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About this blog

A place where I can speak and create a moment of clarity for myself and maybe others.

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Leia Skywalker

College

I thought that I could escape this, escape being a victim of sexual assault and abuse, but it never feels like I can.

There are seminars about assault, they are required and important but every time I listen I feel trapped and diminished. These seminars paint assault and abuse as something that can be easy to diagnose, and all you need is good friends.

I can't even think, my mind goes dark and I slip into the spiral of my mind. 
"Did my friends just think I deserve it?"

"Did I just want it"

"Why didn't I just say no?"

First off, no they don't, no you didn't you were 13, and lastly you did you screamed it but eventually, you stopped because it was easier than the consequences that followed.

But that logic doesn't exist once you are triggered all that goes out the window. 

Am I being too sensitive? Is this normal? What am I supposed to do? 

Leia Skywalker

I had to fly recently, which I hate but it wasn't until I was on the plane when I realized the main problem. I would have a layover in a state that I had never been to but my abuser lived in. I knew that it wouldn't happen, but even the .0001% chance was too much for me. I wanted to leave as soon as we could and never come back to this place.

Being close was too much, it feels ridiculous that just being in the same state as him again was enough to send me spiraling but it was. I was a wreck, and I couldn't tell anyone.

I was traveling with a group, a group who doesn't know my story other than that I was passionate about domestic violence and sexual assault laws, they never knew why.

Later in the trip, there was a party we attended, it was crowded loud and out of control. I stuck to the edges and stayed out of the action.

I am not claustrophobic just scared of being too close to someone.

I didn't use to be this way, I used to love to be near people, to be in a close circle with people. But that idea is too much most days. Some days I have a good day and I am in the right place to be close, but more often than not I am not.

I feel broken, brushing people off and getting angry when they don't understand. I know its not their fault.

It's not theirs, or mine

Or at least that's what they keep saying.

Everyone always tries to reassure me by telling me it isn't my fault but that isn't the problem, the problem is I still feel scared and unsafe to the point I push people away.

Everything feels too close, too close.

 

Leia Skywalker

I had a tough night last night. My brain did not want to be in the state I wanted it to be in.

I had a panic attack. Again for the third night in a row this week.

For some reason he could not leave my thoughts alone, I am not sure why this week had to be the week.

I thought that maybe I should text someone and I began to but realized no one wanted to hear this, G-d knows I hated talking about it so why would someone want to listen. Since realizing what has happened to me I would tell close people as an attempt for them to understand the small things that I do in life and why. Like why I always lock the door, look behind me and tense up at the sight of certain cars. 

Every time I hear "oh you still think about him?" Like I just haven't gotten over an ex. To their defense how could they know. I barley know and understand it. I can't expect them to know the answers when I don't.  

Do I stay quiet?

Or continue writing at any point I feel anxious?

I don't know.

I don't think I ever will, but maybe I just get over it and explain it to them, or find someone who understands to talk to?

I don't know.....maybe I will though

Leia Skywalker

Today I got to listen to two men debate about what they think should happen with guns even relating to domestic violence, abuse, and rape. One of them began stating that they only way women can protect themselves is with a gun. It did not occur to them that someone would use it against a woman or may not even be the security blanket they think it is. Personally I don't want a gun, I don't want to give him the chance to use it against me. It wouldn't make me safer but more afraid. The problem is that we allow for abusers to get away with it, I shouldn't have to arm myself to stay safe I should be able to tell someone and be safe. I should be able to tell the problems of my relationship without fear. 

Maybe one day women and men won't have to fear their abusers, but it doesn't start with arming them but clearing the air around the sitaution. This situation won't end with a few guns, or cases that it tends to work but until we feel safe. All of us

Leia Skywalker

I don't know where I will be in a few months, all I know is that I have to leave. I have to leave and get to a new place. Not just to start fresh, but because I can't end up like the rest of them. If I stay then I admit defeat, I admit that I can't do it. I won't let it happen. I will leave. 

Every time I come back to this town it literally hurts, my heart sinks and it becomes to breathe. This town is literally trying to kill me. If I get stuck here then what? Will I ever feel better, or accomplish anything?

I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be a billionaire, I just want to be happy and safe. 
That answer can only happen when I live and start a new chapter in my life, I cannot continue with the same chapter forever.

It will get better, I just can't see it yet. I can't see the future but I have to trust that at some point it really will work out. It may take a long time, but I can get there. Some day.

Leia Skywalker

I don't know why it always seem to be worse around night, maybe there is a reason to that question but that isn't really relevant. Whenever I seem to come to the night I become scared, I lock all the doors around and me and try to feel safe. People have begun to notice how I always close doors and make sure doors and windows are locked, it isn't cause I like privacy its cause I am scared.

Part of me wants people to notice how scared I am, I want to tell people that I am scared. But I am scared of that. What if they use that fact against me. 

That's what he did, he used all my weaknesses against me.

I won't let it happen again, I have to stay sharp. I can't let my guard down but I do have to trust people, I know that now. I am trying, I want to trust those around me. 

My thoughts at night aren't logical they are dark, terrifying and jumbled. I switch from work, to school, to what would have been if I hadn't done this or that.

There are so many thoughts and questions I have but can never say aloud. I think at night they just want to be heard so they came out all at once, so I can begin the next day with new questions and thoughts.

Leia Skywalker

Things are starting to link up in my mind, behaviors and feelings that I have make sense. Why I do things and why I don't do things.

Every time I come home I lock every door, even when a family member is right behind me.

I never open my door.

I always carry a pen in my hand.

I never look people in the eye when walking.

Cause I am scared.

I know he can't hurt me, but I can't stop thinking about it. Its why I want so desperately to leave town.

Its why I don't feel safe, not at home, work or school. Only in my car. The one place he never touched.

