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About elisand

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    After Silence & my therapy room
  • Interests
    certain pop music, Being in supportive & caring atmosphere, Psychology,

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  1. #12 Permission to Feel Hurt

    that is definitely a big component. Just yesterday mom and dad did just that. they said "the abuser was young it wasn't his fault" i bet you know how bad that made me feel
  2. #10 Riding The Roller-coaster

    What a horrendous thing this perv did. I'm so sorry. To me, that you were affected quite strongly by this pervert is totally valid and legitimate. At the same time you're kind of reprimanding yourself, 'why am I reacting like this, I know all the therapy principles, I should be able to handle this'. Hard to acknowledge though it is, you were a victim. The truth is that keeping the experience in is a recipe for depression and ptsd to set in. However, that is not to say you have to embrace a victim identity. It's just so important to obtain compassion for the terrible experience for proper healing. At this point this should be like on the front burner. You know much more about who one can tell in order to get the proper support when revealing what happened. Not to be vulnerable to someone who will be indifferent or who starts giving advice. This might address the roller coaster. lmn Here for you always
  3. #12 Permission to Feel Hurt

    People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be. What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I felt. I realized this addresses the same thing as what people say that i mentioned in the beginning. Meaning, how I proceed does not depend on the one who hurt me. It's not about being my fault.
  4. New

    Hi and Welcome to AS! here 4 you
  5. #11 Processing Hurtful Interactions

    thank you AutumnM, it means a lot.
  6. Do not call me a survivor

    yes, teleah i would not call myself a survivor until I feel I'm ready to try a new identity w/o hurting myself. I also felt invalidated when people said i'm a survivor. I would fight them. Even though they thought they were being supportive. showering is hard for me too
  7. So I hurt some people inadvertently. 

    then I said sorry. but that didn't take the guilt away. 

    I was like "i hate myself"

    It's the guilt

    I guess the way out is to forgive myself. but it's so hard.

    1. Kmkz


      It may be hard, you can learn to forgive yourself. Doesn't sound intentional and you said sorry. Maybe start by replacing feeling guilt with doing something good?

  8. The secretary of the clinic spoke to me very curtly and I felt very hurt. It's happened like this many times and it's an important aspect to address. My T and my mentor both would never speak that way to me. My T explained that it's because of our relationship. Other people will not know or be considerate with what hurts me. I used tools like that she doesn't know me in a personal way so she isn't sensitive to it. Or that she was having a hard day or that she is just an insensitive human being. Also, she didn't say it with the intention of hurting me. I could go to her and tell her what she said hurt me. but I won't. Why? cuz that makes me vulnerable, that I need her to say sorry in order for me to feel better, and what if she refuses to. I acknowledge it hurt but At the same time that shouldn't stop me from living. I have other things I like. I refuse the option of stopping those things because some dimwit hurt me. I will however dislike her and keep a distance.
  9. Very scary. winding up therapy with my T. I know I've progressed but I know there is much more to advance. We will take around 6 more weeks to wind it up and then I fly away. I'll have to find a new T in Canada who I will be able to trust and work with. My therapist said I will not have to start from where I started with him but rather much further on the therapy path which I acknowledge and am happy about.


  10. I can't understand how I do nice things for other people but somehow it happens. It's so confusing. Maybe I just want others to think I'm special

  11. New Girl

    It sounds so hard. I agree with what ian said. The pain is very complex. It's not in any way similar to what regular people go through all the time. It can totally alter a person's reality. Are you looking for therapy? With you all the way. Safe hug, you deserve
  12. New here

    Hi, Welcome to AS! I think AS is a place I can relax a bit. It's safe here.
  13. New Girl

    u'r right it controls our emotions and behavior. and one of the first steps to taking back control is to want to. I looked at it that the abuser may he rot forever has no right to destroy my life (which he very successfully did). I am in a much better place now 2 yrs after the beginning of my therapy but this is a theme that comes up often. I get upset when my T points out something that i'm being controlled. IT'S NOT ME AND I HATE IT. one very positive thing is to identify as a survivor as opposed to a victim. They are both true but as trying to heal ID' ing as a survivor really can help. I'm so sorry for what you went through. the pain u must have went through must 've been terrible. Indy Rex, you didn't deserve such pain and i think you can heal and have a better life. Safe hug if ok
  14. ashamed
    of what?
    you ask
    in bewilderment
    but i can't tell 
    cuz of the shame
    that is 
    ever present 
    around people
    i hate that
    i was violated
    that i have urges
    i can't control
    that when i look
    at you 
    i am pulled
    to certain
    and i bet
    that you could tell
    i feel like you 
    are looking 
    with scorn
    for the little boy who's
    been called idiot 
    that's how you see me
    my brain whispers
    i need to hide
    i know
    you are laughing
    at me
    do i smell?
    did i do
    or say
    something stupid?
    and i'm ashamed
    cuz i see how
    all the kids my age
    laugh play 
    and live.
    there's something
    I'm missing
    what is it?
    are they in on
    a joke?
    they have fun 
    playing sports
    and games
    what's wrong 
    with me?
    I'm so ashamed
    can't look you
    in the face
    you must know
    how weird i 
    am acting
    and people
    ignore me
    and lose interest
    when I speak
    what are they seeing?
    I am so ashamed
    it's all hidden
    i can't just 
    ask you
    what's wrong with
    you hate me
    that's why you
    ignore me
    i'm too embarrassed 
    to reveal my sexuality
    was uncovered
    you'll be so 
    so it's all
    i totally 
    my existence
    it's just 
    too hard
    i'm only 8 years
    but believe me
    i'm ready to 
    do you get it now?


     EliSand  :cry:
  15. Intro

    Hi and Welcome to AS! if ok!