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jaded_chaos

I hate PMDD. Throwing PTSD and PMDD together is such hell. The curse of being female. Not safe anywhere, even our own bodies fight against us. 

Almost the weekend. I have barely slept for a week. I feel disassociated from myself. My hormone levels are at the point where being inside this body is unbearable physically and emotionally. I feel like everything is falling apart. My brain tells me my marriage is falling apart. I don't know. I am not in a mental state where I can see anything clearly. Everything is masked by smokes and mirrors. What is real and what is imagined? 

Got an appt with a GI specialist but not until June. My therapist wants me to focus on fixing my hormones and anxiety. Since I can't take meds... She has suggested estrogen cream and she and my husband wants me to try Cbd oil. I guess I could try. I just hate spending money on myself. I don't know whether to go see my obgyn again or just wait and see what the gi Dr says. 

2 or 3 weeks left of school. I can't wait to be done, but I can't focus right now. I need to concentrate to teach the kids. So, we've not done much this week. They'll do much better going to school next year. 

I feel so useless right now. This isn't me. I wanna rip whatever parts of me make me feel like this out. 

jaded_chaos

Trying to stay positive

Yesterday was miserable and I was miserable to be around. I blew off friends while they were over but I was uncomfortable and in pain and exhausted all day. I feel bad but I just couldn't pretend to be okay and I just needed to be left alone.

Today, I am going to focus on finishing up cleaning and organizing the house. For the first time in years I am getting things cleaned up. It's exciting. The new kitty is doing well too. Still a little nervous but starting to relax and play more. I look forward to letting her explore the house, but she's so little compared to my other two 14lb cats and has to get spayed next weekend....so will have to take things slow.

Hoping the cold weather is over. Warmer weather and a cleaned up house. Hopefully can help my mood. I see my therapist Wednesday.

jaded_chaos

In pain and nauseous. I tried to be intimate with my husband, but the pain was immediately unbearable. He's so sweet, he was immediately only concerned with me. I want to cry. We've never had a great sex life, cause of me. But we can't even try at all now. I worked so hard to be okay and be able to feel safe with sex again but this physical pain is not only bad but re-traumatizes me all over. I hate it. :cry:

jaded_chaos

I am very anxious about being judged. But this little kitten has no where to go. She'll be safe and loved here. I just hope my two cats adjust okay, they're such sweethearts. I'm fearful of my mother in law being upset.  She tolerates our pets. I wouldn't otherwise take on another animal, but if we don't this kitty won't make it long and no shelters will take her. 

Got her a bed and toys and such. Will get her here in about 14hrs. I'm awake instead of sleeping. Gonna spend the day cleaning. I need to try to sleep a little more. Just feeling nauseous. Leave it to me to turn fun exciting things into awful feelings. I'm a pro at it. Always fearful of the worst. But though it drives me nuts, I'm always pleasantly surprised when things don't go to shit. Ha. 

jaded_chaos

Late February we were supposed to get our tax return, but didn't, due to my student loans being in default. I cried and went into immense anxiety mode. I felt awful. Every cent of that return belonged to my husband, not me. He filed an injured spouse form. Everyone told us he would get half back. So, we have been waiting anxiously for it to arrive. It arrived today. Only...it was for the full amount! They gave us the entire tax refund! Shocker! I am now anxiously waiting for him to get off work and tell him. Takes a little stress off of our shoulders. We can pay some things off. Whew. So so so glad!

jaded_chaos

Had a good weekend. Very busy, but in a good way. Grocery shopping, kid's soccer games, tried teaching the kids to ride their bikes, and some time with friends. All my friends are facing such huge changes, good and bad. Possible job loss, sick relatives, pregnancy. I do my best to offer support and advice. 

Finances are a mess but my mother in law has helped us. I hope we can be back on our own feet soon. It's hard at this income level. Too rich for assistance, too poor to afford all the bills we've racked up. But it's our own fault. We will fix it. 

I'm just trying to push forward. Not ruin things, when my present life is not horrible. Please brain, let's leave the past in the past. 

I'm come so far on this journey. Joined this site back when I first started healing. It's a life long process. So many ups and downs. Ugh so much pain. But it can get better. I'm better than I used to be. I must hold on, keep fighting. 

Hoping I can keep this more positive outlook as the temperatures drop this coming week. 

jaded_chaos

Had a good weekend. Very busy, but in a good way. Grocery shopping, kid's soccer games, tried teaching the kids to ride their bikes, and some time with friends. All my friends are facing such huge changes, good and bad. Possible job loss, sick relatives, pregnancy. I do my best to offer support and advice. 

Finances are a mess but my mother in law has helped us. I hope we can be back on our own feet soon. It's hard at this income level. Too rich for assistance, too poor to afford all the bills we've racked up. But it's our own fault. We will fix it. 

I'm just trying to push forward. Not ruin things, when my present life is not horrible. Please brain, let's leave the past in the past. 

I'm come so far on this journey. Joined this site back when I first started healing. It's a life long process. So many ups and downs. Ugh so much pain. But it can get better. I'm better than I used to be. I must hold on, keep fighting. 

Hoping I can keep this more positive outlook as the temperatures drop this coming week. 

jaded_chaos

I'm trying my best. Trying to enjoy the weekend. Finally, some nice weather. Kids soccer games tomorrow. Trying not to think about how many people will be there. It's difficult. So, my focus will be on my kids and ignoring all the people as much as I can. Luckily, it's outside and so I won't feel too suffocated. Hopefully. My anxiety has been so off the charts. Trying to recover from shopping today. Luckily, got it done early before it was too busy. 

Just trying to stay busy and distracted. Will be busy with school and soccer for a month. I should be able to stay stable enough for these weeks... Busy busy busy.... It helps. Ignore the issues. 

