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elisand

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Everything posted by elisand

  1. Hi! I know I've been awol from here. 

    I'd like to notify everyone here I have started a YouTube channel. The name is Elisand. Please interact and I hope to lend some support to you. see you there!

  2. Hi and welcome! Feel free to message me if you want. Here for you you're not alone.
  3. Hi! Welcome to after silence! Feel free to share or keep private in a way you feel secure. Your support of others on After silence is priceless. So happy to have you on. If you would like a more casual friendship you can send me a message.
  4. hi, for 20 years i didn't know whether i'd suffered abuse. like it was my fault because a certain measure of ""pleasure"" was felt. well, it was abuse and the ""pleasure"" was what destroyed any drop of life from me.
  5. Sorry I haven't been around. I have a slow internet connection 

  6. Thanks @kmkz andand @CrimsonRegrets
  7. Back at my house I'm being triggered & thrown off in ways I don't even realize. A certain blanket a horn instruments a bathroom I was feeling not in control. Helpless. My body was reacting to all this. I took a hammer and destroyed his horn. I'm slowly retaking control. Got rid of the blanket self talk controlling & choosing my food intake.
  8. Here 4 you Welcome 2 After Silence!
  9. Finished 1st phase of therapy scary but happy and proud

  10. that is definitely a big component. Just yesterday mom and dad did just that. they said "the abuser was young it wasn't his fault" i bet you know how bad that made me feel
  11. What a horrendous thing this perv did. I'm so sorry. To me, that you were affected quite strongly by this pervert is totally valid and legitimate. At the same time you're kind of reprimanding yourself, 'why am I reacting like this, I know all the therapy principles, I should be able to handle this'. Hard to acknowledge though it is, you were a victim. The truth is that keeping the experience in is a recipe for depression and ptsd to set in. However, that is not to say you have to embrace a victim identity. It's just so important to obtain compassion for the terrible experience for proper healing. At this point this should be like on the front burner. You know much more about who one can tell in order to get the proper support when revealing what happened. Not to be vulnerable to someone who will be indifferent or who starts giving advice. This might address the roller coaster. lmn Here for you always
  12. People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be. What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I felt. I realized this addresses the same thing as what people say that i mentioned in the beginning. Meaning, how I proceed does not depend on the one who hurt me. It's not about being my fault.
  13. elisand

    New

    Hi and Welcome to AS! here 4 you
  14. thank you AutumnM, it means a lot.
  15. yes, teleah i would not call myself a survivor until I feel I'm ready to try a new identity w/o hurting myself. I also felt invalidated when people said i'm a survivor. I would fight them. Even though they thought they were being supportive. showering is hard for me too
  16. So I hurt some people inadvertently. 

    then I said sorry. but that didn't take the guilt away. 

    I was like "i hate myself"

    It's the guilt

    I guess the way out is to forgive myself. but it's so hard.

    1. Kmkz

      Kmkz

      It may be hard, you can learn to forgive yourself. Doesn't sound intentional and you said sorry. Maybe start by replacing feeling guilt with doing something good?

  17. The secretary of the clinic spoke to me very curtly and I felt very hurt. It's happened like this many times and it's an important aspect to address. My T and my mentor both would never speak that way to me. My T explained that it's because of our relationship. Other people will not know or be considerate with what hurts me. I used tools like that she doesn't know me in a personal way so she isn't sensitive to it. Or that she was having a hard day or that she is just an insensitive human being. Also, she didn't say it with the intention of hurting me. I could go to her and tell her what she said hurt me. but I won't. Why? cuz that makes me vulnerable, that I need her to say sorry in order for me to feel better, and what if she refuses to. I acknowledge it hurt but At the same time that shouldn't stop me from living. I have other things I like. I refuse the option of stopping those things because some dimwit hurt me. I will however dislike her and keep a distance.
  18. Very scary. winding up therapy with my T. I know I've progressed but I know there is much more to advance. We will take around 6 more weeks to wind it up and then I fly away. I'll have to find a new T in Canada who I will be able to trust and work with. My therapist said I will not have to start from where I started with him but rather much further on the therapy path which I acknowledge and am happy about.

     

  19. I can't understand how I do nice things for other people but somehow it happens. It's so confusing. Maybe I just want others to think I'm special

  20. elisand

    New Girl

    It sounds so hard. I agree with what ian said. The pain is very complex. It's not in any way similar to what regular people go through all the time. It can totally alter a person's reality. Are you looking for therapy? With you all the way. Safe hug, you deserve
  21. Hi, Welcome to AS! I think AS is a place I can relax a bit. It's safe here.
  22. elisand

    New Girl

    u'r right it controls our emotions and behavior. and one of the first steps to taking back control is to want to. I looked at it that the abuser may he rot forever has no right to destroy my life (which he very successfully did). I am in a much better place now 2 yrs after the beginning of my therapy but this is a theme that comes up often. I get upset when my T points out something that i'm being controlled. IT'S NOT ME AND I HATE IT. one very positive thing is to identify as a survivor as opposed to a victim. They are both true but as trying to heal ID' ing as a survivor really can help. I'm so sorry for what you went through. the pain u must have went through must 've been terrible. Indy Rex, you didn't deserve such pain and i think you can heal and have a better life. Safe hug if ok
  23. ashamed
    of what?
    you ask
    in bewilderment
     
    but i can't tell 
    cuz of the shame
    that is 
    ever present 
    around people
     
    inside
    i hate that
    i was violated
    that i have urges
    i can't control
     
    that when i look
    at you 
    i am pulled
    to certain
    parts
    and i bet
    that you could tell
     
    i feel like you 
    are looking 
    with scorn
    contempt
    for the little boy who's
    been called idiot 
     
    that's how you see me
    my brain whispers
    i need to hide
    i know
    you are laughing
    at me
     
    do i smell?
    did i do
    or say
    something stupid?
     
    and i'm ashamed
    cuz i see how
    all the kids my age
    laugh play 
    and live.
     
    there's something
    I'm missing
    what is it?
    are they in on
    a joke?
     
    they have fun 
    playing sports
    and games
     
    what's wrong 
    with me?
     
    I'm so ashamed
    can't look you
    in the face
    you must know
    how weird i 
    am acting
     
    and people
    ignore me
    and lose interest
    when I speak
    what are they seeing?
    I am so ashamed
     
    it's all hidden
    i can't just 
    ask you
    what's wrong with
    me
    you hate me
    that's why you
    ignore me
     
    and
    i'm too embarrassed 
    to reveal my sexuality
    was uncovered
    you'll be so 
    angry
     
    so it's all
    inside
    i totally 
    negate 
    my existence
    it's just 
    too hard
     
    i'm only 8 years
    old
    but believe me
    i'm ready to 
    die
     
    do you get it now?
     
     
     

    -- 

     EliSand  :cry:
  24. elisand

    Intro

    Hi and Welcome to AS! if ok!
  25. hi Optimisticlady and welcome to after silence. i'm so glad that you have gotten to find your voice and so determined. It is so important. It's fine to be not fine here. no-one will judge, only offer whatever support we can safe hugs if ok
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