I don't know how to really gest rid of these feelings and fears, I don't know if you can. Maybe it will help to leave, but will it help even then? I don't know. I never know, even when I think I do .

Leia Skywalker

Progress

I was able to trust someone today. Actually a few people.

Recently I had a somewhat serious injury from a sport, nothing too bad, but it has left me with the inability to lift or seriously use my right shoulder.

When I admitted to someone I was hurt they didn't laugh, or use it against me instead they hugged me and asked how I was. This genuine feeling of concern is new to me.

Most of my life has been keeping quiet about problems because when I didn't it was used against me.  The world is scary but maybe there truly are enough good people in this world to help it through. I have finally started to find those people, its been a good day. I just hope the days following can be just as good. 

Leia Skywalker

Doubting

Anxiety attacks are fun....

They make you take everything you once knew and create a large cloud of doubt around it.

I talk about anxiety as if it is a person, sometimes it feels like it is. Because it always centers around them.

Every doubt goes back to them.

It doesn't revolve around that one test or that one awkward family dinner. 

Instead, it's them.

Maybe they kept that picture, maybe they are still here, maybe.

But you never know.

I wish it would stop.

I wish I could just breathe normal again.

 

 

Leia Skywalker

Explaining

How do you explain to someone that you don't want attention?

You don't want the award, you just want to keep working.

My whole life has been filled with moments where I should have just sat down and taken pride and what I accomplished, but I learned to keep moving. Attention brought to me was bad, because that meant I was seen

I don't want to be seen I just want to keep going.

That's what he taught me. Not to take pride in what I earned because I didn't really earn it, or if people saw me then they would see what happened. What they did to me. Which is even worse.

But how do you explain that to someone?

You don't.

Leia Skywalker

going public

Today I feel numb, I feel nothing.

I don't feel regret I don't feel happy I just feel numb.

Maybe because my emotions have been fairly wild for the past week. 

I have to turn in my application this week, the application for the scholarship where I will have to publicly admit my abuse and attempt to inspire and help others.

I know that I should be happy and excited to do so, but all I can think is what if someone doubts me.

What if someone knows who I am talking about because they know me.

What if?

I don't know... I never know.

I can't anticipate who will hear me and who will listen, who will know and who question. I will once I try, but it's scary. To try to speak out and see the way people view me change. 

I don't tell people, people know the men I have dated but not what the do behind the doors, what they made me do.

My speech won't do so either, but it will toy with the idea of my abuse and what happened. I just can't bring myself to write it out. I can't even do it on here. Because what if? What if I am overacting?

Leia Skywalker

Week by week

I Saw him today. Not the bad one but the second one. My second ex and my second abuser. 

I saw him and all I wanted to do was cry and scream. 

I didn’t say anything. 

I just ran. 

Talking about them and what they did is hard, but seeing them. That’s inpossible. 

When I see him, all I see is who I was and how that girl that I once was is gone. 

The little girl who was comfortable and safe, she isn’t around anymore. 

I cant even bring myself to talk to them and let them know how I feel. 

But what good would it do. Would they listen? Would they care? Or is that just setting me up for a worse life? A bigger story?

I don’t know and I don’t plan to find out. 

Leia Skywalker

Figuring Out

I can't stop thinking that who I am is because of what he did. I can't stop thinking that I like the things I do, and I do the things I do because he made me into this. Into this girl who was introduced to sex way too early. Who became used to the idea of sex and actually liked it. 
Everyone describes victims of sexual abuse as people who never want to have sex again, but I am not like that. Does that make me sick and disgusting? Does that mean he still has control over me?

I don't know.

I do know that I am making my own choices. I make my choices for me and my future, not to please him. I am not his anymore, I am my own person. I am free....or at least that's what everyone tells me. On a level that is true, he is not physically near me to take me. But he will always be tormenting me, but I can't let that ruin me. I cannot let him ruin my future. 

Leia Skywalker

Progress

Maybe I really was abused.

I was able to talk to one of the specialists on RAINN today. They agreed what I went through is qualified as abuse.

Sexual, Physical and Emotional.

As I have begun to open up I am beginning to discover all that really occurred in the relationship. Not that it can really be qualified as a relationship.

Maybe the relationships I have been in are not right.

Maybe it's not normal to be threatened and held too tight if I didn't send the pictures he wanted. I don't know, but a lot is starting to remind me of him, I don't know why now? It's been almost five years since I was first used for his pleasure.

All I know for sure is that I am starting to get scared. It's becoming a little more obvious of my past to people close to me, but that was never the case before.

I don't want this to define me, but its all people seem to care about. Isn't even possible to move on and forget it? 

Or will I always be reminded of those years?

Leia Skywalker

Trying

I don't want to pretend like me creating an account on this site makes me better or even qualified to talk about my experience but who knows. 

Its gotten worse, the flashbacks, the association its all gotten worse. I haven't been touched and hurt in two years but it only feels like hours, maybe its because they still show up. He still tries to find me and bring me back. 

It happened last night. At the debate tournament, in the middle of debate on a bill about sexual assault and the jail time of perpetrators. That's when it hit, the fear, the memories and the tears. I couldn't talk I couldn't move I couldn't do anything. My friend went to touch me and check on me and moved away cowering away. 

It's worse, I feel worse. Maybe its because I found where he is. I found out that he did it to another girl. Another girl just like me and it happened because I didn't speak up and stop him. I still haven't. 

Maybe I am hoping that by typing this it gives me the courage to press charges and keep him from hurting anyone else, but I don't know if I can. Anytime anyone says his name I cry, I shut down. To see him again I couldn't take it.

I thought I saw his car this morning. I nearly hit forty speeding as fast I could away before I realized it wasn't him. 

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