, I love Tori Amos.
  7. Hello : first time doing this and a little nervous about this...so here goes.......I my assault was 30 years ago while I was in the navy I had repressed it until about 1 yr ago talk about turning my life upside down I've reached out for counselling on aggressive behavioral issues to no avail being fired on several jobs and excessive drinking and fighting.i had my first trigger and got escorted to a trauma psychologist where I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, I went through the 16 week session ordeal and felt like things were going good I've been out of therapy for about 2 months and things are.starting to resurface again, feeling depressed, anxiety and overwhelmed.
  8. Through The Stages...

    "It is so easy to descend into madness, then opening doors and exposing old wounds..."-Timi Afternoon, umm i am so not good at introductions lol. But my name is Timi! I am a 22 years old african american chick from Louisiana. Currently a junior in college but opt out this semester to better my mental and physical health. I am a incest and child molestation survivor and finally receive professional help through therapy. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, and Bipolar disorder have been plaguing my life every since i was child. I thought i could live with what happen to me, continue to interact with my abuser.... But after a mental breakdown, i knew i could no longer walk in my own shadows. I been lurking on message boards and with the new found strength i now have, i am ready to share my story. I want to help others who dealt with the same pain i have carried for so long. I would love to hear from others and I WANT TO BE CLEAR: My message box IS ALWAYS OPEN. Even if it is something small, like talking about your day. Always know i am here and willing to listen. So follow me through my retelling of my journey, How i transcend through Each Stage to recovery & peace... *Please Note-My grammar is horrible and one of the reasons that i have not participate in messageboards more sooner. Please excuse that because it is one of my insecurities
  9. New Member

    Hi, a new member. Finding my way like everybody else.
  10. New member - Faye

    Hi, I'm Faye. I've been sexually assaulted three times in my life. I'm glad to have found this community; thanks to all of you for making it happen. Feeling alone in the aftermath of a trauma is very painful indeed. It's been almost five years since the last time, but it creeps up on me sometimes, still. The whole election thing - the "grabbing" and the alleged assaults by our almost-President and his sickening words used to deny - really triggered me. I've been dealing with strong memories, and I'm angry, and I'm hurting again, in spite of the time passed. Anyhow. Glad to be here. Thank you.
  11. new here

    Hi all. My name is Brandi and I am a child abuse and sexual abuse survivor. I am 17 years old and I am almost 1 and a half years free. I am a bit nervous to be starting this as ive never fully dealt with it. I have a son who is 3 months old (not from the sexual abuser) I was abused for about 4 years between 7th-10th grade. The middle of tenth grade I finally had proof for my mother as telling her a few times before did not seem to be enough. And I was moved in with my aunt it took almost 6 months for my abuser to move out into his own home and for me to be able to move back into my mothers home. In between all of this I was suffering from depression and anxiety and was very suicidal. My abuser was my step dad who I had known for almost 12 years. He pretty much raised me as my father is nonexistent and has an alcohol problem. I guess I'm just looking for someone, anyone really who can relate instead of judging..
  12. Hello, I am new to this group. This is my first post. I was raped 29 years ago at the age of 18. I delt with it by blaming myself for getting drunk. (Now, I know that's not true, he is the one who took from me what I did not give. He is to blame.) I never reported it, never told my parents. For reasons I can't explain, it's coming up and out now. I am feeling the pain, fear, and panic of my 18 year old self, NOW. The nice people at rape call centers didn't know what to do to help me. I am having trouble finding people like me. Who understand how and why I was able to keep all these painful feelings hidden away for so long, because they did the same thing. I'm sure there are other people like me. I hope to get help here. The help that comes from listening to other people's experiences and stories. The help that comes from hearing how someone was able to move out of the darkness into the light. I don't know how to change myself from victim to survivor. Thank you for reading this. one more thing. I am old, and I am having trouble navigating this site. If anyone has suggestions of where to look, how to look, and what to look for, I'd appreciate it. I don't even know if I am posting this in the right place...