Hopefully I can drive soon too. Haven't drove since November. I need to drive. I need to get my license. I'm 32yo. I need to get it done. Need need need. Busy busy busy. 

jaded_chaos

Trying to calm down. I've been having so many bad dreams lately. They wake me all the time. Always so violent or emotionally tense and frightening. 

Last night was bad. I woke at 3am feeling dread all over. Convinced something bad was happening. Not sure if that was a bad dream but I imagine so..... I finally got myself to sleep again and woke at 5:30am after a horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was off somewhere and my middle daughter had been kidnapped. Police found clues that pointed towards her being abducted by a known child murderer. 

So, here we go. I woke in panic. Same fear I've always had... If I'm not there, my kids will be hurt. If I'm not there with them, my girls are not safe. How do other parents do it? How do they send their kids away to school or anywhere and feel they are safe? I know this fear is unhealthy. I know I can no longer homeschool and I can't keep them home cause that's not good either, I don't want to... I know that they will be happier going to school. I went to school. But I'm so scared. 

I can't let them be hurt like I was when lured away from my mother. I am not her, who blamed me  and ignored my pain even once she knew.

My beautiful innocent happy little girls...I can't let anything like that touch them. I'll never forgive myself. It's irrational fear but oh so real. I have a few months to get over this and be better, emotionally, about letting go. 

But I must keep them safe. It's my job to keep them safe.

I'm so scared, of everything. Everyone says I must learn to drive and get a job and send the kids to school... And it's not laziness. It's intense heart clenching fear. I'm so scared for all of us. I'm so full of fear and nightmares and flashbacks. No one understands why I'm so scared. :cry: 

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jaded_chaos

But I can't breathe. My ears keep popping. I'm shaky. I'm dizzy.  I just want to hide away. But my therapy appt is in an hour. Ugh. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. 

Deep breaths. Hide it away. You can't let anyone see you're broken. Forever broken. 

 

jaded_chaos

I'm fine. 

I'm good.

I'm strong. 

Things will get better. 

I'm loved. 

I'm fake. 

I'm weak. 

I'm useless. 

I'll never win this battle against myself. 

I'm tired. 

I don't know what to believe. 

jaded_chaos

I told myself to stay quiet. Shh. Don't. Just don't. But as he held me this morning, as he always does before leaving for work, the tears streamed down my face. And I couldn't hold back my pain. And he held me. Comforted me. He was late leaving. He said it was okay. 

And I am frustrated. I just want to be able to hold it inside. To function. To be fine. To hide it all. Yet I feel like there's danger. Like there's some huge catastrophe on the horizon. And everyone else can't feel it. 

I hate you, PTSD. Go away. 

Every morning he holds me. Often,  waking me. But he just can't go a morning without gently holding me in his arms and kissing me before he leaves. He loves me. He's my safe place and oddly... I think I'm his. That's weird. When I am so uncomfortable with myself. He tells me I bring joy to people's lives. Joy? Not a word I've ever associated with myself.  I've known him for 18 years now. He's never hurt me. And I feel so very undeserving of his love. 

I must get out of my head this morning. Get coffee. Be there for my kids. They'll want breakfast. I need to get the dishes done and school. Ugh. Month and a half left of cyberschool. Then it's over. I can't do it anymore. What will I do with my life? I don't know. 

I am loved and needed, even when I feel worthless and unworthy. I'm not sure if that makes things easier or harder. 

 

jaded_chaos

Twelve Years ago.

I was having an uncharacteristically good day. I was 20 years old. I skipped my classes, like always. Went to therapy that afternoon where someone in the waiting room gave me a balloon. After, I decided to go for a walk. It was a warm sunny day. I took the balloon. On my walk, I gave the balloon to a small child I saw riding her bike with her parents. It felt good to do something nice for someone.

I went back to my dorm apartment. Sat down at my computer. Saw an old high school friend was online. I had secretly loved him for 4 years of the six we'd known each other. I decided to take a chance. It was very unlike me. But I was feeling confident this day. I messaged him and confessed my love for him. I figured it was not or never. He was at a college hours away. I knew if I never told him how I felt, we would eventually drift apart forever and I'd never get the chance.

It was very difficult pressing enter and then seeing he was typing a response.

"What took you so long, woman! I love you too!"

Listening to Kelly Clarkson, A Moment Like This....which sums up that moment well. Neither of us knew it at the time, this day 12 years ago, but that was the first time of many we would express our love for each other.

We just did a little over an hour ago. As he always calls me when he gets to work to wish me a good day and tell me he loves me.

Oh, how far we have come. How far I have come. How much I have grown. I had no idea that this man would give me something I never had before...unconditional love and support...and that would give me the strength to begin to heal and blossom into who I am today. Could I have done it without him? Maybe so. But not as quickly.

I've been struggling a lot with PTSD, depression, and anxiety lately. But I keep pushing myself. I keep trying to fight the negative voices. He wraps his arms around me and immediately I feel a sense of calm and can fight them better. When I've been at rock bottom, he shone the light for me to find my way. When I've been doing well, he encourages me and was there to enjoy it with me.

It was my choice to work hard and progress and heal and learn the coping skills. But he has always been there to support my decisions and catch me when I fell.

I am a Survivor. And he, my amazing Secondary Survivor. It has not been easy for either of us.

Yet here we are. No one thought we'd make it. But they underestimated the strength of us together.

I am strong. I survived. I didn't give up. I won't start now.

Happy Anniversary to my best friend. My hero. My biggest fan. I am not going to let my mind cloud this day. This day is too important. Too happy. We have had so many lows and not enough highs. But we made it. For being in our early 30s, 12 years is a long time. The next 12 will be even better. <3

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