My Therapy Talk

Back at my house I'm being triggered & thrown off in ways I don't even realize. 

A certain blanket

a horn

instruments

a bathroom

I was feeling not in control. Helpless. My body was reacting to all this.

I took a hammer and destroyed his horn. I'm slowly retaking control. Got rid of the blanket self talk controlling & choosing my food intake. 

People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. 

Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. 

My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be.

What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I felt.

I realized this addresses the same thing as what people say that i mentioned in the beginning. Meaning, how I proceed does not depend on the one who hurt me. It's not about being my fault.

The secretary of the clinic  spoke to me very curtly and I felt very hurt. It's happened like this many times and it's an important aspect to address.

My T and my mentor both would never speak that way to me. My T explained that it's because of our relationship. Other people will not know or be considerate with what hurts me. 

I used tools like that she doesn't know me in a personal way so she isn't sensitive to it. Or that she was having a hard day or that she is just an insensitive human being. Also, she didn't  say it with the intention of hurting me. 

I could go to her and tell her what she said hurt me. but I won't. Why? cuz that makes me vulnerable, that I need her to say sorry in order for me to feel better, and what if she refuses to.

I acknowledge it hurt but At the same time that shouldn't stop me from living. I have other things I like. I refuse the option of stopping those things because some dimwit hurt me. I will however dislike her and keep a distance.

Today we discovered something unbelievable. We were struggling with why when i feel I hurt someone etc. that I am terrible. Just before I'd been feeling great. Why does this catapult me to the bottom? It's like a roller-coaster. And it's not fun. I want stability. 

Example: I was feeling like a 9 out of 10 and then I was reprimanded and shoot down to a 3.

Here is the deal.

First of all, that I did something awkward should not tell me I'm terrible. So why do I feel that way? Cuz it brings my feelings that life is impossible and I'll never get out of it and that I am helpless etc. The truth is that I'm not where these feelings are. The episode brought me to feel this. It's like a bridge. This thing makes me feel a little guilty about what I did Then i jump to think about how I felt for so long so intensely.

Really there are many things happening that determine how I feel. like safety social and personal stuff. So even if something I do something weird that shouldn't tell me to feel a 3. There are other stuff going on like being safe and feeling good about hygiene etc. It should only be a part of my overall decision of how I'm feeling.

This may actually direct my reaction to the negative thing to a lesser feeling cuz as I mention I do know this isn't where I am. It's like blowing up the old bridge.

I was reminded of an important realization we talked about in therapy. For so long I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Where is it coming from? But in speaking about  this I found being turned into a toy(another topic) and existing on an entirely different plane of existence from the ptsd and depression I was totally alone. It was an alternate world. I was so alone. So alone. So I had no friends etc.

What I now understand is that I felt abandoned and rejected by my parents and teachers. That's how I have felt. It's why I feel no love or connection with them. Even though they weren't doing it on purpose, this was how I felt. And it was real. I did try to send out signals of my distress which were ignored.

It is important cuz it helps me understand why I get triggered in certain instances and now also when I should speak up and tell my parents like what you did made me feel abandoned. 

So I think I should write about why I get so hurt when people say stuff or criticize etc. Because it really affects me. At times it made me feel like ******* myself.

But when you tell them they totally don't get it, what did they tell me that was so bad that would make me feel that way? But the fact is that it does. What's going on?

My T helped me understand this with a simile. Like if I have a bruise cuz I fell and got a serious bruise on my arm. Then someone goes and elbows me, hitting my arm, I'll jump and exclaim my pain very much. And the pain is real. But that guy who punched me had no idea. 

It's the same idea. I was very hurt emotionally when someone molested me used me and made me feel worthless. Now when someone criticizes, I feel like he hit me on that part of me that feels so worthless. And it hurts. 

It helps to realize and tell myself this when people hurt me. They weren't trying to trigger this. 

It takes the biggest hurt away and helps me keep going.

Interesting I realized yesterday at the western wall that i always tell myself how worthless and bad i am whenever i do something dumb or hurt other people. So I couldn't understand, why can't i let myself believe i'm good just i made a mistake? 

Then I realized something. If I concede that people can do bad things and still be good then i might have to forgive my abuser, maybe he's --------------  i can't say it because it's too painful to think less than complete revulsion for him. 

But even though I don't have a viable way to disconnect the two, I can know that I am still a good person. There is just a program inside me that compels me to think that way.

I hope to discuss this in my next therapy session.

For so long I've felt so empty. The only emotions I experienced were sad pain hurt excruciating shame anxiety guilt worthlessness and more. The issue is, how can I have any positive emotions? I felt it was impossible

In therapy we explored the realization that it is all part of my identity as a victim. The definition of a good day was when nothing happened that would cause me those feelings. I realized that all these are how I exist.

