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elisand

M. Member
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About elisand

  • Rank
    elisand

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    After Silence & my therapy room
  • Interests
    certain pop music, Being in supportive & caring atmosphere, Psychology,

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. #10 Riding The Roller-coaster

    So I talked with my therapist for a while. It is a very important topic. We talked about acknowledging what happened. Deciding how much it should affect my life. And a lot of the pain is about that it reminds me of the pain I've gone through. Sometimes whatever happened could be a reason to feel down; it has to be something that affects what i have now in a big way. This is hard to put to words. I hope no-one feels hurt by it.
  2. Hello everyone - New to forum/support group

    Hi @1Stormcloud, welcome to AfterSilence. I think comin' here to a beautiful safe place is an important step for healing. Here for u
  3. #10 Riding The Roller-coaster

    so I tried it. something happened that made me feel down I told myself there are other stuff that are goin' good right now. I don't have to feel terrible just because of this. It worked. Only that it felt so so strange.
  4. lonesome
    all separate from people
    pull away though 
    your assurance is
    what I need
     
    to hold me close 
    tell me you're there 
    take your time
    I'm here for you
     
    All alone
    waiting for you to
    notice me
    see my abuse
    be strong for me
     
    take me under your wing
    provide for my needs
    care for my broken
    heart
    give care like a fountain
     
    where has everyone been?
    can't you
    step into my shattered world?
    or are you
    too preoccupied
    with your own
     
    I now see
    no-one is all confident
    and secure
    though it looked like you were
    you were a counselor or teacher
    a big guy who 
    looked out for us
     
    but now I know
    I wasn't your life 
    you are busy
    I'm a side-interest
    It's too bad
    why can't people be
    what I believed
     
    and yearned
     
    but I know this is
    how I'll be
    for anyone who 
    needs my care
    No-one is totally 
    secure
    but for the child crying out 
    I could be
     

    -- 

     EliSand  
    1. Sapphira

      Sapphira

      I love this! :)

    2. elisand

      elisand

      thank you I might create more like this

  5. keep wishing I'd have a friend who is really there for me.

    1. Sapphira

      Sapphira

      I want to really be there for you all the time but I can't. I am struggling too. I will be there when I can.

      I feel like this too. I don't have anyone I could go to when I need help. I have learned to be there for myself. At least I know there's someone I can always count on. I can't give myself the best advice and I can't show myself things I don't see, but I'm always there. I also turn to God and it helps me.

  6. #10 Riding The Roller-coaster

    Today we discovered something unbelievable. We were struggling with why when i feel I hurt someone etc. that I am terrible. Just before I'd been feeling great. Why does this catapult me to the bottom? It's like a roller-coaster. And it's not fun. I want stability. Example: I was feeling like a 9 out of 10 and then I was reprimanded and shoot down to a 3. Here is the deal. First of all, that I did something awkward should not tell me I'm terrible. So why do I feel that way? Cuz it brings my feelings that life is impossible and I'll never get out of it and that I am helpless etc. The truth is that I'm not where these feelings are. The episode brought me to feel this. It's like a bridge. This thing makes me feel a little guilty about what I did Then i jump to think about how I felt for so long so intensely. Really there are many things happening that determine how I feel. like safety social and personal stuff. So even if something I do something weird that shouldn't tell me to feel a 3. There are other stuff going on like being safe and feeling good about hygiene etc. It should only be a part of my overall decision of how I'm feeling. This may actually direct my reaction to the negative thing to a lesser feeling cuz as I mention I do know this isn't where I am. It's like blowing up the old bridge.
  7. #9 Feeling Abandoned

    I was reminded of an important realization we talked about in therapy. For so long I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Where is it coming from? But in speaking about this I found being turned into a toy(another topic) and existing on an entirely different plane of existence from the ptsd and depression I was totally alone. It was an alternate world. I was so alone. So alone. So I had no friends etc. What I now understand is that I felt abandoned and rejected by my parents and teachers. That's how I have felt. It's why I feel no love or connection with them. Even though they weren't doing it on purpose, this was how I felt. And it was real. I did try to send out signals of my distress which were ignored. It is important cuz it helps me understand why I get triggered in certain instances and now also when I should speak up and tell my parents like what you did made me feel abandoned.
  8. I'm so sorry. What you went through was so terrible. OCD is so hard to deal with and then add all this on and it feels unbearable. How are you still managing? You gotta be special. I hope things get better soon. Here for you, Safe hugs if ok

    1. Stephenjames

      Stephenjames

      Thank you @elisand for your kind words to my post. Yes, OCD can be a very debilitating condition that is hard to find and answers too. I hope I can find solutions to a great many problems. Safe hugs to you too, if ok.  

