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MeTooo

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    Survivor

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  1. I'm glad You're here:). Carolyn
  2. I totally agree with what other people at AS have said. I also wanted to say that your introduction was not at all rubbish. It is perfect. I always think I don't make sense, but then everyone gets me here. You are okay to feel anyway you feel, even if it's not okay. Like it's been said. It's okay not to feel okay. We have all been there or are there, or like me, seem to jump back and forth. I hope you get the support you are seeking here at AS that is kindly and freely given. (((Hugs))) and love from me. Carolyn
  3. I am a survivor who often feels the same as you. AS has helped me in a ways I never imagined, like I never realized that making connections with other survivors is an important piece in my own recovery puzzle. You are not alone with all of this. At AS I have found genuine support, I feel safe, and get to borrow hope and experience, from really caring survivors. (((Hugs))), Carolyn
  4. You are one strong woman. I love that you yelled at your therapist, and that you worked it out. That's trust. I just had a fight with my therapist too because I didn't feel like she was taking me seriously about all the pain I felt. We worked it out too. Anyway, I love all your visual descriptions of how you feel. I'm no Professional, but I support and honor how you feel now. It's real, it's a process, and you are not alone. Keep telling your truth, keep swearing and keep letting that anger out! (I see relief in your future). I'm sending You lots of love and hugs. Carolyn.
  5. Welcome, to the group:) I am so sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad You're here. I felt the same way about joining an online group. I have not been on the site long, but my experience at AS is that it is safe, respectful, kind, responsive, and understanding. Although I have wonderful professional support, I personally needed to connect with other survivors. I really related to your post. I have a lot in common with you. 1. I was also r:(::(:( when I was 18, a week before I went off to college, during a family vacation to the beach. I never told anyone at the time. I mentioned it to a few friends and therapists over the years but blew it off as no big deal. 2. I am a mom too, although mine are now teenagers (15&17) that come with their own set of needs, but I remember the rigors of having young ones. 3. I am now 47. The Stanford case was the final straw this year that broke me wide open. The young woman's letter to the judge during the sentencing part of the trial made the feelings I never delt with say, "ready or not, here we come..." I'm glad In some ways because the letter made me see and beleive it was not my fault, it was never my fault, I was a victim of a really sh:(:(y person. But her list of all the things he had taken from her and how long it would take to rebuild also made me realize I was living with.... 4. PTSD from trauma. Sometimes my panic is so bad I can't breathe, sometimes I completely shut down. Sometimes I find I can't go outside the house because Im full of fear, or because I can't even contemplate getting dressed. I don't have nightmares because I am often afraid to fall asleep. 5. My business is suffering because I'm afraid to return phone calls. As an artist, I can't create. I am sharing this with you because I want you to know I'm in it with you. You are not alone. I think you are brave to get help, and to tell your therapist your full story. I have found that the more I tell my own story, or parts of it, the less fear I feel. This never ever should have happened to you. You are not to blame. I also want you to know it will get better. Try to go at your own pace. Someone here told me that our brains are smart. They hold onto our experience and let it out when we are ready. I'll add to that: when we are ready is not always when it's convenient. You mentioned you were already on overload. So was I. We will get through this. I also wanted to tell you that I have decided to be the superhero of my own story. (Did you know there is a superhero called Crisis Girl? No joke). Lots and lots of love to you as you continue your journey. Carolyn
  6. MeTooo

