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Why Daddy?? SpeakingOut

SurvivorChick

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Hi All,

I am quite new to the site. I hope my blog will benefit myself as well as those reading and following my story.

My journey as a sexual abuse survivor started when I was four years old. It stopped for a few years and continued when I was about 9 years old. I reported it when I was 15 years old. For 7 years I was a victim. Im in my early 20's now. One day I just spilled the beans at school to a few of my teachers. Not so nonchalantly as it is coming across now. My father molested and raped me. Some incidents I remember vividly, other are just vague memories. I remember when he used to try to bribe me with material things (cell phones, watches) and money just to get himself into my pants. I did not want any of it. My dignity and self-respect has no price attached to it. It is not for sale. My body is not for sale. Yet I was still forced into sex. Initially when my father used to molest me, stuck his finger inside me, climb on top of me and stuck his penis inside me, I resisted, I fought back. But when I saw it was a losing battle I stopped fighting. I just laid there time after time and just let it happen. No screaming, no saying "NO", no fighting, nothing. That is why I still feel a lot of self blame. Some days I am more overwhelmed by that feelings of guilt than on others. When I think back of how I lost my virginity, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and the image in my head is as clear as if it happened just a few moments ago. My father took my virginity. Sometimes it makes me feel angry. How the heck does one even live with that. I feel your virginity is something sacred. Something special. You should not be forced to give it up.

My positive thoughts for today is: None of us deserved the hand we were dealt, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that sounds cliché. Would any of us be able to encourage one another if we did not suffer the "same" fate? Some more traumatic than others.

I came across a prayer I would like to share with you all. I have to confess, I never had a real relationship with God. I always wondered where he was during the the abuse. When I was lying half naked in my father's bed. When I was terrified of the blood I saw on my fathers penis after he took my virginity. I am not so angry at God anymore. I talk to him sometimes. I hope you do too.

" Heavenly Father

I may not understand how everything will work out, but I trust you. I dont see a way, but I know you will make a way. I have faith at this very moment you are touching hearts, opening doors, and lining up the right breaks  and opportunities. Things look dark and bleak now, but I have faith my dawn is coming.

In Jesus name Amen"



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Hi Survivorchick

I kind of know how you feel, my abuse started when I was 11 when my mothers boyfriend use to come into mine and my sisters bedroom to put her on the potty she was a year or so old.  He use to fiddle with me when i was in bed, i pretended i was asleep so he would know that i knew, as time went on he also sexually touched me but use to whisper that if i didn't let him he would take my sister.  SO i just let him until I was 15 or so, by then I had a son ( I was 14). that is when the beating started too.  Sometimes i sit here and think what do i have to moan about i let him do it to me, I let him touch me and beat me.  Most of the time i believe it was all my fault. I am now 45 and it still goes around my head it was my fault.  But I blame my mother most of all she knew she knew all about it and never ever stopped it.

When I was 17 I told her after drinking a bottle of booze.  She sat there and looked at me and said "I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON"  that has stuck in my brain for all of these years, and even today my mother has never apologize to me and now its too late as the hate for her has grown too much.  Its funny how i dont hate HIM thats the bit i dont understand if i hated him it would have been easier to deal with all my life.  I am here if you need an ear

 

Stay strong

Gentle hugs

Teej

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Thank You TeeJ:) . I am sorry your mother was so ignorant of the situation. Guess mine was too. I am sorry for what happened to you:supportu:.

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Hi SurvivorChick, like you I was 4 to the age of 10 that my father  sexually abused me. I do believe in God, but spent some time being angry at Him. I now know that God gave man free will, my father choice with his free will to abuse me. Where was God when I was being abused, I believe He was with me crying for this is not what he had planned for me.

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