  13. It's complicated..

    **Detailed Story** It feels as though one moment changed my entire identity, stripping away any of my remaining naivety and innocence. But when that mystified encapsulation of fear, anxiety, and anger finally managed to dissipate, I was left with only the framework of who I use to be. I was replicating a girl who disappeared into womanhood without the chance to say goodbye. Inside, this woman is still filled with the fear, anxiety, and anger, but now the remaining cracks are filled with regret. I find myself asking "why did I go out that night?" "why did no one care?" "why didn't I do anything.." My story is complicated because there are no clear lines, but isn't that the thing about rape... I went to a party at a "good" friend's house. I went over early, along with another girl, to hang out before the party started. I wish I could remember more of what happened that night, but some of my later memories are lost due to the alcohol, and the earlier ones due to the passing time. Finally, the people began pouring in. I really liked everyone at the party, but there was one guy there who I had never met but had heard of. He had a reputation of sleeping around and partying all the time. He was not the type of guy I would ever want to hook up with, but hey lucky me, because that night i guess I was his target. Throughout the night he kept hitting on me and trying to always be near me or sitting next to me. I would just politely/ nervously laugh and then proceed to ignore him as he would make crude remarks about my body. After many awkward attempts of trying to get me to go upstairs with him, my friends told him to leave me alone, they knew him much better than I did. I didn't see him for an hour or so, so I continued to talk and drink with my friends. But again, he came up to me trying to get me to go upstairs, and when I would say no he would try to get me to drink me. We went upstairs, but instead of going into the kitchen where some people were drinking, he pulled me to the side and we started kissing. When I realized what I was doing I stopped immediately. He tried to coax me to stay but I said I couldn't because I just broke up with my boyfriend, which was true but wasn't the reason I didn't want to stay. I wish I hadn't been so nice. I went downstairs, where he continued to pursue me for the rest of the night. It was to the point where I was no longer trying to be polite. I should have felt that I was being hunted that night, but I thought I was with my friends and everything was chill. So I continued to drink, and we were eventually smoking too. I eventually found myself sitting alone on the floor up against the wall. I am not sure how long I was there before he sat down next to me and put his arm around me. I think he was talking to me, but I'm not sure I was even responding, I just needed to sit there for a minute. But then suddenly I found myself walking up the top flight of stairs towards the bedrooms. The next thing I can remember is being naked on the bed, being moved around like I was a doll. I still have a flashback of his pale skin glowing in the darkness, the only thing I remember seeing other than the pillow my face was shoved into and his penis when he was trying to get me to perform oral. The whole time this was happening, he kept telling me he wouldn't tell anyone if I didn't. For years, I took this because he was embarrassed or thought I would be, but I realize now that he knew what he was doing to me was wrong. But I didn't need to tell anyone, because my friend and his friend came looking for us. They knocked on the door, it took me a long time to finally be able to put my shirt on, but once I did I walked out of the room and straight down the stairs. He was hiding in the closet, but they knew he was there so he came out. I don't remember much after that, I just fell asleep on the sofa. He told everyone he had sex with me that week at school. People were coming up to me and asking about it, his friends were asking me if I had a good time with him. My friends seemed to feel bad that I was upset (barely speaking off and on for nearly a year) and that I was uncomfortable at just the mention of him, but they continued becoming even closer with him, along with more of my friends as he kept becoming more popular. Nobody really cared to believe that what happened to me was rape, I was just another girl at a party he had sex with. For a while, I believed this too. When I would finally let myself admit that I was raped, I would instantly deny it with, "I wasn't that drunk," "I could have said no that last time," "if it were rape someone would care." Now i am filled with regrets that I didn't speak up for myself, how blind I was to societies perception and constant sexualization of women, and that I wore my rape like a badge of shame for years, and still do at times to this day.
