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jaded_chaos

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About jaded_chaos

  • Birthday 11/30/1985

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Pennsylvania

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. Trapped in myself

    I hate PMDD. Throwing PTSD and PMDD together is such hell. The curse of being female. Not safe anywhere, even our own bodies fight against us. Almost the weekend. I have barely slept for a week. I feel disassociated from myself. My hormone levels are at the point where being inside this body is unbearable physically and emotionally. I feel like everything is falling apart. My brain tells me my marriage is falling apart. I don't know. I am not in a mental state where I can see anything clearly. Everything is masked by smokes and mirrors. What is real and what is imagined? Got an appt with a GI specialist but not until June. My therapist wants me to focus on fixing my hormones and anxiety. Since I can't take meds... She has suggested estrogen cream and she and my husband wants me to try Cbd oil. I guess I could try. I just hate spending money on myself. I don't know whether to go see my obgyn again or just wait and see what the gi Dr says. 2 or 3 weeks left of school. I can't wait to be done, but I can't focus right now. I need to concentrate to teach the kids. So, we've not done much this week. They'll do much better going to school next year. I feel so useless right now. This isn't me. I wanna rip whatever parts of me make me feel like this out.
  2. Trying to stay positive

    Yesterday was miserable and I was miserable to be around. I blew off friends while they were over but I was uncomfortable and in pain and exhausted all day. I feel bad but I just couldn't pretend to be okay and I just needed to be left alone. Today, I am going to focus on finishing up cleaning and organizing the house. For the first time in years I am getting things cleaned up. It's exciting. The new kitty is doing well too. Still a little nervous but starting to relax and play more. I look forward to letting her explore the house, but she's so little compared to my other two 14lb cats and has to get spayed next weekend....so will have to take things slow. Hoping the cold weather is over. Warmer weather and a cleaned up house. Hopefully can help my mood. I see my therapist Wednesday.
  3. Of course it's always something

    In pain and nauseous. I tried to be intimate with my husband, but the pain was immediately unbearable. He's so sweet, he was immediately only concerned with me. I want to cry. We've never had a great sex life, cause of me. But we can't even try at all now. I worked so hard to be okay and be able to feel safe with sex again but this physical pain is not only bad but re-traumatizes me all over. I hate it.
  4. Getting another cat

    I am very anxious about being judged. But this little kitten has no where to go. She'll be safe and loved here. I just hope my two cats adjust okay, they're such sweethearts. I'm fearful of my mother in law being upset. She tolerates our pets. I wouldn't otherwise take on another animal, but if we don't this kitty won't make it long and no shelters will take her. Got her a bed and toys and such. Will get her here in about 14hrs. I'm awake instead of sleeping. Gonna spend the day cleaning. I need to try to sleep a little more. Just feeling nauseous. Leave it to me to turn fun exciting things into awful feelings. I'm a pro at it. Always fearful of the worst. But though it drives me nuts, I'm always pleasantly surprised when things don't go to shit. Ha.
  5. Oh my Finally some good news!

    Late February we were supposed to get our tax return, but didn't, due to my student loans being in default. I cried and went into immense anxiety mode. I felt awful. Every cent of that return belonged to my husband, not me. He filed an injured spouse form. Everyone told us he would get half back. So, we have been waiting anxiously for it to arrive. It arrived today. Only...it was for the full amount! They gave us the entire tax refund! Shocker! I am now anxiously waiting for him to get off work and tell him. Takes a little stress off of our shoulders. We can pay some things off. Whew. So so so glad!
  6. Warmer weather

    Had a good weekend. Very busy, but in a good way. Grocery shopping, kid's soccer games, tried teaching the kids to ride their bikes, and some time with friends. All my friends are facing such huge changes, good and bad. Possible job loss, sick relatives, pregnancy. I do my best to offer support and advice. Finances are a mess but my mother in law has helped us. I hope we can be back on our own feet soon. It's hard at this income level. Too rich for assistance, too poor to afford all the bills we've racked up. But it's our own fault. We will fix it. I'm just trying to push forward. Not ruin things, when my present life is not horrible. Please brain, let's leave the past in the past. I'm come so far on this journey. Joined this site back when I first started healing. It's a life long process. So many ups and downs. Ugh so much pain. But it can get better. I'm better than I used to be. I must hold on, keep fighting. Hoping I can keep this more positive outlook as the temperatures drop this coming week.
  7. Warmer weather

    Had a good weekend. Very busy, but in a good way. Grocery shopping, kid's soccer games, tried teaching the kids to ride their bikes, and some time with friends. All my friends are facing such huge changes, good and bad. Possible job loss, sick relatives, pregnancy. I do my best to offer support and advice. Finances are a mess but my mother in law has helped us. I hope we can be back on our own feet soon. It's hard at this income level. Too rich for assistance, too poor to afford all the bills we've racked up. But it's our own fault. We will fix it. I'm just trying to push forward. Not ruin things, when my present life is not horrible. Please brain, let's leave the past in the past. I'm come so far on this journey. Joined this site back when I first started healing. It's a life long process. So many ups and downs. Ugh so much pain. But it can get better. I'm better than I used to be. I must hold on, keep fighting. Hoping I can keep this more positive outlook as the temperatures drop this coming week.
  8. Trying to stay distracted

