elisand
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Everything posted by elisand
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Hi! I know I've been awol from here.
I'd like to notify everyone here I have started a YouTube channel. The name is Elisand. Please interact and I hope to lend some support to you. see you there!
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Hi and welcome! Feel free to message me if you want. Here for you you're not alone.
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Hi! Welcome to after silence! Feel free to share or keep private in a way you feel secure. Your support of others on After silence is priceless. So happy to have you on. If you would like a more casual friendship you can send me a message.
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hi, for 20 years i didn't know whether i'd suffered abuse. like it was my fault because a certain measure of ""pleasure"" was felt. well, it was abuse and the ""pleasure"" was what destroyed any drop of life from me.
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Thanks @kmkz andand @CrimsonRegrets
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Back at my house I'm being triggered & thrown off in ways I don't even realize. A certain blanket a horn instruments a bathroom I was feeling not in control. Helpless. My body was reacting to all this. I took a hammer and destroyed his horn. I'm slowly retaking control. Got rid of the blanket self talk controlling & choosing my food intake.
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Here 4 you Welcome 2 After Silence!
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that is definitely a big component. Just yesterday mom and dad did just that. they said "the abuser was young it wasn't his fault" i bet you know how bad that made me feel
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What a horrendous thing this perv did. I'm so sorry. To me, that you were affected quite strongly by this pervert is totally valid and legitimate. At the same time you're kind of reprimanding yourself, 'why am I reacting like this, I know all the therapy principles, I should be able to handle this'. Hard to acknowledge though it is, you were a victim. The truth is that keeping the experience in is a recipe for depression and ptsd to set in. However, that is not to say you have to embrace a victim identity. It's just so important to obtain compassion for the terrible experience for proper healing. At this point this should be like on the front burner. You know much more about who one can tell in order to get the proper support when revealing what happened. Not to be vulnerable to someone who will be indifferent or who starts giving advice. This might address the roller coaster. lmn Here for you always
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People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be. What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I felt. I realized this addresses the same thing as what people say that i mentioned in the beginning. Meaning, how I proceed does not depend on the one who hurt me. It's not about being my fault.
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Hi and Welcome to AS! here 4 you
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thank you AutumnM, it means a lot.
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yes, teleah i would not call myself a survivor until I feel I'm ready to try a new identity w/o hurting myself. I also felt invalidated when people said i'm a survivor. I would fight them. Even though they thought they were being supportive. showering is hard for me too
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So I hurt some people inadvertently.
then I said sorry. but that didn't take the guilt away.
I was like "i hate myself"
It's the guilt
I guess the way out is to forgive myself. but it's so hard.
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The secretary of the clinic spoke to me very curtly and I felt very hurt. It's happened like this many times and it's an important aspect to address. My T and my mentor both would never speak that way to me. My T explained that it's because of our relationship. Other people will not know or be considerate with what hurts me. I used tools like that she doesn't know me in a personal way so she isn't sensitive to it. Or that she was having a hard day or that she is just an insensitive human being. Also, she didn't say it with the intention of hurting me. I could go to her and tell her what she said hurt me. but I won't. Why? cuz that makes me vulnerable, that I need her to say sorry in order for me to feel better, and what if she refuses to. I acknowledge it hurt but At the same time that shouldn't stop me from living. I have other things I like. I refuse the option of stopping those things because some dimwit hurt me. I will however dislike her and keep a distance.
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Very scary. winding up therapy with my T. I know I've progressed but I know there is much more to advance. We will take around 6 more weeks to wind it up and then I fly away. I'll have to find a new T in Canada who I will be able to trust and work with. My therapist said I will not have to start from where I started with him but rather much further on the therapy path which I acknowledge and am happy about.
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I can't understand how I do nice things for other people but somehow it happens. It's so confusing. Maybe I just want others to think I'm special
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It sounds so hard. I agree with what ian said. The pain is very complex. It's not in any way similar to what regular people go through all the time. It can totally alter a person's reality. Are you looking for therapy? With you all the way. Safe hug, you deserve
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Hi, Welcome to AS! I think AS is a place I can relax a bit. It's safe here.
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u'r right it controls our emotions and behavior. and one of the first steps to taking back control is to want to. I looked at it that the abuser may he rot forever has no right to destroy my life (which he very successfully did). I am in a much better place now 2 yrs after the beginning of my therapy but this is a theme that comes up often. I get upset when my T points out something that i'm being controlled. IT'S NOT ME AND I HATE IT. one very positive thing is to identify as a survivor as opposed to a victim. They are both true but as trying to heal ID' ing as a survivor really can help. I'm so sorry for what you went through. the pain u must have went through must 've been terrible. Indy Rex, you didn't deserve such pain and i think you can heal and have a better life. Safe hug if ok
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ashamedof what?you askin bewildermentbut i can't tellcuz of the shamethat isever presentaround peopleinsidei hate thati was violatedthat i have urgesi can't controlthat when i lookat youi am pulledto certainpartsand i betthat you could telli feel like youare lookingwith scorncontemptfor the little boy who'sbeen called idiotthat's how you see memy brain whispersi need to hidei knowyou are laughingat medo i smell?did i door saysomething stupid?and i'm ashamedcuz i see howall the kids my agelaugh playand live.there's somethingI'm missingwhat is it?are they in ona joke?they have funplaying sportsand gameswhat's wrongwith me?I'm so ashamedcan't look youin the faceyou must knowhow weird iam actingand peopleignore meand lose interestwhen I speakwhat are they seeing?I am so ashamedit's all hiddeni can't justask youwhat's wrong withmeyou hate methat's why youignore meandi'm too embarrassedto reveal my sexualitywas uncoveredyou'll be soangryso it's allinsidei totallynegatemy existenceit's justtoo hardi'm only 8 yearsoldbut believe mei'm ready todiedo you get it now?
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EliSand
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Hi and Welcome to AS! if ok!
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hi Optimisticlady and welcome to after silence. i'm so glad that you have gotten to find your voice and so determined. It is so important. It's fine to be not fine here. no-one will judge, only offer whatever support we can safe hugs if ok