My talents and achievements were not being considered as a part of my identity just things I do sometimes. What I have that no-one else does or what I do like smiling and caring to understand other people, to be sensitive. Why can't that also be part of my identity? And I decided to call that part Successful identity.  

This has taken much thought and introspection and then thinking when I will do something "I want this to be part of my identity". It took a long time for me to clarify what I am and it's still trial and error. But it is a process. 

I've always felt that noone cares about me. Even if they said they care. BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE ABOUT ME? I'M DAMAGED BOTHERSOME BORING HURTFUL...                  I never felt that my therapist cares. It is a foreign  concept to me: Why should someone else care about me? I couldn't get the logic. So whenever people                                                     would do anything nice for me  I'd think they are pitying me, if even. 

Then last summer I was feeling terrible. My mentor gave me like $70 and paid for a psychiatrist appointment. I was like WHY? WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME MONEY?

She answered that she sees what a nice sensitive beautiful person I am and she appreciates me. And she considers it an honor to be connected to me.                                                    At that point it was very hard for me to accept positive things about myself. However that started me on a growth pattern of recognizing there are some                                                    special people who appreciate others even though I talk slow and have physical and emotional difficulties.

She told me I could have a Treasure Chest of the special people who I BELIEVE respect me and love me. This has given me more confidence to give myself permission to search for positive qualities in myself

People always hurt me. I always have felt everyone is against me. I mean if they hurt me I can't think of them as friends. And so I blocked them out. Truthfully it's very hard to be getting attacked every second.

I realized that sometimes the person who hurt me isn't malicious.

They might not despise me and hate me. they didn't hurt me because they don't respect me, just that they are regular thoughtless hurtful people. When they hurt me should I end any relationship?

                                   Maybe I could work through it with them. Tell them how they hurt me. I know how tough it is, especially when the other person doesn't know I was abused. And I can't tell them because I don't trust them to be sensitive. 

Lots of times I get hurt from even small slights, like even if someone made a joke that casts me in a negative way. Then people say 'don't be so sensitive'. And even like if someone closes a door I feel like they thought I was listening in. Then I feel guilty and depression and anxiety. These things happen countless times a day. When I talk to someone I read their body language that they are bored or that I said the wrong thing.

My therapist said that if you wear glasses that are tinted red then everything will look red. Maybe because I think of myself as worthless and  dirty I interpret others' actions accordingly. 

Lets try to change the tint. maybe to blue. And think of myself a bit better and see if the interpretations change!

Though I've created a fair day for myself, going home is always so difficult. So we wanted to talk about why.

they expect me to help. but i clean my own appt., so why is it harder there? Because i know how i want it to be so i have freedom of how to do it. Also when i'm doing it for mom i feel like i'm trying to please her. And she's the one who decides if i did a good job. Then i'll feel so dumb.

Also when i was very young the abuser forced me to serve him.

so we discovered some very important things. I feel less in control when i clean up there. It triggers anxiety and all the other feelings of servitude I felt before. So even  though now i try to give myself power, working for mom puts me back into the previous way of feeling.

Is it an  option to just not work? yes, but there will be unpleasant reactions. 

do i care?

Is it possible to find a way to help while still retaining control?

let's try!

I find it hard to look at all people in the face. Why? maybe cuz I feel so ashamed. maybe cuz I am so afraid of what people think about what i say and do. can i look at them? I'm scared. What could happen? They will see who I am. What am I? a dirty worthless rag who always acts awkward. Can't they see what I did today. And I'm so much worse than them, my body doesn't cooperate. 

Well, I learned something new:  people only see the part of me that they are interacting with. The bus-driver only sees the part of me that is what I am showing which is that I'm getting on the bus and paying. Even if I pay weirdly, that's the only part he saw. He didn't see that I was abused and that I have no friends and all the anxiety and loathing i have in regard to myself. 

Will this tool change my ability to not be as embarrassed when I mess up?  Let me know what happens for you.

I do speak about tools I learn in therapy. This will be helpful I hope but I don't expect that it can take the place of personal therapy. But it might serve as an example and help us bring the tools we learn into our lives.

I think the structure will be writing a tool

how i tried it

what happened 

and work with it for a week and see how i feel about the process

of course i welcome comments and tips about everything!

It's so important for us to bring tools we learn in therapy into our life.

often we don't feel things are changing or getting better.

When we use the tools we talk about in therapy we become stronger. 

Of course it takes practice

but........

if we notice our progress we can feel we are moving toward a better life.

Ultimately we are trying to hopefully achieve a better present and a future. 

I hope this blog will help us see more how to integrate what we learn into daily life.