Though I've created a fair day for myself, going home is always so difficult. So we wanted to talk about why.
they expect me to help. but i clean my own appt., so why is it harder there? Because i know how i want it to be so i have freedom of how to do it. Also when i'm doing it for mom i feel like i'm trying to please her. And she's the one who decides if i did a good job. Then i'll feel so dumb.
Also when i was very young the abuser forced me to serve him.
so we discovered some very important things. I feel less in control when i clean up there. It triggers anxiety and all the other feelings of servitude I felt before. So even though now i try to give myself power, working for mom puts me back into the previous way of feeling.
Is it an option to just not work? yes, but there will be unpleasant reactions.
do i care?
Is it possible to find a way to help while still retaining control?