  14. Why Daddy?? SpeakingOut

    Hi All, I am quite new to the site. I hope my blog will benefit myself as well as those reading and following my story. My journey as a sexual abuse survivor started when I was four years old. It stopped for a few years and continued when I was about 9 years old. I reported it when I was 15 years old. For 7 years I was a victim. Im in my early 20's now. One day I just spilled the beans at school to a few of my teachers. Not so nonchalantly as it is coming across now. My father molested and raped me. Some incidents I remember vividly, other are just vague memories. I remember when he used to try to bribe me with material things (cell phones, watches) and money just to get himself into my pants. I did not want any of it. My dignity and self-respect has no price attached to it. It is not for sale. My body is not for sale. Yet I was still forced into sex. Initially when my father used to molest me, stuck his finger inside me, climb on top of me and stuck his penis inside me, I resisted, I fought back. But when I saw it was a losing battle I stopped fighting. I just laid there time after time and just let it happen. No screaming, no saying "NO", no fighting, nothing. That is why I still feel a lot of self blame. Some days I am more overwhelmed by that feelings of guilt than on others. When I think back of how I lost my virginity, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and the image in my head is as clear as if it happened just a few moments ago. My father took my virginity. Sometimes it makes me feel angry. How the heck does one even live with that. I feel your virginity is something sacred. Something special. You should not be forced to give it up. My positive thoughts for today is: None of us deserved the hand we were dealt, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that sounds cliché. Would any of us be able to encourage one another if we did not suffer the "same" fate? Some more traumatic than others. I came across a prayer I would like to share with you all. I have to confess, I never had a real relationship with God. I always wondered where he was during the the abuse. When I was lying half naked in my father's bed. When I was terrified of the blood I saw on my fathers penis after he took my virginity. I am not so angry at God anymore. I talk to him sometimes. I hope you do too. " Heavenly Father I may not understand how everything will work out, but I trust you. I dont see a way, but I know you will make a way. I have faith at this very moment you are touching hearts, opening doors, and lining up the right breaks and opportunities. Things look dark and bleak now, but I have faith my dawn is coming. In Jesus name Amen"
  15. So Hello, I am new, I am hopeful, I am MrPep. I feel like our cruise ship capsized and I finally washed up on this Island. I'm looking for My spouse I know she is around here somewhere. I am looking at all these new faces, what's interesting is I know every single one of you, I love you all and I feel at peace for once. Thank you for having me.
  16. When Does It End?

    It's been six yrs since it happen to me. It was a boyfriend I was with for 6 months. It took 5 years for me to enter into another relationship. This time with another girl. She's amazing, patient, and loving. He was my first boyfriend. Now that I lost weight a lot of guys are nicer to me and it scares me. A guy texted me "sweet dreams" and it set me off wondering why he was being nice and being afraid I had no control of the situation. >< when does this end? It's been 6 years.
