Trying to calm down. I've been having so many bad dreams lately. They wake me all the time. Always so violent or emotionally tense and frightening.
Last night was bad. I woke at 3am feeling dread all over. Convinced something bad was happening. Not sure if that was a bad dream but I imagine so..... I finally got myself to sleep again and woke at 5:30am after a horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was off somewhere and my middle daughter had been kidnapped. Police found clues that pointed towards her being abducted by a known child murderer.
So, here we go. I woke in panic. Same fear I've always had... If I'm not there, my kids will be hurt. If I'm not there with them, my girls are not safe. How do other parents do it? How do they send their kids away to school or anywhere and feel they are safe? I know this fear is unhealthy. I know I can no longer homeschool and I can't keep them home cause that's not good either, I don't want to... I know that they will be happier going to school. I went to school. But I'm so scared.
I can't let them be hurt like I was when lured away from my mother. I am not her, who blamed me and ignored my pain even once she knew.
My beautiful innocent happy little girls...I can't let anything like that touch them. I'll never forgive myself. It's irrational fear but oh so real. I have a few months to get over this and be better, emotionally, about letting go.
But I must keep them safe. It's my job to keep them safe.
I'm so scared, of everything. Everyone says I must learn to drive and get a job and send the kids to school... And it's not laziness. It's intense heart clenching fear. I'm so scared for all of us. I'm so full of fear and nightmares and flashbacks. No one understands why I'm so scared.