I am quite new to the site. I hope my blog will benefit myself as well as those reading and following my story.
My journey as a sexual abuse survivor started when I was four years old. It stopped for a few years and continued when I was about 9 years old. I reported it when I was 15 years old. For 7 years I was a victim. Im in my early 20's now. One day I just spilled the beans at school to a few of my teachers. Not so nonchalantly as it is coming across now. My father molested and raped me. Some incidents I remember vividly, other are just vague memories. I remember when he used to try to bribe me with material things (cell phones, watches) and money just to get himself into my pants. I did not want any of it. My dignity and self-respect has no price attached to it. It is not for sale. My body is not for sale. Yet I was still forced into sex. Initially when my father used to molest me, stuck his finger inside me, climb on top of me and stuck his penis inside me, I resisted, I fought back. But when I saw it was a losing battle I stopped fighting. I just laid there time after time and just let it happen. No screaming, no saying "NO", no fighting, nothing. That is why I still feel a lot of self blame. Some days I am more overwhelmed by that feelings of guilt than on others. When I think back of how I lost my virginity, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and the image in my head is as clear as if it happened just a few moments ago. My father took my virginity. Sometimes it makes me feel angry. How the heck does one even live with that. I feel your virginity is something sacred. Something special. You should not be forced to give it up.
My positive thoughts for today is: None of us deserved the hand we were dealt, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that sounds cliché. Would any of us be able to encourage one another if we did not suffer the "same" fate? Some more traumatic than others.
I came across a prayer I would like to share with you all. I have to confess, I never had a real relationship with God. I always wondered where he was during the the abuse. When I was lying half naked in my father's bed. When I was terrified of the blood I saw on my fathers penis after he took my virginity. I am not so angry at God anymore. I talk to him sometimes. I hope you do too.
" Heavenly Father
I may not understand how everything will work out, but I trust you. I dont see a way, but I know you will make a way. I have faith at this very moment you are touching hearts, opening doors, and lining up the right breaks and opportunities. Things look dark and bleak now, but I have faith my dawn is coming.
In Jesus name Amen"