  17. This Christmas 2015, with a beautiful full moon and quiet consuming victory, will be burned into my memory for eternity. My healing goals include fulfilling my family karma and ending the inherent chain of abuse. To successfully achieve this goal I must slay multiple demons that thrive upon sucking my soul into their fiery bellies only to regurgitate sabotage and betrayal. This week alone I have slayed multitudes of the blood thirsty beasts crouched in venomous fury awaiting my next breath and calculated action. The demons I speak of dwell in the hearts of my poor family. Their device is to keep the family confused and acting upon ill thoughts of denial and infatuation with magnificent lies they hold in reverence. It has been nearly 45 years since my father raped me as an eleven year old child yet the damage done is ageless. My unconditional love for my family has only allowed them to manipulate a play designed to destroy my spirit and rob me of my life. Today, I have triumphed as a survivor with a cause and will not be silenced by their ignorant whining and protests. In this lonely much misunderstood journey, I have walked alone. The depth of my pain goes to the core and cannot be consoled by common healing avenues. My role is that of the warrior and I will rest only when all children are protected from abuse. When I was young, I tried to bury these ugly memories and behave with sweet complacency. My hope was that I was demented and the abuse did not really happen. I told myself that I was subhuman and was supposed to die in early childhood. I would cry for hours on end and quietly cut myself in places that no one else would see. I believed that I was living on borrowed time. I was sure that my parents secretly wished that they had aborted me so that none of this would come to light. When I was 15 my friend K. W. and I took a joy- ride in the Suburban. When dad caught me he beat me up while screaming how much I was like him and he was going to beat it out of me. I ran away for the night; I don't remember where I went. Mom knew that there was "something wrong with me" and attempted to understand the problem. She sent me to a child psychologist . Back in the 1970's receiving psychological help was stigmatized as a placebo for crazy weak people. I shut down in the therapist's office as soon as I saw the doll house and toys on the floor. I felt disrespected as a young adult and punished as if I were a child by the experience. My problems were much more grown- up than mom could ever imagine. The truth resurfaced when I was 16. Dad approached me in the kitchen as I was readying myself for my waitress shift at the pancake house. He said; "Dasi, I am sorry that I molested you that day in the orchard.". My face must have turned red from terror and fury at the realization that this ugly image and memory that I had tried so hard to forget really happened. I kind of feel sorry for him trying to make- up but, there is a long list of reasons why that is an unreasonable response on my part. One reason is that he actually legally raped me! He always tried to minimize the event and downright denied the multiple other accounts of fondling and abuse. I found myself caught in an endless cycle of self- loathing and self destructive behaviors for which I had no support system to aid in coping. I have confronted my father, my perpetrator twice in my life with unsatisfactory results each time. The first time was in a therapist's office with my first husband there to accompany me. I was pregnant with my one and only child and was ready to end the silence to assure the safety of my unborn baby. My father confessed only to the one count of csa but, not the multiple other counts of abuse. He did however go home afterward to use this information as a weapon to inflict punishment upon my mother. He told mom that he committed csa against me but, minimized it with, "She wanted it!". He then left mom and filed for divorce. Mom was devastated and suffered from severe depression for about 5 years after. Both dad and I knew that she could not handle knowing the truth. This is the very reason I stayed silent long past the statute of limitations. Meanwhile, I made my escape from this unsavory scene by fleeing 2 states away to California with my new family. I continued to attempt to have a "normal" relationship with both my parents and brother with annual visits up north. In the second confrontation I was in my late 30's. We were considering a visit up north. I would normally get suicidal before these trips. This time my suicidal thoughts were just too overwhelming for me to cope with the trip. I called dad crying and told him how truly self destructive it was for me to come visit him. I told him about all my sufferings and that he really actually owed me big time. He responded as predicted. He claimed that he had already paid enough with his own personal suffering over the ordeal. Funny- he never even did prison time like he should have nor had his life destroyed in any visible form. The only way that he could possibly back up such an outrageous claim would be if he had to suffer the ridicule of being a registered sex criminal. I knew that there was nothing that I could do legally at that point. In fact he was enjoying the benefits of the height of his career and certainly had no intention of sharing anything with the daughter he had wronged so deeply. The daughter that had obediently protected him, his career, and the family from the legal punishment and public humiliation which he so richly deserved. It was very difficult but, I realized that for my own survival, I must cut off all communication with my father. His mother and his third wife tried everything in their power to guilt me back into seeing him. They said that he was suffering terribly and that I was being cruel to abandon him this way. (They had no concern for the deep damage that his abuse had done to me!). We went up north the following year to visit mom and my brother's family. My brother and his