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It’s been two years. Two years of crying at the drop of a hat, two years of wincing anytime I’m touched, two years of fighting to survive. Everyday in those two years I have held back tears when someone looks like you, when I realize what was taken. Two years isn’t a long time, but for me it’s been excruciating. I know your eyes still light up, and I know that you can smile and mean it. Meanwhile, every small smile takes more energy than it should. Every time I laugh, it sounds fake, it feels fake. When I get that moment of calm, not needing to run around to deal with all that keeps me busy, I waste that moment on you. I waste that moment wondering where you are, if you are near me, if you are planning your revenge. I wonder how that crooked smile, that tooth gap and the ridiculous tattoos could ever hide this evil. You got into my head, you made me feel special. You took every part of me I had never given anyone, and instead of keeping me together, you threw everything out the window. You smashed me with your hammer and made sure there was no whole pieces left. Every time I cry, every time I sleep, you are there. You are there making me feel useless, making me feel unremarkable. You are making sure I cannot stand on my own, making sure I can barely stand at all.  I may never truly see you again, but you’re there in every man who walks near me, in every person who threatens me. Your reign will never end, your power much stronger than you get credit for. For someone who has no intelligence, you are smart enough to control me, control me from your apartment in another state. I cannot keep tabs on you, you made sure of that but you, you can keep tabs on everything I do, no matter how much I try to hide, no matter how strong I get. You will always have the upper hand. You will always be the reason I cry at night, the reason why my happiness is hanging on by a thread, one you can cut at any time. You hold my entire being in your incapable hands, you stand by ready to destroy me again, ready to break me completely. You wait for me to take my last breath, so you know you did your worst. Some days I want to just give in and give you this satisfaction, others I fight tooth and nail just to avoid the sharp edge of my old friend.


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