
elisand
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Everything posted by elisand
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Hi! I know I've been awol from here.
I'd like to notify everyone here I have started a YouTube channel. The name is Elisand. Please interact and I hope to lend some support to you. see you there!
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So I hurt some people inadvertently.
then I said sorry. but that didn't take the guilt away.
I was like "i hate myself"
It's the guilt
I guess the way out is to forgive myself. but it's so hard.
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Very scary. winding up therapy with my T. I know I've progressed but I know there is much more to advance. We will take around 6 more weeks to wind it up and then I fly away. I'll have to find a new T in Canada who I will be able to trust and work with. My therapist said I will not have to start from where I started with him but rather much further on the therapy path which I acknowledge and am happy about.
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I can't understand how I do nice things for other people but somehow it happens. It's so confusing. Maybe I just want others to think I'm special
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ashamedof what?you askin bewildermentbut i can't tellcuz of the shamethat isever presentaround peopleinsidei hate thati was violatedthat i have urgesi can't controlthat when i lookat youi am pulledto certainpartsand i betthat you could telli feel like youare lookingwith scorncontemptfor the little boy who'sbeen called idiotthat's how you see memy brain whispersi need to hidei knowyou are laughingat medo i smell?did i door saysomething stupid?and i'm ashamedcuz i see howall the kids my agelaugh playand live.there's somethingI'm missingwhat is it?are they in ona joke?they have funplaying sportsand gameswhat's wrongwith me?I'm so ashamedcan't look youin the faceyou must knowhow weird iam actingand peopleignore meand lose interestwhen I speakwhat are they seeing?I am so ashamedit's all hiddeni can't justask youwhat's wrong withmeyou hate methat's why youignore meandi'm too embarrassedto reveal my sexualitywas uncoveredyou'll be soangryso it's allinsidei totallynegatemy existenceit's justtoo hardi'm only 8 yearsoldbut believe mei'm ready todiedo you get it now?
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EliSand