wife told me how it was killing dad that I had cut him off from my life. We ended up getting into an argument about it and my brother finally called me a liar. He did not believe that dad raped me and ordered me out of his house. He told me to never return and so I did not for nearly 10 years. Since that day dad confessed to my brother as well, but always adds, "She wanted it!". Thereby brainwashing, manipulating, and minimizing the crime to all the people that he has "confessed" to. He never took responsibility for his criminal behaviors. It has been 20 years since I had last seen my father. My paternal grandmother died long ago. Cutting out my father meant that I sadly had to cut off grandma too. My brother and I have since attempted to have a reasonable friendly relationship. It has been awkward and quite uncomfortable at times. My father and brother have also had a very strained relationship in that 20 years and rarely ever saw each other. I had heard through the grapevine that dad has suffered several mini strokes over the past few years. I was informed that he had undergone a major personality shift and would really like to see me again. I have done much healing work on myself and was ready to have some closure with dad. I also want to protect any young people from being sexually assaulted by him. I came prepared for the worst and had done a lot of work- up with my therapist for this visit of redemption. I knew that this could be the final battle with uncertain results or maybe a new beginning with possibly much deserved retribution due to me. I was able to arrange a visit with dad and his current wife last weekend. He has had some mini strokes and has become as gentle as a kitten as a result. This only makes him even more dangerous to any children that he may be around. His mental illness has certainly not gone away as evidenced by the fact that he was checking out my breasts last Saturday. He obviously has never had self control and is only worse than ever now. It was nice to be able to have some quality time with him at his best. It is unfortunate that it required such a dramatic drop in his mental status to be able to have a pleasant time with him. He was normally always mentally abusive and toyingly mean. Now he cannot hold a train of thought long enough to be mentally tormenting anymore. He would attempt to tell me stories about people that I knew from our past but then quickly forget what he was talking about. We went out on the river and he complained of the cold. The man I used to know would never show such weakness even if his toes froze off from frost bite. He can still drive but got us all lost twice on the back roads. Again, he is an accomplished outdoors-man and never got lost on back roads before. All together we had a pleasant visit aside from me having a couple of short PTSD episodes from the experience. I have to be able to talk to his current wife about protecting her grandchildren from this man. She and I are only now getting to know each other. They were only newlyweds when I broke things off with him 20 years ago. She and I had met only once or twice back then. Now that communication lines are open again I intend to call once a week or so until she and I have a good rapport. When I feel that the time is right I will attempt to remind her that it is not safe for her grand kids to be left alone with him. Now that I am strong enough, I will do everything in my power to protect any and all children from him. His csa is no secret among my closer relatives but now I understand that there must be other survivors out there, somewhere. I have not found the other survivors to date. However, from here on I can protect all children from falling prey to him until he dies. It is so sad how the laws protect perpetrators but not survivors or future victims. On Christmas day I reported to mom how my visit with dad went. She is not happy that I have reopened communications with him and his wife. I pointed out to her how the chain of abuse works. I elaborated upon the people that I suspect contributed to the inherited problem and behaviors in my brother and his son that are red flags as well. There is a story about my paternal grandmother giving birth to stillborn twins. My father is the eldest living sibling and I believe that the twins came sometime after him. Anyway, apparently her father made her throw the twins down the outhouse. Talk about dysfunction, huh?! Naturally this was horribly traumatic to my grandmother to be forced into such an act. Well, this makes me think. Were the twins really stillborn and who was the real father anyway? Certainly no part of that story was "normal". I also suspect my paternal grandmother of csa, as does my mother. There was another story about my second eldest uncle. He was out hunting with a friend and supposedly they were crossing a barbed wire fence when the rifle fell down accidentally shooting his friend to death. This brother also was notorious for acting out with his violent temper. He is also suspected of spousal abuse. I am quite familiar with this temper for both me and my brother have inherited a milder version of this problem. All these siblings were raised in the country hunting and fishing daily nearly from birth. They all knew about basic gun safety while hunting. (Side note; one of the favorite games that the boys played was to throw knives "at" each other to see how close they could get to each other.) Granted things were different in eastern Washington back in the 1940s- 1950s but, this goes to family history of dysfunction and abuse. I cited other examples of dad's neglect and abuse toward my brother and me, not to mention our pets. He would take us out fishing in cold weather and make us sit on the bottom of the freezing cold and wet aluminum canoe. I remember begging to go back to the shore and I would be shivering with purple fingers and toes. My teeth would be chattering so hard that I could barely talk. Dad would tell me to shut up and sit my butt back down on the