    I'm new

    Thank you all for your encouragement, and caring help. It is hard, but AS feels like I just crawled into a pillow fort of support. Please feel free to fling kindness in my direction at any time. I think I'm gonna need it. Carolyn
  7. I am so sorry I have not replied sooner, especially since your quick response was really important to me. It made me feel welcomed To AS, when I was not sure I wanted to participate. Thank you for making me feel not alone. I related a lot to what you said and I appreciate your kindness. I am always open to listening and help, and dialogue. Carolyn
  8. So somehow I posted this as a reply to myself instead of to you.... I really resonate with how you trust and follow your intuition. I admire the confidence you have in yourself. I'm glad you told your story on my post. I can see and appreciate how you balance trusting your intuition and getting help. That is no small feat. You seem to have made the transition from Victim to Survivor. I really want that. Really believeing that it was not my fault and placing the blame where it actually belongs has been big for me and was what started me to take action. (Stanford helped me see this) So, then I called a ra:(e hotline for the first time to tell them what happened to me all those years ago. Then I created a ceremony which I did by myself quietly on the beach, near where it happened. The purpose was to acknowledge the truth of my experience, and all of the feelings I have about it. To send love to my 18 year old self. To tell her I understand why she blamed herself, why she never told. And to tell her I am going to do now what she could not do then...Take care of her, love her, not judge her. Finally I expressed my desire to heal and ask for the strength to do it. I have never done something like this before, I don't even know where I got the idea, but I needed to do something empowering, because I don't instinctively believe in myself. I also wanted to take the beach back. Telling my story to people in my life that I trust has opened a door to kindness and support beyond my expectations. (Most don't live near me. My "in person" support is slim. I am especially disappointed with my husband. He is not happy with how my healing is affecting his life-----Another story for another day.) I am getting as much professional help as I can because my feelings of this trauma from the past are as real and vivid as if it happened recently. Hello, anger, fear, helplessness, sadness, anxiety, and many more. Your story also helped confirm something for me that started as a quiet whisper and has gotten louder and louder. Listen and trust my true self because this is MY HEALING PROCESS. (NOW I AM FEELING THE POWER OF WRITING IN BOLD CAPS!) BTW, I never responded to your invitation to dialogue. Yes, I would love to:) Carolyn
  9. Hello, and sorry for the big time gap in my reply to you. Thank you for identifying with me by sharing a piece of your story. I'm finding out what a relief it is to be understood and to know that I am not alone. I definitely did not make a choice to deal with this now, but when I realize that emotionally I need to deal with something, I know I just have to get all the help I can, and go with it. I have a therapist and psychiatrist I see regularly, as well as a breathwork and energy healer, but like you, it has brought up other stuff and also the feelings I repressed for so long. Somedays I feel like I can't function at all. Dealing with it doesn't mean I like it. Also like you mentioned, I want to get better. I want to for me. I want to be a better mother, I want to create again, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and brain. I want to be the hero of my own story. I'd love to keep in touch. I haven't figured out the PM Funtion yet, but I haven't figured out myself yet...Carolyn
  10. Thank you so much for your support and your welcome. Feeling like I'm understood Is so important to me. Dogs have always been important to my life too:). They always loved me unconditionally and made me feel safe. As a child, I wished I was raised by dogs. I like what you said about brains. I do trust the natural process of readiness, even though I don't always like how it feels and I'm not sure where it's taking me...lets keep in touch. Carolyn
  11. I really resonate with how you trust and follow your intuition. I admire the confidence you have in yourself. I'm glad you told your story on my post. I can see and appreciate how you balance trusting your intuition and getting help. That is no small feat. You seem to have made the transition from Victim to Survivor. I really want that. Really believeing that it was not my fault and placing the blame where it actually belongs has been big for me and was what started me to take action. (Stanford helped me see this) So, then I called a ra:(e hotline for the first time to tell them what happened to me all those years ago. Then I created a ceremony which I did by myself quietly on the beach, near where it happened. The purpose was to acknowledge the truth of my experience, and all of the feelings I have about it. To send love to my 18 year old self. To tell her I understand why she blamed herself, why she never told. And to tell her I am going to do now what she could not do then...Take care of her, love her, not judge her. Finally I expressed my desire to heal and ask for the strength to do it. I have never done something like this before, I don't even know where I got the idea, but I needed to do something empowering, because I don't instinctively believe in myself. I also wanted to take the beach back. Telling my story to people in my life that I trust has opened a door to kindness and support beyond my expectations. (Most don't live near me. My "in person" support is slim. I am especially disappointed with my husband. He is not happy with how my healing is affecting his life-----Another story for another day.) I am getting as much professional help as I can because my feelings of this trauma from the past are as real and vivid as if it happened recently. Hello, anger, fear, helplessness, sadness, anxiety, and many more. Your story also helped confirm something for me that started as a quiet whisper and has gotten louder and louder. Listen and trust my true self because this is MY HEALING PROCESS. (NOW I AM FEELING THE POWER OF WRITING IN BOLD CAPS!) BTW, I never responded to your invitation to dialogue. Yes, I would love to:) Carolyn
  12. Thank you for your insight. I will ponder that. I always remembered I was raped, I just blocked out the feelings. I have been thinking about it more and I thought about 2 other reasons. The first is I talked with my niece last summer befor she went to her first year of college and told her what had happened to me. I wanted her to know that rape was real, and that she knows someone who it happened to and IF something happened to her, she could talk to me because I would understand it was not her fault, and not shame her and help her in any way she chose. I told her all of that not to scare her, but to give her what I didn't have at the time, loving support. The second thing was the rape at Stanford and the letter to the judge written by the victim at the sentencing part of the trial. With all that said, thank you again for your insights and your kindness. Carolyn
  13. Thank you for your kind support, my eyes are welling up especially because you have taken the time to respond and send me hope while you are still counting the hours of your rape. I will get strength from you and you can get strength from me. I've been in counseling for decades, and that shows you how deeply and carefully I burried it. I decided it was my fault and that was the end....until now. The thing about burried feelings is they are always burried alive. You are wonderful. Signin or Carolyn
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