Back at my house I'm being triggered & thrown off in ways I don't even realize.
A certain blanket
I was feeling not in control. Helpless. My body was reacting to all this.
I took a hammer and destroyed his horn. I'm slowly retaking control. Got rid of the blanket self talk controlling & choosing my food intake.
People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me.
Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work.
My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be.
What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where
The secretary of the clinic spoke to me very curtly and I felt very hurt. It's happened like this many times and it's an important aspect to address.
My T and my mentor both would never speak that way to me. My T explained that it's because of our relationship. Other people will not know or be considerate with what hurts me.
I used tools like that she doesn't know me in a personal way so she isn't sensitive to it. Or that she was having a hard day or that she is just an insensitive h
Today we discovered something unbelievable. We were struggling with why when i feel I hurt someone etc. that I am terrible. Just before I'd been feeling great. Why does this catapult me to the bottom? It's like a roller-coaster. And it's not fun. I want stability.
Example: I was feeling like a 9 out of 10 and then I was reprimanded and shoot down to a 3.
Here is the deal.
First of all, that I did something awkward should not tell me I'm terrible. So why do I feel that way? Cuz i
I was reminded of an important realization we talked about in therapy. For so long I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Where is it coming from? But in speaking about this I found being turned into a toy(another topic) and existing on an entirely different plane of existence from the ptsd and depression I was totally alone. It was an alternate world. I was so alone. So alone. So I had no friends etc.
What I now understand is that I felt abandoned and rejected by my
So I think I should write about why I get so hurt when people say stuff or criticize etc. Because it really affects me. At times it made me feel like ******* myself.
But when you tell them they totally don't get it, what did they tell me that was so bad that would make me feel that way? But the fact is that it does. What's going on?
My T helped me understand this with a simile. Like if I have a bruise cuz I fell and got a serious bruise on my arm. Then someone goes and elbows me, hitti
Interesting I realized yesterday at the western wall that i always tell myself how worthless and bad i am whenever i do something dumb or hurt other people. So I couldn't understand, why can't i let myself believe i'm good just i made a mistake?
Then I realized something. If I concede that people can do bad things and still be good then i might have to forgive my abuser, maybe he's -------------- i can't say it because it's too painful to think less than complete revulsion for him.
For so long I've felt so empty. The only emotions I experienced were sad pain hurt excruciating shame anxiety guilt worthlessness and more. The issue is, how can I have any positive emotions? I felt it was impossible
In therapy we explored the realization that it is all part of my identity as a victim. The definition of a good day was when nothing happened that would cause me those feelings. I realized that all these are how I exist.
My talents and achievements were not being considere
I've always felt that noone cares about me. Even if they said they care. BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE ABOUT ME? I'M DAMAGED BOTHERSOME BORING HURTFUL... I never felt that my therapist cares. It is a foreign concept to me: Why should someone else care about me? I couldn't get the logic. So whenever people would do anything nice for me I'd think they are pitying me, if even.
Then last summer I was feeling terrible. My men
People always hurt me. I always have felt everyone is against me. I mean if they hurt me I can't think of them as friends. And so I blocked them out. Truthfully it's very hard to be getting attacked every second.
I realized that sometimes the person who hurt me isn't malicious.
They might not despise me and hate me. they didn't hurt me because they don't respect me, just that they are regular thoughtless hurtful people. When they hurt me should I end any relationship?
Lots of times I get hurt from even small slights, like even if someone made a joke that casts me in a negative way. Then people say 'don't be so sensitive'. And even like if someone closes a door I feel like they thought I was listening in. Then I feel guilty and depression and anxiety. These things happen countless times a day. When I talk to someone I read their body language that they are bored or that I said the wrong thing.
My therapist said that if you wear glasses that are tinted red
Though I've created a fair day for myself, going home is always so difficult. So we wanted to talk about why.
they expect me to help. but i clean my own appt., so why is it harder there? Because i know how i want it to be so i have freedom of how to do it. Also when i'm doing it for mom i feel like i'm trying to please her. And she's the one who decides if i did a good job. Then i'll feel so dumb.
Also when i was very young the abuser forced me to serve him.
so we discovered some
I find it hard to look at all people in the face. Why? maybe cuz I feel so ashamed. maybe cuz I am so afraid of what people think about what i say and do. can i look at them? I'm scared. What could happen? They will see who I am. What am I? a dirty worthless rag who always acts awkward. Can't they see what I did today. And I'm so much worse than them, my body doesn't cooperate.
Well, I learned something new: people only see the part of me that they are interacting with. The bus-driver onl
It's so important for us to bring tools we learn in therapy into our life.
often we don't feel things are changing or getting better.
When we use the tools we talk about in therapy we become stronger.
Of course it takes practice
if we notice our progress we can feel we are moving toward a better life.
Ultimately we are trying to hopefully achieve a better present and a future.
I hope this blog will help us see more how to integrate what we learn i