freezing bottom of the canoe. If anything, telling him that I was cold would make him keep us out there longer not shorter. I reminded mom about the stories above related to the high statistics of csa in minors by age 18, the chain of abuse and people in our family that fit the profile, and perpetrators mostly being repeat offenders. I told her that she needs to look at things for herself and not just take people's word for things especially when its all so fishy. She broke down and told me that she could not take anymore! She said that I should just focus on healing myself and leave the rest of the family out of it! She is protecting the males in the family and refusing to see that since they have sided with dad, a known perpetrator, on several occasions that it leaves them open to suspicion as well. I told her that perpetrators will cover for each other. I have been told to shut up by all the males in my family at this point. Of course, I won't shut up until every last child is protected and safe from abuse. The only exception here is my son, who bless his heart, has grown into a mature and respectful adult. He is well liked and has many friends throughout the southern California area. He honors women and is a kind,loving, and devoted partner. He is in a long term relationship with a beautiful woman who mirrors the same respect and kindness as well. Their relationship is an inspiration to me and I hold as a model for what a functional relationship actually looks like. I harbored and protected him away from all the family dysfunction for all of his childhood. It looks like that decision payed off. What I learned from these events is that neither complacent niceness, deep depression spiked with PTSD, nor suicidal thoughts eased by self mutilation, or even outright anger and confrontation could possibly cool my internal volcano. The school system failed me, social services failed me, the legal system had failed me, and most importantly my family had failed me. I had protected them all those years and they have reaped many benefits while I got the shaft. My family always put the whole thing back on me as being "my problem" and therefore skirted their part in perpetuating the chain of abuse. They have not shown an adequate attempt to educate themselves on the subject yet. I have advised them to join aftersilence.org so as to become a functional supportive network and allies in prevention. I eagerly await that day! They prefer to make unreasonable proclamations based on naive concepts and obsolete stigmas. Furthermore, the more I give statistics, quote professional statements, and report personal experiences and observations, the more they continue to betray me on a larger and larger scale. The whole family is now on this journey with me I am no longer alone. The big question is; are they strong enough to survive the truth the way that I was forced to for all these years?
  18. Ready To Connect

    Hi everyone. Just joined this forum as an attempt to make honest connections and share my past. I am looking to give and receive support and hopefully to start healing. Happy to be here.
  19. How Could I Forget?

    The other day my mom asked me "Remember that time you ran away and the cops found you down at that park?" the questions she asked blurred into "I think I know what happened but I 1) can't believe it and 2) Will if you open up to me". She's not so eloquent though and asks things like "How did you get all the way out there?" and "What were you doing out there?". That has always been something that comes up in my memory frequently. But when she asked about this I couldn't bring myself to tell her that the 35 year old man the cops found me in that car with was my first at 12 years old. There are many things I remember distinctly; the taste and smell, his little brother's bunk bed, the way the white of his eyes stood out in the dark, and my favorite was his voice impressions. He could do Donald Duck among other things. I remember the exact cell phone that I had, a small pearl blue one without texting. But I can't remember his face, the car he drove, or the way we met. That has been what is bothering me lately; How could I forget? I can remember the position, scrambling for our clothes, putting on his shirt because I couldn't find mine. The cops asked questions, "No, we didn't do anything". I'm sure that they expected to find two teens escaping to the park but instead found a victimized, confused 12 year old girl with a full grown man. I remember them telling my mom that they couldn't do anything if I said nothing happened. I found and changed to my own shirt and went home. But I can't remember him standing there by the nearby tree, I can't remember how muscular or scrawny he was without his shirt on. It's always bothered me, and sometimes I wonder if I could remember more could I have stopped the other times from happening? Would I have seen the signs? To this day I live guilty that I can't be with a man of the same ethnicity because to me all his is is a full grown man that broke the trust of a young girl. A faceless man with skin, a motive, and a way of making me feel treasured. I can remember his girlfriend's voice when she picked up his phone finally one day. "Who is this?" "This is his girlfriend." "How old are you?". It turned out that she was pregnant with his child. Sometimes I want to sit down with that young woman and tell her I'm sorry that she had to find out her child's father was a pedophile from me in such a crude way. I had no idea at the time how wrong the whole situation was back then, I just knew he was cheating on us. I know all these things, sometimes it all comes back to me in a rush. It's like a nagging feeling that something isn't right. I feel like I need to know his face, how he got me... but I can't remember. It was 12 years ago now and even today I find that the guilt of the experience creeps into my every day life. I have moved on but not moved on, it still hurts. How could I forget things so important?