  9. Got my hopes up that someone wants to be there for me. And they just dropped me. Feels so ---- I don't know. But not good. :(

    1. Kmkz

      Kmkz

      Hope the 'not good' feeling goes away soon. Sending support, safe hugs and sitting with you, if you'd like.:console:

    2. Ian37

      Ian37

      Elisand, so sorry to see that this is the case. It tends to not be a good feeling at all. Just curious as to if this is someone online or away from the computer altogether.

      :luck:

  10. #8 Hurts So Much

    So I think I should write about why I get so hurt when people say stuff or criticize etc. Because it really affects me. At times it made me feel like ******* myself. But when you tell them they totally don't get it, what did they tell me that was so bad that would make me feel that way? But the fact is that it does. What's going on? My T helped me understand this with a simile. Like if I have a bruise cuz I fell and got a serious bruise on my arm. Then someone goes and elbows me, hitting my arm, I'll jump and exclaim my pain very much. And the pain is real. But that guy who punched me had no idea. It's the same idea. I was very hurt emotionally when someone molested me used me and made me feel worthless. Now when someone criticizes, I feel like he hit me on that part of me that feels so worthless. And it hurts. It helps to realize and tell myself this when people hurt me. They weren't trying to trigger this. It takes the biggest hurt away and helps me keep going.
  11. #7 Am I Always Worthless?

    I discussed this and it seems there are 2 ways to approach this. First, why am I using this program? to protect myself. Well maybe I can decide I don't have to ever forgive him. Much deeper I can realize that the reason I feel I'd have to forgive him is cuz everyone says he's good. But that's only because of their perspective. I have a different perspective in which I know he is bad/ doesn't deserve forgiveness. I can believe in my perspective and realize that I'm ok. When I make a mistake and hurt someone it has no comparison with what he did to me. pls comment what you feel about this
  12. Hi @Sapphira, luv having you around!:wave:

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Sapphira

      Sapphira

      @elisand I am okay, just came here to look for some support. How are you doing?

    3. elisand

      elisand

      Good for now but I'm on the roller-coaster. You probably know what I mean

    4. Sapphira

      Sapphira

      Yes, I do. Sitting with you and safe hugs if okay :hug:

  13. #7 Am I Always Worthless?

    Interesting I realized yesterday at the western wall that i always tell myself how worthless and bad i am whenever i do something dumb or hurt other people. So I couldn't understand, why can't i let myself believe i'm good just i made a mistake? Then I realized something. If I concede that people can do bad things and still be good then i might have to forgive my abuser, maybe he's -------------- i can't say it because it's too painful to think less than complete revulsion for him. But even though I don't have a viable way to disconnect the two, I can know that I am still a good person. There is just a program inside me that compels me to think that way. I hope to discuss this in my next therapy session.
  14. Off to Israel!

    it was a really hard month. Without your support you on AS it would have been so much harder. 

     

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Dahliaa

      Dahliaa

      Hope you have fun and enjoy yourself! Lucky you! :) 

    3. fallenstar

      fallenstar

      Have a lovely and safe trip! I'd love to go as well one day. Hope you enjoy it there 😊

    4. elisand

      elisand

      Thanks @patriciag @Dahliaa and @fallenstar. 

      It's really much better. I feel like I'm finally able to breathe.:)

  15. For so long I've felt so empty. The only emotions I experienced were sad pain hurt excruciating shame anxiety guilt worthlessness and more. The issue is, how can I have any positive emotions? I felt it was impossible In therapy we explored the realization that it is all part of my identity as a victim. The definition of a good day was when nothing happened that would cause me those feelings. I realized that all these are how I exist. My talents and achievements were not being considered as a part of my identity just things I do sometimes. What I have that no-one else does or what I do like smiling and caring to understand other people, to be sensitive. Why can't that also be part of my identity? And I decided to call that part Successful identity. This has taken much thought and introspection and then thinking when I will do something "I want this to be part of my identity". It took a long time for me to clarify what I am and it's still trial and error. But it is a process.
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