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Everything posted by elisand

  1. Ya Charlie, I hear. Other people brush it away so carelessly. Anxiety can be so crippling. Coping mechanisms I used was like isolate, be angry at people for hurting me through insensitivity, hating people and stuff like that. As well as hating myself. And hurting myself like binge eating. I used tools like teaching myself that others are self absorbed, the bruise concept, and learning to assert my rights as a human being. Anxiety was another huge thing. I used to try to investigate what ppl were thinking to allay my anxiousness. I was deathly afraid of new circumstances and me
  2. Hi Charlie! You made a very true headline "my journey begins". It truly is a journey and not an easy one. Whatsoever. But it's worthwhile. And you can get to a better place than you might be now. We never know how much but we try and slowly things begin to get better. I think I will write about the journey in my next blog post. You can check out my blog if you would like! So happy to have you! Eli
  3. One of the hardest parts of being abused was isolation. I felt cut off from the world. I felt like everyone else in the world is more valuable than me, I was ashamed for wasting their time on me. I was worthless, and they were so successful. They seemed so confident and in control and competent. I was jealous honestly. And I understand my jealousy. I would think, their problems are so small. Additionally, and perhaps much more powerful was my feeling of degradation because I knew I couldn't control my penis, my desire to masturbate while they all seemed to be in complete control. Not only that
  4. I have experienced a lot of isolation and I know I would not feel sad if many people passed away. However some would matter. How do we handle grief, especially when we have PTSD so we experience things at much greater intensity. Particularly when there's a feeling of guilt. Just yesterday I came across a woman who gave permission to pull the plug on her dad. The first thing is to try to take good memories of them and highlight them in your mind. Share it. Write it down. It can be a way other people and even you grow through the memory of your loved one. Another important tool,
  5. Hi Satin! I'm so happy to make your acquaintance. I hope you find here a good place to rest and find people who unconditionally love us. I can't promise to be available always, but you can message me and always notify me if I say anything that you would rather not! Welcome! Eli
  6. What I thought about today I am fighting to create a "Day" for myself. It's so hard for me to be consistent. I've honestly tried but I never figured it out. I realized recently that I didn't really have anything to get up for. It's nice to know that I want to have a productive day and it's so important to acknowledge that I don't feel satisfied about each day, but how do I fill that time? First I thought I was just hopelessly lethargic. My new therapist challenged me. He said, maybe I'm just afraid of failure and rejection. I don't think he was right initially. I just felt hopeless
  7. Well guys, I've been away for quite some time! During that time I've learned a few things about myself and life (to say the least!) How do I feel coming back? I feel a lump in my heart. I remember the sadness and pain I was in when I wrote my blogs, and the help and camaraderie that you all offered. It was very dark. I remember feeling nothing would or could get better. I remember the loneliness I always felt in the world. I remember not being able to even write the letter I in capitalized form. I remember my eyes streaming tears when I read the supportive messages from you guys. And
  8. Hi! I know I've been awol from here. 

    I'd like to notify everyone here I have started a YouTube channel. The name is Elisand. Please interact and I hope to lend some support to you. see you there!

  9. Hi and welcome! Feel free to message me if you want. Here for you you're not alone.
  10. Hi! Welcome to after silence! Feel free to share or keep private in a way you feel secure. Your support of others on After silence is priceless. So happy to have you on. If you would like a more casual friendship you can send me a message.
  11. hi, for 20 years i didn't know whether i'd suffered abuse. like it was my fault because a certain measure of ""pleasure"" was felt. well, it was abuse and the ""pleasure"" was what destroyed any drop of life from me.
  12. Sorry I haven't been around. I have a slow internet connection 

  13. Thanks @kmkz andand @CrimsonRegrets
  14. Back at my house I'm being triggered & thrown off in ways I don't even realize. A certain blanket a horn instruments a bathroom I was feeling not in control. Helpless. My body was reacting to all this. I took a hammer and destroyed his horn. I'm slowly retaking control. Got rid of the blanket self talk controlling & choosing my food intake.
  15. Here 4 you Welcome 2 After Silence!
  16. Finished 1st phase of therapy scary but happy and proud

  17. that is definitely a big component. Just yesterday mom and dad did just that. they said "the abuser was young it wasn't his fault" i bet you know how bad that made me feel
  18. What a horrendous thing this perv did. I'm so sorry. To me, that you were affected quite strongly by this pervert is totally valid and legitimate. At the same time you're kind of reprimanding yourself, 'why am I reacting like this, I know all the therapy principles, I should be able to handle this'. Hard to acknowledge though it is, you were a victim. The truth is that keeping the experience in is a recipe for depression and ptsd to set in. However, that is not to say you have to embrace a victim identity. It's just so important to obtain compassion for the terrible experience for pr
  19. People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be. What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I
  20. Hi and Welcome to AS! here 4 you
  21. thank you AutumnM, it means a lot.
  22. yes, teleah i would not call myself a survivor until I feel I'm ready to try a new identity w/o hurting myself. I also felt invalidated when people said i'm a survivor. I would fight them. Even though they thought they were being supportive. showering is hard for me too
  23. So I hurt some people inadvertently. 

    then I said sorry. but that didn't take the guilt away. 

    I was like "i hate myself"

    It's the guilt

    I guess the way out is to forgive myself. but it's so hard.

    1. Kmkz


      It may be hard, you can learn to forgive yourself. Doesn't sound intentional and you said sorry. Maybe start by replacing feeling guilt with doing something good?

  24. The secretary of the clinic spoke to me very curtly and I felt very hurt. It's happened like this many times and it's an important aspect to address. My T and my mentor both would never speak that way to me. My T explained that it's because of our relationship. Other people will not know or be considerate with what hurts me. I used tools like that she doesn't know me in a personal way so she isn't sensitive to it. Or that she was having a hard day or that she is just an insensitive human being. Also, she didn't say it with the intention of hurting me. I could go to her and t
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