  20. Statement Of A Butterfly

    We are all born into this world as loving, trusting, pure beings. We possess a genetic and a soul connection to all of our ancestors. We are the culmination of everything that we have ever been as well as all that we can and will ever be. Upon this earthly playground we live, love and have experiences both public and private. We are molded by our unique genome as well as our environmental influences thereafter. We experience ecstasy as well as pain, joy and sadness, heaven and hell. So when it is time for us to die, what then did we gather from all of this life? For those of us who are agnostic or atheist; the question is... "What legacy have we left"? For those of us who are spiritual or religious; the question is..."What contribution have we made to the greater good and what rewards or challenges shall we face in the hereafter?". None of us get a free ride. There is a natural give and take that we all share in this life. Some of us believe in a higher justice and some of us question if there is such a thing. When we are in the midst of our sufferings, faith can be hard to muster. Maybe we think we deserve punishment. There are still others that live with an attitude of entitlement. As if all other beings and nature have evolved only to serve as an instrument of personal satisfaction. Presented to us just for our personal exploitation. Family, friends, life, death- does any of it matter? Is there a God? If so; why do we suffer so much? Perhaps we are all organic miniature libraries circling the infinite main library of the creator. Micro representations of the cosmic macrocosm. If we accept this hypothesis, then what we do and think at all times is recorded and rewritten many times within ourselves and beyond. This IS the model that I subscribe to personally. We all fall, we all make mistakes and we all can get up again and heal wrongs of the past. We have a responsibility to all creation to makes things better and not take more than our share. At this point I am going to divulge some personal information that some may find shocking. This announcement is in the spirit of healing for all those whom have had any similar experiences and need a platform for their voices. My father Lester raped me when I was approximately 12 years old. When he performed this heinous act against me he stole my feminine power and my life in one fell swoop. My life would have gone much differently if this tragedy had not occurred. In the 44 or so years that followed I have done much work on myself and have triumphed as a survivor. My father went on to have his 15 minutes of fame and has been able to live a fulfilling and exciting life. He has played a leading role in saving the peregrine falcon from extinction and blazed the trail for others to continue this important work. His personal contribution to the higher good of the planet is an unquestioned fact. He is a charismatic, handsome and successful character in that particular play. He got away with his crime against me without any visible downside in the public eye. I went on to struggle with lingering PTSD for the following 44 years. In that time I have done much healing work on myself as well as many others along the way. This public announcement is intended to reach any other "targets" out there whom Lester or any other perpetrator may have damaged. If you or someone you know had any alone time with my father as a minor please contact me! Together we can close this chapter of abuse and educate others as to methods in prevention of this kind of sexual crime. This sociopathic behavior can only be prevented if we bring this problem to light for all to see. Most of us survivors are terrorized by the idea of exposing these dark offenses. We most often are ruled by shame and fear that paralyzes us from taking any important bold action. My silence very well may have left other innocent young people unprotected and then later preyed upon by this man. The statistics vary greatly, but generally show that approximately 1/5-1/4 of us have fallen prey to sexual abuse by the age of 18. Most experts agree that all child sex criminals are serial offenders. Most of these predators are people who are close friends or family of these young people. The targets are from all walks of life, all races and can be of either gender. These perpetrators most often "groom" their young prey by establishing special relationships with the children. They make the children feel extra special and usually progress to the inappropriate behaviors with these minors almost