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elisand

M. Member
  • Content count

    411
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About elisand

  • Rank
    elisand

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    After Silence & my therapy room
  • Interests
    certain pop music, Being in supportive & caring atmosphere, Psychology,

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

3,435 profile views
  1. First time here

    Hi and welcome! Feel free to message me if you want. Here for you you're not alone.
  2. Just saying hi

    Hi! Welcome to after silence! Feel free to share or keep private in a way you feel secure. Your support of others on After silence is priceless. So happy to have you on. If you would like a more casual friendship you can send me a message.
  3. Unsure Newcomer

    hi, for 20 years i didn't know whether i'd suffered abuse. like it was my fault because a certain measure of ""pleasure"" was felt. well, it was abuse and the ""pleasure"" was what destroyed any drop of life from me.
  4. Sorry I haven't been around. I have a slow internet connection 

  5. # 13 Constructive Destruction

    Thanks @kmkz andand @CrimsonRegrets
  6. # 13 Constructive Destruction

    Back at my house I'm being triggered & thrown off in ways I don't even realize. A certain blanket a horn instruments a bathroom I was feeling not in control. Helpless. My body was reacting to all this. I took a hammer and destroyed his horn. I'm slowly retaking control. Got rid of the blanket self talk controlling & choosing my food intake.
  7. I’m new here

    Here 4 you Welcome 2 After Silence!
  8. Finished 1st phase of therapy scary but happy and proud

  9. #12 Permission to Feel Hurt

    that is definitely a big component. Just yesterday mom and dad did just that. they said "the abuser was young it wasn't his fault" i bet you know how bad that made me feel
  10. #10 Riding The Roller-coaster

    What a horrendous thing this perv did. I'm so sorry. To me, that you were affected quite strongly by this pervert is totally valid and legitimate. At the same time you're kind of reprimanding yourself, 'why am I reacting like this, I know all the therapy principles, I should be able to handle this'. Hard to acknowledge though it is, you were a victim. The truth is that keeping the experience in is a recipe for depression and ptsd to set in. However, that is not to say you have to embrace a victim identity. It's just so important to obtain compassion for the terrible experience for proper healing. At this point this should be like on the front burner. You know much more about who one can tell in order to get the proper support when revealing what happened. Not to be vulnerable to someone who will be indifferent or who starts giving advice. This might address the roller coaster. lmn Here for you always
  11. #12 Permission to Feel Hurt

    People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be. What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I felt. I realized this addresses the same thing as what people say that i mentioned in the beginning. Meaning, how I proceed does not depend on the one who hurt me. It's not about being my fault.
  12. New

    Hi and Welcome to AS! here 4 you
  13. #11 Processing Hurtful Interactions

    thank you AutumnM, it means a lot.
  14. Do not call me a survivor

    yes, teleah i would not call myself a survivor until I feel I'm ready to try a new identity w/o hurting myself. I also felt invalidated when people said i'm a survivor. I would fight them. Even though they thought they were being supportive. showering is hard for me too
  15. So I hurt some people inadvertently. 

    then I said sorry. but that didn't take the guilt away. 

    I was like "i hate myself"

    It's the guilt

    I guess the way out is to forgive myself. but it's so hard.

    1. Kmkz

      Kmkz

      It may be hard, you can learn to forgive yourself. Doesn't sound intentional and you said sorry. Maybe start by replacing feeling guilt with doing something good?

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