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Trapped in myself

I hate PMDD. Throwing PTSD and PMDD together is such hell. The curse of being female. Not safe anywhere, even our own bodies fight against us.  Almost the weekend. I have barely slept for a week. I feel disassociated from myself. My hormone levels are at the point where being inside this body is unbearable physically and emotionally. I feel like everything is falling apart. My brain tells me my marriage is falling apart. I don't know. I am not in a mental state where I can see anything clea

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Trying to stay positive

Yesterday was miserable and I was miserable to be around. I blew off friends while they were over but I was uncomfortable and in pain and exhausted all day. I feel bad but I just couldn't pretend to be okay and I just needed to be left alone. Today, I am going to focus on finishing up cleaning and organizing the house. For the first time in years I am getting things cleaned up. It's exciting. The new kitty is doing well too. Still a little nervous but starting to relax and play more. I look

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Of course it's always something

In pain and nauseous. I tried to be intimate with my husband, but the pain was immediately unbearable. He's so sweet, he was immediately only concerned with me. I want to cry. We've never had a great sex life, cause of me. But we can't even try at all now. I worked so hard to be okay and be able to feel safe with sex again but this physical pain is not only bad but re-traumatizes me all over. I hate it. 

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Getting another cat

I am very anxious about being judged. But this little kitten has no where to go. She'll be safe and loved here. I just hope my two cats adjust okay, they're such sweethearts. I'm fearful of my mother in law being upset.  She tolerates our pets. I wouldn't otherwise take on another animal, but if we don't this kitty won't make it long and no shelters will take her.  Got her a bed and toys and such. Will get her here in about 14hrs. I'm awake instead of sleeping. Gonna spend the day cleaning.

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Oh my Finally some good news!

Late February we were supposed to get our tax return, but didn't, due to my student loans being in default. I cried and went into immense anxiety mode. I felt awful. Every cent of that return belonged to my husband, not me. He filed an injured spouse form. Everyone told us he would get half back. So, we have been waiting anxiously for it to arrive. It arrived today. Only...it was for the full amount! They gave us the entire tax refund! Shocker! I am now anxiously waiting for him to get off work

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Warmer weather

Had a good weekend. Very busy, but in a good way. Grocery shopping, kid's soccer games, tried teaching the kids to ride their bikes, and some time with friends. All my friends are facing such huge changes, good and bad. Possible job loss, sick relatives, pregnancy. I do my best to offer support and advice.  Finances are a mess but my mother in law has helped us. I hope we can be back on our own feet soon. It's hard at this income level. Too rich for assistance, too poor to afford all the bi

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Warmer weather

Had a good weekend. Very busy, but in a good way. Grocery shopping, kid's soccer games, tried teaching the kids to ride their bikes, and some time with friends. All my friends are facing such huge changes, good and bad. Possible job loss, sick relatives, pregnancy. I do my best to offer support and advice.  Finances are a mess but my mother in law has helped us. I hope we can be back on our own feet soon. It's hard at this income level. Too rich for assistance, too poor to afford all the bi

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Trying to stay distracted

I'm trying my best. Trying to enjoy the weekend. Finally, some nice weather. Kids soccer games tomorrow. Trying not to think about how many people will be there. It's difficult. So, my focus will be on my kids and ignoring all the people as much as I can. Luckily, it's outside and so I won't feel too suffocated. Hopefully. My anxiety has been so off the charts. Trying to recover from shopping today. Luckily, got it done early before it was too busy.  Just trying to stay busy and distracted.

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Nightmares and Fear

Trying to calm down. I've been having so many bad dreams lately. They wake me all the time. Always so violent or emotionally tense and frightening.  Last night was bad. I woke at 3am feeling dread all over. Convinced something bad was happening. Not sure if that was a bad dream but I imagine so..... I finally got myself to sleep again and woke at 5:30am after a horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was off somewhere and my middle daughter had been kidnapped. Police found clues that pointed toward

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Breathing

But I can't breathe. My ears keep popping. I'm shaky. I'm dizzy.  I just want to hide away. But my therapy appt is in an hour. Ugh. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.  Deep breaths. Hide it away. You can't let anyone see you're broken. Forever broken.   

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Confusion

I'm fine.  I'm good. I'm strong.  Things will get better.  I'm loved.  I'm fake.  I'm weak.  I'm useless.  I'll never win this battle against myself.  I'm tired.  I don't know what to believe. 

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

So Worn Out

I told myself to stay quiet. Shh. Don't. Just don't. But as he held me this morning, as he always does before leaving for work, the tears streamed down my face. And I couldn't hold back my pain. And he held me. Comforted me. He was late leaving. He said it was okay.  And I am frustrated. I just want to be able to hold it inside. To function. To be fine. To hide it all. Yet I feel like there's danger. Like there's some huge catastrophe on the horizon. And everyone else can't feel it.  I

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

 

Anniversary Has Me Reflecting

Twelve Years ago. I was having an uncharacteristically good day. I was 20 years old. I skipped my classes, like always. Went to therapy that afternoon where someone in the waiting room gave me a balloon. After, I decided to go for a walk. It was a warm sunny day. I took the balloon. On my walk, I gave the balloon to a small child I saw riding her bike with her parents. It felt good to do something nice for someone. I went back to my dorm apartment. Sat down at my computer. Saw an old h

jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

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