in plain sight. In other words the perpetrator is usually trusted by the child's family and therefore allowed to have private time with the minor. The only way for us to protect our children from these kinds of crimes is to educate all of the young and adult public. We have to change laws that are protecting the perpetrators. We must also provide better social services and effective counseling to the families involved. Now that I have spoken my anguish publicly, I may live the rest of my life fully. I will die knowing that I have done everything in my power to contact any other people who have experienced this indignity. Bless you all! The professionals say that according to statistics, I am not the only one. I have not found the other survivors yet. Anyone with any information related to this case or any other similar cases are encouraged to contact me! You might not even realize that you were victimized by this man. You may have warm and fuzzy memories of him because you thought that you were special to him. Please take the time to reconsider what the actual nature of that relationship was. As a united front, we can heal together and end this kind of abuse. Are you brave enough to be a part of the solution? If so, let’s talk. :-) My father's name at that time was Lester He preferred to be called “Les”.
  21. Giving This A Try

    I guess, this is an introduction of sorts. I've been battling the backlash of the past and feel like it's time to actually reach out to anyone who can understand these feelings. I have no idea where to even begin anymore. There are weeks, months even that I feel fine and that I've overcome and all is well. Suddenly, I feel as though I'm back at square one. Here's to hoping I find some clarity.
  22. Time To Heal

    Hi everyone, Im new here my R happened just over a year ago.. and recently went through the traumatic court case! But he was found guilty. now I have to heal....which is going to take awhile! it all happened when i went travelling in Australia... and im still here. I feel like i cant go back to my home town as that is where he was from and ive been getting a lot of greif from his family! i would worry for my safety if i went home! so i feel so alone in a foreign country but part of my healing process i want to help others and go on this long journey with people that understand. I think everyone on here is amazing.... thanks
  23. Hi everybody, hugs and Kisses. My name is Libay, short for Liberty, and I have been living in the States for the past 7 years. I am 33 and moved to the states when I was 26. 3 years ago, I married the love of my life.Yet it was just one year after my wedding that my life changed forever. Sadly, like many of you here, I am a victim but more importantly, I am a survivor. I must confess that when it came down to talking, in order to give information to the Police, I just couldn't. The shame, the humiliation,I found it difficult to even talk to my husband. Because of this, my attackers are still out there, and due to my cowardness, there may be other victims out there becasue the men who attacked me are not behind bars. I know and understand that this it is common for other victims to feel this way. no matter how calm, reassuring and sweet the Police Liason Officer is, it's just impossible to give any details face to face with her. At the same time, perhaps being a Filipina, maybe there are also cultural issues. I'm not saying as a Filipina I feel more humiliated than another victim of a different race, I guess one tends to find more comfort and understanding with the people the feel more attached to. I am in Philadelphia and on a locally based Crisis Centre for Women, there are actually two specific groups for Latino community, and a group for the Asian community. This made me realise that my feelings are most probably shared with other victims who may not be American. Anyway, that is a small introduction about me. Sorry no details. But i feel here, on a forum such as this, I can share more with you all in time. Much more than I could with my husband or the people that tried to get those animals behind bars. Libay
  24. New Around Here

    Hey everyone. I just found out about this forum from my mom, and it seemed like it could be really helpful. I'm a survivor of an assault that happened in January this year in my own dorm building at college, and it's been difficult to deal with. I just wanted to say hello before I explore more around here, and thank you everyone for welcoming me here.
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