    I'm trying my best. Trying to enjoy the weekend. Finally, some nice weather. Kids soccer games tomorrow. Trying not to think about how many people will be there. It's difficult. So, my focus will be on my kids and ignoring all the people as much as I can. Luckily, it's outside and so I won't feel too suffocated. Hopefully. My anxiety has been so off the charts. Trying to recover from shopping today. Luckily, got it done early before it was too busy. Just trying to stay busy and distracted. Will be busy with school and soccer for a month. I should be able to stay stable enough for these weeks... Busy busy busy.... It helps. Ignore the issues. Hopefully I can drive soon too. Haven't drove since November. I need to drive. I need to get my license. I'm 32yo. I need to get it done. Need need need. Busy busy busy.
  9. Nightmares and Fear

    Trying to calm down. I've been having so many bad dreams lately. They wake me all the time. Always so violent or emotionally tense and frightening. Last night was bad. I woke at 3am feeling dread all over. Convinced something bad was happening. Not sure if that was a bad dream but I imagine so..... I finally got myself to sleep again and woke at 5:30am after a horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was off somewhere and my middle daughter had been kidnapped. Police found clues that pointed towards her being abducted by a known child murderer. So, here we go. I woke in panic. Same fear I've always had... If I'm not there, my kids will be hurt. If I'm not there with them, my girls are not safe. How do other parents do it? How do they send their kids away to school or anywhere and feel they are safe? I know this fear is unhealthy. I know I can no longer homeschool and I can't keep them home cause that's not good either, I don't want to... I know that they will be happier going to school. I went to school. But I'm so scared. I can't let them be hurt like I was when lured away from my mother. I am not her, who blamed me and ignored my pain even once she knew. My beautiful innocent happy little girls...I can't let anything like that touch them. I'll never forgive myself. It's irrational fear but oh so real. I have a few months to get over this and be better, emotionally, about letting go. But I must keep them safe. It's my job to keep them safe. I'm so scared, of everything. Everyone says I must learn to drive and get a job and send the kids to school... And it's not laziness. It's intense heart clenching fear. I'm so scared for all of us. I'm so full of fear and nightmares and flashbacks. No one understands why I'm so scared.
  10. Breathing

    But I can't breathe. My ears keep popping. I'm shaky. I'm dizzy. I just want to hide away. But my therapy appt is in an hour. Ugh. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Deep breaths. Hide it away. You can't let anyone see you're broken. Forever broken.
  11. Confusion

    I'm fine. I'm good. I'm strong. Things will get better. I'm loved. I'm fake. I'm weak. I'm useless. I'll never win this battle against myself. I'm tired. I don't know what to believe.
  12. So Worn Out

    I told myself to stay quiet. Shh. Don't. Just don't. But as he held me this morning, as he always does before leaving for work, the tears streamed down my face. And I couldn't hold back my pain. And he held me. Comforted me. He was late leaving. He said it was okay. And I am frustrated. I just want to be able to hold it inside. To function. To be fine. To hide it all. Yet I feel like there's danger. Like there's some huge catastrophe on the horizon. And everyone else can't feel it. I hate you, PTSD. Go away. Every morning he holds me. Often, waking me. But he just can't go a morning without gently holding me in his arms and kissing me before he leaves. He loves me. He's my safe place and oddly... I think I'm his. That's weird. When I am so uncomfortable with myself. He tells me I bring joy to people's lives. Joy? Not a word I've ever associated with myself. I've known him for 18 years now. He's never hurt me. And I feel so very undeserving of his love. I must get out of my head this morning. Get coffee. Be there for my kids. They'll want breakfast. I need to get the dishes done and school. Ugh. Month and a half left of cyberschool. Then it's over. I can't do it anymore. What will I do with my life? I don't know. I am loved and needed, even when I feel worthless and unworthy. I'm not sure if that makes things easier or harder.
  13. Don’t wanna be alone

    I get the same way when I am alone. I am usually okay, keep doors locked, but when my husband works overtime or a different shift it definitely makes my anxiety worse. I often play music or text people or try to keep distracted from any noises or fears. You're not alone with this. I've homeschooled my kids for 3 years....but they're going to school in the fall and I am definitely nervous about being alone all day. Hoping to work on this issue in therapy before then.
  14. The future

    You will get there! It can be hard to see things getting better. But you are strong! I only live in the next county over from where I used to and where much of my trauma happened, I definitely had planned to go further....but I do have relief having left my old home. I feel safer having even only 30 minutes of distance. I can avoid places and people who might trigger. Much healing thoughts and You got this.
  15. Don’t wanna be alone

    I understand. I hope you don't have to be alone too much. Is there anyone you can call? If nothing else, you can call a hotline to chat. I've done that before when I didn't want to bother anyone else but needed to talk to someone. It can help and it is what they are there for. if okay
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